PDA

View Full Version : First Fanfic..Sux On My Standards =[


The'Galin
03-26-2007, 11:36 PM
He stood, with menacing eyes, the eyes of a demon, peering down at the countless rotting bodies that lay on the dark and gloomy battlefield before him.

He then looked up at the blood red sky. It seemed like it was crying. Or rather the whole world was crying.

Never had he thought that it would come to this, as he looked back on the sad painful, but also warming memories of a family, who loved him.

He felt like he actually had a place in life. But that..Was a long time ago. He now stuck his gaze upon his blood dripping blade.

It seemed as if he could feel the pain of all the families, all the people, that were feeling pain, in which they had received from the loss of loved and cherished people taken at the mercy of that very blade.

He chuckled, with a slight bit of sarcasim. He started walking, the laughter growing louder and louder with each step; he was now at a full sprint.

He stopped suddenly and knelt down on the blood stained dirt and examined the body in which layed before him.

He un-named victim had on a white gown with red patterns running down the end. A tilted hat lay upon the floor next to him. His blond hair shone in the late dawn. Lifeless blue eyes stared up at him as if granting forgiveness.

A Konoha headband was tied tightly onto the body's forehead. He ran his left hand slowly along the bodies cheecks.

A single tear rolled down his right eye. After a several minutes of sitting and staring with a cold expression on his face, he stood up.

His eyes had changed now. They seemed....Complete.

A figure crept up behind him and put a single pale hand on his shoulder. He stared with a evil menacing grin at the newly changed eyes and said,

"Yes...they will finally be mine...The powers of the Uchiha clan!"

Jeem
03-27-2007, 01:37 AM
Hmmm, not bad. The sentences are pretty fluent, so it's definately easy to read. The descriptions of the setting and such are pretty thorough, as well. However, there are a few grammatical/spelling errors such as:

the laughter growing louder and louder with each step, he was now at a full sprint
The comma should be a semi colon because the two parts can work as independent sentences.

onto the bodies forehead
"bodies" should be "body's" because it's possesive.

If you're not already, I would suggest typing these into a program like Microsoft Word; that would fix most of the grammatical and spelling errors.

The'Galin
03-28-2007, 03:49 AM
thx, ill fix thos, as I already said this is my first fan fic, and I plan on making more, o and special thanks to Decado for letting me adopt his style of writing.