Reefern86
12-14-2006, 01:24 AM
Rememberance is a work of mine. It is a novel that I have been working on for close to two years now. What i was hoping to do here, is post certain parts of that novel that has been bothering me. Basically I need PPL's oppinions on the parts that I post here. I will start with the actuall begining to my story...I have rewritten it many times, and each time I dislike it and start over. This is the most recent version...and I was hoping to get some comments on it to see if it will be distroyed and recreated like all the others!
Preface...(first part involving the main character Tegh. There is more after, but this is the most troublesome part...)
Tegh stood silently at the top of the hill and waited for the sun to rise. Dawn was only minuets away and he watched as the sun’s fire torched the land beyond his view. He waited for that fire to reach the town below him, and prayed that the fire would wipe it from the face of the Earth. He pictured in his mind the flames annihilating every living being in the town. He felt no remorse for this demented dream because he felt they all deserved to die. The fire would cleanse them all, just as it had cleansed his father.
As he thought about his father he looked behind him to where the house had been. It was still aflame. Smoke billowed out of the widows, and the roof was beginning to collapse. Tegh could smell the smoke. It was mixed with the scent of blood and chaos. He liked the scent. It was the scent of freedom, and it signaled the end of torment. If only the whole town could contain that scent.
The sun broke above the horizon and Tegh decided it was time to go. He picked up his pack and walked away from the town and his flaming home. He didn’t want the town to suspect him of what he had done. That would lead to a certain death. His father had been a well liked man in the village, and his death wood come as a great blow. Tegh laughed at the thought. His father may have been the only priest in the town, but that not make him a good man.
Years ago his father had dragged them to this backwater town from the bigger city of Tashick. One of the few cities dedicated to the god of the light, Flame Bringer. His father had held the position of elder priest. His power had governed most of Tashick, but then Tegh’s mother came into the picture. She had been a very well known prostitute among the nobles of Tashick. It was not uncommon for her to work the priests, since they were the real power behind the city, but it was forbidden for an elder to be with any women. Tegh’s father had done it anyway. He believed that his power as Elder would allow him to get away with it, and he was right until Tegh’s birth.
Tegh’s mother came to his father and told him of the child. She wanted the child to grow up in the word that he belonged to and not as a prostitute’s son. Tegh’s father refused. He knew Tegh would jeopardize his passion as elder, so he order the child killed. This order proved his downfall. After the order was received it was brought to the second highest elder of the priesthood. He told the guards to seize the child, but not to harm him.
When the guards found the child they brought him to the second highest elder. He suspected Tegh’s father of wrong doing, but he never would have guessed the truth. He learned the truth soon though because he hired a mage to discover Tegh’s true identity. The second elder was overjoyed by the news and he immediately brought the information to the other elders. Tegh had been five years old when they had disposed of his father, and they made him leave Tashick. The priesthood had believed it to be only fair the Tegh grew up with his father, but they condemned Tegh to a childhood of pain.
Since Tegh’s father was no longer an elder he was forced down to the levels of a lowly priest. The elders forced him to this small village, and never allowed him to advance any further in the priesthood. None of the villagers had known about any of this. They just believed that Tegh’s father was an extremely dedicated priest. He had built the church with his own two hands, and he contributed to the village on every occasion. They had no reason to dislike him, and Tegh had to admit that his father had played the lowly priest role quite well.
It was in the house that his father was truly himself. He beat Tegh savagely, and often for no real reason at all. In his earlier years Tegh had just believed that he was being a bad boy. He made up accuses in his mind for why he was being beaten. All his life he had done this until a week ago.
After twelve years of exile an elder finally came to Tegh’s father. The elder had only come to gloat, but he had also been sent to enlighten Tegh. The priesthood wanted Tegh to join the fold, and so the elder told him the story of his father’s downfall as a lesson. That is when Tegh learned the whole story, and he finally understood his beatings. He had not done anything wrong except being born. That is also when Tegh first decided to fight back.
The two weeks after the elder had arrived were pure torture for Tegh. His father beat him harder then he ever had before. The elders mocking had brought back all of his fathers fury, and like always he brought it to bear on Tegh. To the villagers Tegh’s father acted the same as he always did. He helped everyone with their problems and was quick to smile and offer aid. Tegh’s bruises went unnoticed.
Tegh smiled thinking back. The village’s ignorance was astounding. They only believed what they wanted to believe and nothing Tegh had ever done had changed that. The entire town thought of Tegh as a delinquent. He rebelled against his father, and the conformity of the town, and of course that labeled him a lair and a thief. Any time there was a disturbance in the village Tegh was immediately at the top of the suspect list, and he had spent more then his fair share of time in the village’s small jail cell. Thinking back, Tegh now realized that the entire reason he had been that way was to find an excuse for his father to beat him.
Tegh stop walking to think on this new revelation. It finally all made sense. He had never really thought about it before, and now it seemed that the gods had cleared up the fog in his mind. His past was no longer a mystery and the rest of his life lay ahead of him. All he had to do was find a path and walk it. And luckily for him he was already on one.
Tegh laughed and started out again. He knew where he was going to go now. He was going to walk the path that his father had despised his whole life. He was going to become a dark priest, a follower of Sheddie. The cult that followed the exact opposite of everything the priests of the light believed. It seemed a fitting tribute to his father. The bastard would roll over in his grave…the flaming remains of his home.
Preface...(first part involving the main character Tegh. There is more after, but this is the most troublesome part...)
Tegh stood silently at the top of the hill and waited for the sun to rise. Dawn was only minuets away and he watched as the sun’s fire torched the land beyond his view. He waited for that fire to reach the town below him, and prayed that the fire would wipe it from the face of the Earth. He pictured in his mind the flames annihilating every living being in the town. He felt no remorse for this demented dream because he felt they all deserved to die. The fire would cleanse them all, just as it had cleansed his father.
As he thought about his father he looked behind him to where the house had been. It was still aflame. Smoke billowed out of the widows, and the roof was beginning to collapse. Tegh could smell the smoke. It was mixed with the scent of blood and chaos. He liked the scent. It was the scent of freedom, and it signaled the end of torment. If only the whole town could contain that scent.
The sun broke above the horizon and Tegh decided it was time to go. He picked up his pack and walked away from the town and his flaming home. He didn’t want the town to suspect him of what he had done. That would lead to a certain death. His father had been a well liked man in the village, and his death wood come as a great blow. Tegh laughed at the thought. His father may have been the only priest in the town, but that not make him a good man.
Years ago his father had dragged them to this backwater town from the bigger city of Tashick. One of the few cities dedicated to the god of the light, Flame Bringer. His father had held the position of elder priest. His power had governed most of Tashick, but then Tegh’s mother came into the picture. She had been a very well known prostitute among the nobles of Tashick. It was not uncommon for her to work the priests, since they were the real power behind the city, but it was forbidden for an elder to be with any women. Tegh’s father had done it anyway. He believed that his power as Elder would allow him to get away with it, and he was right until Tegh’s birth.
Tegh’s mother came to his father and told him of the child. She wanted the child to grow up in the word that he belonged to and not as a prostitute’s son. Tegh’s father refused. He knew Tegh would jeopardize his passion as elder, so he order the child killed. This order proved his downfall. After the order was received it was brought to the second highest elder of the priesthood. He told the guards to seize the child, but not to harm him.
When the guards found the child they brought him to the second highest elder. He suspected Tegh’s father of wrong doing, but he never would have guessed the truth. He learned the truth soon though because he hired a mage to discover Tegh’s true identity. The second elder was overjoyed by the news and he immediately brought the information to the other elders. Tegh had been five years old when they had disposed of his father, and they made him leave Tashick. The priesthood had believed it to be only fair the Tegh grew up with his father, but they condemned Tegh to a childhood of pain.
Since Tegh’s father was no longer an elder he was forced down to the levels of a lowly priest. The elders forced him to this small village, and never allowed him to advance any further in the priesthood. None of the villagers had known about any of this. They just believed that Tegh’s father was an extremely dedicated priest. He had built the church with his own two hands, and he contributed to the village on every occasion. They had no reason to dislike him, and Tegh had to admit that his father had played the lowly priest role quite well.
It was in the house that his father was truly himself. He beat Tegh savagely, and often for no real reason at all. In his earlier years Tegh had just believed that he was being a bad boy. He made up accuses in his mind for why he was being beaten. All his life he had done this until a week ago.
After twelve years of exile an elder finally came to Tegh’s father. The elder had only come to gloat, but he had also been sent to enlighten Tegh. The priesthood wanted Tegh to join the fold, and so the elder told him the story of his father’s downfall as a lesson. That is when Tegh learned the whole story, and he finally understood his beatings. He had not done anything wrong except being born. That is also when Tegh first decided to fight back.
The two weeks after the elder had arrived were pure torture for Tegh. His father beat him harder then he ever had before. The elders mocking had brought back all of his fathers fury, and like always he brought it to bear on Tegh. To the villagers Tegh’s father acted the same as he always did. He helped everyone with their problems and was quick to smile and offer aid. Tegh’s bruises went unnoticed.
Tegh smiled thinking back. The village’s ignorance was astounding. They only believed what they wanted to believe and nothing Tegh had ever done had changed that. The entire town thought of Tegh as a delinquent. He rebelled against his father, and the conformity of the town, and of course that labeled him a lair and a thief. Any time there was a disturbance in the village Tegh was immediately at the top of the suspect list, and he had spent more then his fair share of time in the village’s small jail cell. Thinking back, Tegh now realized that the entire reason he had been that way was to find an excuse for his father to beat him.
Tegh stop walking to think on this new revelation. It finally all made sense. He had never really thought about it before, and now it seemed that the gods had cleared up the fog in his mind. His past was no longer a mystery and the rest of his life lay ahead of him. All he had to do was find a path and walk it. And luckily for him he was already on one.
Tegh laughed and started out again. He knew where he was going to go now. He was going to walk the path that his father had despised his whole life. He was going to become a dark priest, a follower of Sheddie. The cult that followed the exact opposite of everything the priests of the light believed. It seemed a fitting tribute to his father. The bastard would roll over in his grave…the flaming remains of his home.