Multivate District

[Tidus]

Okay, thanks for getting interested in this story. To be true, I'm suck at making stories. (T_T) But, I will just try my best to do so. Okay, so, this is a story of Ichigo, going to a place where street fighters hangs out. Anyway, can't spoil more. The story format is sometimes Fanfiction format, sometimes story format. Please be interested! *praying* Oh, be warned that there might be some spoilers. I got the spoiler from Manga. So this Fanfiction is more suitable for Mangars(Manga readers.) or Animers(Anime watchers). I'm pleasantly sorry to spoil.

Chapter 1
Place: In front of Karankura High
When: When the school ends
"Oy, Ichigo!" Renji calls Ichigo, who is staring in the space. "Why are you so gloomy? I thought you're going to the coolest place in Karankura town tonight, the Multivate Distict, with your friend, err.... Who is it again?" "Don't remember? I think you mean those seven. *points to Ishida, Inoue, Chad, Rukia, Tatsuki (Inoue's friend), Kojima, and Kiego* And that includes you. *points to Renji* That make it eight." replies Ichigo. "Hi, I-chi-go-kun!" says Rukia in her sweet voice. (Usually, she use her boyish, old-fashioned, voice. Remember?) "So, how are you doing today?" Even though she say it with her sweet-loking face and sweet-sounded voice, Ichigo knew what it really means. "I'm fine.... You're going to Multivate District with us?" Ichigo ask her. "Oh, of course! Well, meet me there at 7PM. This would be great!" replies Rukia as she walks away, saying "JANNE! (Means: See ya!)" in the middle of the way, *waving then she walks away*. "7PM? That would be great!" says Kiego who suddenly appears out of nowhere. "WHOA!!!! Eh, Kiego.... Don't suprised me like that...." replies Ichigo. "So, you really coming?" "If Rukia-chan is coming, I'LL COME!!!!" answered Kiego. Everyone knows that he likes Rukia. No one else, just Rukia. "Whatever, Kiego." says Tatsuki. "Tatsuki and I decided to come along!" replies Inoue. "Ishida-kun and Chad-kun, too!" "Eh, Ishida really coming?" Kiego ask. "He really unassociative, and untrustable." "I heard that, Kiego." answer Ishida. "Eh?!?!?!?! Oh, it's Ishida.... You have a missunderstanding....Hehe....." replies Kiego as he cold-sweating, fast-heart-beating, and hoping Ishida understand. "Eh, Ishida-san..... You're really coming?" Ichigo ask Ishida. "Yeah, Don't have any jobs... (Look, he means no hollows around.)" he replies. "I heard Hitsugaya, and everyone from Gotei 13 is coming." "Hah?! There coming?!" Renji's suprised. "Don't they have some jobs to do?" "Nah, they take 2-days off. When they heard that Multivate District, descibed as a very cool place, they decided to took off. With the reason of; A lot of hollow scattering there." replies Ishida. "How come you know a lot of thing, Ishida-kun?" ask Inoue. "Ah, it's nothing..." "So, this trip gonna be fun!!! And by the way, who's Gotei 13?" ask Kiego. "Oh, oh.... Er.... It's nothing, hehehe. They're just our friends." answer Ichigo nervously. Of course, they didn't want their secret to go to waste. "Well, Janne, everyone. I'm going. *walks away*" "Bye, Ichigo-kun! See ya 7PM!" replies Inoue.

Place: Ichigo's Bedroom.
When: Around 4PM
"So, Ichigo, what's Multivate District?" ask Rukia. "HAH?! You just agreed to come with us but you don't know what is it, AGAIN?!

Flashback
Place: Don Kanonji's Concert at Bleach episode
So, Ichigo, what's this parade is all about?
Flashback Ends

"See? I guess I got no choice but to explain it to you. Multivate District is a place of Street Fights tournaments." says Ichigo.(Fanfiction Format on!)

Rukia- "What make it special?"

Ichigo- "The place is just like a mini-Tokyo, Like a square plaza. Except, it's way most awesome than any places!"

Rukia- "So?"

Ichigo- "You just don't understand, didn't you? So, it's a square plaza. Except we got all of things there. Ah, forget it. As an old woman, you won't understand how us, young teens, lives and enjoy our life. (Rukia is 10x older than Ichigo.)" *looks away, busy doing his homework*

Rukia- "Ceh, live as an old woman?! I'm going there to see what's good about that place." *Looks away, reading her favorite horror books*

Chapter 1 ends.

Please comment!

[Ai]

Try to make it more descriptive...

Maybe a tad bit longer chapter...

But apart from that it's a nice start It's nice to see your getting into the fanfiction scene.

[Tidus]

Thanks! I think I gonna post the chapter 2 right now........ So, I'm going to write it in the next post, sorry to double post. T_T

[Undying]

It needs to be more descritpive, and the format has a few problems, especially the flashback. Also the action slots (AKA **) are unneccesary in a story unless it's in an RPG Action forms (in which case, these will be taking most of the space).

It's pretty good, otherweise.

[Tidus]

Undying: So, how I gonna describe what are they doing? T_T...... I know I'm the worse.......

Yosh! So, there is something I need to say; First: I treated every character the same way, even though I want to make Ichigo the coolest one. I can't bear it, it's just unfair. So, if you complain 'bout practical jokes used in your fav. characters, read again this post.
Second: I'm still starting, and probably, all of the chapter will be short. Sorry 'bout that, but I will do my best doing it long, okay?

Chapter 2

The Beginning/The End

Place: Ichigo's room
When: 4:30, when they ends their fight
"Ichigo," Rukia calls Ichigo. "Yeah?" "I heard the Gotei 13 is going to come, that means my brother, too?" ask Rukia. (Fanfiction format on!)

Ichigo- "Yeah.... Wait, how did you know?"

Rukia- "Inoue just call me on the soul phone."

Ichigo- So that phone does work like a cellphone.... "But if they're coming,
they can't come to Multivate District with their shinigami forms, Shall we call Hat
and Sandals? (As in Urahara)"

Rukia- "Now that you said that.... Okay, I will call him. It's not usual that you're
smart, Ichigo."

Ichigo- "URUSAI!!!! (SHUT UP!!!)

On the phone:

Urahara- "Hello, Urahara Shoten (Urahara Shop) here. May I help you?"

Rukia- "Hello, Urahara."

Urahara- "Ah.... Rukia-san, isn't it? (Note: =san, maybe it's a formal calling, but here, it's just an ending.) What's the problem? Does kon have something broken?

Rukia- No, I need er....... (She's counting) 3 people from each division, 13x3=39, 39 minus 3 people equals......= 36 faux body, by tonight!

Urahara- HAH?! 36 FAUX BODY?!?! BY TONIGHT?! (Urahara fainted. In the phone,
you could hear small voices saying, "Urahara-san! Are you okay?". Then, he
wakes up) So, Kuchiki-san, let's continue... What's 36 faux body for?

Rukia- The Gotei 13, except First Division, is coming here. They take 2-days off for awhile, visiting Karankura Town.

Urahara- So that's how it is..... How about the payment?

Rukia- Probably, the GOTEIs is going to pay for it. When it's done, call me, and we will come! They going to arrive at your store. Oh, gotta go. Make it modern and cool as possible! (She hangs up)

Place: Urahara Shop
When: 6PM

Ichigo- Wow, he's quick.... Isn't he?

Rukia- He sure does...

Urahara- Hey, Rukia-san, the Gotei 13 is here!

The door creeks out (as in open). Instead of Gotei 13, they saw Byakuka,
Matsumoto, Hitsugaya, Soi Fong, and Yoruichi. (Female Version, and they all look
cool.)

Ichigo- Where's the complete Gotei 13?

Hitsugaya- They can't come with this word; b-u-s-y. So, how's your day?

The camera zooms to Byakuka when Ichigo and Hitsugaya talking to each other.

Byakuka is frozen like a statue. He never see Rukia in a dress.

Byakuka- (I think he doesn't talk much, even he doesn't think much.)

Matsumoto- Hey, Rukia-chan!

Rukia- So, you come, Rangiku?

Matsumoto- Yes, of course.

Zooms back to Hitsugaya and Ichigo.

Hitsugaya- So, what is this place called Multivate District?

Ichigo hits his head with his palm. (You know what it means, do you?)

Ichigo- Why shinigamis always come to a place they don't know much? You
know later.

Rukia- Oy, Ichigo! Let's go! Inoue is waiting for us!

Ichigo- Coming!!!

Place: Multivate District
When: 7PM

"Oy, Ichigo! Here!" says Tatsuki as Ichigo coming to her. It seems that every1 except them are coming earlier. "Ah, Tatsuki-chan!" replies Rukia, "Are you ready for the fun yet?" "Yeah, of course!" answer Inoue. "Oh, Hi, Byakuka!" (This is happening after they come to Soul Society).

Byakuka- (Silent...... No comment)

Renji- taichou... I mean, Byakuka......

Byakuka- (Not paying attention.)

Kiego- Who is this guy? And who is this small guy? So, your name is
Byakuka? What connection of you and Rukia?

Rukia- He's my Step Brother, Kiego-kun...

Kiego- Hah?! Step Brother?! Is she okay? Is he the one that like in Cinderella stories, like her wicked step-brother?!

Okay, Byakuka-lovers or Readers, let's walk out of Kiego's Random thoughts.

Chad- Yo, Ichigo.

Ichigo- Yo, Chad. Come on, let's go.

Tatsuki- So, where are we going to go first?

Everybody except GOTEIs and Rukia started to grins/smirk/snicker/whatever. They all shout, "FIGHTER'S DOME!"

Place: You see on the top? Yup, that's where they are, Fighter's Dome Stall
When: After 10 minutes of Chit Chat, about 8:10PM

Ichigo- So, how many peoples we had?

Inoue- Renji, Kiego, Byakuka, Rangiku, Hitsu-kun, Strawberry (Ichigo), me, Kojima,
Tatsuki, Rukia, Soi-Fon, Yorouichi, Ishida, and Chad. That's it.

Ichigo- So, that be 14 seats. 1400 yen, That's cheap.

He's going to the stall, oh, you don't know what fighter dome is? Fighter dome is like a dome, but people fights on it. Each show cost 100 yen per person. Ichigo is now buying the tickets. While Ichigo is going;

Yoruichi- So you decided to come?

Soi Fon- Yes, of course. It might be worth it.

Yoruichi- It's not usual that you be like this...

Soi Fon- A vacation might be good for awhile.

Place: Inside the Dome
When: 8:30PM

Okay, so I gonna describe this fight;
As the dome turned dark, Ichigo knows that the show is going to started. They have the front seats, they're really lucky, though. BLITZ! The lights go on. In the ring, there's a fighter. He wears a very similiar jacket with Ichigo's (The pics (http://bleachportal.net/media/music/ichigo.jpg)) with the cap on. You can't see his eyes because the cap covers it. His opponents are a big, bulky fighter. He might be 2x stronger than the other one.

"Hello everyone! This is Rogika, the host of the match!" says Rogika, the host of the match, "Today, we have Jin from the Asian Kung-Fu Generation! (I got this name from a band name Asian Kung-Fu Generation, they rocks! Tribute!)" People started to cheering Jin. "Yosh! On this side, we have Bulky from the Yaou!" (People started to booing Bulky). "Okay, Are you ready? Get Set! (Everybody say) "START THE MATCH!" (Fanfiction on)(I will use **, got no choice)

Jin started to.... relax? It seems that he's confident that he will win against Bulky.

Bulky- A big mistake to relax when the battle is on!

Jin- I know, but this one isn't a battle, it's a warm-up.

Bulky- How dare you?! *charges to Jin, delivering a punch*

Jin- You think a punch like that will work on me? Ceh, careless. *dodge the wide-fist punch by jumping about Bulky's height* Gotcha! *kicks Bulky on the face*

Bulky stopped, the kick that Jin delivered is not just a kick. It seems that it has a lot of powers on it! Bulky is bleeding. 'That quick?', that what readers would say right?

Bulky- Taking me so easily! You must not underestimate Yaou! *catch Jin on the
feet when he still on the air, then he locks Jin to the ground* Heh!

Jin- Funny, very funny..... *in the position of lock, he throw Bulky backwards*

Audience's Seat:

Soi Fong- He's strong!

Ichigo- No one could beat AKFG! Especially, that Jin. He's good at combats.

Yourichi- Wow, he match Soi Fon then. *smirk*

Ring:

Bulky is throwned away, not far though. But, at least Jin could escape from that lock.

Jin- You call that a lock? Ceh, do it better.

Bulky- HIYYAAA!!!! *charges at Jin*

Jin- *jumps to Bulky's back, he kicks Bulky away*

Bulky- How could you be that quick? No way, this is just a trick! *trying to take Jin on the leg* I broke that leg so you can't do Flash Step anymore!

Audience's Seat:

Byakuka- Flash Step? No way!

Soi Fon- This is impossible for a mere-human to do flash step!

Ichigo- It seems that there is something strange about Jin, a lot of it.

Yoruichi- Maybe it's possible for human to do flash steps. But if they do flash step
once, they should be out of stamina by now!

Soi Fon- But the thing is, he still standing up!

The Ring:

Jin- Bad Mistake, Bulky, Bad Mistake. *use his flash step to parry the grab and
kick bulky on the stomach* *smirk* *Bulky falls to the ground so quickly*

Rogika- 1.........2...........3!!!!! Bulky's out! The winner; Jin Kurosaki!!

Audience's Seat:

Ichigo- JIN K-U-R-O-S-A-K-I?!?!?! NO WAY!!!!

Rukia- Another KUROSAKIs? Impossible!

Ishida- This is way weird! He could do flash step and his last name is Kurosaki?!

Chapter 2 ends. Hope you like it! Yes, Jin's last name is Kurosaki. Find out more about what actually happens!

[Ai]

mhmm....

The story is moving along..

Some things that would be better you don't have to make quotes like this


"Ichigo," Rukia calls Ichigo. "Yeah?" "I heard the Gotei 13 is going to come, that means my brother, too?" ask Rukia. (Fanfiction format on!)

Or

"But if they're coming,
they can't come to Multivate District with their shinigami forms, Shall we call Hat
and Sandals? (As in Urahara)

People know what their nicknames are and can figure out the characters really easy.

Another thing i'd say is try not to have them speaking like this


Ichigo- "Yeah.... Wait, how did you know?"

Rukia- "Inoue just call me on the soul phone."

But maybe like this

"Yeah..."Ichigo Said "Wait, how did you know about that?" He finished confused
"Inoue Just Called me on the soul phone" Rukia responded explaining the situation.

This way you can find out what the characters moods are while they're answering the question/ saying something. It also makes the story easier to read as people don't want to be constantly reminded about who is saying what. If you look at story's you can tell a good flow by the speaking parts that don't tell you whos saying it yet you can figure it out very easily by how the conversation has gone.

A good start to a good story. Try to improve on your decriptive talents and how you format your fanfic and you'll get great reviews in no time flat.

[Undying]

In order to describe a scene, first of all try telling it to yourself as the narrator, you should grasp how it sounds if you try.

Secondly you should keep in mind that since this is a narrated story, it should be in past tense and the brakets you keep on adding, as they ruin the flow of the story.

Thirdly, play format (what you call "fanfiction format") is, IMO, rather annoying to read, since you cannot imagive what do the characters look like when they talk, what are their emotions, etc. For example,
Renji- Yo, taichou!
From this, what am I supposed to think? How does Renji feel after seeing his Captain? Is he overjoyed, angered? Adding a few words into it, for example:

"Yo, Taicho!" said Renji, beaming in delight at the sight of his well respected Captain, Kuchiki Byakuya.

As you can see this simplifies the story and alows a better flow of the storytelling.

Also, the narrator shouldn't be an active voice unless he's a character, therefore the line
Okay, so I gonna describe this fight;
Is useless, instead use something like "and so the fight went..." and link the description into it.

It's very interesting. Write more :D

[Tidus]

*stump her head on her comp* Now that you said that............ Thanks for the comment, I think I'm going to fix it.

[Ai]

Don't worry about redoing your current chapters...

Simply incorperate the critiques into your next chapters, This way you can easily see how you are progressing in your talent by comparing your later chapters to your earlier ones.

Remember you can always ask someone if they could Edit your chapter before you post it so that you can fix it before you post it up.

[Undying]

^Agreed. Just inprove your new stuff and then you can watch your own progress, that way you can tell what did you improve, how much better or worse have you become... stuff like that.

And editor is also a good idea, but you'll have to find someone trustworthy and serious.

[Tidus]

I didn't meant that, either. I just fixing the part that doesn't make any senses. Anyway, I think I'm going to edit this post later if I got chapter 3, okay?

[Undying]

Better post the new part after this post (mine). That way I'll know you posted (I'm subscribed for this thread, so I know when a reply is posted).

[Joe Black]

Just finished reading this work, and I must say, it was actaully quite good.

The bad news first: don't be afraid to use full paragraphs / proper grammatical structure to describe things like physical appearance, fighting sequences, or dialogue. It's difficult, yes, but it gains more respect from the reader if you do it correctly.

However, I very much enjoyed the action you portrayed in your stories, as it still managed to get the point across. You know the Bleach characters well, and such ideas would be good as part of a storyboard for animators to get ideas from. You should also consider being a playwright, it seems to fit your style.

As a writer, I know that you can only get better as time goes on. So update soon, k? ^.^

[Tidus]

I'll just try my best and do whatever I can to make an PARAGRAPH (My weakness... *sob*). And If someone wants to be an editor, please tell me!

Chapter 3
Two Strawberries?

Audience's Seat

"Ishida, stay here. I'm going to check out Jin's locker room. I'll leave the rest to you" says Ichigo. It was pretty Impossible to hear your favorite person has a same last name as yours. Everyone will shocked about this, of course. "I'm coming with you, Ichigo!" says Rukia. They run and run, as fast as they can. This thing gonna be a whole new story!

Hallway of the Staff Room

"Rukia! Check your left for Jin's or AKFG's room. I'll check the right." commands Ichigo. "I got it, I got it!" Rukia replies as they both check their left, and right. "Ichigo! Here it is!" "We're going in!" replies Ichigo.

AKFG's Room

As the door creeks open, Ichigo slip in. "Heh, what do we have here?" says a person. No one was actually in the room. How could it be possible? "Where are you? Show yourself!" says Ichigo as he checks the room, looking for people. "Oh, wrong person." A man suddenly appear in front of Ichigo. Ichigo didn't sense him until now. This is one suspicious guy.... Ichigo thoughts, Must be a newbie. He never see him in the ring at all. "Are you doubting me that I was a newbie?" that person ask. "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all." Ichigo replies, "but who are you anyway?" "Let's just say that I'm a something to AKFG." "Ichigo, are you okay?" says Rukia as she slip in to the room. "And who is this guy?" "I don't know either, Rukia. He's not on the game." Suddenly, the door creeks open, again. This time, it's Jin. As he coming in to the room, he saw Ichigo and Rukia. He seems to be suprised, but he hid his feeling as quick as possible. "What do we have here, Koro-sensei?" ask Jin. Koro? -Sensei? Ichigo thought. "Oh, hi Jin. Looks like we have something here." answer Koro. "Don't worry, I know what you mean, Koro." replies Jin. The door open again, this time it's 1/2 of AKFG's crew. They do look suprised like Jin, but we can't tell completely since they wearing something that covers the upper part of their face. (To AKFG, it's a policy to covers the upper part of their face. It's for their safety, too.) "Oh, Hi guys. Don't worry about these people." says Jin. "But, Jin..." "Don't worry, it'll be fine." "Jin, why is your last name is Kurosaki, My last name?!" ask Ichigo curiously. "Kurosaki is your last name? Wow, what a suprise!" says one of the crew. This time, it's a girl. "Lolita, don't butt in to people's business." replies Jin, "Now, sit down for a minute. Make yourself comfortable." "I don't care about this! I just need to know why you have a same last name as I do?!" shout Ichigo angrily. "Well, guess what? You will know later." says Lolita as she dragged Ichigo outside. "Lolita, he told you not to butt in to people's business!" says Koro. "Ichigo, is that your name?" "Yeah," answer Ichigo "And yours is Koro, right?" "Wow! You learn so fast!" says Koro happily. He's one suspicious and silly guy. "Should I tell you, and Rukia, why we're shocked?" "Koro-sensei!" says Lolita, trying to cut the conversation. "Lolita! Let them know!" answered Jin. As Lolita sat on the bench sadly, Koro says; "Lolita, take off your knitted cap. Jin, take off your jacket's cap." "Here we go..." says Jin as they both do so. Jin has orange-short hair, just like Ichigo, while Lolita have black-short hair, just like Rukia. "Wow..... You guys look like us, by the hair of course." says Rukia. "Yeah, you right ,Rukia." replies Ichigo. "Well, you'll be suprised if they do this; Lolita, take off your mask. While Jin, take off your googles." Koro says. Ichigo and Rukia is suprised. They were look-a-likes of Ichigo and Rukia! "Im-Im-Impossible...." suprised Rukia. "No way..... Is this illusion?" ask Ichigo. "Nope, nope at all. We never be joking." says Lolita. "Now that you said that, you have the same sound as I do! And Jin have the same voice as Ichigo do!" says Rukia. "So that's why Koro says that he got the wrong person when he greets us!" replies Ichigo. "Wow, they are quick, Koro." says Jin. "So, now you know our secret, of course you want to tell your friends right?" "Yes, of course!" replies Ichigo. "I actually did see you guys when I was fighting, and guess what? Nike, Sierra, Foin, Kerr, take off all things that cover your faces." says Jin. The one who got their names called do as Jin order to. They were the same as Ichigo and Jin, they were look-a-likes of Byakuka, Renji, Inoue, and Soi-Fong! "This is impossible......" says Ichigo. "Want them to come in here, telling them what actually you see here?" ask Jin. "Of course!" replies Ichigo. "Then go ahead, take this and you will come back here safely, from the guards." says Jin as he gives Ichigo 12 Backstage Pass. "Promise me, Ichigo." "Thanks, Jin!" says Ichigo as he grabbed Rukia, who is fainted because of seeing Lolita's face, outside, dragging her like a mop. "Rukia! Wake up! We gotta tell them!" says Ichigo.

Audience's Seat

"Oy! Ishida!" shouts Ichigo as he breath hardly. "Eh, Ichigo! So, what's the answer?" answer Ishida. "That's why I'm running here! C'mon! We gotta go to AKFG's Room! Oh, wear this, too!" replies Ichigo as he handsover the Backstage Pass to Ishida. "What happen, Ichigo-kun?" ask Inoue. "C'mon, Inoue! You wanna know the answer right? Then, let's go!" answered Ichigo as he ran to the staff room. All of the GOTEIs and Ichigo's friend rans after him. "Wait up, Ichigo!" shout Renji as thay catched up to him.

I like to fast forward, skipping the unneeded scenes so, let's go!

AKFG's Room (Oh, men.... I wish I'm typing this on my bed, not on my working desk......)

As the door creeks open (I like to say it that way; it means it was open softly), Ichigo and his crew slip in. "So, you did come?" ask Koro. "Of course! I need to tell them this thing!" answered Ichigo. "Now, don't be mad, Ichigo. We gotta tell them pixel by pixel. (He means detail by detail)" says Jin. "Okay, where should we started?"

ChApTeR 3 EnDs HeRe!

Commento please! And editor needed!

[Evanesque]

It's ok, I guess. Just needs to be arranged in a proper format...but first of all you need to put some paragraph breaks in between otherwise the whole story looks like a cramped up mess...
Still I think it's ok...good work..

[Ai]

Agreed..

I myself place a paragraph break when something new happens in the line. Or after i've had a large dialouge of speech.

One thing i am noticing in this chapter. It has vastly improved on your previous ones in terms of understandability in whats going on and has easier flow but you need to let your imagination run wild.

you always have.

As the door creeks open, Ichigo slip in. "Heh, what do we have here?" says a person. No one was actually in the room. How could it be possible? "Where are you? Show yourself!" says Ichigo as he checks the room, looking for people. "Oh, wrong person." A man suddenly appear in front of Ichigo. Ichigo didn't sense him until now. This is one suspicious guy.... Ichigo thoughts, Must be a newbie. He never see him in the ring at all. "Are you doubting me that I was a newbie?" that person ask. "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all." Ichigo replies, "but who are you anyway?" "Let's just say that I'm a something to AKFG." "Ichigo, are you okay?" says Rukia as she slip in to the room. "And who is this guy?" "I don't know either, Rukia. He's not on the game."

You have said Says a hell of alot in this chapter you can mix and match it..For instance you could rewrite that as

Ichigo silently pushed the door open wincing as it made a loud creek slipping in and shutting it behind him as quietly as he could, All of a sudden a voice penertrated the darkness "Well What Do We Have Here?"

Alarmed Ichigo turned on the light to reveal an empty room. raising his arm he grasped his soul slayer nervously as he stepped into the middle of the room. *Show Yourself you coward!*. A man suddenly appeared out of thin air directly in front of Ichigo causing him to take a step back in alarm.
*Sorry about that* The man stated raking his hand through his hair smilling sheepishly, *I thought you were someone else*
*Clearly* Ichigo said as he looked the man up and down and thought to himself. "He must be a newbie, I havn't seen him around here before"
*I'm not one* The stranger said matter of factly
*Not one what?* Ichigo replied confused
*Well you were just thinking that i must be a newbie because you havn't seen me around here before...Right?*
*Yea your right..How did you know?...And Who Are You?*
*Never-mind how i knew* The stranger said shrugging off the question *and lets just say that i'm something to AKFG.*

The door creaked open again as someone entered the room.
*Are you ok?* Rukia asked walking up to stand next to Ichigo...
*Yea I'm ok*
*Thats good to hear....Hold on* She said as she noticed the stranger for the first time. * Whos the guy?*
*I have absolutley no idea* Ichigo said dropping his arm and giving her a shrug *He's not in the game that i know for certain*


- more descriptive
- creates a longer chapter
- keeps it interesting

[Tidus]

Alligatou-gozaimaz, sensei desuka! Wakata! (Understand) I guess I nees to fix my writing grades, too....

[Ai]

:p...

Don't worry every chapter you've put out so far has been an improvement on the last so your growing.

And I subscribe to this thread to so don't worry you have readers..

[Tidus]

Thanks, Ai. (Actually, It's totally awesome! Can I use that format?) So, here it is....... *sob, sob*
So, I will still use " " to say something and ** for if a character is thinking, 'kay?

Chapter 4
Place: AKFG's room
(Now, I wonder if I can use a POV..... Nah, save it for battles. Oops, just spoiled a thing. *closing the parantese.*)

(I think We'll skip the How-They-Learn-The-Secret Moment. It's way longer than you thought.)

Everyone was shocked. It was, incredible how you say it. Inoue rose up from her seat, cornered herself in a corner. Punching her stomach just like when she doesn't want to eat in Soul Society as she says something sounded funny, because of the punch.

"Imfossible. If's imfossible!" (Impossible. It's Impossible!)
Koro stop her "Unfortunately, it is, er..... What's your name again?"
Inoue keep punching even Kuro was stoping her. (Wow, she's a strong one.) "Ifoue, Orifime Ifoue."
"Ifoue? Orifime Ifoue?"
"No, she meant Inoue, Orihime Inoue." Ichigo help Koro stopping her.
"I see..."
Suddenly, Ichigo realize the Soul Phone ringing.
"What is it Rukia?"
"It's a hollow, right here in Multivate Drive."
"Shoot."

The AKFG crews was confused. "A hollow? What do you mean by that?"
"I wish we could tell you our secret, but, you won't believe us 'cause you can't see us." says Ichigo.
"Huh?" Jin was confused then ever.
"Forget it." says Hitsugaya.
"Come on let's go! The Hollow is near!"
BOOM! The walls on AKFG's room crackle.
"What's happening, Koro?" ask Lolita.
"I don't know either." he answer
Jin was freeze. There's something wrong with this.
"Rukia, where's your glove thingy?"
"Coming thru!" she pushed Gotei's and Ichigo's head, pushing their soul out of their body.

It's not just one hollow, theres 10 of them.
"How came it be this much?" ask Rangiku.
"No time, just bash them in the head!" answer Ichigo as he charged at them.
"Stop it, Ichigo! You'll just wasting you power!" replies Hitsugaya, stopping Ichigo.

Suddenly, BASH! A sound of crackling echoes to the room.
"J-J-Jin?"
Jin was giving an ax kick to one of hollows mask. (ax kick: a kick that is started with a position like this (http://mud.mm-a6.yimg.com/image/2187790230), and pushed down to make a strong impact.) The hollow mask crackled into pieces, leaving the hollow defeated.
"You heard him, BASH them in the head!"
*He could see us?* thought the Goteis, making them freeze.
"Jin, you just doin an Ax Kick to nothing."
"Lolita, you got to be joking! You can't see it?"
"Well, I could." says Koro.
"Hitsugaya, watch out!" shout Ichigo.
"Oh, shoot!" He parry the strike as fast as he can. "We got to focus on the hollows!"
Sounds of crackling mask echoes throughout the room again. "There's go the 2nd one."
"Kuro?" ask Ichigo. "Ah, forget it! C'mon! Bash-'em-up!" He started to show out Zangetsu, bashing over their heads. "There goes the 3 & 4."
"And 5 & 6." says Hitsugaya as he point to the dilsoving Hollow.
"And 7 & 8."
"And 9 & 10"

"That's quick."
"So, you can see us, Jin?" ask Ichigo
"Yeah, are you a ghost or something?"
The Goteis think for awhile, they come up with a great answer; "Maybe."
"Well, mind to go in to your body?"
"Oh, right." They go into their Gigai. (Tell me if there is another way to say this.)

"Oh, Ichigo! You're okay?" ask Lolita.
"Yeah I'm fine." he answered.
"Oy, Ichigo! The fight is over and Tatsuki, Kiego, and Kojima is waiting for us!"
"Well then, see ya, Jin." says Ichigo.
"Wait, Ichigo!" Jin stopped him, handing him a card. "Call me, we gotta talk about this!"
"Yeah, sure. Janne, Jin." They exit the room. Inoue stop in her way, wave goodbye to her doubles, Sierra, Foin (Soi-Fong's Doubles), and Kerr (Renji's Doubles)
_____________________________________

I know it's sloppy, I tried my best though. :P
_____________________________________
ITDG's corner:

I just watching Digimon Frontier, and I just remembered that I have on of those 'DigiDevice' when I was young. I still remember the phrase, though. (DIGIVOLVE!!!!!) I laugh a lot.

[Ai]

Although you still have some problems with your general grammatical syntax it's coming along smoothly.

I definatly found this chapter much more easier to read as the flow kept on going and wasn't interupted all the time.

Good chapter nice fighting look forward to the next

[Undying]

Great improvement from the first few chapters.

Yes, grammar is important :).

Also, it is my suggestion that you separate speech to make it wasier on the reader. Like this:

Instead of:

"That's quick."
"So, you can see us, Jin?" ask Ichigo
"Yeah, are you a ghost or something?"
The Goteis think for awhile, they come up with a great answer; "Maybe."
"Well, mind to go in to your body?"
"Oh, right." They go into their Gigai. (Tell me if there is another way to say this.)

write:

"That's quick."

"So, you can see us, Jin?" ask Ichigo

"Yeah, are you a ghost or something?"

The Goteis think for awhile, they come up with a great answer; "Maybe."

"Well, mind to go in to your body?"

"Oh, right." They go into their Gigai. (Tell me if there is another way to say this.)

Also, decide how you write it. Is it 3rd person past tense? Or 3rd person present tense? Or first person past/present? It's very important.

[Tidus]

No Comment
_____________________

Chapter 5
(I like to do POVs, so I'll do full on this chapter. Still, it doesn't meant that it'll have battles. Who knows?)

9:29 PM
Place: Ichigo's Room
Ichigo's POV

Well, how do I say this; They mainly not interested for ever again to come to Multivate District. They as in: Kiego, Tatsuki, and Kojima. Yeah, just them. The rest is still wondering about Jin. Kiego, Tatsuki and Kojima didn't know about the 'look-a-likes' thing. Because they decided to not go with us to the AKFG room. But, it's better to be that way. Rukia was chatting on her soul phone.

"Who is it, Rukia?" I ask her.

She paused and replies with an expressive hint on her faces.

"Who else?"

"Oh, let me guess. The GOTEIs."

"A hundred-score point for Ichigo!!"

I was pretty suprised with her answer, when she says "A hundred-score point for Ichigo!!". Where did she learn that? Back to the story, I relax on my bed. While reading 'Eoin Colfer's Half Moon Investigation', which Karin let me borrow, the soul phone rings.

"Is it a hollow, Rukia?" I ask her, while my eyes were still on the book.

She checks her phone. Then she giggled.

"No, daily jokes from Inoue."

"Daily Jokes? WTH?"

"She started to sent me funny jokes 1 week ago."

"Then made me laugh."

"Like I will tell you. This is just girl's jokes."

"You mean girl's and old woman's."

Well, it does make senses. Rukia is 10x older than I do. And she is an old woman.
She noticed that I called her an old woman. And I certainly sure that her head twitch 10x. You know, like square marks.

"You little....... BRAT!"

"Rukia! SHUT UP! YOU DON'T WANT DAD TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE HERE!"

She paused, then she smirk.

"And you yell more than I do."

I just realize it now. And it makes my brain hardly working. In the hall, we heard footsteps. I know it was Dad, Karin, and Yuzu. We heard door knocks and some sound outside.:

(Dad/Isshin)"Ichigo, are you alright?"
(Karin)"Onee-san, you're 'kay?"
(Yuzu)"Don't tell me that there was a bug and you scare that much."

"No, I'm okay."

I heard footsteps. Except, it sounds like they're going back to what are they working on.

"And, Rukia...... Forget it."

She smirk. I just hate it when she does.

Wait, there is something that I want to tell you:

Kon is on Karin's Room. I'm sure that he is suffering right now. And hearing that makes me feel..... wonderful.

[</l\>]
10:00 AM
Place: Still in Ichigo's Room

Today, I woke up too early. Yeah, too early. But I won't get up for school. Because it's weekend. That also means that I have fulltime job of Shinigami. And that just making pain on the neck. Rukia still sleeping on her.... Closet. I can't believe it. She actually a Morning-People. But, not for today. I think she talks too much on the soul phone last night. I went downstairs for breakfast. But no one's there. A note is on the kitchen's table. :
_______________________________
Dear Ichigo,

We're going to visit Grandma at Tokyo. Oh, and if you mind look at your school calendar, you have a 1 month holiday. So, take care the house. We won't be there until 1 month is over.

Signed,
Dad, Karin, and Yuzu.

P.S. No breakfast. We're too busy packing up. - Karin
_______________________________

What?! NO BREAKFAST??!! Okay, that isn't a good thing.... I decided to wake Rukia. I ran and ran upstair to my room, and open the closet super hard so she will wake up. The power is too much, that even Rukia is sent flying from her futon. She notice that I'm the one who doing it. But, I'm sure she still half-sleeping. Funny isn't it?

"What is it, Ichigo?" she ask crankyly, wiping her eye.

"There is NO BREAKFAST! N-O-B-R-E-A-K-F-A-S-T!"

"What's teh big deal?"

I raised my eyebrow. 'teh?'? Seriously not her style. But I don't care about that. I reply her with her old fashioned Japanese. She certainly understand what I meant.

"THOU SHALT NOT WHINE! NO BREAKFAST MEANS NO FOOD!"

She finally get it. Now, she was fully-awaken. After she gets what I meant, she histerically answer;

"O-M-G! YOU SERIOUS?!"

"YES, I'M SERIOUS!"

Wait, O-M-G? Where did she learn that? Probably, Inoue. We're both histerically running around the house, and yelling some random things like "OMFG!" "HELP ME GOD OF FOOD!" We finally realized that we were crazy, and we finally stop.

"Ichigo, what are we going to do?"

"I dunno.... But, why are we super crazy 'bout this?"

"Because neither one of us can't cook?"

"Good question....."

And finally, we decided to call someone on our High School
[___________________________________________]
Section 2

We finished called all of our friends. It seems that all of their parents had been gone, too. And also, without Breakfast! Well, there is one people left to call: Jin. But I'm not sure if he has a parent or not. If he did, than why he's on street fights for years? But I'll called him anyway.

On the phone:

(Jin)"Hello?"

(Ichigo)"Hi, Jin. It's me, Ichigo."

"Ah, my twin little brother.... How ya doin', brotha?"

Is he joking? He started to talks like Jamaican. I'm totally lost. But I know what he meant.

"I'm fine."

"So, what's the problem?"

"None of the student in Karankura High has their parents home and with breakfast! This is just strange..."

"Then why don't you go to a Restaurant?"

"I don't know one."

"Hah? Oh well. You left your student card here in the AKFG room."

"Omg, really?"

"Yeah, and I found a restaurant near by your house. It's my friend's. Tell them my name and it's my treat."

"Really? But can I bring my friend, too?"

"Yeah, sure, why not? You don't know we're rich? But, just bring the one that come to my fight. I want to thank them."

"Oh, I see.... So, we're gonna meet each other there?"

"Yeah, of course."

"What's the restaurant's name?"

"Mizu's Okinamayaki."

"You serious? I heard of it before. It had the best Okinamayaki and other food! You really know them."

"Well, of course."

"Oh, alligatou-gozaimaz!"

"No prob. Meet me on 11AM. Eh, Ichi,"

"Yeah?"

"Act like my twin bro."

"Why?"

"I tell you later. Janne. (See ya.)"

"Janne."

I hang up. 'Act like my twin bro?' I had no problem with that. But why? Nowadays, I tell Rukia. She so excited, and she goes to the bathroom first. Maybe she got hyper. Too hyper. And that lefts me last turn to go to shower.

END CHAPTER 5
[______________:headbang _________________]
ITDG CORNER:
This chapter is a bit funnier than others. I'll be glad if you laugh. Comment plz...

[Undying]

It did mademe laugh.

You did good when it came to capturing the characters - Ichigo and Rukia were just themselves.

Check out your grammar though, since you're writing in 1st person past make sure you're writing it all in past.

[Tidus]

I see.... (I already decided that I'm not gonna have an editor. I kinda busy, and I can't really trust someone. :pp)

[Tidus]

Still, no comment...
________________________
Place: Mizu's Okinamayaki
(I'm thinking to make this whole story to be Ichigo's POV. So here it is.)
11:00 AM

I thought I never arrive. Rukia was on the bathroom way too long. I guess this is her first time she use the shower. I heard her singing. And it almost make me laughed out loud. Also, throw up. When she was on the shower, I called everyone. I thought the GOTEIs already go to SS. But they still on Urahara's Shoten. Still, they didn't tell me why they're still here. We didn't invite Kiego, Tatsuki, and Kojima. So, now we're on Mizu's, talking to each other while waiting for our seat.

(Jin)"Hey, brotha..."

(Ichigo)"Shut up..."

"What's the matter?"

He ask what's the matter? I dragged him to the nearest corner, and I ask him,

"Why the Heck is you ask for me to act like your brother?"

"WTH's wrong with it?"

Wow, good answer. But I still need a clear answer.

"Tell me the truth, Jin."

"Oh well. I'll told you. Look at the banner over there."

He points to a banner, which is sitting on a chair.
__________________
50% discount for twins!
And bonus 2 Okinamayaki!
__________________

Okay, that still didn't give me the answer I want.

"Jin, that's why you tell me to act like twins?"

"..... Maybe. But you don't need to act like one. You already look like one. I mean, we. Yes, we."

"I see....."

I tried to calm down. But you totally can see my head twitch 10x. But, Jin push it down. Of course, it hurts...

"OUCH!!!!!! Jin!"

"Eh? Sorry, sorry."

Wait, it hurts? Next time if Rukia twitch, I'll push it down!

(Rukia) "Oy, Ichigo! Jin! The seat is ready!"

(Jin and I) "Oh, okay."

We walked to the table. Accidently, we both sat next to each other.

(Me) "I'll move."

(Jin) "Don't bother. I'll move."

(Rangiku) "Stop, stop, stop, stop! Don't move! You guys both look good sitting next each other like that."

(Hitsu) "Yup, Matsumoto's right."

(Byakuka) "....."

(Yoruichi) "Wow...."

We both started to twitch. But, we didn't move. We decided we'll stay like that.
We discuss what we'll order. And here is the order:
--------------------------------
Okinamayaki: Every1
Ice Tea: Me, Jin, Inoue, Chad, Renji, and Hitsu. (Rangiku's the one who decided that Hitsu will have Ice Tea. And Hitsu is Hitsugaya.)
Hot Tea: Byakuka, Ishida, Soi Fong and Rangiku
Juice Box: Rukia.
Ramen: Me, Jin, and Inoue. (Inoue's with fish cake, mayonaise, and mustard. Eww.)
--------------------------------

We finished eating earlier than we thought. But I didn't care. You wonder about the bonus Okinamayaki, right? Guess what: We have a Jan-ken-pon contest. And the one who win eats 2 of it. Result:
1st Soi Fong (I can't believe it.)
2nd Jin
3rd Byakuka (He's good at it. Believe it.)
4rd Me
5th Rukia (She's twitching right now. And I'm pushing it.)
And it goes on...
Well, that's what I could tell you all.

Place: Ichigo's Home
12:00PM

"TADAIMA!" I said as I walked in to the house. But I just remember that no one's there. Suddenly, a reply is echoing through the living room.

"Oy, I-CHI-GO-SAN!"

I was seriously suprised. Who is it? It's not Karin. Neither Yuzu and Dad. They can't be home too early. A robber maybe? No way. She just to showy-offy to sneak out. "Show yourself!" Suddenly, I felt something on my shoulder. I look around. "Oh, it's you, Lolita...."

"How's your day, Kiddo?"

Another sound fills in the room. "Koro-san?"

"Yup, it's me! And you should call me Kuro-san."

"I see..... What are you guys doing here?"

They both glances at each other, thinking.... "Nothing much..."

"And how you came in here?"

They both smirk. Suddenly, they charged at me. Gasping my mouth, and grabbing my chest.

"Oppfhm-opphfmgh!"

"Just shut up, Ichi. We'll take care of you."

They run outside with me on their grab. What's going on?
[___________________________________]
END CHAPTER 6

Sorry if it's a bit messy. Someone annoys me here.

[Ai]

Lawl it's alright..

You just need to work on your grammatical problems and describe the scenes more.

At the moment its sounding very much like a movie script when it should read more like a descriptive novel or a fiction book. Read a goof fiction book you like and use that type of wording.

[Undying]

Agreed.

Aside from gramatical errors (mostly tenses), your style really does sound more like a movie or a play script... which is of course not right here since we won't be playing it any time soon ^^.

[Ai]

Agreed.

Aside from gramatical errors (mostly tenses), your style really does sound more like a movie or a play script... which is of course not right here since we won't be playing it any time soon ^^.

I dunno..I think you'd make a pretty good ichigo...:lol

[Undying]

Me? Ichigo? o_O how?