The Fall

[evil-overlord]

Falling over the edge, losing my mind,
Despite how much I look, my mind is something I wont find.
Always worried about perfection,
so sick of all this misconception.

Conspiracies always got me, caught in its grip,
never understood why I took that ego trip.
Theres no turning back, its a one way drop,
I wish I stayed asleep the day I fell over the top.

Falling to my death, knowing no time to look back,
its something I know that must happen because of that crack.
It slipped right by me, never realizing till the end,
this is no wound that I could mend.

[emmasu]

wow, its amazing, and i really love it, i feel the meaning of every word you have wriiten , i feel like thats me you are talking about, beside this way of wriiting is similar to mine, good job:doindadom

[evil-overlord]

thanks :D :D

[iladys]

hey there, the flow of your poem is constant and I like the imagery it portrays. The pace is a bit too fast for me for some reason but I really liked it.

[MasterWordSmith]

I thought your piece was ok. I wasn't blow away by any means. The main problem I had with it was the predictable and forced ryhme scheme. I could practically guess your next rhymes because of the way it was written. It just sounded like you were trying to hard to rhyme your piece. Also, you are missing words key to sentace structure throughout.

Falling over the edge, losing my mind,
Despite how much I look, my mind is something I wont find.
Always worried about perfection,
so sick of all this misconception.
At the end of L1 there should be a semi-colon, not a comma. This would make it so the two sentances are their own idea, insted of just one run-on. In L2 my main sugestion is somehow reducing the length. It seems wordly, and because of it's length it sticks out from the rest of the stanza, and breaks the unity of the lines. In L3-4, It's a complete sentace, but the wording isn't so hot. Simply adding "I am" or "I'm" would greatly increase this lines clarity.

Conspiracies always got me, caught in its grip,
never understood why I took that ego trip.
Theres no turning back, its a one way drop,
I wish I stayed asleep the day I fell over the top.
Line 1 seems like the comma should be an "and" insted and there should be no comma at the end, it's one sentace. Adding "I" to the begging of L2 would further clarify the subject. L3 should have a period, not a comma. In L4 you use the word "I" four times. Thats a tad bit repititious for one line.

Falling to my death, knowing no time to look back,
its something I know that must happen because of that crack.
It slipped right by me, never realizing till the end,
this is no wound that I could mend.
I don't understand the stanza in it's entirety. I could use a clarification because the subject doesn't make sense in the way that it's applyed to the meaning. Overall, I just need some claification.

Overall it's fine but really doesn't catch my eye in any real way. It could use a lot of face work and grammar//puncuation changes.

[evil-overlord]

Falling over the edge, losing my mind;
Despite how much I look, I wont find.
Always worried about perfection,
I'm so sick of this misconception.

Conspiracies always got me, caught in its grip,
I never understood why I took that ego trip.
Theres no turning back, its a one way drop,
wish I stayed asleep the day It all fell over the top.

Falling to my death, knowing no time to look back,
its something I know that must happen because of that crack.
It slipped right by me, never realizing till the end,
this is no wound that I could mend.


is this any better?
i didn't have much time 2 do it so i couldn't fix everything

[MasterWordSmith]

I feel consmetically and readably that appears much nicer to my eyes. (I'm a grammer and punctuation freak!! T_T)

[yumisan]

hey...a good one.i like it.though the poem seems to go a little bit fast but yet it is still good.like the last stanza very much.keep up the good work.

[Sanzora]

It's got an odd feel to it, like you want to savour the thoughts you're going over in your head but the pace is too fast to do that... Very nice.