Poetry Battle #1: Taraq vs. 4thseal. [VOTING AND DISCUSSION]

[Artemis]

Congratulations on seeing the first poetry battle within the Poetry Corner.

Okay this is how it's going to go...

Competitors: Taraq and 4thseal

Judges: You. By voting in the poll.

Prizes: +rep and 100vBux Points from the loser

Rules: CLICK HERE (http://forums.bleachportal.net/showpost.php?p=1860040&postcount=3)

Poems:

Deep Blue Sky
By Taraqs

Sour, sweet

As I look into the deep blue sky
Way way far and wide
Wondering just one thing
Why birds fly and sing.
As I kept looking into the deep blue sky
Wondering about that same thing
I felt something hit me from way way high
And now I know why they fly and sing.

--------------------

Sour, sweet
By 4thSeal

She left like
broken grass
withered and grey—
as if every breath
smelt of sweet, sour death.

Left me like
liquid glass,
lost in the days
when I was the sand
in her fragile hand.

Now, I crawl
over sharp thoughts
of the past. They
cut my skin, drawing
my love near.

All is fall.
With her I rot.
Dream of the day
when I hold my darling—
sweet love nears.

--------------------

Vote via polls.
The deadline to vote will be on the 5th of August.

If you vote, you are expected to leave a comment to help improve the standard of the contestant's poems.

Thanks,
Scorch

[Bamboobie]

Taraq,
Your poem just didn't catch me. After reading it over and over, there just doesn't seem to be the meaning behind it. The last 4 lines of the poem are longer than the rest, this throws off the flow a bit.

4thseal,
I like this poem. Your use of descriptive words is excellent. I like how you compare yourself to sand and liquid glass. And after reading it a couple of times, I got the meaning behind it.

4th got my vote.

[Artemis]

Taraq, you've got to work with your spacing and rhythmic timing.
Splitting the verses into stanzas/groupings. It adds to the breathing time, which makes poems flow better.

Good job though.

4thseal, you've done great. Your splitting and stanzas and rhythmic spacings are really good. Impressive, even.

This is just a suggestion, because the poem is more Free Verse than anything else, it isn't really necessary. Anyway, you could add a two-liner ending towards the poems. It finishes the poem as it kind of 'seals' it.

I've voted.

[DJ StarScream]

Ok I hae alo of work on it seems like.

[Artemis]

Taraqs, please pay 4thseal the money you owe and the rep.
Thank you.

/close.