"What is it?"

[MasterWordSmith]

This poem needs some work, and Im not sure that the 2 lines stanzas with 1 lines every so often works here. I'd like some opinions.

“What is it?”

Who knows, the box was emptier
to a degree less than full.

I wondered and pondered and gaped
in amazement as it sat there.

She asked me once more,
“What is it?”

I had no clue, no perceivable
clue. As if to tell her I have no idea!

Her hand clenched like I expected and
her mind closed like I expected and

Snap!

Was the sound of her mind coming from the box.
And she communicated not through it, but through me.

I’ll ask again and expect an answer was her tone,
“What is it?”

It was more peaceful.
What a rouge, a joke, a

Meaningless

Excuse for words for space inside the
box regardless wasn’t warranted.

She wanted it! I found it but she wanted it
like I wanted her.

Death

was the smell on her hands and
emitting from the box was the same smell.

I wanted it!

It was mine like she but her husband stood behind
and hounded the life out of me,

beating his rum battered hands and wringing
my feeble neck with words until I finally

collapsed.

[Isis]

Woah, well done smith! I really like the structure and the meaning behind the poem. More! :headbang:

[Icestorm]

hmm honestly i dont like the flow, i feel the structure to be a bit clunky and difficult to read. Though i like the concept alot.

[Sanzora]

I like the concept, and it has a very interesting flow to it I'll give you that. The one-liners aren't so bad for me as the one-worders... I think the individual words in between break the flow quite a bit.

[MasterWordSmith]

hmm honestly i dont like the flow, i feel the structure to be a bit clunky and difficult to read.
*sigh* that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I really like the way it's written, but it just seems to get messed up from the way it's written. However, I think that it's feasable to leave it written like this, stanza reworking is needed. Back to the drawing board!