PDA

View Full Version : Sleep - A short story


Neve
07-13-2006, 09:24 PM
I recently got sidetracked while writing the CBRPG storyline, and ended up writing this (which isn't actually Bleach related at all XD). It's pretty terrible, to be honest - I used to be a lot better at fiction, but this is the first thing I've written for about two years, so it was inevitably going to be fairly poor quality. Still, I hope to write more and improve over this holidays, and try and regain my previous standard.

It really is important that you read all of it all the way through to the end, and don't skip out anything before commenting =D.

Sleep

Dim light replaces darkness as my eyes slowly open. Waking up next to you is beautiful. My first sight is your gently shut eyes, my first scent the fragrance of your hair. You look so peaceful in sleep. I move slowly, careful not to disturb you, careful not to shatter that perfection that is created by your tranquillity.

I run a single finger through your long copper hair, its soft texture relaxing to the senses. I move it slowly across your face, exploring your features – your perfectly shaped nose; your tender lips; your smooth chin. I move down your delicate neck on to your smooth, soft breasts. Then to your slim waist, finally reaching your long, slender legs. Having you next to me means the end of pain. The end of feeling hurt. I will never be unhappy again.

I recall the time when you were not mine. When I spent my life in dark bars desperately trying to relieve my pain. Injecting those evil fluids into my body and choking as much vile alcohol into my throat as I could afford, trying to make myself forget my failure. To make myself forget that I had ruined everything. That there was no going back for me.

But then I found you. Your presence alone convinced me to leave my pain behind and flush those disgusting impurities from my veins. And my life finally had purpose: to persuade you that you loved me in the same way that I did. And even when I was rejected again and again, even when you told me that you would never love me I continued to try harder. Because I love you.

And here I am. With you at last. And I no longer need anything else. I no longer care about my worthless job, about my tiny apartment, about my pathetic social life or about my uncaring family. I have you. Nothing else matters.

And as I watch the blood encrusted on your body slowly turning black in the harsh light of the sun, I kiss your cold lips again, slowly running my hands over the cuts I made in your perfect form only two days ago. I still remember the sounds of your screams. And it doesn’t matter, because I finally have my wish. I finally have my dream. I finally have you. And you will never leave me.

And as the door crashes down, and men surround me, the sounds of their shouts filling the air, it doesn’t matter. I run my hands across your naked body one more time. And as they swear at me and bind my hands. As they tell me where I’m going for the next fifty years it doesn’t matter. Because I have you.

You’re still asleep.

maximoose666
07-16-2006, 12:00 AM
Ouch, bitter ending. Great story, really excellent use of imagery. Past of the narrator could have used more depth? Maybe? His motivations for (killing the girl is the suggestion?) are unclear, they're guessable but maybe should be hinted at more strongly?
An awesome work all in all though, nice job :)

Undying
07-17-2006, 09:54 AM
Oh man.. tradegy in its best. Cold blooded, crazy murdered (crazed by social life, but still...). I loved it. Very well done.

Although the narrator could truly use some more BG, you know. More of why he killed her (although I have a sneaking suspicion I know...), and more about his personal life.

I loved it *wipes tears*

BeeCrest
07-24-2006, 04:41 PM
Wow, that's pretty awesome itsovernow. Despite the darkness behind the main character I really loved it. Maybe a little more description on what's going on in the narrator's mind on why he killed her, but once again good job :)

an_eggroll
08-10-2006, 01:03 PM
Nice fic. That guy is crazy, never force love, let it caress you, lol.

Lolable
08-10-2006, 02:48 PM
Lol I thought it was porn xD well they way you described the way he felt and stuff it is very lovely and shows you have the potential to be agreat writer if you allready aren't xD
but unexpected that he killed her >.<

blueice760
08-10-2006, 02:58 PM
oh wow what a twist!!!!

the description is amazing!, so realistic, just amazing. the words fit together so nicely.
i like it though, normally i dont like bad endings but...damn that description is just good.

your talent augurs well for the future! :toocool:

Neve
08-10-2006, 03:18 PM
Lol I thought it was porn xD well they way you described the way he felt and stuff it is very lovely and shows you have the potential to be agreat writer if you allready aren't xD
but unexpected that he killed her >.<
XD it wasn't meant to be porn. It was meant to be a deep description of the character's misguided passion for the girl he had killed, and to emphasise his desire for her =D. But I guess you could call it porn XD.

Thanks for your comments everyone =D. I guess it would be better if I had put in more description of why he killed her, but I was really scared that if I did that it would ruin the shock element, by having in too much after the twist. I'll see if I can work on that, because you're right, it would be better with a little more description.

sherenetms
09-22-2006, 03:20 PM
A wonderful piece of romance story. Great job, ION!!

MY!! That is one sweet and yet sad story. But it really is shocking towards the end. He killed her in the name of love...*sobs*. Didnt really expect that. But perhaps you can make this short story more profound? I bet it'll be even more interesting then.

Dexter
09-24-2006, 07:04 AM
wow, that was cool. i did not expect him to kill her...
it's not unclear y he did tho - she wouldn't accept him, right?
u described things really well without it getting boring which can be hard in a short story.
awesome!

Baby-Pie
09-24-2006, 10:13 AM
that was a good piece totally didnt see the ending coming...damn all that in the name of love?? first i thought he was a drug addict who was saved by that girl sleeping beside him then it finished off with him being a nutcase wow nice twist itsovernow :)