Poem i made for my girlfriend...

[Akiha]

Where is this pain from..?
Why does it hurt...?
How can it hurt
when i feel so numb..?

Wheres it from..?
Howd it get there..?
It seems like pain,
yet im not so sure...

I know i cant feel..
but yet i can..
I belive i dont feel..
im a monster, not a man

I dont think its pain
its white like a dove...
when i met her,
i..think i found love...


C&C please...though i made it in the last 5 min...so...and im not that good at poetry... :p:

[Ishida90]

since when did you get a g/f raven?

not bad but i think i would focus more on love for a g/f

[Akiha]

for a couple months now ishi...jsut becuase i was never a romanticist doesnt mean i cant a g/f can i...?

[Ishida90]

haha you have every right

idk i thought you told me you didnt have one once....

is she hot?? you need to send me a pic

and i also have to tell you about an interesting night i had a few days ago

[Akiha]

yes, shes hot (well to me at least)...but shes really nice looking, but that doesnt count...but i wont send a pic of her you perv... :p:

few nights ago huh..?

[Ishida90]

im not a perv!!!! lol well................................nah im not lol

yah i really cant say on a public thread its kinda bad lol but it involves a couple of girls hahahaha (it was a good night)

[Akiha]

okay, then...>.>

but back to the poem...maybe i shouldve made it longer...

but i should take your advice...make it more focused on love, but i wanted it to sound sad and horrible, but have a nice twist at the end..thats why its written like that..

[Ishida90]

yah i didnt look at it that way--

actually it depends on how ur g/f is--does she like dark storys??

[Akiha]

yes, she has quite a few interests that i like (the darker stuff)...

EX: she likes Slipknot and AFI alot..

that was the point of the poem...

[Ishida90]

well then go for it---i dont know her so i cant really judge

if you think she will like it go for it!

[Akiha]

i gave it to her before i posted it...she loved it, but she thought it was already written by someone else...

okay, now that i posted it, i keep thinking its not good enough..
any more suggestions..?

[Ishida90]

its fine--i mean she said it her self

better than i could do lol

[MasterWordSmith]

In terms of coherency and general use of english in your sentances you need a lot of work. The way you structure your work doesn't flow at all. Constant pauses and enphasis wreck the general feel of your piece. Examples:

Where is this pain from..?
Why does it hurt...?
How can it hurt
when i feel so numb..?

How can you pause on a question? I don't ask a question with the question mark after the period, or elipses for that matter.

Where is this pain from?
Why does it hurt?
How can it hurt
when i feel so numb?

This looks much less introverted and funky, that way I can actually read your stanza without squinting my eyes. ;)

Overall it's a fine poem, but the way it's written in (the english you use) could be done away with. Make the poem more coherent and I'm sure she'll like it better. :)

More things, Length is nothing. I've written poems less that 2 stanzas and won awards. The important thing is meaning and style. If you have those two things, the poem could be 2 words and be a master piece.

It's good that your girlfriend liked it, and you should edit it some more, or even write a new one for her.