Story Collaboration...

[Hattori]

I'd like to set up a collab. by some of the more elite fanfiction writers in order to encourage more writing in general as well as to establish a given standard for quality in this forum. This fanfiction will most likely take place in the Bleach world, but will involve different characters than the ones the main story revolves around. We'll probably employ some sort of POV-shift format in that everyone creates a character sketch and we discuss plot behind-the-scenes while posting IC our character's viewpoint of the events. I am looking for a minimum standard of excellence - significantly approaching professional, if at all possible.

This is a good opportunity for experienced writers to patch up on areas they aren't quite as proficient with (filler between events, description, dialogue, etc) as well as for veterans to flex their writing muscles and strut their stuff. I'll probably post the co-op at Fanfiction.net once we near completion if it's up to the standards at my account.

If you want to read, Here (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2928393/1/) is a sample of my work.

Post a character sketch here if you wish to participate. You must be involved enough with your character that you can realistically portray every facet of their personality and actions while detached enough in order to let bad things happen (mutilation, heartbreak, death) to them during the course of the plot.

Well, let's get started!

[Undying]

Hattori, I would like to participate if at all possible (you can read my current work through the link to my fanfic in my signature), however, I would like to request that you elaborate a bit more on the work. Should I be found worthy of joining, I would of course be delighted to :).

[Neve]

I am looking for a minimum standard of excellence - significantly approaching professional, if at all possible.

I very much doubt you'll find any short-story writers of quite your standard here. From the fiction I've read here, bar you, obviously, Maxi and Bee are probably the elite of CB (and Shaehl, but he's now inactive), so I suggest you recruit them. Not sure if I'd be placed in the same class as them - I'll let you decide that.

Either way, I'd quite like to participate. If I'm worthy, that is (if I'm not, I won't be offended - I know the standard you're at). I haven't written any bleach fanfics before, but I'm confident that I could. I think the only short story I've posted in this forum is this one:

http://forums.bleachportal.net/showthread.php?t=15526

Not my best but...meh...it gives an idea of my standard.

Will the writing be in first or third person?

I'll post my character here once I've been judged, and once my question has been answered.

[Hattori]

Writing will be in whatever format you desire.

Sure, you guys can join. After all, we're all in this to improve!

[MaskedDrifter]

Here is a short one for me.

There is one whod rifts upon the sands of everlasting time; in and out of existance. Wandering throughout the mortal realms to find something that most take for granted. Without a name and without a face, he wears a mask to hide his inner soul; concealing it from the world. Some know him as him....some call him monster...but we call him Drifter.

[Hattori]

Er...you realize this is probably going to take place in the Bleach world, so we're probably not going to allow random mysterious characters? You'd have to give a bit more backstory than that to qualify.

[Undying]

Thanks :). One last question before I submit my character sketch: how should I do it? What should it include?

(I would understand if you consider thse questions dumb, but I like to know exactly what am I to do in order to avoid misubderstandings and other such hassle) :).

[Hattori]

((Well, just write a comprehensive definition of your character's mental, emotional, and physical characteristics. General descriptions of features (i.e. Black hair) or specific definitions (six feet three inches tall, 79 kg) are both fine.))

[Undying]

Hm. All right then, here goes, from the top of my head:

Name: Saito Hajime/Fujita Goro (alias)/Undying (alias).

Description: Saito is a tall, well proportioned man with shoulders wide enough so that they emphesize his narrow waist. Standing at about 6feet (1.80 m), with long black hair, tied back in a high ponytail. His perfectly blue eyes, almond shaped and just wide enough for his straight nose, always have the same bored expression as though nothing is worth his effort, and he appears to lack motivation to do anything. His handsome face, slightly long and with a narrow chin, a wide forehead and a straight nose, usually have the same set and firm expression of someone who nevet lets his emotions and reasons show clearly, and yet still manage to keep a perfectly bored expression of someone who is so lazy he simply doesn't give a damn. That is, unless he's fighting or extremely motivated, in which case his face and eyes shine with what most would call a psychpathic expression, and coupled with the regular insane grin he wears during a fight, he may appear as a complete madman. He's slim built, with well defined muscles, and an obviously strong body. He weighs a surpsiring 65kg.

Psychological descritpion: persona;lity wise, Saito is a very bored man. He is extremely lazy, prefering to sleep, eat or srink rather than do anything else. If, however, something sparks his interest, or he enters a serious fight, his personality reveals a side less seen, of one who loves the feeling of adrenaline, of the exitement of staying alive through the battle. Also, when finally motivated into action, he won't stop until he sees whatever he is doing through, regardless of how low, boring, or stupid is it. His natural dislike of loudmouths, people who boast and molesters, coupled with a liking for drink, flirting with pretty women, and helping others often causes him to stray from his path for random reasons and make him late for meetings and such. His entries still manage to seem dramatic though, and his exuces best those of Hatake Kakashi.
He's naturally quiet, shutting his mouth and opening his ears, and keeping his opinion to himself unless he has a good reason to speak or something important to add to a conversation. This, along with his shyness, sometimes causes people to think him arrogant or snobby, something that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Hmmm... well, that's what I could pull from the top of my head after watching 7 episodes of Peacemaker Kurogane. If anything should be added to it, well, I'm here to get my work ripped apart and remade into a better one :).

[Hattori]

Nice job, Undying, I'll try to have a critque for you tommorow. I'm exhausted from now from posting in the RP (First Bankai!).

[Undying]

Sure, I'll be waiting :).

[Neve]

My characters tend to develop in my mind as the story I'm writing develops, but I did do some brainstorming on my character and came up with a vague sketch of her. Obviously this is just a very basic outline - if you want me to re-write it into a proper character description, I will do, but I much prefer to describe characters in context, through actions or direct speech etc. Obviously none of this is written eloquently to the best of my ability (or even at all), hence there is little point in anyone correcting that aspect of it :).

Physical Characteristics

Name: Namakura Kumiko
Gender: female
Appears young adult - 23/24
Slim
Mid-length, blonde/brown hair - tied back or loose
A little above average height
Fairly beautiful face
Dress: modest when not in shinigami robes - never anything revealing, although often subtly intended to emphasise beauty
Blue eyes
Physically fit
Strong enough to wield a zanpakutou effectively, not enough muscles to detract from outward attractiveness
Fairly long legs
Overall outward attractiveness tends towards well above average, although not beautifulPersonality

Average level of self-confidence, assertion etc.
Intelligent
Very guarded exterior - very rarely shows her emotions - that isn't to say, however, that she doesn't talk to and socialise with those around her.
Generally appears cheerful etc.
Apparently flawless - doesn't drink alcohol, eats well, takes exercise, doesn't gamble etc.
Constantly worries about what others think of her, although she herself is in denial about this
Obsessively loves ((*insert name of other character here*)) - something which, obviously, she keeps to herself
Due to constant internal emotional conflict, and hiding this from everyone, she suffers from occasional emotional outbursts, which afterwards she sorely regrets
Fighting tends to be emotionless - she will kill without hesitation if need be, although she doesn't go looking for fights
Talks to everyone - makes no specific 'friends'Bleach

Excellent 'light' kidou user - healer & offensive 'light' magic
Originally selected for 4th division - refused, without giving reasons, to join them, and ended up in the 5th division
Shikai/bankai - depends on how high powered we're supposed to be etc. - I'll add in later.History

Again, depends on the general plotline we're going for - I'll wait and see.Everyone, feel free to c/c it.

Nice character, Undying =D. I guess I'll c/c it. Feel free to reject some/all my suggestions - they're all just my personal opinions, and sorry if they seem a bit blunt. I'd wait for Hattori's suggestions before you actually change anything, too - they're likely to be better.

@ Physical Description: I'd include something about his age - that's about it.

@ Personality: I'd probably make it a little more personal - include more his actual emotions, rather than just how he appears from the outside. If he's shy, how does that make him feel - frustrated? etc. Also, there are a couple of consistency issues (if he only opens his mouth when necessary, he probably wouldn't be flirting with pretty women). From experience, I would say quiet people tend to be percieved as unfriendly or even hostile rather than arrogant. You might want to include a slightly more major flaw or strength - although it's optional, it makes for a more interesting character imo, and allows for the inclusion of more dramatic emotion. Line 6 - you might want to change 'sees' to 'finishes'.

That's it - I might be able to think of more later =D.

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Id like to join also. I havent posted any of my stories in a long time and veiw this as a great chance to start doing so again. Also Ive never written a bleach fanfic despite the fact that Ive always wanted to. Anyway, tell me if I am accepted and Ill submit a character promptly.

[MaskedDrifter]

Ok then...time for a more detailed character sketch.

Physical Characteristics:

Name: Kamen Dorifuta
Alias: Mask
Gender: Male
Age: Appears to be in his late 20
Hair:Jet black hair with bangs that cover the right side of his face.
Height: 6'2"
His face is almost entirely destoryed except for his left eye, which is blue. the rest of hsi face he hides behind a gray mask with little slits near the mouth area so he can breathe.
Clothes: He wears the typical black shinigami robes while in his shinigami form. However, he typically wears a cloak when out of sereitei.
Blue eyes
Physical body: He is scarred almost all over his chest and arms. Part of them are from hsi training, but others are a mystery even to him. He is muscular but not bulky.

Personality:

-He has a very stubborn personality, always going his own way and doing what he believes is right.
-He is a very intelligent person, but alot of times he can oblivious to what is actually going on around him.
-Does not show his emotions. In fact, he rarely spaks to those around him.
-For the few that he does care about, he is protective of them but not overly protective.
-Is a huge fan of Italian food. He is also a borderline alcoholic then tends to drink too much wine.
-He is self-confident in his abilities and he does not care about what others think of him.
-The only person he admires is his captain, Zaraki Kenpaichi. Otherwsie, he is neutral to most and he hates some.
-Is slow to anger but when he is angry, he goes beserk.
-Surprisingly, he has some emotion over those he kills. After killing, he always prays for forgiveness.

Bleach

-Is a master of Zanjutsu and has some skill with kidou, but not remarkable skill.
-4th officer of the 11th division under Ikkaku Madrame
-Shikai/Bankai: Has yet to be revealed.

History: will add later.

(please critique)

[Hattori]

Don’t expect me not to be brutal. My classmates fear me when they get me as a writing partner in class. Actually, it’s more like I project an absolute terror (field).

Name: Saito Hajime/Fujita Goro (alias)/Undying (alias).

I would appreciate if you used a fictional character instead of a historical one, but whatever.


Description: Saito is a tall, well proportioned man with shoulders wide enough so that they emphasize his narrow waist. Standing at about 6feet (1.80 m), with long black hair, tied back in a high ponytail. His perfectly blue eyes, almond shaped and just wide enough for his straight nose, always have the same bored expression as though nothing is worth his effort, and he appears to lack motivation to do anything. His handsome face, slightly long and with a narrow chin, a wide forehead and a straight nose, usually have the same set and firm expression of someone who never lets his emotions and reasons show clearly, and yet still manage to keep a perfectly bored expression of someone who is so lazy he simply doesn't give a damn.

Would change the sentence structure here. No point in making it that complex. Also, what is “perfectly” blue? Is there a shade of blue that is better than others? If so, by better do you mean purer, lighter, heavier, sharper? “Appears to lack motivation to do anything” is both awkward and redundant. Change it to “radiates apathy” or something. Handsome face usually has the same expression. Break that sentence into two: “His drooping face possesses a narrow chin, wide forehead, and straight nose, but is eternally set in a halfhearted grimace.”


That is, unless he's fighting or extremely motivated, in which case his face and eyes shine with what most would call a psychopathic expression, and coupled with the regular insane grin he wears during a fight, he may appear as a complete madman. He's slim built, with well defined muscles, and an obviously strong body. He weighs a surprising 65kg.

“That is” sounds immature. The entire sentence could be better worded to: “In situations of extreme pressure, however, his visage glows with a feral light. He is a lunatic for war.” He is slightly built, but not lacking in muscle tone, weighing a surprising 65 Kg.

Psychological description: personality wise, Saito is a very bored man. He is extremely lazy, preferring to sleep, eat or drink rather than do anything else. If, however, something sparks his interest, or he enters a serious fight, his personality reveals a side less seen, of one who loves the feeling of adrenaline, of the excitement of staying alive through the battle. Also, when finally motivated into action, he won't stop until he sees whatever he is doing through, regardless of how low, boring, or stupid is it.

I corrected your numerous spelling errors in this paragraph. Also, boredom is not a personality trait; it is an emotion. Say “In general, Saito is a bored man” or something. Remove “He is”, “Extremely lazy, he prefers food, booze, and sleep to all other pursuits” is better. Also, “If, however” is useless and only clogs the sentence. Change it to “Only when something sparks his interest, such as a serious fight, does he unsheathe his more vicious side.” Remove “Also, when finally motivated into action,” change it to “When on the prowl, Saito is absolutely relentless, impervious even to the obstructions of humiliation, boredom, and the stupidity of others.”


His natural dislike of loudmouths, people who boast and molesters, coupled with a liking for drink, flirting with pretty women, and helping others often causes him to stray from his path for random reasons and make him late for meetings and such. His entries still manage to seem dramatic though, and his exuces best those of Hatake Kakashi.
He's naturally quiet, shutting his mouth and opening his ears, and keeping his opinion to himself unless he has a good reason to speak or something important to add to a conversation. This, along with his shyness, sometimes causes people to think him arrogant or snobby, something that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Why does he flirt with pretty women? If he drinks, why isn’t he more loquacious when drunk? Who is Hatake Kakashi? If Hajime’s not arrogant or snobby, what is he?

Touch up these errors and we can move on to further developing your character.

I'll get itsover next, then Masked.

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Im not sure if I was accepted or not but I thought Id go ahead and post the character I made.

-Name: Kurokaji Kiyoshi (Roughly translated means “Black Flame of Purity”)
-Alias: Shisou (look of death; shadow of death)
-Gender: Male
-Age: 29
-Height 6”3
-Hair: The majority of his hair is pitch black, but there are streaks of white all throughout it giving it the look of a white and black fire.
-Eyes: Deep Black, but when he gets extremely angry his eyes will turn white for a short period of time; this is where his Alias originated from.

-Overall Appearance: Kiyoshi is quite slim but almost all of his body is muscle. He has a slightly angular face. His most notable feature is his eyes which are very striking and tend to draw comments. The only features worth mentioning on his body are two tiny tattoos on the back of his hands. On his left hand is the kanji http://www.uploadfile.info/uploads/1a74bc12f7.gif(Gishi: feigning death).
On his right hand is the kanji http://www.uploadfile.info/uploads/d5310d2a02.gif(Eimin: eternal sleep; death)

He wears a Shinigami’s black robes as well as a sleeveless, long, black cloak with a hood. He also wears earrings which are identical flames, except one is black and one is white. Kiyoshi tends to wear light leather boots on his feet but time and time again has been seen walking around barefoot.

-Personality:

-Kiyoshi is viewed as quite eccentric by many people and in many ways he is, he enjoys walking around barefoot, and is wearing a hood over his head quite often, but at the same time he likes to be around other people.

-Kiyoshi is also a very good listener, and it is easy to talk to him. And although he may be a man of few words, those few words tend to hold intelligence and maturity that few others can compare too.

-Kiyoshi is someone who almost never loses his composure. He is calm even in life or death situations, and the only thing that clearly shows his anger is his eyes.

-Another eccentricity of Kiyoshi’s is that once a battle has begun he will not speak to the opponent until he has wounded him. He believes that once a fight has come to blows his opponent must at least be able to wound him before he talks to them and shows compassion, and that if they cannot do that then they must die. For this reason he often times holds back in battles when he does not wish to kill his opponent, and lets them get a small wound on him before he injures them or talks them down.

-(I wanted to make his vice smoking but im not even sure if they smoke in soul society XD. Anyway so I still need to think up a vice for him)

-History: Kiyoshi was born in the 58th district of north Rukongai. Until he was 15 he lived a decent live and thought that was all he would ever do. However one day he came home and his parents were simply not there, he searched for them, but it was like they had instantly vanished from the face of the earth. He tried to keep their house but eventually was forced to sell it off to support himself. After that money ran out he formed a small band of thieves called the Kuroi Kagi Kumi (Black Flame Group). They became rather infamous for pulling off crimes that no one could connect to them, and were never caught. However in Kiyoshi’s 18th year he started to feel……..hungry, and was promptly enrolled in the Shinigami’s Academy. He passed with mediocre grades, never standing out, but never dropping too low. However when he graduated instead of enrolling in a squad, he asked to work for 2 years as a freelance Shinigami in the living world. (In other words he does the same work Rukia did except he is not confined to one town.)
During his travels he worked on his skills and met many other Shinigami on the job. When he returned from his sojourn he was faced with a dilemma. Since he was now virtually unknown he could not find a division who was willing to let him join. After a few months Kiyoshi still was not in a division and truly felt that he was wasting his talents. Then he received an unexpected visit from Unohana-taicho. She told him simply that she didn’t believe he was a fit for her division but that she would be willing to let him join and was eager to help him find a division that suited him more. Thanking luck Kiyoshi accepted and the 4th division is currently where Kiyoshi resides. He is not ranked but that is mostly because he is still looking for another squad with the help of Unohana and so doesn’t want to get too involved with the 4th.

Skills:

-He is a very good Shunpo user.

-His Kidou is only average but he is hoping to improve.

-His soul slayer in unreleased form is two twin wakizashi’s. However while most wakizashi’s are 1-2 feet, Kiyoshi’s are 2 and ½ feet long. His wakizashi’s are worn under his Shinigami’s robe with the end of the sheath being at the top of his shoulder and the hilts coming a little bit past his waist. In other words they are strapped upside down on his back inside his robe. Slits are cut into the Shinigami robe so that he can access them quickly but of course his long coat is covering those slits so many often wonder where his zanpakuto is.

-He may have shikai depending on the story.


(So long I know lol. Anyway what cha think.)

[Hattori]

“I don’t care. Now go away.”

- Shi Shun He, after being told that seventy-two women were hopelessly infatuated with him.

An immigrant to the “Golden Valley” of San Francisco, Shi and his parents were killed in one of the many Anti-Chinese riots that swept America during the late nineteenth century. His uncles and grandparents would later starve to death in the fallow fields of Weiching, penniless after the slow influx of money from the promised land was stoppered by the bricks and bullets of racist sentiment. Two years later, Congress would pass the Chinese Immigration Act, barring the doors of opportunity for the masses of the Middle Kingdom. In Rukongai, a bitter Shi matured.

“Do you know what the Chinese call America? ‘Mei Guo’- The Beautiful Nation. To us, it was opportunity embodied, a hope rising like some giant of gold from the sea. We were fools to have wasted our meager livelihoods on that phantasm, hope. It is a specter that gives nothing and consumes everything. Arrogant in our four thousand years of ossified tradition and pointless bloodshed, we failed to acknowledge the example of Icarus: when your sentiments rise too high, you can only fall. And gravity is all that keeps the world spinning.”

Average in height, weak in body, Shi entered Seireitei by merit of his wits alone, and competed poorly at the Academy – his low innate reiatsu and feeble limbs were constant obstructions to achievement in either zanjutsu or kidou, and he was scorned by the noble sons which populated class 1-A. Only his analytical mind and ruthless work ethic allowed him to graduate from the Academy at all. He was quickly accepted into Second Division, where his devious mind was put to use devising intricate stratagems and contingency plans.

Pale from a childhood spent in the wan light of Rukongai, Shi’s neatly spiked black hair complements the jet tone of his eyes. Typically dressed in white robes above his black uniform, he moves with a calculated, conscientious grace. When he speaks, his voice is cutting, and his glare radiates irritation. Shi has little patience for rudeness and even less for stupidity – the concepts he outlines are merciless in their alacrity, brilliant in their insight, and disturbing in their elegance. He speaks rarely of his family and never of his emotions.

Despite his inexorable, glacial archness, Shi endures the unrelenting attention of the SHISA (Shi is Super Awesome) organization, a fanclub dedicated to the sole purpose of entering in holy matrimony with the unapproachable Mentat. Only eighteen, he finds the prospect of tolerating another being’s presence for the remainder of eternity breathtakingly horrendous.

Insufferably proud, Shi is not above using hypocrisy, sophistry, or ad hominum attacks to win an argument, and he possesses an adamant confidence in his mastery of Calligraphy. He attempts to convince opponents to surrender before engaging in combat – useful practice for his debate skills – and never leaves his name with a foe. Anonymity, after all, is far more valuable than wretched tradition, and Hollows introduce themselves rarely.

[Undying]

*burtality*

*Shock*

*dies*

:Haha

Hey, I can actually improve on that!

I would appreciate if you used a fictional character instead of a historical one, but whatever.
Was too lazy to come up with an original character so I just used the first thing that came to mind.
Would change the sentence structure here. No point in making it that complex. Also, what is “perfectly” blue? Is there a shade of blue that is better than others? If so, by better do you mean purer, lighter, heavier, sharper? “Appears to lack motivation to do anything” is both awkward and redundant. Change it to “radiates apathy” or something. Handsome face usually has the same expression. Break that sentence into two: “His drooping face possesses a narrow chin, wide forehead, and straight nose, but is eternally set in a halfhearted grimace.”
Description: Saito is a tall, well proportioned man with shoulders wide enough so that they emphasize his narrow waist. Standing at about 6feet (1.80 m), with long black hair, tied back in a high ponytail. His perfectly blue eyes, almond shaped and just wide enough for his straight nose, always have the same bored expression as though nothing is worth his effort, and he appears to lack motivation to do anything. His handsome face, slightly long and with a narrow chin, a wide forehead and a straight nose, usually have the same set and firm expression of someone who never lets his emotions and reasons show clearly, and yet still manage to keep a perfectly bored expression of someone who is so lazy he simply doesn't give a damn.
^original
Rewritten:
Description: Saito is a tall, well proportioned man with shoulders wide enough so that they emphasize his narrow waist. Standing at about 6feet (1.80 m), with long black hair, tied back in a high ponytail. His sky-blue eyes, almond shaped and just wide enough for his straight nose, always have the same bored expression as though nothing is worth his effort. His handsome face, slightly long and with a narrow chin, a wide forehead and a straight nose, are usually stuck with the same lazy expression of not giving the slightest damn.

Rewritten parts are in blue. I hope this is better, because as much as I was expecting such brutality, it still shocks me a little... :)
“That is” sounds immature. The entire sentence could be better worded to: “In situations of extreme pressure, however, his visage glows with a feral light. He is a lunatic for war.” He is slightly built, but not lacking in muscle tone, weighing a surprising 65 Kg.
That is, unless he's fighting or extremely motivated, in which case his face and eyes shine with what most would call a psychopathic expression, and coupled with the regular insane grin he wears during a fight, he may appear as a complete madman. He's slim built, with well defined muscles, and an obviously strong body. He weighs a surprising 65kg.
^Original
Rewritten:
at times of great pressure, or at times if great exitemen, he transforms into something entirely differnt. Donning an insane grin and unshathing bloodlust great enough to satisfy a vampire, he may truly appear to be a madman. Though slim, and weghing a surpirsing 65kgs, he does not lack on muscle tone.
I corrected your numerous spelling errors in this paragraph. Also, boredom is not a personality trait; it is an emotion. Say “In general, Saito is a bored man” or something. Remove “He is”, “Extremely lazy, he prefers food, booze, and sleep to all other pursuits” is better. Also, “If, however” is useless and only clogs the sentence. Change it to “Only when something sparks his interest, such as a serious fight, does he unsheathe his more vicious side.” Remove “Also, when finally motivated into action,” change it to “When on the prowl, Saito is absolutely relentless, impervious even to the obstructions of humiliation, boredom, and the stupidity of others.”
Regarding spelling errors, I usually have a lot of them (English being my 3rd language, I think it's a surprise that I am even able to write with only this much of 'em!), so I use the Word Grammar and Spelling Check when writing. I didn't use it this time because I was too lazy.

Original:
Psychological description: personality wise, Saito is a very bored man. He is extremely lazy, preferring to sleep, eat or drink rather than do anything else. If, however, something sparks his interest, or he enters a serious fight, his personality reveals a side less seen, of one who loves the feeling of adrenaline, of the excitement of staying alive through the battle. Also, when finally motivated into action, he won't stop until he sees whatever he is doing through, regardless of how low, boring, or stupid is it.
Rewritten:
Psychological description: generally, Saito is an extremely bored man.. Extremely lazy, he favours booze, food, or sleep on any other activity. But, should something spark his interest, such as a serious fight, he unveils viciousness and bloodlust like none other. When finally deciding to do something, Saito is absolutely relentless, impervious even to the obstructions of humiliation, boredom, and the stupidity of others.
Why does he flirt with pretty women? If he drinks, why isn’t he more loquacious when drunk? Who is Hatake Kakashi? If Hajime’s not arrogant or snobby, what is he?
Original:
His natural dislike of loudmouths, people who boast and molesters, coupled with a liking for drink, flirting with pretty women, and helping others often causes him to stray from his path for random reasons and make him late for meetings and such. His entries still manage to seem dramatic though, and his exuces best those of Hatake Kakashi.
He's naturally quiet, shutting his mouth and opening his ears, and keeping his opinion to himself unless he has a good reason to speak or something important to add to a conversation. This, along with his shyness, sometimes causes people to think him arrogant or snobby, something that couldn't be farther from the truth.
Rewritten:
His natural dislike of loudmouths, people who boast and molesters, coupled with a liking for drink, flirting with pretty women, (for no better reason than the fun of the chase and the short break of boredom (*note)), and helping others often causes him to stray from his path for random reasons and make him late for meetings and such. His entries still manage to seem dramatic though, and his exuces manage to leave the listener gaping in awe at their randomness.He's naturally quiet, shutting his mouth and opening his ears, and keeping his opinion to himself unless he has a good reason to speak or something important to add to a conversation. This, along with his shyness, sometimes causes people to think him arrogant or snobby, something that couldn't be farther from the truth, because Saito is actually friendly and social.

*Note: I completely forgot how to say correctly that the boredom elevates because of his chasing of women (have I just said it correctly? *wonders*), so I worte it that way. I think you would know to write it correctly, so do tell.


@ION: there can be such a person that noramlly shuts his mouth and speaks only when he elects to, but still flirts with women. I'm one. :winking56

[Hattori]

Cool, I'll have the re-edits tommorow. ION, are you going to write a bio?

[Neve]

Born into a noble family in England, 1143, my childhood was little more than suffering and neglect. Under the anarchy created by Stephen, my father was always away fighting against the King, while my mother worried constantly about him, and about our own safety, which was under perpetual threat from the surrounding nobles and their armies. When my father was captured, she retired to her chambers, refusing to speak or eat, withering away to death.

The coming of the new King, Henry II, heralded the release and return of my father at last. Having never known him other than in the glorious stories related by my late mother, I expected him to be no less than patient and caring, bold and chivalrous, and in all respects perfect. Suffice to say that I could not have been more wrong. Even as I tried to relate to him my endless tales of pain and worry, I was shouted down, and even struck by the man I had believed to be my release from unhappiness, and who seemed to love nothing more than the alcohol which he was constantly forcing down his throat.

It was only as I threw myself from the battlements of our 'great' castle, built by my anscestors and maintained by my father, that I realised that wonderful feeling granted by a completely independant act, and relished the release it brought.

It was unfortunate, however, that death was not the painless release I had pictured it to be - I was thrust, once again, into a land of war and pain - Rukongai. Regardless, I was determined that this time, I would not allow others to gain the emotional power over me that became my nemisis, and the cause of my eventual demise, in my previous life.

Upon entering the shinigami, my talents immediately became apparent - the uncommon talent of healing, and the rare talent of harming others with the recovery magic I possess. I refused, however, to enter the 4th division, applying instead for the fifth division, where the offensive abilities of the spirit force that flowed my veins was put to practical use in the dispatch and purification of the tormented hollow.

[Hattori]

Oh, btw guys, feel free to critique each other and me - we're all here, after all, to improve.

[Undying]

How can I critique you when I am nowhere near your level?

[Hattori]

*Shrug* Just making a suggestion. Anyway, you can critique ION or Katen - all our bios could use some revision. Then we can begin to plan plot details.

[MaskedDrifter]

Can someone please critique mine?

[Neve]

*Agrees with Hattori*

We should all critique each other, or at least give our opinions on their storylines, regardless of level. I know I'm not good enough to give proper critique, but I might as well share my opinions.

Firstly, just as a general comment, not sure how this is going to work out, but I think it's the case that all of us so far either don't show our emotions, or don't speak very much...

@ Masked - not very much to critique until you write it up into prose. Just to say that I'm not sure what Hattori's got planned for the setting, but I presume it'll be in a parallel SS - otherwise we'll be limited by the canon. If this is the case, it would be difficult for you to look up to Zaraki Kenpachi, as he wouldn't exist :D.

@ Katen - again, you might want to avoid using the canon characters as part of your storyline. Also, I'd check it over for gramatical errors - there do seem to be quite a lot of them (especially lack of commas), and a few spelling errors. About the zanpakutou - I'm pretty sure it's not possible to have a split zanpakutou in unreleased form, but whatever, I suppose it doesn't matter.

@ Hattori - There really isn't anything I could say to improve it. I did try - I even went as far as looking up the dates of the various historical events you mentioned to see if I could fault you there, but alas, I had no success. Sorry :(.

[Undying]

Which is exactly why I decided not to bother commenting on Hattori's work until after I improve :).

All right then, I'll critique (or at least share my opinions of) the others, but you must critique me as well (please take into consideration the rewrites I made after Hattori's brutality attack )

Masked:
Name: Kamen Dorifuta
Alias: Mask
Gender: Male
Age: Appears to be in his late 20
Hair:Jet black hair with bangs that cover the right side of his face.
Height: 6'2"
His face is almost entirely destoryed except for his left eye, which is blue. the rest of hsi face he hides behind a gray mask with little slits near the mouth area so he can breathe.
Clothes: He wears the typical black shinigami robes while in his shinigami form. However, he typically wears a cloak when out of sereitei.
Blue eyes
Physical body: He is scarred almost all over his chest and arms. Part of them are from hsi training, but others are a mystery even to him. He is muscular but not bulky.
You wrote "blue eyes", but since this is a form-like character sketch, you shoud've added a "eye color" or "eyes" before it.

Also I would've written "physical appearance and not "physical body" since we may get confused with the switching between spiritual state (Shinigami form) and human mode (Gigai). I would also rewrite the descripton:

Original is in blue, rewritten is in green:
He is scarred almost all over his chest and arms, and though some of his those scars are a result of his training, most are a mistery even to him. He is muscular but not bulky

Personality:

-He has a very stubborn personality, always going his own way and doing what he believes is right.
-He is a very intelligent person, but alot of times he can oblivious to what is actually going on around him.
-Does not show his emotions. In fact, he rarely spaks to those around him.
-For the few that he does care about, he is protective of them but not overly protective.
-Is a huge fan of Italian food. He is also a borderline alcoholic then tends to drink too much wine.
-He is self-confident in his abilities and he does not care about what others think of him.
-The only person he admires is his captain, Zaraki Kenpaichi. Otherwsie, he is neutral to most and he hates some.
-Is slow to anger but when he is angry, he goes beserk.
-Surprisingly, he has some emotion over those he kills. After killing, he always prays for forgiveness.

Bleach

-Is a master of Zanjutsu and has some skill with kidou, but not remarkable skill.
-4th officer of the 11th division under Ikkaku Madrame
-Shikai/Bankai: Has yet to be revealed.
Nyah. Generally I prefer the prose descriptions, but form description allow for little critique, so they're good too :).

Katen:
-Name: Kurokaji Kiyoshi (Roughly translated means “Black Flame of Purity”)
-Alias: Shisou (look of death; shadow of death)
-Gender: Male
-Age: 29
-Height 6”3
-Hair: The majority of his hair is pitch black, but there are streaks of white all throughout it giving it the look of a white and black fire.
-Eyes: Deep Black, but when he gets extremely angry his eyes will turn white for a short period of time; this is where his Alias originated from.
I'd change the above into "when extremely angry, his pupils vanish, leaving only pools of white to stare at the opponent". "Gets angry" clogs the sentence, IMO.
-Overall Appearance: Kiyoshi is quite slim but almost all of his body is muscle.
That needs changing into something like "Though slim, Kyoshi is very muscular, with almost no fat at all.
He has a slightly angular face. His most notable feature is his eyes which are very striking and tend to draw comments. The only features worth mentioning on his body are two tiny tattoos on the back of his hands.
"His face slightly angular and rather plain, his most noteable feature are his striking eyes. They tend to draw the attention and comments of those who look into them." sounds better, IMHO :p.
On his left hand is the kanji http://www.uploadfile.info/uploads/1a74bc12f7.gif(Gishi: feigning death).
On his right hand is the kanji http://www.uploadfile.info/uploads/d5310d2a02.gif(Eimin: eternal sleep; death)

He wears a Shinigami’s black robes as well as a sleeveless, long, black cloak with a hood. He also wears earrings which are identical flames, except one is black and one is white. Kiyoshi tends to wear light leather boots on his feet but time and time again has been seen walking around barefoot.

-Personality:

-Kiyoshi is viewed as quite eccentric by many people and in many ways he is, he enjoys walking around barefoot, and is wearing a hood over his head quite often, but at the same time he likes to be around other people.
Change the "he is enjoys walking almost barefoot, and is wearing a hood over his head quite often" into "he enjoys walking barefoot with his hood covering his face".
-Kiyoshi is also a very good listener, and it is easy to talk to him. And although he may be a man of few words, those few words tend to hold intelligence and maturity that few others can compare too.
Remove the "others" from the "few others". Just "few can compare to" is good enough.
-Kiyoshi is someone who almost never loses his composure. He is calm even in life or death situations, and the only thing that clearly shows his anger is his eyes.
"Are his eyes", not "is".
-Another eccentricity of Kiyoshi’s is that once a battle has begun he will not speak to the opponent until they give him a wound. He believes that once a fight has come to blows, his opponent must at least be able to wound him before he talks to them, and when he does, he will always try to show compassion, since he prefers avoiding the death of his opponent. Yet, if he cannot stop the fight, his opponent shall not leave the field alive unless Kiyoshi has fallen. For this reason he often (no need for the "times" here)holds back in battles when he does not wish to kill his opponent, and allows them to give him a small wound before he injures them or talks them down.

-(I wanted to make his vice smoking but im not even sure if they smoke in soul society XD. Anyway so I still need to think up a vice for him)
They smoke. Their version of a smoking pipe is long stemmed and thin. The tabac is molded into a small ball before sticking it into the head and lighting it (ah, how good it is too read Samurai Deeper Kyo and see him smoke all the time lol).

-History: Kiyoshi was born in the 58th district of north Rukongai. Until he was 15 he lived a decent live and thought that was all he would ever do. However one day he came home and his parents were simply not there, he searched for them, but it was like they had instantly vanished from the face of the earth. He tried to keep their house but eventually was forced to sell it off to support himself. After that money ran out he formed a small band of thieves called the Kuroi Kagi Kumi (Black Flame Group). They became rather infamous for pulling off crimes that no one could connect to them, and were never caught. However in Kiyoshi’s 18th year he started to feel……..hungry, and was promptly enrolled in the Shinigami’s Academy. He passed with mediocre grades, never standing out, but never dropping too low. However when he graduated instead of enrolling in a squad, he asked to work for 2 years as a freelance Shinigami in the living world. (In other words he does the same work Rukia did except he is not confined to one town.)
During his travels he worked on his skills and met many other Shinigami on the job. When he returned from his sojourn he was faced with a dilemma. Since he was now virtually unknown he could not find a division who was willing to let him join. After a few months Kiyoshi still was not in a division and truly felt that he was wasting his talents. Then he received an unexpected visit from Unohana-taicho. She told him simply that she didn’t believe he was a fit for her division but that she would be willing to let him join and was eager to help him find a division that suited him more. Thanking luck Kiyoshi accepted and the 4th division is currently where Kiyoshi resides. He is not ranked but that is mostly because he is still looking for another squad with the help of Unohana and so doesn’t want to get too involved with the 4th.

Skills:

-He is a very good Shunpo user.

-His Kidou is only average but he is hoping to improve.

-His soul slayer in unreleased form is two twin wakizashi’s. However while most wakizashi’s are 1-2 feet, Kiyoshi’s are 2 and ½ feet long. His wakizashi’s are worn under his Shinigami’s robe with the end of the sheath being at the top of his shoulder and the hilts coming a little bit past his waist. In other words they are strapped upside down on his back inside his robe. Slits are cut into the Shinigami robe so that he can access them quickly but of course his long coat is covering those slits so many often wonder where his zanpakuto is.

-He may have shikai depending on the story.
It is so long I will simply die if I was to comment all of it. But I ded most, and I think the main problem is a large amount of grammar and spelling errors.

Eh, well... the best I could pull right now. I'm falling asleep. :)

[Hattori]

*Agrees with Hattori*
@ Hattori - There really isn't anything I could say to improve it. I did try - I even went as far as looking up the dates of the various historical events you mentioned to see if I could fault you there, but alas, I had no success. Sorry :(.

Phooey. Alright, if anyone wants to be subjected to an utter massacre, I'm avaliable (kinda). I make no guarantees for the survival or sanity of your personal self-esteem.

[MaskedDrifter]

Ok Hattori...massacre away please.

[Undying]

@Hattori: massacare away. I'm insane as it is. And I'm also 'Undying', and so is my self esteem.

[Hattori]

Name: Kamen Dorifuta
Alias: Mask
Gender: Male
Age: Appears to be in his late 20
Hair:Jet black hair with bangs that cover the right side of his face.
Height: 6'2"
His face is almost entirely destoryed except for his left eye, which is blue. the rest of hsi face he hides behind a gray mask with little slits near the mouth area so he can breathe.

First off, "Mask?" Seriously now. And of what nationality is the name Kamen Dorifuta? Are you attempting to create a distinctive character or are you just too lazy to picture a face? How can one gauge age if one can't see his face?


Clothes: He wears the typical black shinigami robes while in his shinigami form. However, he typically wears a cloak when out of sereitei.
Blue eyes
Physical body: He is scarred almost all over his chest and arms. Part of them are from hsi training, but others are a mystery even to him. He is muscular but not bulky.

What color is the cloak? Consistency? Why does he wear a cloak? You have numerous grammatical (capitalization and subject agreement) problems and the "scarred all over" thing is kinda cliche. And is every single Shinigami muscular, but not bulky? I've read that description at least seventy times.


Personality:

-He has a very stubborn personality, always going his own way and doing what he believes is right.
-He is a very intelligent person, but alot of times he can oblivious to what is actually going on around him.
-Does not show his emotions. In fact, he rarely spaks to those around him.
-For the few that he does care about, he is protective of them but not overly protective.
-Is a huge fan of Italian food. He is also a borderline alcoholic then tends to drink too much wine.
-He is self-confident in his abilities and he does not care about what others think of him.
-The only person he admires is his captain, Zaraki Kenpaichi. Otherwsie, he is neutral to most and he hates some.
-Is slow to anger but when he is angry, he goes beserk.
-Surprisingly, he has some emotion over those he kills. After killing, he always prays for forgiveness.

Seems pretty generic here. Most of your distinguishing traits are anime cliches - always does what he is right, etc. Wouldn't a guy whose face was obliterated by acid (or whatever) be more bitter about life? If not, why? If so, show it. Wouldn't he put less stock in appearance and have dealt with the revulsion of his peers? How would that change his character? Why would he anger slowly if he'd been tormented because of his looks? If he wasn't, why wasn't he? You fail to consider the impact of your physical appearance on your mental characteristics. Form defines function at many levels. I do, however, like the Italian food thing. You should flesh out why he likes it and enumerate his favorite dishes as well.


Bleach

-Is a master of Zanjutsu and has some skill with kidou, but not remarkable skill.
-4th officer of the 11th division under Ikkaku Madrame
-Shikai/Bankai: Has yet to be revealed

Say "possesses unremarkable skill with Kidou " (or Demon Magic, it sounds more flavorful).

Madarme Ikkaku doesn't exist.

What's with the "Bleach" thing? This could have gone in your normal profile.

[MaskedDrifter]

First off, "Mask?" Seriously now. And of what nationality is the name Kamen Dorifuta? Are you attempting to create a distinctive character or are you just too lazy to picture a face? How can one gauge age if one can't see his face?
What color is the cloak? Consistency? Why does he wear a cloak? You have numerous grammatical (capitalization and subject agreement) problems and the "scarred all over" thing is kinda cliche. And is every single Shinigami muscular, but not bulky? I've read that description at least seventy times.
Seems pretty generic here. Most of your distinguishing traits are anime cliches - always does what he is right, etc. Wouldn't a guy whose face was obliterated by acid (or whatever) be more bitter about life? If not, why? If so, show it. Wouldn't he put less stock in appearance and have dealt with the revulsion of his peers? How would that change his character? Why would he anger slowly if he'd been tormented because of his looks? If he wasn't, why wasn't he? You fail to consider the impact of your physical appearance on your mental characteristics. Form defines function at many levels. I do, however, like the Italian food thing. You should flesh out why he likes it and enumerate his favorite dishes as well.
Say "possesses unremarkable skill with Kidou " (or Demon Magic, it sounds more flavorful).
Madarme Ikkaku doesn't exist.
What's with the "Bleach" thing? This could have gone in your normal profile.

Ok now...

Kamen Dorifuta is japanese. The name itself is japanese for Hidden wanderer (or Masked Drifter). He is called mask simply because, he wears the mask...nuff said on that. I am not too lazy to picture a face on them, it is just one of the things about him. He is not bitter about life as you think he might be. He does not know exactly why he has the scars. Up to a certain point in his past, he has no recollection. This is how it went for him:

The last thing he remembers is when he was a kid (of exact age unknown but I'd have to say 10). He woke up and he saw that there were flames and smoke surrounding him. It appeared that the house around him was blazing. His face was burning and giving him a searing pain. But he notcied something. In the smoke, he could see a figure standing over him with a sword in hand. The figure, seeming not to take notice of him, left him there and never appeared again.
With the pain from the burns overcoming his will, he ran out as fast as he could, increasing the burns to his overall body. He did get out of the hosue but fell unconscious in the front of it. When he woke up soemtime later, he looked behind him and saw the house that he had been in completely destoryed. (the reason nobody was around at the time to see it and the reason that nobody gathered is due to the fact that it is on the outskirts of the worst district in Rukongai...80th if I rmember right). Anywho, he goes down to a nearby stream to wash himself when he realizes something wrong. For some reason, he can't open his right eye. When he looks down into the water he realizes with water why. It has been seared shut from the burns and his entire face (except for his left eye) has been severely disfigured.

Back to why he is not bitter. He is only concerned with finding out who he is and what his identity is. He wants to know his purpose in life basically. He does not concern himself with having feelings towards other, good or bad. The angering slowly thing demonstartes that...in the fact that he just ignores most. The only ones he has any feelings to are those who get in the way of his quest. (which would mean he hates them)

He has scars all over ost of his body due to training. After the time at the stream, he knew exactly what he wanted but realized that he was a weak and fragile boy. He could never get anywhere on his own. So he trained for years, getting stronger. To toughen his skin (and sometimes as punishment for his failures) he inflicted wounds and pain upon his own body. He's sort of a masochist.

Now the guaging age thing...there are ways you can tell. One indicator, but not a big one, is his voice. Voice changes with age. His sounds like a man's voice..but not the voice of an older man. In essence he would be between his mid 20s and early 30s.

The italian food thing...he has a choice amount of dishes that he prefers. His aboslute favorite is Ziti made with sweet potato sauce and spiced with parmesan, regano, and monzerella cheese. However, he does like other pasta like lasagna and gemelis.

If this is truly a parallel world form Bleach then you're right, Ikkaku does not exist. So consider that gone.

One last thing. The praying that I briefly entioned, he does feel remorse if not empathy for his victims. He feels sorry for them because their lives have come to an end. He knows what it feels to not have a life (he considers having a life as having an identity).

I think i addressed all fo the discrepanices and basic crap i had in my thing. Is there are any problems?

[Joe Black]

Well, in order to become a better writer, I feel that it would be a privilege to be critiqued by others in my character design, which isn’t exactly my strong suit, hehe.

By all means, DESTROY or turn down anything that is either flawed or irrelevant. It is my opinion as a writer (however n00bish I am), being critiqued honestly is the greatest gift anyone can give. Enjoy :musak:

Oh, and Club Bleach Z is the work I’ve done so far. o.O (You may also rate my story if you so please.)

Physical Characteristics

Name: Ishiyama, Kenshin (modest truth)

Gender: Male

Age: Appears to be in his late 20’s.

Hair: “Fire red” hair, in a humble hair style, combed down over his eyes as to not draw attention to himself.

Height: 5’8, although his average height is slightly smaller, as it is his head is always titled downward in respect to other people. (basically, a simple mental habit)

Dress: Chooses not to wear Shinigami robes, as he believes they form the image of hostility. Instead, he wears a large white lab coat, which covers most of his body, including a neckpiece that covers half of his face, and long sleeves which completely covers his arms. This displays his interest with science, as to benefit the human populous. Under the lab coat, he wears simple white leggings, as well as a simple bead necklace given by a child when she was in his care, but died.

He believes that armor only hinders his performance and maneuverability to assist civilians and his allies in battle.

Face: As he covers half of his face, not much is identifiable. However, what we do know is that he has a pale white skin tone, and a brutal scar that he wishes to hide from the world. He does not wear glasses, but contacts as to not fulfill a social stereotype.

Eyes: At certain times, you can see his eyes when he lifts up his face to make eye contact. They are a subtle shade of green, and he looks at you in such a way, that you cannot help but wonder, how one man can have so much passion burning inside him.

Body: Is not at all a physical specimen in any means, but trains his mind heartily in the same matter that a warrior would train his body.

Personality

- As his appearance portrays, he is a humble soul who only wishes to help those in need, and not to promote self-image.

- Intelligent, but leans toward the ‘mad scientist’ view of the world. Primarily, this means that he constantly tests the laws of science, in order to promote positive change in the field. An example to this is his passion for more effective defense technology.

- In the heat of battle, he never interests himself with his own status, but to his allies and to battle casualties. In this way, it’s considered to be foolish, but this is his idea of strength, not weakness.

- In emotionally stressful times, like an ally dying, or a civilian dying under his care, he lets loose his emotions in unhealthy doses. This can lead to uncontrollable sobbing, or even acts of extreme rage, leaving him vulnerable to enemy attack. He wishes that he could be like an android in nature, to suppress his feelings.

- Generally likes to socialize with other people and enjoys their company. Although he himself, he doesn’t yet have enough self-confidence to pass the ‘trust barrier’, such as friendly group outings or dating, although he’s deeply in love with a female in the group. Overall however, he is generally cheerful with those around him.

- Doesn’t splurge on earthy things such as alcohol. He feels it’s more important to continue his studies, and increase his effectiveness.

- He doesn’t concern himself with what others think of him. As long as he benefits society, he has no other care in the world.

- Does all he can to avoid any hostile confrontation, but implements self defense if necessary, especially when someone is in danger.

- His ideology is socialist in nature, as he tries so hard to emphasize to others the importance of equality. He feels this way so much; rumor has it that for every person or creature he harms, a tear sheds from his eye.

‘Powers’

He is a brilliant strategist, which would make him a natural leader if it wasn’t for his extreme modesty.

Due to his relation with science, he doesn’t learn under the study of magic. Instead, he attempts to develop ways to counter magic using technology, such as new weaponry or his prototype (not completed or fully tested) design of the Chi Energy EMP, designed to render any user unable to cast Kidou spells in a half mile radius.

As well, due to his nature, he tends to be on the back lines of battle, acting primarily as a medic. In an extreme sense, he would unwittingly sacrifice his life for another if he had the chance.

Although not a ‘tank’ in combat, he is an effective combatant with the knowledge of the human body, and slow advancement in ‘hand to hand’ combat. Through his extensive knowledge, he attempts to only immobilize his opponent, rather than kill. His weapons of choice include hidden extendable knives in his sleeves, non-lethal injections, smoke and sleep bombs. What is completely against his regular character however is that he carries a hammer, which is used in his times of extreme rage. (Law of Infinite Space)

History

[will get back to this section, if you are interested with this character.]

[Hattori]

Ok now...
Kamen Dorifuta is japanese. The name itself is japanese for Hidden wanderer (or Masked Drifter). He is called mask simply because, he wears the mask...nuff said on that. I am not too lazy to picture a face on them, it is just one of the things about him. He is not bitter about life as you think he might be. He does not know exactly why he has the scars. Up to a certain point in his past, he has no recollection. This is how it went for him:
The last thing he remembers is when he was a kid (of exact age unknown but I'd have to say 10). He woke up and he saw that there were flames and smoke surrounding him. It appeared that the house around him was blazing. His face was burning and giving him a searing pain. But he notcied something. In the smoke, he could see a figure standing over him with a sword in hand. The figure, seeming not to take notice of him, left him there and never appeared again.
With the pain from the burns overcoming his will, he ran out as fast as he could, increasing the burns to his overall body.

Ok, amnesia. *Sigh* I really wish this would be utilized less, as people tend to abuse it and it's really been overdone, but it's your thing.


He did get out of the hosue but fell unconscious in the front of it. When he woke up soemtime later, he looked behind him and saw the house that he had been in completely destoryed. (the reason nobody was around at the time to see it and the reason that nobody gathered is due to the fact that it is on the outskirts of the worst district in Rukongai...80th if I rmember right). Anywho, he goes down to a nearby stream to wash himself when he realizes something wrong. For some reason, he can't open his right eye. When he looks down into the water he realizes with water why. It has been seared shut from the burns and his entire face (except for his left eye) has been severely disfigured.

Tense changing. Also, 80th District is a hell without habitations - 79th provides no shelter, the worse "homes" are in 78th. Also, if he had fire-level burns on himself, contact with water would have been intolerably painful for a few days, at least.


Back to why he is not bitter. He is only concerned with finding out who he is and what his identity is. He wants to know his purpose in life basically. He does not concern himself with having feelings towards other, good or bad. The angering slowly thing demonstartes that...in the fact that he just ignores most. The only ones he has any feelings to are those who get in the way of his quest. (which would mean he hates them)

Again, this is really kind of cliche. How many anime characters do we know with a single-minded devotion to ? It would really help your character stand out more if you avoided this kind of thing. Not everything needs to have undergone trauma at a young age to be interesting. Also, to be able to ignore emotion completely, one would require massive self-discipline, far more than you've indicated in your character. Denying the human chemical impulse is much more difficult than pop culture would have us believe.


He has scars all over ost of his body due to training. After the time at the stream, he knew exactly what he wanted but realized that he was a weak and fragile boy. He could never get anywhere on his own. So he trained for years, getting stronger. To toughen his skin (and sometimes as punishment for his failures) he inflicted wounds and pain upon his own body. He's sort of a masochist.
Now the guaging age thing...there are ways you can tell. One indicator, but not a big one, is his voice. Voice changes with age. His sounds like a man's voice..but not the voice of an older man. In essence he would be between his mid 20s and early 30s.

The fact that you've justified his appearance makes it no less cliche. Also, scarring doesn't toughen up the skin, calluses do - scarring creates scar tissue, which is actually far more flawed than the epidermis.


The italian food thing...he has a choice amount of dishes that he prefers. His aboslute favorite is Ziti made with sweet potato sauce and spiced with parmesan, regano, and monzerella cheese. However, he does like other pasta like lasagna and gemelis.

Ok, cool.


If this is truly a parallel world form Bleach then you're right, Ikkaku does not exist. So consider that gone.
One last thing. The praying that I briefly entioned, he does feel remorse if not empathy for his victims. He feels sorry for them because their lives have come to an end. He knows what it feels to not have a life (he considers having a life as having an identity).
I think i addressed all fo the discrepanices and basic crap i had in my thing. Is there are any problems?

[B]Are there any problems, not is. You've got to work on your grammar and spelling. Run these through Word before you post, and try to be conscientious about your plot decisions. If it sounds like you've heard it before, it probably sucks.

@Joe_Black: Nice character, I'll get to you tommorow.
@Undying: You're next in line after Joe.

[MaskedDrifter]

Ok then..I'll try and update it then tomorrow. By the way, just as a little info..I partially modelled him after myself...(and other parts from the past).

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

(Ok modified mine by using undying's review and also did a bunch of work on the history section. Btw Hatori I wouldnt mind a review of mine either, in fact I'd welcome it.)


-Name: Kurokaji Kiyoshi (Roughly translated means “Black Flame of Purity”)
-Alias: Shisou (look of death; shadow of death)
-Gender: Male
-Age: 29
-Height 6”3
-Hair: The majority of his hair is pitch black, but there are streaks of white all throughout it giving it the look of a white and black fire.
-Eyes: Deep Black, but when extremely angry, his pupils vanish, leaving only pools of white to stare at the opponent.

-Overall Appearance: Though slim, Kiyoshi is very muscular, with almost no fat at all. His face slightly angular and rather plain, his most notable feature is his striking eyes. They tend to draw the attention and comments of those who look into them. The only features worth mentioning on his body are two tiny tattoos on the back of his hands. On his left hand is the kanji (Gishi: feigning death).
On his right hand is the kanji (Eimin: eternal sleep; death)

He wears a Shinigami’s black robes as well as a sleeveless, long, black cloak with a hood. He also wears earrings which are identical flames, except one is black and one is white. Kiyoshi tends to wear light leather boots on his feet but time and time again has been seen walking around barefoot.

-Personality:

-Kiyoshi is viewed as quite eccentric by many people and in many ways he is, he enjoys walking barefoot with his hood covering his face, but at the same time he likes to be around other people.

-Kiyoshi is also a very good listener, and it is easy to talk to him. And although he may be a man of few words, those few words tend to hold intelligence and maturity that few can compare too.

-Kiyoshi is someone who almost never loses his composure. He is calm even in life or death situations, and the only thing that clearly shows his anger are his eyes.

-Another eccentricity of Kiyoshi’s is that once a battle has begun he will not speak to the opponent until they give him a wound. He believes that once a fight has come to blows, his opponent must at least be able to wound him before he talks to them, and when he does, he will always try to show compassion, since he prefers avoiding the death of his opponent. Yet, if he cannot stop the fight, his opponent shall not leave the field alive unless Kiyoshi has fallen. For this reason he often holds back in battles when he does not wish to kill his opponent, and allows them to give him a small wound before he injures them or talks them down.

- Yet another characteristic that makes Kiyoshi stand out is the fact that he is a prodigious smoker. It is very rare to see him without his long, thin pipe extending from his mouth. On occasion he has even been known to forget about the pipe and leave it in his mouth while fighting.

-History:
Kiyoshi was born in the 58th district of north Rukongai. Until he was 15 he lived a decent, normal, everyday life and he thought that was all he would ever do. However one day he returned home after a long walk and his parents were simply not there, he searched for them, but it was like they had instantaneously vanished from the face of the earth. The next few months were a hard time, working odd jobs Kiyoshi attempted to keep the house he grew up in, but was eventually forced to sell it off in order to keep off the streets. After that he moved to a small apartment in the 66th district and for a time all was well. Unfortunately Kiyoshi was not to live a simple life. While working one of his jobs his apartment was completely destroyed by a fire. Along with it went Kiyoshi’s entire savings. He remembered that day especially because while standing in front of the cold, gray ashes of his once rudimentary apartment a little man walked up to him. He offered him a pipe and told him to let go of his worries. Kiyoshi did just that and hasn’t stopped since. Cast out on the street he began to live off what he could take from others, and eventually along with 2 other unlucky souls he formed a small band of thieves called the Kuroi Kagi Kumi (Black Flame Group). They became rather infamous for pulling off crimes that no one could connect them to, and a few years later they were one of North Rukongai’s most legendary groups. However in Kiyoshi’s 18th year he started to feel……..hungry, and was promptly enrolled in the Shinigami’s Academy. He passed with mediocre grades, never standing out, but never dropping too low. Late in his second year he heard news about his old thief group, they’d finally been captured, caught red-handed in the act. Kiyoshi simply said “May they rest in peace” and blew out a cloud of pipe smoke. When he graduated instead of enrolling in a squad, he asked to work for 2 years as a freelance Shinigami in the living world. (In other words he does the same work Rukia did except he is not confined to one town.) He hoped for some time alone and a chance to get to know himself better. He received those things, but he also came into possession of a few things he didn’t expect. He found out, contrary to what he had believed that he was truly unhappy without the company of other people. After that he began to seek out Shinigami who were in the human world. In the course of his travels he met many interesting people and found opportunity after opportunity to hone his skills. When he returned from his sojourn he was faced with a dilemma. Since he was now virtually unknown he could not find a division who was willing to let him join. After a few months Kiyoshi was still not in a division and truly felt that he was wasting his talents. Then he received an unexpected visit from Unohana-taicho. She told him simply that she didn’t believe he was a fit for her division but that she would be willing to let him join and was eager to help him find a division that suited him more. Thanking luck Kiyoshi accepted and the 4th division is currently where Kiyoshi resides. He is not ranked but that is simply because he is still looking for another squad with the help of Unohana and so doesn’t want to get too involved with the 4th.

Skills:

-He is a very good Shunpo user.

-His Kidou is only average but he is hoping to improve.

-His soul slayer in unreleased form is two twin wakizashi’s. However while most wakizashi’s are 1-2 feet, Kiyoshi’s are 2 and ½ feet long. His wakizashi’s are worn under his Shinigami’s robe with the end of the sheath being at the top of his shoulder and the hilts coming a little bit past his waist. In other words they are strapped upside down on his back inside his robe. Slits are cut into the Shinigami robe so that he can access them quickly but of course his long coat is covering those slits so many often wonder where his zanpakuto is.

-He may have shikai depending on the story.

[Undying]

@Katen: well, I don't think me reviwing this would do any further good, we'll have to wait for Hattori's comments.

@Hattori: I can hardly wait :).

[Hattori]

Name: Ishiyama, Kenshin (modest truth)

Gender: Male

Age: Appears to be in his late 20’s.

Hair: “Fire red” hair, in a humble hair style, combed down over his eyes as to not draw attention to himself.

The similarities to a Kenshin of a different name are obvious; I personally don’t like basing characters off other anime characters but, it’s your thing.


Height: 5’8, although his average height is slightly smaller, as it is his head is always titled downward in respect to other people. (basically, a simple mental habit)

Dress: Chooses not to wear Shinigami robes, as he believes they form the image of hostility. Instead, he wears a large white lab coat, which covers most of his body, including a neckpiece that covers half of his face, and long sleeves which completely covers his arms. This displays his interest with science, as to benefit the human populous. Under the lab coat, he wears simple white leggings, as well as a simple bead necklace given by a child when she was in his care, but died.

I hope he doesn’t wear just a lab coat and white leggings. Also, why do black robes indicate hostility? You need to flesh this part out more. “This displays…as to benefit the [human populous” sounds pompous and awkward. You might as well delete it, it’s not really telling us anything we don’t already know or can figure out from the biography. Also, what do you mean by leggings? How are they different from hakama or other pants?


He believes that armor only hinders his performance and maneuverability to assist civilians and his allies in battle.

Do you know any Shinigami who wear armor? What’s the point of this sentence? An aversion to armor is non-unique.


Face: As he covers half of his face, not much is identifiable. However, what we do know is that he has a pale white skin tone, and a brutal scar that he wishes to hide from the world. He does not wear glasses, but contacts as to not fulfill a social stereotype.

Don’t use “we” in the biography if you’re speaking from third person. Again, similarities to Himura are pretty obvious, and deformity rates on the faces of anime characters are remarkably high relative to their real-world counterparts. How many people do you really know with massive, disfiguring scars?


Eyes: At certain times, you can see his eyes when he lifts up his face to make eye contact. They are a subtle shade of green, and he looks at you in such a way, that you cannot help but wonder, how one man can have so much passion burning inside him.

Again, shifting POV here, you shouldn’t use second person in a third person biography. I thought he avoided eye contact? You need to change your sentence to display a greater nuance in meaning – “when he lifts up his face to make eye contact” is unnecessarily verbose and redundant, considering you just told us that we would be able to see his eyes. How can a shade of green be “subtle?” Do you mean light green, dark green, forest green, emerald green? Is it the coloration that is shaded or are his eyes themselves shaded? And the passion thing is kinda cliché, I would change that if I were you.


Body: Is not at all a physical specimen in any means, but trains his mind heartily in the same matter that a warrior would train his body.

Training his mind wouldn’t fall under “body,” would it? Unless you mean he exercises his cranium by doing push-ups on his skull, this would fit better in his personality section. Also, “heartily” is a useless modifier. Either remove the “same manner…his body” or that word.


Personality

- As his appearance portrays, he is a humble soul who only wishes to help those in need, and not to promote self-image.

- Intelligent, but leans toward the ‘mad scientist’ view of the world. Primarily, this means that he constantly tests the laws of science, in order to promote positive change in the field. An example to this is his passion for more effective defense technology.

- In the heat of battle, he never interests himself with his own status, but to his allies and to battle casualties. In this way, it’s considered to be foolish, but this is his idea of strength, not weakness.

- In emotionally stressful times, like an ally dying, or a civilian dying under his care, he lets loose his emotions in unhealthy doses. This can lead to uncontrollable sobbing, or even acts of extreme rage, leaving him vulnerable to enemy attack. He wishes that he could be like an android in nature, to suppress his feelings.

I understand what you’re saying with the first sentence but it would be better phrased as: “He is a humble soul who only wishes to help those in need.” The other stuff is extraneous and doesn’t really contribute to his sentence, and the part at front is redundant.

You can’t “test” a ‘law’ of science – the laws are supposed to be immutable, that’s why there are so many theories. “in order…the field” doesn’t quite fit with the ‘mad scientist’ paradigm, I think you should modify or delete that part of the preceding sentence. Also, I believe it could be worded better.

Change “In this way…not weakness” to “Others consider it foolish, but selflessness is his idea of strength.” The way you have is phrased is amateurish.

I think you would be better situated with a character that is uncomfortable with his own perceived failure to protect others rather than a character who goes berserk in “emotionally stressful times” (btw, that needs to be better phrased). After all, that seems more what you’re shooting for, and that’s what Kenshin (the rurouni) is. Also, “like an android in nature” is redundant. Change to “he wishes he were unemotional, like an android” or “he wishes he could better suppress his emotions.” There’s nothing wrong with simplicity.


- Generally likes to socialize with other people and enjoys their company. Although he himself, he doesn’t yet have enough self-confidence to pass the ‘trust barrier’, such as friendly group outings or dating, although he’s deeply in love with a female in the group. Overall however, he is generally cheerful with those around him.

- Doesn’t splurge on earthy things such as alcohol. He feels it’s more important to continue his studies, and increase his effectiveness.

- He doesn’t concern himself with what others think of him. As long as he benefits society, he has no other care in the world.

- Does all he can to avoid any hostile confrontation, but implements self defense if necessary, especially when someone is in danger.

- His ideology is socialist in nature, as he tries so hard to emphasize to others the importance of equality. He feels this way so much; rumor has it that for every person or creature he harms, a tear sheds from his eye.

Sounds more utilitarian than socialist, though some of his views would be considered stupid in the utilitarian philosophy. “Implements” self defense makes him sound like a robot. Also, your last point needs major rephrasing. Just say “He is a fervent socialist who constantly attempts to advance his ideals. Such is his empathy for all living beings that he cries for his fallen enemies.” The equality thing is kind of pointless, as it is implied by socialism.


‘Powers’

He is a brilliant strategist, which would make him a natural leader if it wasn’t for his extreme modesty.

Due to his relation with science, he doesn’t learn under the study of magic. Instead, he attempts to develop ways to counter magic using technology, such as new weaponry or his prototype (not completed or fully tested) design of the Chi Energy EMP, designed to render any user unable to cast Kidou spells in a half mile radius.

As well, due to his nature, he tends to be on the back lines of battle, acting primarily as a medic. In an extreme sense, he would unwittingly sacrifice his life for another if he had the chance.

Although not a ‘tank’ in combat, he is an effective combatant with the knowledge of the human body, and slow advancement in ‘hand to hand’ combat. Through his extensive knowledge, he attempts to only immobilize his opponent, rather than kill. His weapons of choice include hidden extendable knives in his sleeves, non-lethal injections, smoke and sleep bombs. What is completely against his regular character however is that he carries a hammer, which is used in his times of extreme rage.

Change the first sentence to “His brilliant grasp of strategy would qualify him as a natural leader if he weren’t so modest.”

“Doesn’t learn under the study of magic” is uselessly verbose. Change to “Doesn’t study magic.”

You need to work on cutting unnecessary verbiage from your writing and generally cleaning up your phrasing. Other than that, a well-realized character.

Guys, I've figured out the plot. Since all our characters are recalcitrant speakers or possess major issues, we can be in a support group (like the Shinigami Women's Association) that our friends (or, in my character's case 'friends') "encouraged" (forced) us to join in order to improve our social abilities. Unfortunately, _____ happens and we are all forced to _______ in order to save SS.

[Neve]

I like the plot idea a lot =D. That could be fairly amusing :p.

Ah well...

/me waits for the brutal critique of Hattori

[Undying]

I agree with the plot, to an extent. "Saving Soul Society" is kinda cliche, don't you think? I mean, half the anime in the world go "let's save the ******* world!!!!", and it's getting annoying lately. I suggest a plot where we (the main characters with a lot of weird issues), are forced to protect not Soul Society, but Soul Society's ideals (as in, we don't give a flying **** about Soul Society itself. It really fits with Shi and Saito, I gotta say). For example, an extrimist (spelling? I hate this word) group of Shinigami wants to change what's going on in it because of _______ and we, who believe in something different, are going to stop them by any means necessary.

Bleh...

[Hattori]

Oh, that was a joke.

[Undying]

You... lack sense of humour... ~_~...

[Hattori]

Well, that's one way to admit you were pwnt.

[Undying]

I? Pwnt? Psh. As if you could ever pwn me, Shi. Meh, you're not worth it, I'm off to drink some sake... eh wait, that girl there has the biggest bosom I've ever seen... hey, onee-tan...

[Hattori]

And there's another.

[Undying]

*waves hand at Hattori* shoo, shoo, you're disturbing my sleep.

[Askand]

*Bows Respectfully* Hi Hattori I sent you my charachter profile a couple of days ago. Uh, did you by any chance got time to review it?
Let me know please.

[Hattori]

Yeah, sorry I wasn't able to get to you sooner. Post it here?

@Undying: And another.

[Askand]

I sent it to you thru pm. You got it by any chance?

[Hattori]

Sorry, I had to clear out my PM box because too many RPers were asking me questions.

[Askand]

Okay I have to search for it and I think I erase the pm I sent you, so it means I have to go back again. *sighs* I will work on it just give me sometme to set something here

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

*Katen wonders if his shall ever be reviewed to an extent that satisfies and exites him*.......wow im bored. Anyway Id love a review. I think the storyline(if it isnt a joke) is pretty cool, though im not sure my character would exactly fit into such a group. (I mean sure he doesnt talk much but hes still a people person.) Also I think baseing a storyline off of the Shoinigami's Women Society would be pretty sad. lol

[Hattori]

Well, you should have asked sooner, I still have to do Undying and ION. But don't worry, you can only delay the inevitable. *Sigh* Sheesh, you guys just aren't mean enough.

[Askand]

Plots for the collaboration?
Well how about making a group to fight an unknown thread against soul society? Yeah it's cliche but if you add that this group is so disfunctional that they need to work in their abilities of team work and etc. So they could deal with the thread? I know but that'sa the best I can come up with now

[Undying]

@Hattori: why do you keep on repeating that you've been pwnt? :p ok ok, I've been pwnt.

@Katen: I'm giong to review your now. I'll edit the post after I'm done. And I'll be mean, I promise.

[Hattori]

@Undying: -_- Yay! And...yay!

Ugh, really wish I could help you guys, but I've got a project due tommrow...