4th

[Ai]

Raindrops falling to the ground
Like my dreams drifting out of my life
Long ago i could look forward to the future
Now i just look back and remember

I remember the feel of the sand
And the smell of her hair
Whatever happened to love
Love that was sweet, pure and innocent

Wilting beneath the preasure of life
I smile at the load
It may be heavy but it's a burden well placed
And i am the only one who may carry it's load

[Sanzora]

Nicely written. I like it a lot ;)

[MasterWordSmith]

This is an interesting poem. I'm not 100% in love with it, but it's definately interesting.

Raindrops falling to the ground
Like my dreams drifting out of my life
Long ago i could look forward to the future
Now i just look back and remember
I like the lines themselves, but I feel no flow here. It seems like it's a stop and go system line by line. I feel since you are talking about dreams and rain and the like, some sort of continuity would be welcomed. For example, using the word "Are" between L1 and L2 would make it a more complete sentance as opposed to what appears to be two fragments. And a semi-colon after L3. I think that would keep the ideas crisp, and make reading them more smoothly.

I remember the feel of the sand
And the smell of her hair
Whatever happened to love
Love that was sweet, pure and innocent
I like this stanza a lot, minus the using "love" two times consecutively. I already know your talkikng about love, you don't need to say it twice. Doesn't really mean anything the second time, it's just repetitive and breaks the flow, especially because there is no punctuation in your piece.

Wilting beneath the preasure of life
I smile at the load
It may be heavy but it's a burden well placed
And i am the only one who may carry it's load
It's a decent closing stanza but it needs some work. The main thing that is immediately apperent to me is the usage of the word "load" two times. Perhaps the 2nd time use the word "weight" or something of that nature, otherwise it's just unneeded repitition.

Overall I think the work just needs periods and commas and the like. It would sharpen up and clearify your pauses and breaks better.

-WordSmith

[Ai]

Ill never use commas and punctuation correctly...Why bother with such restrictions is my moto...

Anyway thankz for your advice...

Next poem ill take these into consideration and act accordingly

[MasterWordSmith]

I think by not using punctuation, its more restricting than using them. Nowon is FORCING you to use them, they are just more tools to use when writing. At least, that's the way I see it. There are people who go totally over board with commas and such, and people who don't use them. I like to think of myself as being inbetween, I use them when nessecary.

Thanks for the apreciation. =)

[iladys]

Raindrops falling to the ground
Like my dreams drifting out of my life
Everyone's got their own flow I suppose and we've all got our different perspectives so it's cool to have different styles from other poets. Well done, Ai (sounds so weird calling you sandal hat haha, will get used to it), I enjoyed reading it. Beautiful imagery and the above was my favourite part. Hope to see another one soon ^_^

[yumisan]

perfectly written.i like it alot.

Raindrops falling to the ground
Like my dreams drifting out of my life
Long ago i could look forward to the future
Now i just look back and remember
I remember the feel of the sand



this stanza means alot.i like this stanza the most.it reminds me of alot of things.the words are good and simple.i like it simple.keep up the good job.^^