Legends Never Real

[Helikaon]

They speak of legend,
like a knights armour shining in the sun.
But it just wasnt like that,
it just wasnt fun.

The day was dark,
there was no sun.
A battle never fought,
never had to be won.

The bloodshed of the young,
I had only met this week.
Only this day i saw them,
just corpses that speak.

I dont remember the war.
Feelings I lack.
A son's promise to his parents
that he would be back.

But I gave the news,
I stole there light.
Ill never forget the pain,
that I delivered one night.

For who are the victims?
In this heartless fight.
But the people waiting at home,
with fists clenched tight.

[blueice760]

nice! .... revealing poem of who suffers the most during war

[Helikaon]

thankyou! I always appriciate comments from different people and I think this is your first comment i have received from you, if you enjoyed it be sure to in your free time check out the archives and some of my other poems.. if you like war based ones ive made some others in that list.

[Sanzora]

Nicely done Ice. Very eye-opening... It reminds me of a song I once heard about a soldier who returns from the war and is praised and all he wants to show the people is that the war has no victors and no choosers, only losers. How true...

[iladys]

Ice, finally another one of your poems. This is a great poem, and is quite true on the topic of war. I liked that you only used simple words to get the message across. Nice job!

[MasterWordSmith]

I enjoyed reading your piece (as I have with your others) and have a few sugestions. A few overall notes; I felt the rhyme scheme worked extremely well. Usually I laugh and look away when I see rhyming poetry (it's just not my thing) but I really enjoyed how the poem's theme worked with the rhymes. The only negative thing is that there were some repetitive and predictable rhymes. In stanza's 1 + 2, the "un" sound was used twice. This game me a feeling of staleness, but was still aceptable. Maybe there is something else you can use?
The rhymes were a tad predictable. Just a little. Predictablity is something that should be avoided to give readers the feeling like they are reading your work for the first time, not re-reading it.
The day was dark,
there was no sun.
why would there be a sun if it was dark? o.O

@iladys - Depends on the meaning. If he was talking about someone's light, then yes, you are correct, however, if the meaning is a shorted version of "I stole the light that was there." than he is correct in his useage. It's just more of a shakespearian wording, as opposed to a true english one.

[iladys]

Oh then tis right then. He likes his Shakespeare. And that part just got to me lol.

[Helikaon]

well this poem is actually based on the vietnam war.. in the forests of vietnam where it sometimes becomes dark due to the canopies, even when the sun is shining.

im actually thinking of adding another two stanza's in

[MasterWordSmith]

im actually thinking of adding another two stanza's in
what purpose would they serve? The poem seems quite conclusive and full as it is.

[Helikaon]

mm well actually that would be for a history assignment... but i might post the other one here..

EDIT: well here is the one that i will submit for the history.. tell me if you think it is better or not..


They speak of legend,
like a knights armour shining in the sun.
But it just wasnt like that,
it just wasnt fun.

The day was dark,
there was no sun.
A battle never fought,
never had to be won.

The bloodshed of the young,
I had only met this week.
Only this day i saw them,
just corpses that speak.

Guns still were smoking,
Sitting with sweat soaked hair.
One explosion,
and Jimmy wasnt there.

The forest was thick,
Fire filled the night.
One day left,
thank god the spot was right.

I dont remember the war.
Feelings I lack.
A son's promise to his parents
that he would be back.

But I gave the news,
I stole there light.
Ill never forget the pain,
that I delivered one night.

For who are the victims?
In this heartless fight.
But the people waiting at home,
with fists clenched tight.

[MasterWordSmith]

The one about jimmy isn't exactly revolutionary poetry. It's almost laughable, no offense. The stanza doesn't need to personalize someone (especially with a name like "jimmy") I liked it better the other way. I dunno, after reading the first and this the 2 stanzas seem tacked on.

[Helikaon]

yeah it is a bit that way.. but haha jimmy would be a nick name/ traditional australian slang for a name, it kinda goes with a more realistic part.. but those 2 new stanzas were purely for the history project, its to get a more vietnam feeling to it (thats what the new version is more about) but i agree the old one is better.. but i dont think the history teacher has that much poetry experience/ skill so he'll think its good haha