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ill_manner
10-05-2006, 04:01 PM
This is a novel im currently working on its only so much of the story but if you got time give it a read and some feed back :) - enjoy




“A man stands alone, even amongst his allies he is responsible for his own actions, and he creates his own means and his own ends, he alone controls his own destiny and his fate”
That’s something I was told along time ago, the saying is true for so many of us, but I as they say was the exception to the rule. I was born to a time of war, a time of heroes some of them deserving, some of them not so, if our actions make us true to a cause, I and the others I spent my life with were heroes, and I alone shall tell their tale.


CHAPTER 1


In my youth I spent many an hour watching the snow fall to the lush fields and woodland that surrounded my home, Isaac’s hill as it was called, but only to the barbarian tribe that inhabited it. Our settlement was nearly 200 years old, a long time in the history of the Blackwolf but short in comparison with our brother tribes, the Great Bear and the Frostclaw to our north and the Stonespear to the west had lived on their ancestral lands for centuries. Unlike them our lands were taken from us, our people routed and slaughtered because of the strategically positioned hills surrounding it. The great city of Argent took these lands from us and built forts, to stop their hated enemy the nation of Kale from crossing into their borders. Much has changed since those days but the burning hate felt by my people against that city has not vanished with time, and it is at this time the story begins…….

Breathing deeply allowing the cold mountain air to flow into his lungs, head slowly turning giving his eyes the chance to take in everything in from his surroundings as though witnessing these lands for the last time, his hand clasped all the tighter on his bear fur cloak, as the snow began to fall harder, the barbarians long dark hair were now speckled with cotton like flakes. He looked to the distance and could see the smoke of the campfires rising towards the clouds, hefting his hunting spear to settle on his shoulder and with a heavy sigh he dredged on through the white blanket that now covered his home land.

The wooden gates were closed, as they always were and as he young man approached two broad and heavily armed tribesmen stepped towards him
“Well met Kalal, how goes the hunting?”
Kalal lifted a brace of hare’s, the fruits of his hunting expedition
“A fine catch my young chief, Vamar! Open the gates”
Kalal with a nod continued through as the two doors opened like hands separating after prayer. The smell of cooking fires and roasted meats caught his attention and made his stomach rumble a reminder that he had not eaten this day, the ringing of hammers on metal echoed through the settlement as the smiths went about their daily work crafting swords and other battle gear. An elderly man stepped out from under the deerskin doorway of one of the smithy’s. A worn and old hand axe in hand as with the confidence of years of fighting prowess the grey haired man strode towards the young barbarian
“Kal my boy! I see the hunting goes well, how do you fare?”
They met together and Kalal gave a bear like embrace to his grand father who did the same
“the hunting goes well grandfather, and I feel sad this day and I do not know why”
The old man smiled, wrinkles appearing showing his true age but not denying a still handsome face shared by his grandson.
“Well I hear your new father’s wife has had her servants prepare a whole family of boars for your brothers acclimation tonight, maybe that will put a smile on your face with a good meal and a good bit of ale in your belly m’lad”
Kalal had always loved his grandfather, more so than his father if the truth be known, it was him who had raised him, he who taught him to fight, and who better to teach a man how to fight than a old warchief who had seen more years of war than peace, but unlike so many of his generation Venar had not become world weary, had not his lust for life and still stood watch with the young guards men at night.
“aye ill be there, although I will try to slip away when the opportunity arises, I cant stomach the false tales of how Vellor’s son the mighty Galil thrashed those Argent soldiers” Venar chuckled
“We both know who won that day m’lad, but we best not be over heard chattering, I will see you tonight, oh and one other thing” Kalal looked to Venar “Do show him some respect, he is your brother and soon to be chieftain of this tribe after all”
Kalal nodded, not agreeing to anything, they were half- brothers but Galil treated Kalal like a dog and even showing up at his day of celebration was hard enough for the young barbarian, but he would respect his grand father’s wishes.

Later that eve Kalal dressed in his finest wolf fur and bear skin boots strode towards the chieftains hall in the centre of the village, handing his sword to the chieftains guards, the only men permitted to carry weapons inside the hall, he found his seat amongst his father, the tribes champion Azore and his fathers new wife Lassil . Galil was stood in the centre of the hall adorned with the white furs of the chieftain vestments, and holding but only just, the great sword Talenvuur, the icon of the chieftain amongst the Blackwolf tribe.
“Your late Kalal, and what excuse have you got this time? What was so important that you could not be at your brothers Acclimation?” Lassil snickered.
Kalal turned to his questioner
“I was feeding my hounds; they had been alone for the better part of this day and were hungry, that is why I was late”
Kalal’s father Vellor met eye’s with his son.
“ He is so much like his mother, Lassil continued , he has no idea of what is more important in life, and wastes his time and others attending to the needs of beasts, which I caught her doing more than once and not just feeding”
the young barbarian enraged by his fathers wife’s comments leaned in close to Lassil’s ear and whispered
“If you speak of my mother in that way again, I will spill your guts and let my hounds feed on them so that I may not waste time feeding them in he future”
Over heard by his father Vellor struck his son hard around the ear
“Get out of my sight boy, your insolence disgusts me, you will sit with the animals you are so intent on feeding, you will watch the ceremony from outside”
Kalal turned from his father and walked out of the hall. He smirked to himself it was easier to get out than he thought. He sat alone outside and still hungry listening to the shaman inside praising Galil and his father, and giving thanks to Varrenhur for blessing the ceremony. His grand father came outside the hall
“What did you do this time m’lad?”
Kalal laughed “That whore spoke of my mother again, I swear one day I’ll cut her venomous tongue out of that ugly head of her’s, who does she think she is, she is a consort nothing but”
Venar frowned “your father grows tired of her boy, but I’m afraid she’ll be around longer than I, you should learn to accept that as she has your father in her bed she has his ear as well, don’t let her get to you m’lad, here I brought you this”
Venar handed his grandson a plate of pork and a horn of ale “Get those into you, I hear your on guard tonight, no doubt another punishment for you”
Kalal downed the ale “If they call this a punishment, ill welcome their worst, has the fool been acclaimed yet?” The old man sat down beside Kalal “ Aye, soon he will govern the tribe, but don’t worry Kal, he fears you to much to make u even more of an enemy, ill stand guard with you tonight and bring you some more food”.


The snow had only just stopped falling when Kalal went to report to the guard sentry’s
“Oh here he is now, Kalal is that you?”
Kalal stepped onto the wooden ramparts and removed the hood that had hidden his visage
“Aye Azore, where do you want me?”
Azore the tribes champion stood taller than any man Kalal had ever seen, a juggernaut of muscle compared to most but a gentle giant to those he knew, yet in battle he seemed to be enraged with the fury of the hells, he had saved the life of Galil many a time and in every time had had allowed the young next in line to take the credit for the men he had left bloodied and beaten.
“You’re with me tonight lad your grand father is also waiting for you on the north gate, lets away”
The pair walked along the path that lad to the northern gate where Avarn awaited. Stepping into the ramshackle guard’s quarters that provided the men a meager cover from the elements outside but still allowing them access to the gates and a good view point of the ground it occupied, Kalal was confused to see his grandfather with a troubled look upon his face.
“Kalal come and sit there is much I need to discuss this night”
The young barbarian knew something was amiss, his grandfather had never shown his troubles to others. The small fire in the centre cracked as one of the logs broke under the heat of the flames.
“Kalal, your father is very troubled by your manner and the way you act, myself I see no fault in you but I look upon you with eyes blinded by a grandfathers love, I need to know if anyone has talked to you about your brother’s right to this tribe?”
Kalal unsure why this conversation had come around replied “I’ve spoken to little few besides your self and this big oaf here”
Nodding at Azore, which the big man found amusing, Sighing deeply the old man moved his chair closer “Kalal, he has no right to be chieftain, and nor does your father”
The words seemed to echo inside Kalal’s thoughts just what was his grandfather saying.
“I am going to tell you this now, and it is to be never discussed with anyone do you understand me m’lad?”
Kalal simply nodded, the fire crackled again as if prompting Venar to speak
“How can I tell you this? I’ve been meaning to for the past ten years but with your father and brother and…..”
“Kalal you by right should be chieftain” Azore butted in “Your brother has no claim and neither does your father”
The young barbarian was unsure what to make of the news, how could he have right of claim over his brother? Over his father?
“What do you mean?”
Azore nodded at the troubled looking Venar, reaching behind to a small cow hide bag that was behind the old man he produced a scroll
“This m’lad is contains words of a prophecy, it is said to be written by the first priest of our god the blessed great wolf Varrenhur, the words are long and are written in the old language taught to the shamans of our tribes, it speaks of a child born with the mark of the great wolf, and he will unite the tribes under his banner, the child is said to lead the army’s of our kin against our greatest enemy, and the reclaiming of our lands”
Venar took his eyes from Kalal and stared hard into the fire
“All that has happened has been part of this prophecy, the loss of our ancestral lands, the slaughter of our people, the struggle we face daily against our hated foes, and the birth of you Kalal”
Head spinning from all he had heard the young barbarian refused to believe what he’d just been told
“No, your wrong, im not the one, I’m no great leader, and where’s this mark you speak of? You are mistaken grandfather”
Venar smirked “Kalal the mark is on your back, how could you ever have seen it there? The whole tribe knows you have it my boy, but your father never permitted anyone to speak of it, he believes you just a whelp, and Galil should take his place after his time, but your brother is weak, he hasn’t the respect of the tribe you know this, and we cannot let him come to power this is why I tell you now”
Kalal shook his head “What am I to do? How can this be…?”
Azore took his axe from off his shoulders and angled it to show Kalal his back “Remove your shirt Kal”
the young barbarian did as he was told and saw clearly the image reflected on the polished axe head, a strange mark of a wolf head in tribal design between his shoulders,
“How I have I had this my whole life and not known, what can I do, I don’t want this”
Venar put his hand on his grandson’s shoulders “Tonight we leave Isaac hills, and head for the Temple ruins of Varrenhur, ill give you time to gather what you need, but be fast m’lad we mustn’t be seen, Azore is staying behind to allow us out without being stopped”
The champion turned to walk and then made to face Kalal “Safe journey my chieftain, I’ve left you a gift in your quarters, and I await your safe return” And with that Azore saluted Kalal and went through the door.

The young barbarian raced to his home, as it was night most of the village were asleep and he wasn’t seen, as he opened his door, he saw candle’s lit beside his bed and on his bed rolls was placed a sword. It shone with a slight greenish hue, and was from the design an old weapon, but the markings down the blade the ornate cross guard decorated with two eagle heads facing away from each other and the talon on the pommel showed the sword was an expensive and finely crafted gift. With no time to admire his present and quickly snatching it up with the last of his meal he’d left he moved out of the door. Passing the guarded gates and looking up to Azore who was waiting, after the big man nodded at Kalal he moved out of the wooden palisade gates to where Venar sat on a horse, holding the reigns of another, the young barbarian mounted and the pair rode of down the snow covered hillside, the sound of the horses hooves beating into the ground was drowned out by the sound of Azore shouting of a false attack on the southern gate. Kalal felt the ice cold wind blowing on his face passing through his wolf fur clothing, knowing not were they were going and with the anxiety of his situation weighing heavy on his mind he pushed the horse on harder.

After setting up camp for the night and fastening the horses to a near by tree, Venar and his grandson sat by the fire.
“Kalal, I have something else of which I must tell you, I will warn you now you will be surprised and it is as hard for me to tell you this as it is for you to know”
Kalal braced himself for the bad news
“Your mother Kal”
Venar’s face showed great sadness and tears could be seen shining from the firelight
“She wanted to tell you about your birthright, and because of that your father, the bastard had her murdered, she didn’t die of the fever she had , it wasn’t even fatal , I. did all I could but your father had already done it, I was threatened, if I ever told you I would be given the same fate, but I knew that if I did not tell you then you would never be told so to the memory of your mother I am making sure she did not die in vain m’lad, please know this I did all I could… Venar stopped over come with grief and Kalal was equally upset but was over come with anger
“I will slaughter that bastard! He is no father of mine, I’m going to tear him apart!”
Thumping the ground and eventually collapsing into tears beside his grandfather
“You did all you could grandfather, but I want to go back and confront him now, I will have his heart!” Venar looked to his enraged grandson
“ No m’lad you cannot go back until we have been to the temple, people must see that you are the one the prophecy speaks of, and then we will have our revenge”
Kalal wiped his tears and in a tone spoken through gritted teeth” I swear by my mothers soul, I will take the tribe and I will sacrifice my father in her name, he will suffer until he will beg to die and I will not grant him peace”
Venar looked to his grandson “Your father was evil from a small child m’lad and your brother share’s this, this is why he must not be allowed to become chieftain”
A sound of approaching horses startled the pair, Kalal drew his sword and unbuckled his shield from his horse’s saddlebags. Venar axe in hand stood battle pose was as ready as Kalal for the fight. The moon gave away the first of the horsemen reflecting of his drawn sword, Kalal knew who they were before he saw them fully Argent soldiers, luckily only 4 of them but still the numbers did not favor the pair, the first to the camp and wasn’t ready for the fiery embers flicked from Kalal’s sword that struck him in the eyes, as the man toppled over the back the horse the second trampled over his fallen comrade hooves breaking his kneecaps ribcage and jaw, he dropped straight out of his saddle and lunged at Kalal the closet of the two, his first swing was easily blocked by Kalal’s shield sending the sword arm out wide opening the spot for Kalal’s swift hack down cutting through the mail and deep into the soldiers arm, a swift reverse as the of the wrist brought the blade across the mans throat spilling his blood onto his green tunic, Kalal stepped over the dead man who was still twitching from his quick death, and held his shield ready to block the next incoming opponent, Venar dispatched his attacker with a quick swipe which at first missed the intended target but dug his axe blade deep into the mans shoulders and punched out with his freehand, the man now on the floor being held in place by Venar’s foot , he then ripped his axe out of the mans shoulder and before the mans screams of pain left his mouth drove it straight back down in the mans chest with such force that it scraped the soldiers spine. Kalal and his grandfather side by side went to meet the last man who had trailed behind and watched his group fall easily to the two barbarians, he quickly turned his horse and galloped in the direction he came from, the two realizing he would return to the garrison and that would bring even more soldiers to them quickly mounted and gave chase, the snow caused the erratic movements of the rider to make the horse slip and fall pinning the soldier underneath, Kalal first to dismount came over the man was terrified and so he should have been sensing his imminent death. But he helped ease the horse of the man and so did his grandfather
“Don’t kill me! Please I beg you” the soldier screamed “You should know to expect no quarter from us, but you will have a chance to defend yourself, take it!”
Kalal handed the man his weapon which was still strapped to the now crippled horse, the soldier shaking and limping from his injuries sustained from the fall and the weight of the horse tried to circle Kalal, Venar stood and let the fight happen with no involvement, With a quick singular move Kalal knocked the sword from the soldiers hand with his shield and thrust his own blade into the mans chest removing it fast and ending the mans pain in an instant “Kal we must go before the bodies are found”.


It seemed as though the road would never end, and for some time they were tracked by other Argent soldiers. Keeping the distance as they moved further into the wilderness they were no longer followed. The snow had fallen heavy the past day and the pair we’re weary and cold but they pressed onward through woodlands, and into the valley were the temple was now after hundreds of years without inhabitants now lay in ruins.
“Here we are m’lad the Temple Varrendurath, this is were I leave you, see those gates”
Venar pointed to a stone arch way with iron gates rusted but still standing
“It says in the scroll you will find your destiny or your death there, go with Varrenhur’s blessing my lad I wish I could follow but I cannot, leave your weapons with me they will not be needed”
Kalal drew his sword and passed it over to his grandfather along with his shield
“Remember Kalal you have my belief and that of the tribes you go with my love m’lad, respect the ways of our people and that will serve you well”
Kalal with a heavy heart unsure of what awaited him moved towards the gates. He turned to his grandfather “I will see you soon grandfather”
Venar nodded and smiled. Kalal tore the cobwebs and the dead spiders that remained on them away and after dusting his hands he pushed them open. The Air inside the temple was damp and fetid, the stonework along the walls was carved with depictions of the birth of Varrenhur amongst the hills, and the forming of the tribes and his eventual death causing the separation of the tribe elders founding each of their lands, dotted along the hall way were braziers with torches some still lit by some unknown means, if this didn’t bother Kalal enough the sound of shuffling ahead of him certainly did. He walked through cautious but steady wishing he had his sword at least for comfort of knowing he could protect himself, although he did not feel helpless his belief in the prophecy spurred him on. The tunnel ended and opened up into a room with four exits still lit by the undying torch light, the room seemed to be filled with energy and all though he could not see anyone he knew he was not alone.
Turning a few times as if expecting to be confronted by the spirit but saw nothing, in the centre of the room was a stone alter and each corner was ornamented with stone carved wolf heads and each side with ancient rune’s , one room he could see was inaccessible as the roof had fallen in and the entrance was filled with stone and earth and the remnants of what the room contained, the door directly in front of him was the only lit and so he entered it another corridor led to an even bigger hall , this was an amazing sight giant statue’s of their god and his avatar the three headed wolf held watch over the centre which held a throne draped in white wolf fur and a chest on the seating part. Kalal looked around the room for guidance but received non he lifted up the heavily golden adorned chest, opening it up was an oversized wolf paw perfect unmarked by decay or from the elements, on a closer inspection Kalal saw the paw was a gauntlet and placed it over his hand, no sooner had he done it as he was assailed by an overpowering presence behind him.
“Val dagar turuul valshenaz” boomed inside Kalal’s head, he turned round fast and was shocked so much he stumbled back to see his grandfather eyes pure white arms wide and staring straight at him.
“VAL DAGAR TURUUL VALSHENAZ KALAL DERVARRENHUR!”
Kalal still confused by his grandfather’s presence was unsure what to say, he removed his shirt and showed the mark on his back
“Dagar Varrenhur ilex vandwil”
Kalal was forced to his knees by an unseen force and fell unconscious. Kalal awoke in a dream state all was black around him, and he was standing face to face with a priest of his god, covered in the mantle of a high priest and holding a great staff,
“Kalal of the Blackwolf” the spirit versed, although not in the voice of one man but in the voice of many. Kalal simply nodded even though it was not a question more of a statement
“You are born with our gods symbol, and are to be given a great gift child of the blackwolf, and from this day forth will be in his service, do you understand?”
Kalal again nodded “Where am I spirit?”
The spirit moved closer and placed his spectral hand on the young barbarians shoulder
“You are home, this is a part of the Greatwolfs plane and this was made for you to arrive here it is all you need know, you are with the mark and you are blessed because of this but are you worthy of the gifts yet to be granted?”
Kalal arose from his knee’s “I am”
the spirit smiled and slammed his staff three times into the blackness that surrounded them “And so it begins” Kalal awoke from the dream state to see his grandfather no longer in the room, and to his surprise he wasn’t in the room he had entered , instead he was in a dome roofed hall surrounded by priests, stripped to the waist and overwhelmed by pain from his hand Kalal looked to see that it had been amputated and the priest around him were chanting , he was paralyzed with fear , what had just happened? One of the priests stopped and placed his hand on the young barbarians forehead, and smeared blood onto his brow creating a trident like symbol upon his head, he then proceeded to make more marks upon his chest and arms, then continued with the chanting, as Kalal tried to move he saw a glowing aura forming around him, witch began to lift him from the alter he was now on, a sudden jerking pain in his back over as soon as it started , then through his whole body, he felt his muscles expanding bulging to the point were he felt they would tear the skin that surrounded them and then relaxing, his vision blurred and deafness over came him, it was then his vision cleared and he could now see a three headed wolf looking down on him from the roof, its fur shinning giving off a shimmering glow that clamed Kalal, the two outside heads howled and Kalal could hear their piercing roar, the middle head nodded and as much as a wolf could smiled. A dark specter loomed behind Varrenhur and a shadowed figure from behind the great wolf slit each of the heads individually until the blood dripped onto the young barbarian. Kalal blacked out once again and awoke dripping with sweat, but cold on the stone floor of the room he had entered he opened his eyes to see his grandfather lent over him “Kalal! Answer me m’lad are you well? Kalal!”
The young barbarian stumbled to his knee’s “I…I don’t know what just happened, but I saw him grandfather I saw him!”
Venar looked confused “What boy? You saw who?”
“I saw the great wolf grandfather I saw Varrenhur, I saw him roar and I watched as a shadow slit his throats, what does it mean?”
Venar helped Kalal off the floor and handed him his weapon and shield “We don’t have time to discuss this m’lad I came inside after I saw movement by the woods that surround this place, we may have to fight our way out of here or die trying”

Once outside wolf paw still on his hand Kalal heard things he had not heard before, birds singing, the streams nearby rushing past, animals foraging and he could here whisper all around him, the voice of a man telling him, or somebody to wait. He looked to the trees surrounding the ruins and could see many tribesmen, they looked as if they were setting up and ambush, as soon as they left the shadowed gates the men easily twenty charged towards them, before the men got close they stopped and each in turn knelt down before Kalal. From the hillside slowly walked a man draped in the clothing of a shaman of the tribes, passing through the men.
“Kalal of the Blackwolf I assume, I am Everan, shaman of the great wolf, the lord Varrenhur, and these are my men, the Targenrath or Deathhands in our language if you prefer, we are the protectors of the one born with the mark, and my ancestors and my people have waited for this day, and a great day it is! He has come to us my brothers, the Greatwolf is here!”
The kneeling men cheered with a mighty roar each one of them heavily muscled and draped in white wolf fur, axes and swords shinning in the light of the day.
“Well met Everan, You’re here for me?”
the shaman nodded “My people have watched over these ruins and knew of your arrival before you came to this place, we have also been charged by Varrenhur himself to serve by your side and be your protectors and warriors”
Venar laughed aloud “He is the one Everan” Kalal nodded in agreement with his grandfather.
“Then all is well and let Varrenhur be praised for bringing you to us this day, you no doubt will be wanting rest, and we have our camp set up not far from here, come”


The camp was not far from the temple ruins and as they approached another twenty men stood, saluted and knelt before Kalal as he entered the settlement, the camp was just that, a small campsite a few cooking pots, fire’s and a small selection of animal hide tents.
“We have much to do my lord, you may already know this but your father has sent men to look for you and your grandfather, we spotted a small group to the south of here, they were miles off so we should be safe to rest here for tonight”
Kalal nodded “and tomorrow?”
Venar put his hand onto his grandson’s shoulders
“tomorrow m’lad we go home and take what’s rightfully yours”
“What if we have to fight? I don’t want to go into battle against my tribe”
“this is where we come into the situation my lord, non of your men will allow you to come to harm”
“That’s not what I meant Everan, I don’t want to see my people die because of my birth right, I was prophesized to save the tribes not destroy them”
Troubled by what the young barbarian had said Everan spoke up
“the prophecy differs in my knowledge my lord, you are here to unite them yes, but there is many who will appose you along the way they will have to be destroyed as you say, you are not the first to have been, it would be right to sacrifice the few for the good of the many would it not?”
Kalal with a fixed gaze and a look of perplexity “what do you mean I am not the first to have been?”
“You are not the first born with the mark there have been others who have all failed before you my lord”
Kalal enraged by this threw down his sword and shield
“First I am taken from my home after being told I was born with a gods blessing that I did not ask for, then I am informed that my father murdered my mother, and now this!, This that others have failed before me and that to succeed I am to slaughter my own kin? This is not right, this is not right at all!”
Kalal walked away, and sat beside four of his now loyal soldiers, who as he approached stood and saluted, thumping their right hand into their chest before seating. One of them looked to Kalal, his long hair although blonde and fair was matted in mud and wet from the snowfall earlier in the day which made it look dirty and dark, his face had many cuts two at the right side of his mouth which looked to be claw marks.
“My lord I am Belus and it is an honor to meet you, we have waited our lives for your coming...”
“Are you the ones who saw the search party?” Kalal interrupted
they all nodded “We are my lord, they were south of the ruins still in the woods …”
again Kalal interrupted “Was there a big man, a warrior he would have been in charge?”
“There was one he was tall and broad like a bear with a great War axe in hand he was giving orders to the group”
Kalal looked to his grand father
“Azore, they are not looking to bring us back my father would not send him after us, We should find them” Venar nodded at his grandson
“We shall go at first light, let us rest m’lad we have a lot to do in the morn”
Kalal rose from his seat “We go now”
“Everan , my grandfather will stay here I will go alone”
“my lord if you so wish to go please allow your men to accompany you”
“I will take these men with me”
Everan nodded
“Venar do you wish to go with the men?”
Kalal put his hand on his grand father’s shoulder “Stay and rest grandfather ill be back with Azore and the others by morning” Venar who was exhausted nodded “See you in the morrow”

They left the camp after collecting small supplies for the road hoping they would reach the search party’s camp before dark. They moved out and Belus the leader of the men stayed beside Kalal with his axe and shield drawn ready for any attackers , they had covered a great distance but time was against them and the sun had began to set, the nocturnal creatures of the forest began to scurry around them
“My lord they are quite a distance, I do not think we will get to them before nightfall, we should make camp and have Evale and Aisar track them in the light of day”
Kalal stopped and nodded his agreement, once the camp was set up and the men had a fire going they gathered round and talked
“I have not seen Isaac hills since I was a boy my lord does the snow still fall only on the western side?”
Kalal was confused by this question “You have been to Isaac hills?”
The man wrapped his heavy wolf fur back across his shoulders “Aye my lord I was born there”
Again confused by this gave the man a look to continue
“We are all from the villages and settlements of our people my lord, we were taken for training at an early age, I must have been 6 maybe 7 winters, it has been a long time”
“You were taken into service to wait for me?”
“Aye we all were, Varrenhur demands that we protect you my lord”
“What about you?” Kalal spoke to another man
“Stonespear Valley my lord as well as my brother Evale”
The man spoke pointing to his brother who sat away from the group. The young barbarian leaned in to whisper to the man “Why does he sit away from us?”
The man smiled “He can’t my lord, he hasn’t spoken since we were taken from our mother and father, he didn’t understand you see, but do not question his loyalty to you my lord, his is loyal, and we all are”
Kalal was awash with guilt, why were these men taken from their homes to watch over him? And he felt the responsibility weigh heavy upon him
“Do you think I will be able to reunite the tribes?”
All the men looked at Kalal and Belus spoke up “My lord it is written that you will, we do not question the prophets or the will of Varrenhur”
Kalal rose and stretched his legs trying not to let his feelings show “I know what must be done, but I am no leader”

Rayster
10-06-2006, 10:41 AM
Very nice so far - i've run out of time right now...i'm almost halfway through.
just to let u know i'm reading and that i'll give u feeback.
first bit of C&C tho: some sentences are very long, with a lot of commas.... (edit: this continues all the way through. msot sentences should end and start where u've placed commas).
Maybe it could be spread out into multiple sentences - unless that's how u intended it to be, especially the first paragraph in Chapter 1.
but as i said it's good so far.

edit: that's an understatment.
i can see this become a novel very easily.
it's just that good...extremly good.

apart from minor spelling mistakes, missing/too many comma's and basic grammatical errors which we all make and can be fixed up easily...
the ebb and flow of the story - ur characters, ur descriptions, ur setting of the environment and the surroundigs, are what I strive towards in writing my own stories.
fantastic work!

also, to just make it a bit easier to read here, seperate the talking from other talking and the paragraphs. it'll look neat that way too. :)

ill_manner
10-06-2006, 12:44 PM
Hey thanks for taking time to read, and yeah my friend went through it and he was like damn take a breath! lol i'll repost a betetr edited version- and thanks for the feedback :D

Rayster
10-06-2006, 01:15 PM
lol, i thought the same thing. no time to breathe!
thanks for taking time to read
no worries man. it was worth reading. very rarely do i read a story which keeps me reading from the first paragraph.

on a side note: have u read any books by David Gemmell? if not, i suggest u read his "Drenai" series, u'll be surprised at the likeness - ie/ the tribes, action and fantasy set in this era, etc.
he's also my fav authour.

this deserves to be a book already. i can see that. all i can say is well done and keep writing.

*i think i edited my previous post before i saw ur reply...i think i might have added something after u posted, not sure*

ill_manner
10-06-2006, 01:30 PM
thanks again, i appreciate any comments but im pleased by this feed back, ill correct the speach as ive been meaning to do and seperate paragraphs better.

Im a big fan of bernard cornwell although i have heard of David Gemmel i havnt read any of his work, but tbh its on my list of things to do :)


EDIT: Ok added a edited version should make it a bit easier to read (i hope)

candyb3ar
10-18-2006, 02:41 PM
MORE PLZ....[usually this stuff i will sn00ze through...but this was well d0ne, so for goodness sake p0st sometime...l0l, so i may see what happens next!]
http://www.sumpffuchs.com/img/getimg/My_little_girl_reading_by_Memphis_Ahn.jpg