Lost

[Icestorm]

Lost were the moments.
My life felt lost,
In the thick darkness
That did deceive me

Lost were parts of me
that my youth kept innocent
The coldness that enveloped
The emptiness that followed

Pulled into the fray
I was another forgotten
Another fallen off the path
Holding on by a strand from the abyss

We all lost something
Along the way
That we perhaps miss
Yet never to return

Never will I gain those back
Never will I find
The parts of me
That got lost along the way

We never gain something for nothing
I gained the light
What I lost
Is fading
Yet I lost a part of me

Never to return

[Askand]

Oh it's so great I love it IS32

:doindadom :headbang: :redbiggri

[Isis]

Hey Ice, I like this poem muchly. I love the sense of comtemplation in this poem. Great job as always ^_^

[Lex]

Amazing as always my friend. You really should start publishing!
Love it!

[yumisan]

great one icey....always full with expressing words.you always do a good job in writing poems.

[MasterWordSmith]

I like the style, and I think it's a very solid poem, but it lacks something for me, I'm not sure what. Almost like that "Masterpiece" quality isn't there. Then again, that quality isn't exactly east to coem by xD
Lost were the moments.
My life felt lost,
In the thick darkness
That did deceive me
This feels very unnatural. I feel like trying to write like a poet makes it sound less like poetry than it does ancient archaic text. Like even in the first line, I feel like it wants to be worded as "The moments were lost" as opposed to "Lost were the moments" that kind of wording is good in certain cituations, but not overall. It makes it jumbled and unnatural.
In L2 through L3 I feel they work well, the spacing between the lines flows and sounds quite nice. However, in L4 the style loses me, it sounds very mechanical, it doesnt fit with the previous lines. Remove the "did" and just use the word "Decieved" because the wordyness of the line will be cut down tremendously.
Lost were parts of me
that my youth kept innocent
The coldness that enveloped
The emptiness that followed
The first lines doesn't work well again. "Lost of were parts of me" should sound more like "Parts of me were lost" because thats how someone would say it in common place english. By rewording it it sounds unnatural. L3 is fine but watch starting lines off with the same word. It makes you look like a noobie xD, you should try and mix up the spacing to keep the stanza looking fresh to the eye, as opposed to repititious.
Pulled into the fray
I was another forgotten
Another fallen off the path
Holding on by a strand from the abyss

This stanza is in desperate need of punctuation. Without it, it doesn't really get it's point across and speaks to me as more of a run-on sentace. Try it like this and see if you like it!
Pulled into the fray
I was another forgotten;
Another fallen off the path,
Holding on by a strand from the abyss

Just by adding the Semi-colon and the comma I think that increases the clarity of your lines and words, and separates your ideas into better sentaces.
We all lost something
Along the way
That we perhaps miss
Yet never to return
This is a fine stanza, but the last lines last 2 words should read "return to" to insure a propper gramatical finish.
Never will I gain those back
Never will I find
The parts of me
That got lost along the way
This is far too repititious. It feels too clunky. I read it aloud a couple times and I think it needs to be more organic. Wording it like this is my sugestion.
Never will I gain
those back or find
The parts of me
That got lost along the way
I changed the spacing a bit to make it more pleasing to the eye but with that sugestion I think that it should be pretty good.
We never gain something for nothing
I gained the light
What I lost
Is fading
Yet I lost a part of me
I don't like this stanza very much at all. It's too jumbled up and is in dire need of punctuation. It's more of raw ideas than poetry. Use puncuation and spacing to make it more coherent.
Never to return
This is pretty much just one of those classic lines that people use a lot in poetry. Don't fit in with the croud! Using cliches often makes one's work stale and boring. Without this line the poem is a far greater work than with it!

Those are my opinions on your peace and I thank you for reading what I have to say

-Smith

edit: another sugestion on your title: titles are often the most difficult part of your piece, and are the easiest to be lazy on. Using a single word most likely means someone else has used that word as their title too! Try and describe "lost" in your title, insted of just saying it.

[Pink_Paper_Heart]

I like the style, and I think it's a very solid poem, but it lacks something for me, I'm not sure what. Almost like that "Masterpiece" quality isn't there. Then again, that quality isn't exactly east to coem by xD

This feels very unnatural. I feel like trying to write like a poet makes it sound less like poetry than it does ancient archaic text. Like even in the first line, I feel like it wants to be worded as "The moments were lost" as opposed to "Lost were the moments" that kind of wording is good in certain cituations, but not overall. It makes it jumbled and unnatural.
In L2 through L3 I feel they work well, the spacing between the lines flows and sounds quite nice. However, in L4 the style loses me, it sounds very mechanical, it doesnt fit with the previous lines. Remove the "did" and just use the word "Decieved" because the wordyness of the line will be cut down tremendously.

The first lines doesn't work well again. "Lost of were parts of me" should sound more like "Parts of me were lost" because thats how someone would say it in common place english. By rewording it it sounds unnatural. L3 is fine but watch starting lines off with the same word. It makes you look like a noobie xD, you should try and mix up the spacing to keep the stanza looking fresh to the eye, as opposed to repititious.

This stanza is in desperate need of punctuation. Without it, it doesn't really get it's point across and speaks to me as more of a run-on sentace. Try it like this and see if you like it!

Just by adding the Semi-colon and the comma I think that increases the clarity of your lines and words, and separates your ideas into better sentaces.

This is a fine stanza, but the last lines last 2 words should read "return to" to insure a propper gramatical finish.

This is far too repititious. It feels too clunky. I read it aloud a couple times and I think it needs to be more organic. Wording it like this is my sugestion.

I changed the spacing a bit to make it more pleasing to the eye but with that sugestion I think that it should be pretty good.

I don't like this stanza very much at all. It's too jumbled up and is in dire need of punctuation. It's more of raw ideas than poetry. Use puncuation and spacing to make it more coherent.

This is pretty much just one of those classic lines that people use a lot in poetry. Don't fit in with the croud! Using cliches often makes one's work stale and boring. Without this line the poem is a far greater work than with it!

Those are my opinions on your peace and I thank you for reading what I have to say

-Smith

edit: another sugestion on your title: titles are often the most difficult part of your piece, and are the easiest to be lazy on. Using a single word most likely means someone else has used that word as their title too! Try and describe "lost" in your title, insted of just saying it.


omg..u literaLLY DISSECTED THIS...HOW GEEKY.

it's ver poetry...*shivers*

[Icestorm]

Thanks for the dissection.. it helps quite alot. You described at one stage that my writing was 'raw' and thats exactly how I write, i get feelings across in a raw and straight manner.. thats how I write. I very much appriciate you spending time in improving my poem, though i do have one critical point to make with your own critics. Poetry isnt an essay, I dont write poetry for the sake of it, i make it to get my emotions across. To correct poetry.. is like saying "oh.. no, your emotions right here were pretty much incorrect, change them" im not saying that I dont like you being critical of pieces, I do appriciate it, however perhaps you should take what i said into account.

[MasterWordSmith]

omg..u literaLLY DISSECTED THIS...HOW GEEKY.

it's ver poetry...*shivers*
HEY! I resent that! Not really, I just have this thing... I like to read and talk about poetry. xD

I do suppose I understand your point of view, as well as respect it. I don't view poetry in any way shape or form as an essay either, I just feel that through clairification of ideas and different useage of wording, the idea that one wants to portray can get across in a manner more understandable to it's readers. If I posted a poem that nowon could understand, and I only knew the meaning of it, it would be a total waste of my time, ny the reader's time. I guess the reason I critique the way I do is to show a way to get the point across clearer (in my eyes). I do understand not wanting to touch your work and that is a common thing many young writers say. I belive editing and concentration of one's ideas brings about a stronger piece.

Then again, maybe you don't plan to be a famous poet one day and are simply expressing your emotions. I was not trying to, in anyway, detract from the meaning of your poem. I was giving my insight on how other people could enjoy it more, and keep that style and emotion you seem to be very good at capturing.

-Smith

[Slasher]

Pretty nice, icestorm.

Keep up the good work.

[Icestorm]

oh no, like i said, i very much appriciate the time and effort you take to look into the poem and give tips. It helps alot, i was just putting out an opinion. But i would like you to continue to look at my poetry and give tips. Btw haha im the same age as you. thanks