The lost dream

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Tears stream down my face
As I wash my eyes of the darkness
Shes drawn me far from home
The one I have always dreamed of
But I cannot accept this insanity
She says follow my path
Fly to the heavens
And unthinking I walk
Into my greatest nightmare
I try to accept my sight
I think all an illusion
And I drown in the pleasure
Ignoring my fear
They seem to be unsuspecting
But I dont feel good
In the arms of my love
The warmth is not gentle
But instead sends me screaming
Deep down in despair
Once more I calm myself
For my love is true
And I only want her
To be near to me
But as the time passes
They expect me to enjoy
And they ask the impossible
Then the illusion breaks
Shatters
And the world comes crashing down
Lost in a room of horror and death
When my greatest dream is mere feet away
I cannot be happy
And my sanity wanes

(feedback perleese)

[iladys]

Hey Katen, interesting poem you have there. I admit that for most parts, I really loved the flow but at some places, it felt a bit disrupted, like towards the end. There's a deep meaning behind that poem and I like it. Well done!

[BeeCrest]

I agree with iladys, the flow was a little iffy in some parts, but overall it is well done. The story behind is good too. Keep it up!

[Sanzora]

Nice poem. With your permission I'd actually like to show it to my brother (He might relate it to his relationship!) But I must agree... The flow seems a little offish at times...

[MasterWordSmith]

Its really not only the flow for me, it's the fact that it's one giant clump of text. It needs to be sorted out a bit. I read it, and I liked the ideas, but it just needs to be sectionalized.

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

It twas a rough draft to start out with but id been writing alot of rhyming stuff lately and so wanted to get off of that with this. I agree that the flow and structure wasnt ideal though. Anyway ill probably update with a tuned up version soon.(Im one of very few poets who has no promblem whatsoever with rewriting his poems.....and I love pointing that out lol)

Anyway Sanzora I dont mind if you show it to your brother.


EDIT:In fact here ya go. Tell me witch version you like better.

Tears stream down my face
I wash my eyes of the darkness
She’s drawn me far from home
The one I have always loved

And I want to listen and love
She tells me to follow blindly
Jump up to the moon
Fly high to the sun

Unthinking I walk with her
Into my greatest nightmare
I try to accept my sight
I rationalize my fear

I drown in all the pleasures
Ignoring my wayward mind
They seem to be so gentle
But I feel deep unease

In the arms of my love
The warmth is not so gentle
But instead sends me screaming
To a reality I cant confront

Once more I calm myself
For my love is true and just
And I only want my dream
To stand with me forever

But as the time passes by
They expect me to enjoy
And they ask me the impossible
No longer can I hide

Then the world comes crashing down
Lost in a room of death and pain
When my love is feet away
I cannot be happy

And my sanity flames and burns

[MasterWordSmith]

=) It's readable now. LOL

I don't like poems with a FORM per se, but I like them to at least be seperated into some sort of order, not one big blob.

and thats good you like to change your own poems, that is how one grows as a poet.