Gone

[summer_faerie]

ok so I need your help guys! Can you tell me if this poem has anything to do with memories. I wrote it trying to do it in the theme of memories, bu re-reading it I am not sure if I did or not. Some side notes from you guys would be great!

Gone

Is this what you wanted
Is this what you meant
When you told me goodbye
I remember the way you would make me feel
It was like floating on a cloud
Why can’t we go back to that
I just want to be normal again
I miss the way we were
So happy, always smiling
The tenderness in your laugh
Could keep me warm for ages
Snuggled safe inside your arms
I could take anything on
Now all alone, I feel afraid
Where is that strength I once had
It left with you, down that open highway
Laughing at old jokes, making new jokes
Always together, you helped me survive
That day you left cut me deep
Living became a task
My whole being had just died
With no reason to carry on
How could you do that to me
Acting so aloof
Brushing me away as if I meant nothing
But I know, one day you will look back
Reminisce about me, and what we did
Thinking about that is what helps me move on
For I know, that no matter what
When you look back
I’ll be gone

[kaede822]

woah! its nice summer! im not just saying that because your my wife..but i read it and it sounds pretty sad..yeah it is about memories..good one! *hugs*

[layla]

hmm, i guess in a way it is about memories since its gone and past. all the moments you cherished and loved. its also about love, but most poems are. but if you had aimed for memories exactly, mmm, might be a bit, ambiguous.^^ oh, and is this a thread with an exact topic or is it just for your poem?

edit: i'm confused at how this section works now @@ so do we start our own thread or something?

[summer_faerie]

it had to based on memories. But I was told that it could start on a memory and go off from there. So as long as it is losely based then thats good. I just would have preferd a better one -_-" Thanks for the CC though Mommy!

@Kaede *hugs* awww thanks babe!

[layla]

mmm, yupyup no problem^^ loosely based, then its fine as it is. but u can always try to write another one if ur not too satisfied.

[Helikaon]

well you said you wanted help :) so if you dont mind ill suggest some things

um 4th line i think should be shorter and go: I remember the way you made me feel, just a little less awkward for the rythmn
That day you left cut me deep, How about: That day you left me, my life felt empty?
Also how about Living became a burden?
Thinking about that is what helps me move on
how about thinking about that is what helps me pick up the pieces

sorry if it feels like im trying to change it too much.. just some suggestions you dont have to use them

[summer_faerie]

ok so does this sound better to you guys then?

Gone

Is this what you wanted
Is this what you meant
When you told me goodbye
I remember the way you made me feel
It was like floating on a cloud
Why can’t we go back to that
I just want to be normal again
I miss the way we were
So happy, always smiling
The tenderness in your laugh
Could keep me warm for ages
Snuggled safe inside your arms
I could take anything on
Now all alone, I feel afraid
Where is that strength I once had
It left with you, down that open highway
Laughing at old jokes, making new jokes
Always together, you helped me survive
The day you left me, my life became empty
Living became a task
My whole being had just died
With no reason to carry on
How could you do that to me
Acting so aloof
Brushing me away as if I meant nothing
But I know, one day you will look back
Reminisce about me, and what we did
Thinking about that is what helps me move on
For I know, that no matter what
When you look back
I’ll be gone

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

ok so does this sound better to you guys then?
Gone
Is this what you wanted
Is this what you meant
When you told me goodbye
I remember the way you made me feel
It was like floating on a cloud
Why can’t we go back to that
I just want to be normal again
I miss the way we were
So happy, always smiling
The tenderness in your laugh
Could keep me warm for ages
Snuggled safe inside your arms
I could take anything on
Now all alone, I feel afraid
Where is that strength I once had
It left with you, down that open highway
Laughing at old jokes, making new jokes
Always together, you helped me survive
The day you left me, my life became empty
Living became a task
My whole being had just died
With no reason to carry on
How could you do that to me
Acting so aloof
Brushing me away as if I meant nothing
But I know, one day you will look back
Reminisce about me, and what we did
Thinking about that is what helps me move on
For I know, that no matter what
When you look back
I’ll be gone
Much better. My only recommendation would be fourth line- "I remember the feeling" instead of "I remember the way you made me feel". Its the only line that doesnt flow decently in the whole poem

[Winter-war]

@ summer_faerie- are u going to post that for the contest? becuase that was good!

[summer_faerie]

Yeah it is for an inner division contest! lol, I just wanted to see what everyone though about it. Get some good CC, which I have. So thank you guys for helping me out and for reading it!