Of Vaizard and Soul Reaper [Part 1]

[.System]

This the first part of a series i am writing, this is my first fan fic so bear with me :sad

Of Vaizard and Soul Reaper

Part 1

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Darkness covered the once peaceful land of the Soul Society, all the denizens were now asleep, and those who were not; well, let’s just say they have ways of ignoring their sleeplessness.

Foolish Soul Reapers, they think they are so secure, hiding under their precious
gate, soon they shall realize their folly...

A dark figure rested atop a tree, looking at the huge gates, he was interested in not the gates themselves but their guardians, the night shift were probably used to nothing happening so the element of surprise will be on his side tonight.

Better get ready, if victory is to be mine i ought to be prepared for it...

The Figure stood up and leaped from the tree, his landing was not as soft as he planned and the sound of a twig snapping echoed around the valley like a bat shriek in a vast cave.

“What was that?” asked one of the gate guards, now alert.
“Relax Kanji, you seem on edge tonight, it was probably a bird” replied the other.
Kanji let out a sigh, “Your right Shina, i just hate this job, nothing ever happens anyway”
“Don’t worry, i heard this job has its own perks”

The figure crept stealthily across the plains, using the shadows made by the trees to his advantage, a bloodthirsty look in his eyes.

Hah! Those Soul Reapers did not even pay attention to the noise i made, better not make any more mistakes...

Moving even closer the figure could clearly define the two guards, a man and a woman, the man seemed young, probably new to his squad, the woman seemed older and more experienced.

I will need them to open the gate, the woman would have to do, the man i could dispose...

“Man im dying for a fight, sometimes i wish i was in 11th squad” moaned Kanji
“You would regret it, trust me” replied Shina

Shina noticed something move at the corner of her eye, she could have sworn it, probably a squirrel.

She noticed me, she is better than i thought...

The figure reached the wall, pressing himself close he began to slowly slide towards the two Soul Reapers.

I’m going to enjoy this...

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Any comments on how to improve would be appreciated, thanks for reading :)

[Jeem]

Looks pretty interesting so far; stylistically it flows pretty well. The only thing I noticed was some sentences that were kind of "run-ons". For example:
A dark figure rested atop a tree, looking at the huge gates, he was interested in not the gates themselves but their guardians, the night shift were probably used to nothing happening so the element of surprise will be on his side tonight.


This would be more effective, imo, with a priod after gates and a semi colon after guradians, so it would read "A dark figure rested atop a tree, looking at the huge gates. He was not interested in the gates themselves but their guardians; the night shift were probably...".

Long sentences are good, but are more effective when varied with sentences of other length (and it helps to break up some really long sentences to make it easier to read). I think some other sentences were a bit lengthy as well. Otherwise, pretty good stuff so far.

[.System]

Thanks...

Going to write the other parts soon, when i have enough time :)

[Kay™]

hmm it is interesting...hope you can update soon so i can know what is about my detail

[Kodoku]

Lucky you, my first crit on this forum. Don't take it as harsh, there are good intentions.

Darkness covered the once peaceful land of the Soul Society, all the denizens were now asleep, and those who were notShould be "as for those who were not"; well, let’s just say they have ways of ignoring their sleeplessness.

Foolish Soul Reapers, they think they are "They think that they're" would flow better, methinks so secure, hiding under"behind" might be a better word their precious gate, soon they shall realize their folly...

A dark figure rested atop a tree, looking at the huge gates, he was wasn't interested in not get rid of "not" the gates themselves but their guardians, semi colon the night shift were probably used to nothing happening comma so the element of surprise will be on his side tonight.

Better get ready, if victory is to be mine i caps lock for the "I" ought to be prepared for it...

The Figure No need for capitals on the "figure" stood up and leaped technically should be "leapt" from the tree, full stop and new sentance would be better here, or add some form of connective his landing was not as soft as he planned and the sound of a twig snapping echoed around the valley like a bat shriekeither "bat's" or "shrieking", one or the other in a vast cave. This is purely opinion, but I fail to see the connection between a bat shrieking and a twig snapping, the sounds are too different. Personally, I'd go for some other way of putting it. Top marks for imagination though.

“What was that?” asked one of the gate guards, now alert.
“Relax Kanji, you seem on edge tonight, it was probably a bird” replied the other.
Kanji let out a sigh, “Your Should be "You're" right Shina, icaps lock just hate this job, nothing ever happens anyway”
“Don’t worry, i caps lock heard this job has its own perks” the speech here is sort of unnatural, try to make it flow a little more. Also, your story is from the point of view of 'the figure', so you should in some way suggest he is hearing this, or listening in.

The figure crept stealthily across the plains, using the shadows made by the trees plains generally don't have trees for cover, you're contradicting yourself to his advantage, should be a "with" in herea bloodthirsty look in his eyes.

Hah! Those Soul Reapers did not I'd prefer "didn't" even pay attention to the noise i caps lock made, "though I" would do well in herebetter not make any more mistakes...

Moving even closer the figure could clearly define the two guards, a man and a woman, full stop, the next sentance is near enough unrelated the man seemed young, probably new to his squad, I'd add in a "though" the woman seemed older and more experienced.

I will "I'll" would sound better need them to open the gate, semi colon the woman would have to do, the man i caps lock could dispose need an "of"...

“Man im I'm dying for a fight, sometimes i caps lock wish i caps lock was in 11th generally in a story, like this, you write out numbers, so "eleventh" squad” moaned Kanji full stop
“You would You'd regret it, trust me” replied Shina full stop

Shina noticed something move at the corner of her eye, she could have sworn it, probably a squirrel. This is from Shina's point of view, while the rest of the story is from 'the figure's'. It should follow on consistentently Put something like "Shina suddenly glanced round towards him, as if she had noticed something out of the corner of her eye." Something like that.

She noticed me, she is She's better than i caps lockthought...

The figure reached the wall, pressing himself close to it he began to slowly slide towards the two Soul Reapers. You jumped there. One minute someone was looking at you, the next that's forgotten and you're moving on. You need to add something about Shina dismissing it as her imagination or something.

I’m going to enjoy this...


So, generally I'd say this was quite good. Most of the above are minor mistakes that a quick spell/grammar check in word would fix. the storyline is generally fine, though I'm always dubious about keeping the names of the protagonist secret. A couple of point of view or continuity problems, but again, they're only small ones, and easy to fix. Overall, well done, and keep going with it.