Through Our Eyes

[iladys]

Here, I have two versions of the poem; First through his eyes, the second through her eyes. I was influenced by many things in my life, as well as through a fan fic I read and a few songs.

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The past flashes infront of your eyes,
As you walk away from her.
All the pleasant memories you had,
All the painful torture you shared.

Were there things that should've been said?
Things that should've been done?
Smiles that should've shown?
Tears that should've fell?

Time was short, our relationship was short.
Our faces blurred, faded through space.
Feelings never came across at the right time,
Only forced us to forget what was there.

Never realised that it was you,
You, who kept me sane, alive.
Was too caught up in the war,
Pain was all I ever wanted to feel.

That was my mistake,
For I never stopped to think about you.
Did I mean to leave you behind,
With a lonesome heart and battered soul.

What I've done, will haunt me forever.
Nothing can take away all of this.
All I have, all I ever had,
Was the love you still gave to me.

The past stops flashing,
and you no longer see her..
You only see what's ahead of you,
With those eyes, full of nothing.

The battle you fought,
Alone; For you left the only one you loved.
She was sprawled on the ground,
Dead; Left with only your coldness...


Taking up less than those memories.

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The past flashes infront of your eyes,
As the blood drips to the ground.
All the pleasant memories you had,
All the painful torture you shared.

Were there things that should've been said?
Things that should've been done?
Smiles that should've shown?
Tears that should've fell?

Time was short, our relationship was short.
Our faces blurred, faded through space.
Feelings never came across at the right time,
It forced you to forget what was there.

Never acknowledged that it was you,
you, who hurt me, left me with little.
Was too caught up with my feelings,
Your love was all I ever wanted.

That was your downfall,
For I never stopped to think about you.
Did you mean to leave me behind,
With shattered dreams and a longing heart.

What wasn't done will haunt me forever.
What has been done, has left me with regrets.
All I have, all I ever had,
Was the love you still gave to me.

The past stops flashing,
and your vision starts to leave..
You only see the darkness behind him,
With those eyes, full of nothing.

The battle you fought,
Alone; For you let the one you loved go.
He was on the other side of the front,
Fighting; Left with only your silence...


Taking up less than those memories.

[yumisan]

a good one and i manage to read the whole thing though my eyes is getting blur reading it.(can't get used to staring at the computer for long) because i like it and i able to understand it.nice one nee-san.

[MasterWordSmith]

Oh come now? 1 reply? Length shouldn't detract from solid critique! These are the lines and my sugestions on how you can improve them...
The past flashes infront of your eyes,
"Your" past maybe? It seems like that would be more organic, implying that it's something involving this person. Also, there is really no need for a comma, the line break implys this for the most part.
All the pleasant memories you had,
All the painful torture you shared.
Repetition is good, but not here. I feel like by starting early repitition in such a long peice, you set yourself up for being stale and overused. Maybe word it like:
"All the pleasant memories you had
and the painful torture you shared."

for some reason I just like that better.
Were there things that should've been said?
Things that should've been done?
Smiles that should've shown?
Tears that should've fell?
this stanza in it's entirety can be summed up rather quickly. Try and keep it alive by making the questions longer, or rather melding them together. Also, I think "that should've" doesnt work as well as "we should've" using we gives me a more strong personal connection to the poem.
Were there things we should've said or
Things that we should've done?
Smiles that we should've shown or
Tears that should've fell?
Maybe I'm just overevaluating your style and you like it better the other way, I just feel more flow in this iteration of the stanza. Perhaps try a combination of you way and mine :P
Time was short, our relationship was short.
Our faces blurred, faded through space.
Feelings never came across at the right time,
Only forced us to forget what was there.

The comma in L2 is not needed, replace it with an actual word like "then" to make it flow nicer throughout. Lines 3-4 don't make sense to me, maybe pulling all nighters just makes things incoherent, but for some reason I can't understand your wording, can you explain?

Never realised that it was you,
You, who kept me sane, alive.
Was too caught up in the war,
Pain was all I ever wanted to feel.
using "you" two times I dislike here because the emphasis already exists because you are talking about the focus of the poem. I'd recomend cutting the 2nd you from L2, as well as removing the commas around them. L3 isn't a complete sentace and needs to be revisited. There is no subject. In L4, is there some explaination of WHY you only wanted to feel pain? That seems very inhuman for someone who is just that, a human. Then again, I've never been an emotional person.
That was my mistake,
For I never stopped to think about you.
Did I mean to leave you behind,
With a lonesome heart and battered soul.

Lines 1 and 2 are good, I like how they flow from one to another, and it's a good use of "For"(usually I don't like that style of english so it's a compliment)
L3 and L4 are worded as a question but no question mark is present.

What I've done, will haunt me forever.
Nothing can take away all of this.
All I have, all I ever had,
Was the love you still gave to me.

In L1 is very dramatic. It sets up well for a "self realization" type of ending. The closing part of this is some of the best. In L3 I recommend an Italicization (spelled right? >.>) of the word "ever" to show that this is eternal. Rather than a temporary feeling. In L4 remove the word "still" as it just detracts from the meaning and makes the sentace wordier.

The past stops flashing,
and you no longer see her..
You only see what's ahead of you,
With those eyes, full of nothing.
I like how it "stops flashing" insted of just ending and fades back into reality. It realy shows an anilitical side to the poem. Almost like a self critisism of the flashback. Remove the comma from L1 and put only 1 period at the end of line2. Elispes are not required. I don't like line4. I just don't. It really doesn't mean anything, unless you can clarify or explain, it has no real place in this stanza.
The battle you fought,
Alone; For you left the only one you loved.
She was sprawled on the ground,
Dead; Left with only your coldness...
I like it, good ending. But it somehow feels cliched, a battle with a lost maiden. Perhaps there is some sort of phrasing or description you could use to shake that classic tragedy feel. Unless, that's what you wanted, in which case congrats! ^^. No elipses at the end, we don't need to be left wondering, simply continue the sentace. The elipses break the phrase up when the next line is just simply exquisite. The english here isn't quite right, maybe phrase it like this.
The battle you fought you fough
Alone, For you left the only one you loved.
She was sprawled on the ground
Dead and Left with only your coldness.
I feel that does more gramitcal justice to your ending, of course, there are a thousand ways you could do it.

Taking up less than those memories.
I love it. In fact, I think it's one of my top 5 favorite stand alone lines. Read it alound in conjunction with the begining.

"Left only with your coldness; taking up less space than your memories." A truely poetic line.

I think that does it for this half. I would honestly continue if you wanted me too, but I think you get the general idea of what I am saying. Job well done on an epic piece.

[iladys]

Woah Smith, O___O I just died right there haha. You do an amazing job with criticising and commenting on my work. You're so precise already yet there is more!? Ah. When I find time, I shall learn to edit them because I get where you're coming from on this. Thanks muchly :)

[MasterWordSmith]

No problem ^^, I really like your work from what I've seen, it rings of a very styleized feel. The problem with most amature works is that they all sound the same, where as yours has a very unique sense of self.

Anyway, Editing is about self critisism. "What am I doing right", "Is this sentace really nessecary?" type of questions that really refine one's work.

[evil-overlord]

i liked it nice work :)