Heads up

[mr.fuzz101]

this is my first entry..tell me wat ya think.critiqes are good too!
--------------------------------------------------------------------jeff

It all comes down to this.
Your left hand of termination.
This is a stand off.
A time to shiver.
Stand before your executioner.
A shadow.

Take one, take caution.
Take two, take me out.
A clumsy reaction.
I wont take cover.
Take one for you.

Heads up im falling.
Heads up it hurts.
Heads up im coming,
with the sweetest void in me.

Tips and toes, Airborn touching ground.
Take a deep breath and flood with you.
Take myself to fit you in...
Alway's waiting,
longing for a place to be...
a broken heart disease.

[Isis]

I liked the last three lines. Possibly the first thing to do is not use commas and fullstops at the end of a line. By putting the next sentence onto another line, that already suggests a rest. By putting them on, it stops the flow. There's a pretty good concept behind this poem. Just lotsa trial and error :)

[mr.fuzz101]

thx...yea thats really helpful.ill keep that in mind.:biggrinki

[>BANKAI RIROU<]

that so good i think inever that poetry before...........
never give up to make poetry

[mr.fuzz101]

thx for the comment.ill be adding more soon.

[boredomlover93]

wow i like your type of poetry. i couldnt string two words together even if my life depended on it ==" *envies all those who are posting up poems*

[mr.fuzz101]

keep a lookout for my stuff.is it really that confusing

[mr.fuzz101]

what else do you guys think i can work on?