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Insight
07-09-2007, 01:02 PM
hi i'm posting my first bleach fanfic here.
it's set after the winter war and is called insight (note i named myself after the fanfic not the fanfic after me, i'm not that egotistical.)

hope you like.
It was cold. Unnaturally so, even I could feel it, but you got used to it.
A side effect of the war and the return of a king to the world. His sword guard which had won the war for us.
Victory had been ours, the hated enemy defeated after so long.
No longer did we have to live in fear. No longer did we have to deal with their threat.
We had won.
We no longer had to live outside the real world, but could stay here as we pleased, do as we pleased….eat what we pleased.

“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH”
I screamed violently against my will, unable to control myself, as power pounded down on me
This reiatsu, what the hell. A Hollow? Why was there such a strong hollow reiatsu around? Was it an espada? Some had survived. Had one returned to the real world?
This power made an unfamiliar and unwelcome feeling return.
FEAR.
I had finally been freed of it but now, it was brought back. Instinctive fear I wanted it removed. Never had I hungered for anything so much, but this…feeling destroyed.
I must find it's source. Whoever it is, I don’t care.

I flashed across the ground stopping just far away enough to avoid the reiatsu crushing me. I could just see in the distance the central figure no bigger then those around him.
Wait shapes around him, even this close I couldn’t sense them, their reiatsu so completely obscured by this hollow one.
But wait this figure was clothed in black, not white like an espada. Had it changed it's look. A mockery to the shinigami perhaps.
But this black was unnatural and the figure moved so fast. Faster then shunpo or soinido, and the blackness, as though light itself couldn’t keep up. But was sucked in, as were the figures around it sucked in and crushed by this demon.
Figures which had seemed familiar.
And the mask. The glinting of a mask stood out against the black.

The massacre was over quicker then a flash.
“AAARRRRGGGHHH” my scream out loud again. But I couldn’t help it. I had seen into it’s eyes, such terrible eyes. Eyes of death. Black and bottomless.
I had been heard.
RUN!
BAM.
I had barely turned and it was right in front of me. This demon.

“What are you?” I hissed my voice full of an unnatural malice.
“A shinigami” it replied, with even more malice and a smile of enjoyment on it’s face.
“Don’t make me laugh; you are a bigger demon then I” feeling myself starting to tremble. “There are no more shinigami left. We won.”
“We shall see, hollow”
“HISS!” I unfurled myself snakelike. “You shall fall. You cannot fight our tide shinigami. You are one of the last and we grow stronger by the day, feeding”
“And I will destroy you all” his sword swept up and fiery orange hair swept down.

I awoke, my breathing heavy and shivered and not from the cold but from what I had just seen…and felt.
I looked out across the endless nothingness. The void. It was the site of our great victory. The new King, Aizen had ascended here, along with his swords.
Were once there had been a town now only a huge gapping maw. This hole sucked in everything.
Heat, People and even Time.

Staying by it for too long was very dangerous, it could suck you in. But the reward had been worth the risk.
Insight.
Insight into the future.
That dream a vision of what was to come. I had foreseen my death.
“HAHAHAHA”.
I would leave this site of reflective glory to Feed; To grow strong and become a demon.
I would DESTROY that shinigami!

i want to know what you think but don't want useless "i liked it" or "i didn't like it" so i have some questions and would be grateful if you could answer them.

what do you think of the general idea.
any thoughts for improving my writing style.
what do you think to the setting and the idea of the maw and time.
what did you think to the main character bieng a hollow.
was it unexpected and did you like the hints to it.
finaly should i write more in this story, write about something different or give up writing completely
thanks a lot.
hope you enjoy

InsanesnakeShinigami
07-09-2007, 01:42 PM
Wow, I really liked this story!

I loved the unusual veiwpoint, and, man, what a plot twist!
I only noticed a few grammatical errors, none too big though...
I think you should finish this fanfic, seems very good!
It's going to be hard to get into the mindset of the main character though.

Rayster
07-12-2007, 04:00 AM
Since you requested, I'd be happy to C&C.
“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH”
I screamed violently against my will, unable to control myself, as power pounded down on me
---
“HISS!”
---
“HAHAHAHA”.

Sounds/screams such as “AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH” shouldn't really be in a fic. It's not so much what a character is thinking.. more a sound that can be described.

I hissed/laughed rather than "HISS!" etc <-- more can be added to the italiced description

BAM.
Same deal here. The BAM means nothing.. more so what you'd see as a sound effect in a manga. You didn't say whether this bam was the character colliding or not, merely that he stood in front.


“What are you?” I hissed my voice full of an unnatural malice.
Comma needed after 'I hissed'

“Don’t make me laugh; you are a bigger demon then I” feeling myself starting to tremble. “There are no more shinigami left. We won.”
"Feeling myself...." sentence is incomplete. You could say: 'I said/cried/laughed, feeling myself...' or, describe something at the end of the sentence.

I awoke, my breathing heavy and shivered and not from the cold but from what I had just seen
repeated use of "and" - which isn't prohibited, it's just misused here.
For eg, the sentence would be better structured as:

I awoke, my breathing heavy, shivering not from the cold but from what I had just seen

- as an example.

huge gapping maw.
typo: gaping

That dream a vision of what was to come
Again, sentence structure

Instinctive fear I wanted it removed
Also here







Your writing is good, the greatest aspect you should focus on is just grammar/sentence structure, and use of descriptions.








what do you think of the general idea.
what did you think to the main character bieng a hollow.
It's a good idea. I never enjoy writing my fanfics from the POV of the main lead. My fanfics that are in the fanfic section, unseen due to the timelength from the last post probably, are from Ulquiorra/Inoue's POV (4) and from completely new characters in the Bleach world.


GJ so far =)

Insight
07-12-2007, 11:38 AM
^thanks so much man. that was exactly what i wanted someone who knows there stuff to give me a critque on the way i write seen as this is a first for me.

yeah i knew that grammar etc would be a probelm as i find it hard to write something and consider that the reader dosn't have my knowledge, and therefore it dosn't make sense to them.

so far then, i'm the problem not the story concept which is really good so i will be able to continue it.

thanks again P. and thanks to you ISS.