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anubis24354
08-31-2007, 05:07 AM
This is a poem in four parts. I think that I've done just a handful (two or three) revisions thus far. I'm trying to post some of my more recent works on here in an attempt to get back in the writing spirit. All comments are welcome, be they praise or criticism. I'm not one to get angry over honest criticism, just be polite.

I

Such energy!
Such enthusiasm!
I am alive!

I walk and I talk with my lover's hand held high.
The days are too short,
And the nights need to grow,
For my now livid soul wants this passion onward to go!

I see all the beauty,
In the grass and the leaves.
I see the diamonds,
In the sunset's bright streams.
The river it sings,
Ballads and prose.
My heart, with each beat,
Grows and grows.

My lover, she‘s precious,
The most beautiful of all.
She is a queen set upon rubies,
Emeralds and gold.
She has the wit,
To challenge Donne.
And kindness unmatched,
By even a nun.

Today I have been given,
A most wonderful gift.
Today I have been shown,
What life truly is!

II

Rest has now come,
As we sit in our home.
We watch and we wait.
Speaking almost as if alone.

But we bask in the best of life,
The subtle joys still.
Just our presence,
Is enough to fill.

Though our hair may be grayed,
And wrinkles now show.
Our intelligence dimmed,
And energy gone.
We love like we did,
At the sunrise of life.
For knowledge has become us.
Wise we are in life.

We know now that just
A smile can say,
What words cannot do
In a thousand days.
Appreciation comes,
And shows us the way.
Carnal thoughts lost their pleasure
(well, on most days).

No one has known,
What it is to live life.
No one has known,
Until they have a wife.


III

Tears are shed now,
As I hold her hand.
Her face starts to pale,
As quakes take over the land.

The sun is setting,
Over the mountains and hills.
Showing her that view,
That pumps our blood still.

She smiles and cries,
That same look in her eyes,
I kiss her lips now,
And hear her last sigh.

My heart stops ice cold,
I utter her name.
What has happened
In this . . . the Darkest of days?

pain floods in,
as I know she is gone.
my heart feels her here,
In spirit alone.

Days pass . . . repeatedly I walk,
Away from the mound,
Those reds left behind,
To remind of sands fallen down.

I live in the past,
For the clouds would kill,
I dream in illusion.
And wake from the hill.

Though she is now gone,
I still feel her at my side.
Though she is now gone,
She will always be My wife.



IV

Years have gone by,
And I feel no more.
The sunset is that,
And the leaves just a bore.

My eyes have been dry,
And my heart all but stopped.
The clock on the wall,
In my constant watch.

The songs of my youth,
All but vanished and gone,
February brings a hate,
Instead of the lavish old songs.

In the mirror I see,
A canyon and fires.
My sleep brings no dreams,
Just empty desires.

Grown cold and alone,
From my abandonment here.
I wonder and walk,
Alone in the fields.

Then such a pain,
Flat and compressed,
My vision goes awry,
I feel few breaths.

But a light shines in,
And burns away the days.
I see her waiting,
With the red from the grave.

I call out and run,
In embrace light floods valleys,
I feel all the power,
Of the dawned era renewed.

She whispers ‘but wait,
And return for now,’
I smile and nod yes,
Then ascend from the clouds.

So now I here sit,
Enjoying the prose,
And now I here sit,
Waiting for her rose.

Isis
08-31-2007, 11:33 AM
Wow, thats an amazing poem :) I love the imagery but there are a lot of gramatical mistakes.
I walk and I talk with my lovers hand held high.
Lovers should be lover's. Lovers just make it plural and it doesnt work with your second part.

In the sunsets bright streams.
Again, sunset's instead of sunsets.

My lover she‘s precious,
There should be a comma in between lover and she's because the flow works better when there is a pause.

She is a queen sat upon rubies,
Its alright for a poem to have past and present tense but to have it on the same line will confuse the reader.

But we bask in the better of life,
I dont particularly get your sentence although I know what you mean. It might be better to revise the word 'better'.

She will always be My wife.
There isn't a need to have a capital M in my.

Another suggestion that might work to your benefit. By putting another sentence into another line, you are already structuring your poem to have a pause so there isn't a need to have commas at the end of a line. Sometimes you may need it but looking at the poem, the only time you actually need it is when you put a full stop. Overall, I loved it. Please share us more of your works :)

Lex
08-31-2007, 11:38 AM
Oh...wow, stunning! I wish I could write poetry like this!

anubis24354
09-04-2007, 02:41 AM
There isn't a need to have a capital M in my.
Another suggestion that might work to your benefit. By putting another sentence into another line, you are already structuring your poem to have a pause so there isn't a need to have commas at the end of a line. Sometimes you may need it but looking at the poem, the only time you actually need it is when you put a full stop. Overall, I loved it. Please share us more of your works :)

The capital M is just for emphasis, unlike the rest of the grammar mistakes you pointed out it was actually intentional :P.

As for the whole comma-period thing. I just do that because I like how it looks. Purely an asthetic move.

Thanks for the critique, I actually went back in and edited the grammar points (and the whole better thing, kinda had a hard time finding a good word to get what I was wanting across at that point as it was, but I think it's at least a bit better now). That was very helpful because grammar is a weak point of mine (that and I tend to ignore grammar completly when writing, nor do I really go through and edit my poetry that often, nor do I pay much attention when I do, I forget that I see it the way I want it reguardless of weather or not it's written down that way :P).

I have one other of my poems posted, it's titled The Wolf, I dunno if it'd be so easy to find now, though.

Thanks to both of you (Mirage and Lex) for the comments, :), always makes me happy to know people are reading my works.

Isis
09-04-2007, 04:34 AM
XD Were they? Lol, well thanks for pointing them out haha. It doesn't matter if grammar isnt your forte, you'll always have kind, nice people like us pointing it out for you. We want you to improve and continue your poetry ^^