Heart

[Isis]

Alright, before you start reading the poem, just want to tell you a few things...
1)This style has never been attempted by me.
2)Im not sure whether the title suits the poem but it fits somehow.
3)It sounds rather riddle-ish but I know it doesnt work for me but I attempted and im showing it to you lot so easy on the c&c,k?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Foolish, foolish girl,
What say you?
You play your heart,
Or rather it plays you?

Up, down, up, down,
This rollercoaster ride,
left, right, left, right,
Its up to you to decide.

You live on real emotions,
You live on realistic thoughts,
You die from fake emotions,
You die from made up thoughts.

This cycle never ends,
On this rollercoaster ride,
Only slow and fast motion,
In your crazy,mixed up mind.

Forget those past mistakes,
For what is done is done,
Remember those silly moments,
For it brings out all the fun.

Foolish,foolish girl,
So what say you?
Do you move your heart,
Or does it move you?

[Kenken]

wow, interesting poem iladys, although i think it isn't quite your style, but i still liked it ^^

[yumisan]

hey...great one nee-san...i'm enjoying reading it.brings alot sense to me when i start thinking about it and yea...like Kenshin said...it's not quite your style...yet... it is still good.

[BeeCrest]

I love this one so so much iladys! The flow is good, and I'm glad to see you tried out a different style. I've been using this style lately myself. This is definately one of my favorite works that you've done, I can relate to it too.

[emmasu]

its not that i don't like it, but when i read it i felt really fool, i mean not because of reading the poem, but because of the situation, and i was saying, you donot have to remind me of that, and it reminds of one peom of mine

[MasterWordSmith]

Interesting style. When I first read it the ideas and symbolism of the roller coaster theme came across very well and organized. Here are some sugestions...

Foolish, foolish girl,
What say you?
You play your heart,
Or rather it plays you?

This is really good, easily the best stanza of your poem. One thing that everyone should avoid in their writing however, is the word "Rather" especially in the context you use it in. It disrupts from the flow and makes that last line wordy, when the idea seemed to be a streamline of emotion.

Up, down, up, down,
This rollercoaster ride,
left, right, left, right,
Its up to you to decide.

Again, you did a great job here. The roller coaster idea comes into full swing and presents it's self with perfect symbolism. One thing changeable comes to mind. The last line again, its clunky. I find it slow moving, when I read the rest of the stanza very fast. You need to keep moving with the same flow. Perhaps something like "It's up to you, decide!". For some reason that flows aloud with the stanza and the peice.

You live on real emotions,
You live on realistic thoughts,
You die from fake emotions,
You die from made up thoughts.

This is, Im my opinion, a completely useless stanza. I'm not being cruel here, but it heavily detracts from the flow and says things obviously you could very easily (and Im sure you are capible of) say in a creative way. The creativity loses it's self in this stanza.

This cycle never ends,
On this rollercoaster ride,
Only slow and fast motion,
In your crazy,mixed up mind.
Awsome, the subtle rhyming makes this stanza very fun to read, as well as almost intese. This is an exelent build to the finish (almost like a roller coaster eh?)

Forget those past mistakes,
For what is done is done,
Remember those silly moments,
For it brings out all the fun.
This is a pretty good stanza and justifys it'self nicely with flow. But somehow the rhyme scheme here seems forced. It needs to be more subtle like you previous stanzas.

Foolish,foolish girl,
So what say you?
Do you move your heart,
Or does it move you?
This is a good ending, but could use a needed readjustment. The repetition of "foolish" is unessecary in L1. Use it only once, the emphasis is meaningless in this situation because you have been explaining the "foolishness" throughout the piece anyway. Also, figure out a way to not use "you" in L2 and L4 as the ending. Figure a more clever way to rhyme it. Good using the same opening as closing with a slight tweak, didn't even knotice it on the first run through.

I liked it overall and I hope my sugestions help you, but then again, I'm just one poet. Find the opinions of others and don't just take mine.

-Word Smith

[emmasu]

@Smith: thats amazing what you said and your critic, can i send you my poems so you can criticize them too?

[Isis]

Hey smith, thanks dude. What you've said all made sense and I also appreciate the input of others. This poem was one which was impromptu and I felt like writing it so no worries about the criticism. Shall try working on it though ^_^

[blueice760]

shweet poem i dont normally like or appreciate poetry but this one is good, it rhymes and it make sense...................soooooo, nice poem!

[MasterWordSmith]

emmasu: Anytime, send me em in PM's or my email is "M4a1_Master@msn.com" I'm not so much critisizing them as I am pointing areas of improvement and lending my knowladge of writing to her.

iladys: It's good to know that you apreciate it ^^, the most important thing of writing poetry past the first draft is revision and critique. Read it aloud and look for things that don't sound right in actual english (or whatever lauguage you chose to write in). I'm glad you enjoyed my opinions and hope to read some more of what you have written, you seem quite talented. :)

oh and BTW, the style works magnificently. Trying different styles of writing is a great way to grow as a writer. Keep it up!