Untitled #4

[Mighty Aramir]

For this one i decided to try a more technical style... lets see how it goes =/
On this cold night
I lay restless in bed,
illuminated only by candlelight
rememebering the last words you said...

Moonlight shines through the glass
and my heart shrinks in pain.
I should have never allowed it to pass
and I silently cry your name.

The good times I remember,
the bad times as well.
Her soul will accompany me forever
for my knife took her life away...

[II Xion II]

Not bad at all. If I could suggest one thing though, use a different rhyming scheme (instead of ABAB for the first two stanzas) for future poems. The ABAB rhyming scheme can sound a little mechanical and forced at times, so it is always useful to make something more exotic or different. Don't be afraid about rhyming, some of the best poems have very odd rhyming patterns (check out Edgar Allen Poe's "Ulalume"). I know that all poems are different, but that is just my personal feelings. Also, as I like to say, the more allusions, metaphors, and symbols, the better.

But overall, a good poem, and the last stanza was extremely interesting both stylistically and technically.

[Ai]

Nice idea, However the last line doesn't really fit the rest of the poem, Think of a different ending and the flow should go extremely well, Looking forward to more of your poetry.

Nice work