Broken Record

[iladys]

Omg, haven't posted a poem in a far bit so I decided to post one up. Would like some c&c so help me out here thanks :)
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Back to where we started
Once again;
Where happiness and pain
Repeats itself like a broken record.

Lost in a decision
That lead to different paths;
Where you rise and fall
And add another chapter to life.

Rejected from those faces
Which saw only weakness:
They never gave you a chance
To prove your full potential.

Intertwined with many emotions,
Those that gave hurt and love;
That debility only illusive,
Exploited to break your frame of mind.

Will we allow such things
To breakdown our spirit?
Leave us in the shadow of choices
Which we were able to make?

Take that step forward
That leads back to where we begun;
This broken record repeating
Till this life has come and gone.

[Kenken]

wow, really nice Iladys ^^, i hope you do more soon :)

[kaede822]

nice shaz!! i like how you play with the words... *pats* very creative

[MasterWordSmith]

Exelent stuff iladys. The usual run of comments from the smith coming your way. There is some over useage of commas but I will point it out as I see em.

Back to where we started,
Once again,
Where happiness and pain,
Repeat itself like a broken record.
The wording in L1 + L2 are really good, but I feel a comma here only causes a run on sentace. Maybe a period or semi-colon would be fantastic. L3 is fine, and feels very smooth in coridantion with the line break preciding it. No comma nessecary in L3, just let it roll on to the next. L4 is good too "repeat" should be "repeats" and I am not sure of the wording. I think this may be a difference in style but something feels somewhat unnatural.

Lost in a decision,
That lead to different paths,
Where you rise and fall,
To add another chapter to life.
Maybe shorten line 1 to "Lost in decision" unless you are emphisising a singular descision. Remove the comma to add more flow. L2 should have a period not a comma either because there is no need for a flow change. It is pretty much all one sentace anyway, and feels better with no breaks. "to" in L4 doesn't feel right. Maybe "and" is my sugestion.

Rejected from those faces,
Which saw only weakness,
They never gave you a chance,
To prove your full potential.
No comma from L1, and a period after L2 would make it gramatically correct. No comma for L3. I think there is a pattern here ;)

Intertwined with many emotions,
Those that gave hurt and love,
That debility only illusive,
Exploited to break your frame of mind.
I think "hurt and love" sounds better than "love and hurt" personally. That feels more original. Like there is importance to the order. Add a period to L2. L3 and 4 are so perfect, I absolutely love em. "Exploited to break your frame of mind" sounds so devious.

Will we allow such things,
To breakdown our spirit,
Leave us in the shadow of choices,
Which we were able to make.
No comma need in L1, question mark after L2. L3 is good, L4 needs something. I'm not sure what. It doesn't feel at all like a complete line.

Take that step forward,
That leads back to where we begun,
This broken record repeating,
Till this life has come and gone.
You really don't need the comma after line1, and a period after L2. And after that you seem to be doing pretty good. L3 and 4 are great finishing lines, but I somehow feel a rhyme is nesecary.

I like the poem overall, but one of the most important things everyone should remember is that poetry is about FLOW. Flow is such a key element to writing poetry that most people forget. Adding commas and such after lines break the readers concentration, making it difficult move from line to line fluidly. You did a really good job with the writing, but some basic fixes like what I mention will do worlds for this piece.

-Smith

[iladys]

Thanks, smith! Haha, I tried without the commas but yeah, its just out of habit to put them in. Thanks for the comment,Ken! You too Kaede!!

[layla]

nice one shaz^^ i can really understand this. great last stanza

keep writing!

[MasterWordSmith]

Habits are usually a good thing to break xD

[yumisan]

ha...nee-san..your poems are always fasinating as ever.i like the third stanza.the poem is great.keep up the good work nee-san.^^

[Sanzora]

Still beautiful even after time has passed. Nice Shaz! Really stunning. The last Stanza I think is my fav ;)

[emmasu]

ok, i may sound alittle bit werid, i mean diffferent from you guys,
well, it sounds like,i do not know, i mean when you read it, you do not get anything, you undersatnd what excatly you want to say, ok, at the begining it was very clear what your poem mean, but in the middle you were kinda lost and you changed whats your purpose from this poem, i do not know thats what i think

[BeeCrest]

Rejected from those faces
Which saw only weakness:
They never gave you a chance
To prove your full potential.

<3

The flow is good, and I can relate as well. To me it just seemed easy to read and I like it. Keep writing as well, I love your work \o/