Club Bleach Poetry Contest Round One

[maximoose666]

CLUB BLEACH POETRY CONTEST ROUND ONE

Theme: Mankind and Nature

Due Date: 16th August 2006

Rules:
No racism or incitement to religious hatred in your poems.
No using others' works and submitting them as your own.

Judges: maximoose666, Pylar, Ruk

Notes:
We will give each poem a score out of ten and give comments and criticism on it. The poem with the highest score will be the winner this round. If this is a success I will create more rounds with different themes and you can add your scores if you wish.

Your entries can be any length. They can contain sexually explicit content and swearing if you really want, but if this is the case please post them in spoiler tags (and I doubt you'll want to include such content with this month's theme anyway.)

Submit your entries in this thread please. Please keep this thread for entries only, no chatting. Chat and discuss the entries in the other thread.

[Ai]

Death
Leaves drifting slowly and gracefully to the ground,
Like blood dripping, flowing from the wound.
As leaves return to the earth from hence they came,
So does our lifeblood eventually sucumb to the same fate too
incorrect punctuation, would suggest using none at all
You imply blood dripping gracefully(L1 & 2) those two lines are rather jarring and not even logical.
Score : 5/10

Ruk

I don't really see any major problems with the punctuaion here, but the lack of a full stop after "too" worries me, because if the lifeblood is succumbing to this fate (ie. the poem ends in death) then surely that is a very final end, deserving of a full stop (or "period" as the americans call it).
Anyway, you have some nice ideas in here, but as the poem is basically one extended simile it is a tad simple for me. Also you should have said ""whence" or from whence" then came. "hence" means "from here", but that doesn't make sense in this context. "Whence" means "from where" :P
Score: 6/10

Maxi

[Icestorm]

Burned

Fires are long burning
Throughout the earth
Fires go unseen by the eyes of many
Fires of hatred consuming souls

See the anguish in his eyes?
Desperation and pleading
Fill the void where happiness died
Stop! please stop the hatred!

the above does not read as part of the final 5 stanzas. You might want to eliminate them

Would make a good new Title ->Cries go unheard

You dont see it
I know because i dont either
It passes through our minds
Like the gentle breeze on a summers day Very nice stanza, great last line

But do we have any real power?
Is it a lost cause?
A desperate attempt with no end
Swept to the far reaches of our minds

Admit it!
Nothing will ever change
The rich will die rich remove "the"
The poor will die poor remove "the"
Meanwhile we sit on our fence in the middle might change we here to you and I

Sighing and shaking our heads

As the breath of many
Leaves the body
Forgotten along with hope <-- move this line down better flow
For one last time


Very Philosophical & Understood Nice Job

Score 7/10 (Could have been higher but those first 2 stanzas just don't fit)
Ruk

No punctuation except for exclamation and question marks is interesting but works well here. I'm loving your 2 long lines running into each other in the first stanza before the single word "stop!" on the next line, cutting off the flow abruptly. Ruk's comment on the lack of a link between the first 2 stanzas and the rest is I think perceptive; I see little to link them with the rest of the poem except perhaps a general sense of atmosphere. On a grammar point, it should be " summer's day " in the next stanza. I have no problems with your use of the definite article ("the") in the following stanza; it works well for me. In fact, I actually think a full stop at the end of each of those statements would improve the poem and gie them a sense of finality (the rich will die rich. the poor will die poor.) Great final stanza and as Ruk said the poem is very philosophical.
Score: 7.5/10

Maxi

[BeeCrest]

Black Flower
L3 Reach and touch the green essence,
L4 This aura is clean of man's fire.
L1Taste the bitterness of your black flower,
L2 No longer is purity the primal desire.
Feel the crimson dirt beneath your feet,
As Earth drinks the blood of man, for me soaks might be better here vs drinks
And while we take in her lithium water, drop the "and" and who is the we?
She will reclaim life to bring back land. See notes below about the last 2 lines

Eliminate the puntuation

Ok try and folllow me here in the first two lines you have this essence. With how it reads now I am left wondering what it is. If you were to rearange the first four lines (see my numbers next to them) it would define itself better with out changing your wording.

The last two lines do not connect with the previous, maybe have something connecting the blood of the earth with the feeding of the "Black Flower" Something like :

while we take in lithium water
life will be reclaimed to bring back land

Just my thoughts, even with all the markings in here don't think I disliked this poem in fact I really liked the idea you were trying to get across.

Score 8/10

Ruk

Very nice. I like the feel of the first four lines a lot, but I'm not really surre I understand them. Presumably "green essence" refers to something natural, the essence of nature perhaps? Which (if so) then makes the second line understandable. Much as I like the fire/desire rhyme, and the next two lines, I really don't understand them at all and I feel that you should have done something to better explain them...
"Feel the crimson dirt beneath your feet,
As Earth drinks the blood of man"
Is a terrific couplet, full of meaning and rich imagery and symbolism. And for me, "drinks" is better than "soaks". The comman after "feet" shouldn't be there though in my opinion - even though I like the punctuation in the rest of the poem. "lithium water" is another insightful simile, and the meaning of the poem is well brought out by the last line. And while I prefer the rhythm of Ruk's suggested line (life will be reclaimed to bring back land), I actually think your original line works better in the poem as it furthers the personification of
(mother) "earth". I really enjoyed reading this poem, well done.

Score: 9/10

Maxi

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Turmoil

The death around me is all that I see what do you see?
Visions of peace seem so far away describe visions
Twilight comes again and the plains are quiet eliminate "again"
Waiting for the battle that shall come the next day what type of battle?


But off to the west lies a land covered by mist eliminate "but"
A place unknown but known all the same does not make sense to me
Waterfalls roar and trees sway with wind very nice line
A place oh so gentle but meant for the strong elaborate on "but meant for the strong"


Looking in silence my weapon hits the ground what weapon? why?
Without me knowing my feet start to move this line is a mess, are you dazed? In Fear? In awe? really needs some work
I walk among the trees and the rocks and the river Easy rewrite of this line it would flow better imo like so : I walk among the trees, the rocks, and river
And feel an emotion that ive seldom known describe the emotion


Awed by the wonder I continue to move what wonder? plus if it were me Awed would be up a stanza on the 2nd line replacing the "without me knowing" portion of the line. and this line would be : the wonder continues to make me move
But I know every turn and every rock screams my name rocks do not scream
Finally at last a vision of beatuy what vision? and beauty is misspelled
When I think of whats waiting I jump for the sky describe whats waiting

Over all I have to say the stanzas do not support the title well. But there is a great potential for creating unique images. Does not pull me in enough or make me see what you as the writer/narrator does.

Score 6/10

Ruk

If I take the starting point that the narrator is a warrior and that the battle described is a real one, then this poem becomes understandable. A weapon would be a natural thing for a warrior to hold. So in my opinion, what happens in this poem is that a warrior leaves a battle in a daze or trance of awe, and wanders to a place of peace and beauty. Good concept :) But the poem is marred by confused sentences and syntax. The first stanza could be tighter, and you need "will" come, not "shall". My problems with the second stanza are similar to Ruk's. A place unknown but known all the same does not make sense to me either. There are ways around it - something like "a place never known, but always desired" would have worked better . And personally, I cannot stand the phrase"oh so gentle". "Oh so" seems not to fit with the tone of the language in the rest of the poem. I think the next stanza is fine, I have no major problems with that although it is worth looking at Ruk's criticisms as I agree with most of them. "Awed by the wonder" approches tautology. It should be "what's" waiting in your final line. but on the whole, your last two stanzas are better than the others. This poem has some potential, and it is a good concept, but you should spend more time on tightening your stanzas and lines, and really work hard on choosing the best vocabulary to use.

Score: 5.5/10

Maxi

[summer_faerie]

Beauty such as this

Beauty such as this
Comes ever so often
Hair like a halo White? Golden?
Eyes like the sea what color blue, turquoise, green, azure etc.?
What beauty was she who is she?


Not even a rose could compare what is the rose being compared to? her lips?
The red to dull dull what?
Her lips were much more vivid vivid? describe
The green leaves seemed waxy I see no purpose to this line
While her skin so smooth who's skin?

This strange beauty
This forest fairy of mine
Danced on the wind
And floated on the waterfalls

Ok take this how you wanted but after reading the above stanza all I could think was Hallmark Card.

I watched her drift down the river how?
So entranced, I had to follow why?
Then she looked at me and smiled This line and the next again made me think Hallmark
The whole world seemed to change


The forest became so lush where did the forest come from?
The water so clear
But not even that rose could compare
To the beauty I held
Tight in my arms

Beauty such as this
Has never before been seen
Beauty such as this
Will never come again
Nothing can compare

After the forest line I stopped making comments on my printed copy. The poem has to much telling and no "showing. It is not clear what or who beauty is and there is really a lack of focus here.

Score 5/10

Ruk

This poem reminds me of the 19th Century English poets associated with pre-raphaelitism. The gothicky feel and talk of fairies draws comparisons in my mind with the work of Rossetti and Tennyson. Now while Ruk may say that there is not enough showing in this poem and an excess of telling, Tennyson's writing also sometimes did this (told rather than showed). So I am not put off the poem by this use of a pseudo-pre-raphaelite style. "Such beauty had she" would have worked better as the last line of the first stanza in my opinion. Agreed with Ruk's comment on the green leaves line in the following stanza.The Hallmark comment made me laugh and Ruk had a point. I know where the forest came from - this is a forest fairy after all. I think the last line of the poem would have been better with a full stop at the end of it. Overall, the poem would have benefitted from more detailed description and imagery, but again, it has potential.

Score: 5.5/10

Maxi

[CRL]

the leaves

first thing out of the gate this block of text has stanzas so I have broken it up how I would see it.

S1:
the leaves that fall from our trees - remove "the" and "that"
and slowly glide towards the ground - remove "and"
with no hope of stopping
no hope of a breeze coming by
and pushing the leaf further - reword this a tad to : to push the leves further

S2:
the falling leaves resemble mankind - remove "the"
and our fall from our own lives - I would change to : "the fall from thier own lives"
we never have any hope - would change to : "man has no hope"
of being picked up by a breeze
mankind will fall end it here

The last stanza just falls apart that it does not even fit. And I would reccoment removing it.

and with it all
what was once our homes
and so what we did to the leaves
has been brought down upon
we and our kin

Not bad, needs some major work. And I know some people claim they like blocks of text for there poems, but they make it very hard for people to read and follow.

Score 5/10

Ruk

Agreed with Ruk on the need to remove "the" and "that" from the first line. In which case you shouldn't remove "and" from the next lin :P
no hope of a breeze coming by
and pushing the leaf further doesn't make sense to me, a breeze will often change the direction of a falling leaf. I like the despairing feel of the poem, but the language and imagery just don't have the power that I would like.

Score: 5/10

Maxi

[sto67]

didactic

its been a long time since
nature has had her way
in trying to convince
us through what she has to say.

For me personification is a problem here ie: nature... her.. she.


subtleties in wind direction
air temperatures and ozone holes
still don't deter man's path from pollution,
despite all he think he knows.

Try to avoid telling your reader anything try to show them through your words.

ice caps cry bloody murder, ice caps can not "cry bloody murder"
weeping fresh tears locked in time; or weep fresh tears
drowning the world deep under drowning? are not the ice caps frozen?
mankind's crimes.

there is no substitute for quality of life;
this is the disposable generation,
where men only strive
to gain pleasure through inaction.

The last stanza is very awkward does not flow smoothly.

The attempted rhyme failed. Does not grab and pull reader in, nothing really creative or new.

Score 5/10

Ruk


When I started reading this poem, I wondered what relation the title has to the rest of the poem. "Didactic" means "teaching", or with an educational tone, and surely only the first stanza, perhaps, with its talk of nature's efforts to convince us, seems to touch in any way on the meaning of the title. But then I read it through and understood. The poem itself is a lesson to mankind. Personification of nature is not a problem for me :)I like the next stanza a lot, I think the descriptions are unusual and interesting. But it should be "thinks", not "think". Presumably just a typo :P Ice caps can "cry bloody murder" in my opinion, they are being murdered by mankind - again, I have no problems with personification. The last verse works well for me as well. I actually find myself liking this poem a great deal. The rhyme is not particularly special, but it is fine, and adds a nice rhythm and feel to the poem. Well done.

Score: 8.5/10

Maxi

[pylar]

Due to requests, the new due date will be August 16th (which is a Wednesday) at midnight PST.
<3

[Isis]

Disaster

Eliminate all the Punctuation ;)

The horrible sound of screams, -who is screaming?
The sudden impact of destruction; -what type of destruction?
Left my people bewildered and confused, describe
Shock consumed them like It consumed others. what/who are others?

I watch these shallow waters, what waters?
As the sun sets on the horizon; describe vs tell
I tread with the collection of caskets, walking w/caskets this is not clear
Of the innocent people whose lives, lost. insert "are" in-between lives and lost

I scan my surroundings for a sign,
A sign of sympathy, compassion, hope;
I find nothing but the pain in my heart,
For the people whose leader couldn't protect.

For the above show w/some images as it is its not clear.

I feel the tears and suffering,
Of the ones who didn't get to say goodbye;
I give a silent prayer for them,
Hoping their souls will reach nirvana.

This unforeseen tragedy,
One which took away our dignity;
Telling us to reshape our future,
And regret what was never done.

The horrible sound of screams,
The sudden impact of destruction;
Left this leader resolve and responsibility,
To rebuild what was taken away.

Overall I feel this is about a particular disater - prehaps it could be more concrete to strengthen it. Just too vague as it.

Score 6/10

Ruk

This also seems to me as it relates in particular to the Tusnami of last January - at the very least, you cannot blame readers for making that connection. Given that this is the case, I do think it would benefit from being a little less vague, and giving more specific details, as at the moment it seems stuck in a half-way-house between being a factual poem and an imaginary one.
On the first stanza, I must say that the semicolon after "destruction" is completely unneccessary and indeed ruins the sense of the poem. It stops
The sudden impact of destruction;
Left my people bewildered and confused,
from being a single meaningful statement, and makes it into two separate ones which make no sense on their own. The next stanza is fine except for what Ruk commented on, and I do not even need further explanation on your reference to "these shallow waters". In the next stanza, to make sense the line needs to read For the people whose leader couldn't protect them
Again, the next stanza does not read as a sentence. Ruk's idea of eliminating the punctuation might be worth looking into, as if you don't get punctuation right it can really ruin a good poem, as it seems to be doing here. I do like your final stanza though, it has a good determined and resolved feel to it, echoing the content of the lines.
To sum up I would say that this is not a bad poem, but it needs more information, and better punctuation - or else none at all.

Score 6/10

Maxi

[MasterWordSmith]

Summer as a Crucifix

Eliminate punctuation ;)

The dew on summer morning grass, the wind,
as well the sun has called in death to stay.
Like many years I spent in a cave, pinned
up like a crucifix as to decay


among the deepest, warmest hours. In
some ways I thought as to rely upon
the cold cut pieces of a rusty tin
that could somehow cut bindings lose at dawn.

So free my spirit from this plague when light -what plague?
shines in through the eastern rampant thicket. what is a "rampant thicket"?
Then I will be happy from this stance when night
releases its cruel harsh curse; but when? - Last two lines of this stanza are choppy and really contain no content.

So I reflect on dreams about such things
as love awakes me from these simple themes. - I am not sure I understand the purpose of these last two lines at all.

Okmy overall thoughts in no special order : it's very abstract/personal. Has some very jarring use of language. Title does not relate to poem.

Score 5/10

Ruk

For the second line - it would read so much better if you made it "the sun as well" instead of "as well the sun". It would both read as more natural english and have a better rhythm. The next line jars as it does not fit the meter well. I then progress to the next stanza and wonder if this is in some way meant to be literal - in which case - why is the narrator "pinned up like a crucifix", or, as "bindings" seems to indicate, bound up? More explanation is needed. The next stanza is alright except for its last line, which doesn't make much sense and jars again in terms of its inexplicable break with the rhyme scheme and meter. Your final rhyming couplet reads nicely but seems to have no content or meaning at all.
What I would say is that this poem is an example of why so many poets avoid using rhyme and meter. If you are going to write a shakespearean sonnet in Iambic Pentameters, then you have to spend enough time on for it to fit the rhyme scheme and meter and still make good sense. It may be simply too difficult, in which case more practice is needed. I myself am a big fan of rhyming poetry and sonnets in particular, so I give you a big thumbs-up for trying to write in this style. But next time spend longer on writing the poem. When I am writing sonnets I often spend half an hour on a single couplet, trying to get the perfect word which will both fit the meaning of the poem and the rhyme scheme.

Score: 6/10

Maxi

[azusa_the_warrior]

Moved your title down :)

Call me crazy but ready for some odd changes to be reccomended

Yet he lays their - drop the "yet" lays = lies their = there

The man drops - drop "the"

from the sky -drop "the"

he lays their - lays = lies their = there

and doesn't die - drop "and"

He looks around

and see's commotion and destruction. - change to read : "destruction sees commontion"

Buildings falling. - change falling to fall

Why is it so much corruption he says - remove this line

yet he lays thier - drop "yet" layes = lies thier = there

and doesn't die.

Ok now some pointers, use spellcheck & proper verbs. Chickens lay people lie.

Score 5/10

Ruk

All Ruk's suggestions are worth considering... however, I kinda like this poem, it has a tribal feel to me, like some kind of primitive native rhyme. As I aven't seen any of your other work, I don't know if this is deliberate and you are a skilled poet, or if it is simply because your writing skills are not advanced. Either way, the poem suffers from a complete disregard for spelling, grammar and punctuation (even though some poems benefit from this, yours does not.)

Score: 5/10

Maxi

[maximoose666]

Great poems everyone. Closed for judging :)

PM any late submissions to me and they will be included.

Myself, Pylar and Ruk will now vote on these poems and give CnC for each one. In order to judge properly we may take a little while in judging, so be patient :p

[maximoose666]

Late submission from Itsovernow. He actually sent me this yesterday, I have been slow in putting it in...

Eliminate Puncation ;)

Ashes

The blood on my hands, jet black, - drop "the" move "jet black" to the start of the line
Is the one burden, - drop "Is"
I have to bear for my sin.

Deathly still, deathly quiet,
The landscape around, - ok on these two lines I would say move "deathly quite" down to the start of the next line remove "the" and "around"
Bears a thousand open wounds.

In my mind's eye, I see life, - so cliche, be more creative
Shades of green and brown,
Abundant with sentience. - landscape is not capable of sentience

Now earth stretches out for miles, -drop "now"
The cold earth. Dead earth, - drop "the" and I would put "Dead earth" at the start
Devoid of all its spirit.

At last, I look at myself, -who is the narrator?
And see who I am.
Selfish. Foolish. Murderer.

How does "Ashes" relate to this poem?


Score 7/10

Ruk


I would not drop "is" in the second line. Indeed, as this poem is written - as far as I can see, as a cycle of Haikus, you should leave the syllables very much as they are :p I am reading through this poem, and there is little I would change, Perhaps you might want to revise "abundant with sentience" - make "sentience" into "living things" or something. Instead of "now" in the next line, I would put "Here," or even "But" to make the contrast with the narrator's minds' eye clearer. Presumably the narrator is all of mankind which would neatly explain the poem and the final stanza? Man is a foolish murderer who destroys nature? But the title, "Ashes", isn't particularly apt. The poem can drag a little, and it seems just slightly repetitive. All in all, however, it's a very good poem, and well done on using the Haiku meter so fluently.

Score: 8.5/10

Maxi