Mire of Mind

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Thoughts of Insanity
Fill my head
Drifting and playing
As I go to bed

I lie wide awake
My eyes far too bright
I hear the children play
Far out in the night

They laugh oh so loud
They live oh so pure
Do they deserve it
Oh im not so sure

A laugh much louder
Fills my mind
And with a smile
I walk outside

They look and they gape
They all move aside
For in my eyes
There deaths do reside

Silently screaming
They all start to run
And with a flick of my hand
The good deed is done



Tell me what cha think.

[maximoose666]

My goodness, it's a very scary poem. I like the fact that you've chosen a rhyme scheme that sounds like a nursery rhyme - it's a nice ironic contrast with the subject matter and adds to the feeling of insanity imo. I wonder if you should have made the ending more graphic? Like, more shocking and bloody? But then, that could just be my twisted mind craving blood and gore =o

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Just for you maxi ill post draft one which I ended up changing lol. Bloodbath version


Thoughts of Insanity
Fill my head
Drifting and playing
As I go to bed

I lie wide awake
My eyes far too bright
I hear the children play
Far out in the night


They laugh oh so loud
They live oh so pure
Do they deserve it
Oh im not so sure

A laugh much louder
Fills my mind
And with a smile
I walk outside

They look and they gape
They all move aside
For in my eyes
There deaths do reside

Silently screaming
They all start to run
And thats when I know
My fun has begun

I dance all around
The world has turned red
I start with the children
But too soon there dead

On to the woman
I laugh and they scream
And as there heads fly
Their souls I do ream

The men are the last
And the most fun it seems
As my teeth pierce there flesh
My eyes they do gleam

Fun time is over
A field drenched in red
And with their skulls
I make my new bed

[Isis]

Hey Katen, I really like this poem. It sounds like a nursery rhyme but turns sour. The bloodbath version is pretty good, if only not for the spelling mistakes :p:

[maximoose666]

Love the bloodbath version :D . But I see why you made the change, I think the first one is better overall.

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Yeah I just thought that the first six paragrahs were really good while the rest was so so, so i took off the end and gave it that weird feel by calling it a good deed lol.

Btw iladys what was misspelled, I kno ream was wrong....but im to lazy to figure that out:toocool:. Was there anything else?

[Isis]

Their. You used there, which keeps linking to a location when you're talking abou people. Love the short one better, it contradicts and is a good deed for an evil person :headbang:

[SoundWave]

I really like the first one.. Sounds like some kind of lullaby.. lol.. The bloodbath version is pretty good too, but I think that the first one has a better flow.. Nice ^^

[Sanzora]

O_o Dude, remind me to never tick you off! But brilliantly written poem. It starts off like something children would run around singing... I could almost hear them chanting it :LOL: I prefer the first one to the bloodbath version though. It has more of an eriness to it, leaving the details to one's imagination

[BeeCrest]

They remind me of....Voldermort from Harry Potter XP I love how mystifying the first one begins to be, and then goes on to be about murder.

Pwnage imagery:
And with their skulls
I make my new bed