Fanfiction: Dreamer

[Cherryhobbit]

The beginning to my fanfiction, This is the first chapter and I'll just continue it in this thread.
Reviews, compliments, and critques are very much welcomed. This is my first Bleach fic and I would appreciate all the help I can get. I like characters to be in character and to be as close to the story line as possible.
Takes place in Graphic Novel 4.

Bleach(C)Kubo
Cherry(C)MRR
--------------------------------

Run
Run
She had to keep running.
She could feel its breath on her neck.
It was chasing her again.
She didn’t know how long she had been running.
She didn’t know what was chasing her, but she knew if she stopped for even a moment
She was dead.

She ran down alleys, she ran up streets, over bridges, between trees, in circles and in zigzags, nothing stopped the white masked creature behind her, it kept coming.

She ran, she ran and she ran, until it was in the park that she met her fate. She tripped on the branch of a tree root and she fell.
Her heart stopped as she heard the thing lumbered to a stop behind her.
Dead Dead she was dead!
It raised a clawed hand and brought it down-
She was

beep beep beep beep beep beep

Alive?

Cherry raised herself on her elbow and squinted at the noisy alarm clock that squealed at her. She slapped it off and rolled over.
She was sweating and felt like she really had run a mile.
But it was all a dream---right?
She was so tired-her eyelids slipped shut for a moment.

“Hey! Tamashiiyume-san! Are you up!?”
Cherry jolted awake.
What had happened? On no!
“I feel back asleep!” Cherry cried and leapt out of bed, noticing only for a second the twinge in her shoulder.
She ran to her window and threw it open.
Below were two girls, a tall lean spiky haired girl, and a curvy smiling brown haired girl.
“Arisawa-san, Inoue-san! I’m sorry! I fell back asleep! I’ll be down in a moment!”
“Hurry up or we’ll be later, Cherry-chan!” Orihime said as the curly haired girl disappeared from the window.

Cherry was a new student, barely having attended the high school for three months. Her mother and father were big business gurus and had decided to move to KaraKura where her father was born.
Cherry dressed as fast as she could as rushed downstairs noticing the continuing ache in her shoulder, she must have twisted something in her sleep.
She was busy tying her bow as she burst through the front door and bowed low to her two friends.
“Sorry, sorry,” She gasped and Tatsuki grinned.
“Ever think of trying out for track, Tamashiiyume-san?” She asked and they began to walk.
“Please, Arisawa-san, you can call me Cherry, I don’t mind,” Cherry scratched her head in an embarrassed manner. “I’ll never get use to it,”
“That’s fine, Cherry-san it is,” She raised a brow at her friend, “Your last name is a mouthful anyway,”
The three girls laughed as they began to walk to the high school.

They reached school grounds when Tatsuki noticed that Cherry seemed very pale.
“Are you okay Tam—uhh-Cherry-san?”
“I-I don’t feel good. My shoulder hurts,” She murmured.
Orihime looking puzzle leaned back and stared at Cherry’s shoulder. Then she gasped and pointed at Cherry.
“Ahh! Cherry-chan! You’re bleeding!”
Cherry twisted around trying to see, “What?”
“Here,” Tatsuki said and moved Cherry’s long brown curls aside, “Oh!” The girl exclaimed.
The back of Cherry’s uniform was soaked in blood. How could they have missed it?
“Cherry, we need to get you to the nurse right away! What did you do? Did you have stitches recently or something?”
“Nno-no! I don’t know! I-“ Cherry couldn’t answer---but this had happened before. Mysterious wounds when she woke up, cuts and bruises the doctors’ who treated her had only one answer. That she slept walk and somehow wounded herself in her sleep.
“Actually, you probably shouldn’t move, stay here, I’ll go get the nurse!” Tatsuki said. “Inoue-chan, stay with her!” And the dark haired girl took off nearly bowling over an orange haired kid.
“Hey! Look out, Arisawa!”
“Look out yourself, Kurosaki-kun!” She snapped and dashed off.
“Jeez,” Ichigo Kurosaki breathed, readjusting his backpack and beginning to walk when a small dark haired student grabbed his arm. “Kuchiki, what-?”

“Does it hurt much, Cherry-chan?” Orihime asked when a group of three boys and a girl came over.
They were Tatsuki and Orihime’s friends.
“Hey, Inoue-chan, what’s going on?” Ichigo asked. Orihime pointed to Cherry.
“Cherry-chan’s hurt!”
“It-It doesn’t hurt that much,” Cherry protested, but as if in retaliation her shoulder throbbed and she clutched at it.
“You’re bleeding all over the place, what happened?” Keigo Asano asked. Cherry shrugged.
“I-I don’t know,” She murmured and looked at her shoes.
Rukia Kuchiki, a student who had arrived sometime after Cherry, gave Ichigo a thoughtful look and then moved toward the injured girl.
“I had some first aid, maybe I can help, Tamashiiyume-san,” She said sweetly. Cherry shook her head.
“It’s my shoulder, you’d have to remove ---“ Cherry went absolutely red averting her eyes from a certain large student who stood at Ichigo’s elbow. “The nurse will be here soon. I’ll be okay. Thank you, Kuchiki-san,”

[Pipp-ORK]

...O_O" Is this a Rukia/OC fic...?

[Cherryhobbit]

No. ^^;
Things will be cleared up in the couple chapters.

Rukia stood up ready to argue that Cherry needed first aid right away but the sound of pounding footsteps caught her off.
Tatsuki had returned with the school nurse just as the bell began to chime.
“Crap, there’s the bell,” Ichigo frowned and looked down at Cherry as the Nurse pulled back the girl’s collar to peer down her shirt.
“You students go to class, except-you,” The Nurse pointed the large dark skinned boy at Ichigo’s side. “Sado-san, I need you to carry her. I’ll write you a pass,”
Cherry’s face was turning tomato red, “No really I can walk,” She protested and took a step forward. The Nurse stopped her.
“Stop, Tamashiiyume-san, you’re only going to bleed more if you keep moving,” She turned to group of students and shooed them. “Go to class, go to class or you’ll be late,”
“I-I guess we’ll see you at lunch, Cherry-chan,” Tatsuki said sadly and pulled on Orihime’s arm. “Come on, Inoue-chan,”
“See you in a bit, Chad-kun, don’t get too chummy with her!” Keigo hollered making the dark skinned student blush beneath his bangs. Ichigo pulled on Keigo and they all started inside.
Cherry looked helplessly at Chad, wondering how he wanted to carry her exactly. He scratched his head looking just as helpless and then he knelt down.
“Here, Tamashiiyume-san, you can get on my back,”
Cherry nodded and, if possible, went even redder, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he tucked one large hand in the nook of her knee to keep her steady.
“Alright, let’s hurry then before that cut gets infected,” The Nurse said and hurried off, not saying anything if she noticed the students’ obvious discomfort.
This was a dream and a nightmare for Cherry.
Both Tatsuki and Orihime knew that she liked the big student, Yasutora Sado, or as his friends called him, Chad.
Her whole body had to be scarlet, her face felt like it was on fire, and she wondered if Chad could feel the heat from it.
<I>It’s nothing, he’s only carrying me because the nurse asked him. It’s nothing. She only asked him because he was the biggest. It’s nothing . . .. awwww!!! I am so embarrassed!</I> Cherry thought.
The walk to the Nurse’s office seemed to take forever and Cherry tried to ignore the fact that she could feel Chad’s muscles underneath his uniform as he moved, or that he smelled slightly of soap, or that she could hear the necklace he wore jingling softly----oh she was going to have a nosebleed and die of anemia she knew it!!
Finally, the arrived at the office and the nurse had Cherry sit on a backless stool as she went over to her desk and scrawled out a hall pass to Chad.
“There you go, Sado-san. Thank you very much,”
He accepted the pass and turned to Cherry and she noticed he looked very red himself.
“I hope you feel better, Tamashiiyume-san,”
“Thank you, Sado-san,” She said and gave a clumsy bow from her seat but it only made her wince. The Nurse snapped at her as Chad opened the door to leave.
“Don’t move, Tamashiiyume-san! You’re only going to open the wound more!”
--


“Oi, there she is, Cherry-chan!” Tatsuki yelled as the lunch bell chimed. Cherry had just entered the classroom, a hall pass in hand.
She handed the note to the teacher and looked sheepish as she moved forward to sit with the two girls.
“Sorry about this morning,” She said and unpacked her lunch.
“What <I>did</I> happen?” Tatsuki asked.
Cherry shook her head, “I-I don’t know. When I was little I use to have this happen all the time. My doctor said that I slept walked and must have hurt myself, but,” Cherry stuck her straw into her juice box. “I haven’t had an episode in years. I-I don’t know why it happened,”
“Wouldn’t your parents notice you walking around and cutting yourself in your sleep?” Orihime asked as she munched on a loaf of bread.
Cherry suddenly looked very sad. “My parents---aren’t home very often,” She smeared some Mayo on her sandwich. “I don’t think I ever had an episode when they were home . . . I only get to see them a couple times a year,”
“A year!?” Tatsuki choked. “Who takes care of you?”
“Oh we have some people who come and take care of the house so I’m not always alone . . . “ She trailed off, staring at her sandwhich.
Orihime looked concerned, only knowing what Cherry must have felt like all too well. Luckily, Tatsuki knew how to change the subject.
“So-what’s it like getting a piggy-back ride from Sado-kun?”
“Tatsuki!?” Cherry yelped going a vibrant magenta.
“What? Its an innocent question,” She said and slurped on her juice. “It must be nice to have the guy you’ve got the hots for carry you around the school like royalty,”
Cherry looked like she would go into shock as she fought between air and words.

[dark_kitsune]

Ah! This holds a lot of potential. Nice job so far and I really like your OC.

As far as critques go....I would maybe vary my sentance structure a little and not have the subject of the sentance at the very beginning.. It helps keep the text fresh and is visually stimulating. "It's good to mix it up a bit" as my english prof. would say.

instead of: She ran to her window and threw it open.
try: Running to her window, she threw it open.

and maybe add some more description. Like: Running to her window, she threw it open and peered at the street below beneath a veil of tangled hair.

of course if every sentance was like that it'd be a pain in the ass to read but a few of them helps to paint a more vivid picture for your readers. or as my beta reader likes to tell me - "you may be able to see it in your head....but I can't!"

Aside from my minor pointers - very good job. Looking forward to the next chapter. Also, if you want some good reviews and tips you should consider posting your fics on fanfiction.net :redbiggri

[Ryudell]

It's a Chad/OC, is it? How sweet^^