Iro
08-31-2006, 03:33 PM
Hi! I was planning on writing a story a year ago and I only finished one chapter of it, lol. I don't know if it is that good to read, I want your comments, anything that you say I will try to learn from them and improved my story :) Thanks!
Here's chapter one....
“The Princess of Lebolie”
Chapter One: The Assault against the King
“King Markus, the townspeople are scattered all throughout the palace gates. What shall we do?” a silvery-haired man cried anxiously. It was almost midnight; the screaming voices of the townspeople can be heard as they continued to break through the palace gates.
“My people have been deceived, Maximus. It seems that Severus have poisoned the minds of my people. I now ask for penance to our God before I leave for Eden.” The red-head man wearing a crown knelt before the other man.
“Your highness?” The king bowed his head before the priest.
“Please, Maximus, my brother. I ask of you this simple favor.” He said.
“Very well, by the power of God vested in me… I – ” The doors of the hall where being break-loose by the townspeople.
“Maximus! Get out of here I shall take care of this.” The king stood-up.
“But Sire –”
“Go! It is an order! Take my wife and my newly born son. Please give this to him.” The priest took a sapphire pendulum and bowed before the king and left through the hidden staircase behind a huge portrait.
“I will face my people.” The king said to himself as he aimed his sword towards the door. Suddenly, the door broke-free and the townspeople ran angrily towards the king.
“My people, who have betrayed me. Do not be misguided by Severus. My heir will be this kingdom’s only hope await for his return.” He pierced his sword into a man’s chest and continued to fight.
The Priest hurried into the Queen’s chambers. He saw some of the subordinates in grief. “Why are you all crying? How is her highness? Her son?” Maximus asked.
“Oh… sniff! Sniff! Her highness, Queen Elisa is dead and its not a boy… its a girl.” One of the crying servants said.
“A… girl? Give her to me as ordered by the king. Prepare the things that I will need, please haste. I will go far from this kingdom and when the time is right I will bring his rightful heir back to Lebolie.” He said. The maidens gave the newly born daughter of the king to the priest and a backpack full of goods and items.
“Please, be safe. May the Gods guide you as you journey.” The maiden said.
“Thank you. I shall go now before Severus sees the child.” Maximus left the Queens Chambers and lead himself to a secret path which led him outside the palace.
“We shall depart for Yunaris and there we shall live in peace.” He hurriedly ran passed the crowd of townspeople and went to the docks of the kingdom.
“Where are you going Maximus?” asked a creepy voice behind him. The priest slowly turns and saw a man in a black cape his pale face staring at the baby wrapped around the priest’s arms.
“Is that? Her highnesses son? I thought I finished him together with his mother. Well I guess I have to finish him here and now, oh! And that includes you Maximus. Hahaha”
“You killed the Queen?! Poisoned the minds of the townspeople?! What for Severus?!” The priest said angrily.
“So that I can have power, I will be king and I will rule all of Lebolie. Behold my power, I shall crush that infant and you at once… Imperial Darkness!” A blast of black lights aimed for the priest and the baby.
“Light of the Almighty!” The priest counter attacked Severus’ curse by emitting huge white lights which canceled both their attacks.
“You know that our power is equally strong, my pathetic little brother.” Severus said in a sarcastic tone. “That’s what you think Severus… Wings of Faith!” The priest glowed white all-over his body and his back released bright-white wings. The priest flew up high with great speed. Severus looked up high and said “Flight of Evil!” his back release huge, dark bat-like wings and flew as high to catch up with the priest.
“You’ll never get away.” Severus confirmed by releasing dark blast from his hand aiming for Maximus. The priest dodges his attacks and counter attacks Severus’ dark blast by emitting shots of white flashes.
“We need to get away from, Severus.” Maximus said to himself. Severus was still tailing the priest while emitting dark blasts. The clouds became darker.
“Give up, Maximus. Hahaha.” Severus demanded. The priest suddenly thought of a plan to escape Severus.
“Devine Holy Light!” Maximus said his body glowed pure white and all his surroundings which made the whole kingdom surrounded by this light for a minute. Severus got mad because he couldn’t see a thing but when the light stopped he saw a huge white blast aiming for him, and he got hit so hard that he fell from the sky.
“He’s still alive. I must hurry.” Maximus then continued to fly northwest of his path.
Back at the Palace Halls, the room was silent, chairs where broken and scattered, and blood was everywhere. In one corner, the king was lying cold in the ground, impaled by swords and spears; his eyes open wide facing towards the full moon. A dark figure of a woman appeared before the quiet doors, and stood in front of the king.
“Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Foolish king, easily killed by his people, hahaha. Guess I better finish the job assigned by the Dark Lord.” She emitted fire from her right hand and scattered fire everywhere in the palace halls.
“This shall mark the day that Severus, the Dark Lord will rule all of Lebolie. Hahaha.” Fire continued to spread and the woman took a short glance at the dead king’s body and suddenly vanishes into thin air.
The whole palace was in fire, the townspeople where running for their lives and from that day on darkness ruled over the kingdom of Lebolie.
- End -
Hey, I know its kindof short for a first chapter but please understand that it is just a draft. Thanks once again! :winking56
Here's chapter one....
“The Princess of Lebolie”
Chapter One: The Assault against the King
“King Markus, the townspeople are scattered all throughout the palace gates. What shall we do?” a silvery-haired man cried anxiously. It was almost midnight; the screaming voices of the townspeople can be heard as they continued to break through the palace gates.
“My people have been deceived, Maximus. It seems that Severus have poisoned the minds of my people. I now ask for penance to our God before I leave for Eden.” The red-head man wearing a crown knelt before the other man.
“Your highness?” The king bowed his head before the priest.
“Please, Maximus, my brother. I ask of you this simple favor.” He said.
“Very well, by the power of God vested in me… I – ” The doors of the hall where being break-loose by the townspeople.
“Maximus! Get out of here I shall take care of this.” The king stood-up.
“But Sire –”
“Go! It is an order! Take my wife and my newly born son. Please give this to him.” The priest took a sapphire pendulum and bowed before the king and left through the hidden staircase behind a huge portrait.
“I will face my people.” The king said to himself as he aimed his sword towards the door. Suddenly, the door broke-free and the townspeople ran angrily towards the king.
“My people, who have betrayed me. Do not be misguided by Severus. My heir will be this kingdom’s only hope await for his return.” He pierced his sword into a man’s chest and continued to fight.
The Priest hurried into the Queen’s chambers. He saw some of the subordinates in grief. “Why are you all crying? How is her highness? Her son?” Maximus asked.
“Oh… sniff! Sniff! Her highness, Queen Elisa is dead and its not a boy… its a girl.” One of the crying servants said.
“A… girl? Give her to me as ordered by the king. Prepare the things that I will need, please haste. I will go far from this kingdom and when the time is right I will bring his rightful heir back to Lebolie.” He said. The maidens gave the newly born daughter of the king to the priest and a backpack full of goods and items.
“Please, be safe. May the Gods guide you as you journey.” The maiden said.
“Thank you. I shall go now before Severus sees the child.” Maximus left the Queens Chambers and lead himself to a secret path which led him outside the palace.
“We shall depart for Yunaris and there we shall live in peace.” He hurriedly ran passed the crowd of townspeople and went to the docks of the kingdom.
“Where are you going Maximus?” asked a creepy voice behind him. The priest slowly turns and saw a man in a black cape his pale face staring at the baby wrapped around the priest’s arms.
“Is that? Her highnesses son? I thought I finished him together with his mother. Well I guess I have to finish him here and now, oh! And that includes you Maximus. Hahaha”
“You killed the Queen?! Poisoned the minds of the townspeople?! What for Severus?!” The priest said angrily.
“So that I can have power, I will be king and I will rule all of Lebolie. Behold my power, I shall crush that infant and you at once… Imperial Darkness!” A blast of black lights aimed for the priest and the baby.
“Light of the Almighty!” The priest counter attacked Severus’ curse by emitting huge white lights which canceled both their attacks.
“You know that our power is equally strong, my pathetic little brother.” Severus said in a sarcastic tone. “That’s what you think Severus… Wings of Faith!” The priest glowed white all-over his body and his back released bright-white wings. The priest flew up high with great speed. Severus looked up high and said “Flight of Evil!” his back release huge, dark bat-like wings and flew as high to catch up with the priest.
“You’ll never get away.” Severus confirmed by releasing dark blast from his hand aiming for Maximus. The priest dodges his attacks and counter attacks Severus’ dark blast by emitting shots of white flashes.
“We need to get away from, Severus.” Maximus said to himself. Severus was still tailing the priest while emitting dark blasts. The clouds became darker.
“Give up, Maximus. Hahaha.” Severus demanded. The priest suddenly thought of a plan to escape Severus.
“Devine Holy Light!” Maximus said his body glowed pure white and all his surroundings which made the whole kingdom surrounded by this light for a minute. Severus got mad because he couldn’t see a thing but when the light stopped he saw a huge white blast aiming for him, and he got hit so hard that he fell from the sky.
“He’s still alive. I must hurry.” Maximus then continued to fly northwest of his path.
Back at the Palace Halls, the room was silent, chairs where broken and scattered, and blood was everywhere. In one corner, the king was lying cold in the ground, impaled by swords and spears; his eyes open wide facing towards the full moon. A dark figure of a woman appeared before the quiet doors, and stood in front of the king.
“Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Foolish king, easily killed by his people, hahaha. Guess I better finish the job assigned by the Dark Lord.” She emitted fire from her right hand and scattered fire everywhere in the palace halls.
“This shall mark the day that Severus, the Dark Lord will rule all of Lebolie. Hahaha.” Fire continued to spread and the woman took a short glance at the dead king’s body and suddenly vanishes into thin air.
The whole palace was in fire, the townspeople where running for their lives and from that day on darkness ruled over the kingdom of Lebolie.
- End -
Hey, I know its kindof short for a first chapter but please understand that it is just a draft. Thanks once again! :winking56