The Case of the Missing Magazines.

[Seff]

Road trotted along the hallways of the Earl's mansion, a small handful of magazines and books gripped tightly by her side. She whistled, heading for the Dining Room. She was quite content, a smile on her face. She'd just done something that would allow her to irritate Dies constantly, and possibly blackmail him. She was just waiting for the right time to stri...

As she rounded the corner in the hallway, Dies whizzed out behind her, pulling a large brown sack over her eyes. He pulled it down further, over her small body before tying the end with a thin piece of string. The bag wobbled around visciously, the creature inside clearly muttering incomprehensible death threats. Dies cackled sadistically, throwing the bag over his shoulder.

Road had been really irritating him lately. She constantly made snide remarks around him, and played practical jokes far too often. Not only that, but she purposley ate all of Dies' favourite food before he could make it to the dining room, and kept advising the Earl on measures to contain the unstopable vortex of (culinary) destruction that was Kujaku.

Yeah, well she'd gone one step too far.

Dies opened a small portal with a wave of his hand, stepping outside of the Earl's mansion and dragging Road, contained in the bag, with him.


* * *

The sailor was Russian. Maybe Polish. No, definately Russian.

Well, he could be Korean, Dies admitted to himself.

The man in front of him was dressed in a scrawny pirate's outfit, and his long, haggled beard acted like a net for various bits of food and dandruff. His breath reeked of what could only be described as a mixture of Vodka and an Organic Butouloburger. Dies called it Division By Zero. Upon his head was a black balaclava, and he carried a small katana strapped to his back.

"Aight..." The Pirate Ninja spoke with the tones of someone who has multiple lung cancers. Dies waited patiently for him to stop coughing. "*wheeze* Sorry 'bout that, meester. Aight, if ya be wannin' mes to take this 'ere package o'er to.. er, where was it agains?"

Dies sighed patiently.
"Saudia Arabia, please."

"Avast! That'll be the one, right thar meester. Yaaar... that'll be a simple payment o' 5 pieces o' eight. And... are ye sure ye dinnae wan' insurance?"

Dies chucked him the gold.

"Definately not. In fact, i'll pay you extra to loose h- It, on the way there."

The pirate ninja chuckled, tipping his balaclava to Dies and going into a deep courtsey.

"Consider it done, meester. Captain Willian Belguas Tony Martini Toyata Playstation three the Fourth, at your service."

Dies walked away. Road woul no longer be a problem. And now... he felt like relieving himself.

Clicking his fingers, he opened a portal back to the Earl's world.

[Seff]

Dies stepped into his room. It was still lightly lit in vibrant purple tones, just the way he liked it. He contemplated on how his plan had gone down, and he was generally very happy. He glanced back at his door, noticing the small cracks and splinters in the wood. Dies glared into space. He would have to call a service Akuma.

Groping around by his bedside, he found the small phone that linked directly to the Earl's household staff. He dialled the number and waited.

"Hola, Guten tag, Nee hao, and hello. This is the Earl's household services, how can i help."

"My door is broken again. Get someone down here to fix it."

"I'm sorry Sir, but all of our registered door-fixers are busy at the moment."

"FIND ME A BLOODY DOOR FIXER, YOU USELESS FOOL!"

"Now now Sir, the temper won't make this go any faster. Can i interest you in our premium services offer while you wait?"

Dies slammed the phone down onto the reciever. Fustrated, he looked around for his dirty magazines.

"That's funny... i could have sworn they were under the bed."

For some ironic reason, Dies seemed to remember that Road was carrying several magazine shaped objects... He looked again at the cracks in the door, and the realization dawned that his porno magazines were about to be shipped to Saudi Arabia.

"RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD!!"

[Seff]

Dies teleported to the port, relieved to see that Willian Belguas Tony Martini Toyata Playstation three the Fourth's ship was still moored. He approached the captain, who was standing on deck with a hulking female assistant. Willian noticed Dies as the Noah approached, hailing him.

"Ah, meester Dies! Might i introduce you to my First Mate;"

The woman turned round to reveal a face covered in hideous black make up. She spoke in a dry, dulcet tone, and her expression didn't change it.

"The Emo *****ette."

Her line said, she turned back to the sea. Willian hopped down from his perch and whispered in Dies' ear.

"She ain't a tawker, but i tell ye wurt, she's amazing in yer hammock. Yer's fer twenty pieces o' eight, meester."

Dies sighed, pushing the Pirate Ninja captain away from him.

"Captain Willian-"

"Willian Belguas Tony Martini Toyata Playstation three the Fourth." The pirate ninja interupted Dies. "Sorreh meester, i be liking the full name." He smiled heartily.

"Yes, yes." Dies brushed his T-shirt in an effort to remove the essence of Willian from his person. "Captain, do you remember that package i gave ye- i mean you?"

"Argh, that i do. The talking, wriggling package, aye?"

"Talking?"

"Aye. 'Twas along the lines of... "DIES, I'M GUNNA KILL YE!" O' summin' thataways."

Dies twitched. This was going to be painful.

"I need that package back."

"It's in the ol' Middle Eastern place, meester."

"That's impossible, i gave you the package not ten minutes since-"

"Argh, but this sheep be havin' a secret."

"A what?"

Willian leaned close, whispering again in Dies' ear. "It be a flyin' sheep."

Dies scoffed. "Get a grip of yourself, man."

Willian was taken aback by Dies' denial, pointing around the deck.

"There be the proton lasers, and the starboard thrusters, up top be the ol' galaxy map with the instant positionin', and we gots the lightspeed engine down the bottom if ye wants a look."

"No, that's quite alright."

Between the pirate's antics and the sudden revelation about the ship's speed, Dies stepped into another crackling portal with a crippling realizsation.




He wasn't going to be able to fap for a very, very long time.

[Undying]

"So do you have it?" Road was very eager as Jarlaxle slowly fished out a long tube from his backpack.

Jarlaxle was probably the only Akuma ever whom Road treated not as a toy to break at a whim, but more as a brother and - only a little - as a crush. As for him, Jarlaxle treated her like he treated everyone: as good friend.

Well, until he stabbed their backs.

"Yes, here it is, Mistress Road," he said in mock respect, handing the tube to her. It allowed fr sub-dimensional storage and, more importantly, the use of Road's powers on a greater magnitude. "Just have Skin power it with his electricity and it will be perfect."

Road giggled and gave Jarlaxle a kiss on the cheek, then ran off, still giggling. Jarlaxle simply ran a hand through his hair and grinned slyly. Dies was SO going to get it.

The porno mags would probably end up burned, though.

Shrugging he followed Road.

[Seff]

Dies touched down in the arid sands of the middle east. He was not far away from the Port that Willian had landed at, and it was visible from the sand dune he was perched upon. He guessed that Road would have been able to escape from the bag in her wily ways. Now it was just a matter of waiting for the little pest to show herself...

[Ryuzaki]

"Where's that Road at!? She promised me some chocolate sweets damn it!!" Skin walked furiously down the road where Dies was last seen. "If that Dies doesn't tell me where he last saw Road, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta that guy!"

"Skin-sama! Dies was around here somewhere, but he has disappeared as well!"

"And who the hell are you!?"

"Willian Belguas Tony Martini Toyata Playstation three the Fourth, at your service Skin-sama."

[Undying]

"Why hello there!" The man's beaming face somewhat surprised Jarlaxle, who was sitting waiting for Road to finish whatever business she was attending to in the underground chamber. And wise, he kept himself hidden so she won't call him to walk in on her, in the nude. He hated that.

"Oh, hello there," he said after a moment, appearing calm. "Who might you be?"

"I am Ali Mustafa Abun Ababa Hazziz Sharam Muhamad Izzan Para the thirteenth. I am sent here to call you for Skin-sama."

"Oh jeez, alright..." muttered Jarlaxle, knocking on the tomb door, knowing he was risking a lot with Road inside. "Uh, mistress Road!"

"Yeah, I know," came a lazy reply and Road came out - fully clothed - and holding a large bag in her hands, apparently concealing the magazines.

They left for Skin's location.

------------------------

"Hey Skin! Sup!" Beamed Road, tossing the oversized, hulking Noah a few chocolate candies - miraculously frozen despite the heat of the desert. "Let's go with that Hasan person."

"Ok."

[Seff]

Dies waited patiently at the Port.

Dies went down to the port - briefly, to get candy.

Dies ate the candy.

Dies wanted more candy.

Dies went down to the port to find the candy stall closed.

Dies went back to dune.

Dies waited some more.

Dies really wanted his porn mags.

Dies answered nature's call behind a nearby cactus.

Dies waited some more.

"Ok, seriously, where the freakin' hell is Road!"

[Undying]

Road giggled as she observed the annoyed Dies. Smiling at Jarlaxle and Skin, she started to say something when Jasdebi appeared, split into his typical twins.

"HELLO ROAD!" They screeched in unison, waving happily.

"Hey there you two!" Giggled Road in response, "let's have fun at Dies' expense!"

Everyone heartily agreed, and Road activated the tube and her ability. Immediately, Dies was sent to a dream world where, amazingly, the porn mags came to life, talking to Dies in their haunting voices.

Road pointed at the bamboozled man, and seeing everyone loaded with various objects, many not very pleasant, ordered, "shoot."

[Ryuzaki]

"Hell yes! I've been waiting for this moment!!" Skin roared at Jasdebi and Road and he started to chuck tomatoes at Dies who was probably enjoying himself at the moment. The tomatoes flew through the air hitting Dies on his pants and shirt, one even landed on his head but Dies was too focused on the wild dream.

"Damn..! I need bigger fruits!" Grabbing one of the biggest watermelon you could ever see with his one hand alone, he threw the watermelon as hard as he could making a direct hit at Dies forehead sending a hundred feet away in a mess.

"HELL YESS!!! I HIT THAT PUNK!! DID YOU SEE THAT!! AHAHAA!!"

[Seff]

The lights dimmed around Dies as he wondered what the hell was going on. Then a large magazine with a picture of a topless girl reared up in front of him. It had a machine gun, which it promptly pointed at the Noah.

Dies did what any respectful man in a situation like this would do. He ran like a girl, with the porn mag chasing him, firing spurts of bullets at random intervals.

"Man, my porn mag is trying to kill me!"

Dies said, quickly thinking. He was sure that this was Road's doing.

Another porn mag reared up in front of him. This one featured kinky dominatrix imagery on the cover, and it stood as tall as Dies. The Noah paused for a moment, groping the cover.

"Ooooo, lifesize...."

A thought crossed his mind, briefly.

"Yo, Road, if you can hear me... can you make what's on the pages come real, thanks!"

He glanced behind him to see Machine Gun Mag towering over him, and he zoomed away once more.

[kensei]

A banana was thrown like a boomerang to the squirming Dies. Too bad bananas don't come back like boomerangs, as Tyki would have liked to throw the same fruit again and again.

"Tyki?" a surprised Road questioned. "What are you doing?"

"I was wondering where you guys were and thought why not join in with some family bonding," he replied, as this time he was about to throw a spiky durian at Dies.

Dies seemed to be creepily calling out Road's name over and over again, which caused her face to turn into a disgusting, expression as she shivered. Tyki could only laugh at the sight.

"Besides, I reckon Dies needs to eat more fruit."

[Seff]

That will be a no then...


Dies groaned as the Machine Gun Mag continued to chase him around the... what could only be described as neverending dimensional space.

Dimensional.

"Wait a minute..."

BUT, just as Dies was about to execute his master plan...

[kensei]

The images in the life-size mags began to come out of the paper. They were coming to life!

Tyki's giggles could be heard echoing in the space, followed by Road's high-pitched curses then her own creepy little giggle following after. Dies couldn't believe his eyes as the figures began stretching their limbs, shaking their heads and catching their first breath.

What happened next truly startled the trapped Noah. The women were suddenly growing muscles, and hair began sprouting from every area possible. Their voices began to deepen, as beards and moustaches grew on their faces. Before long, Dies was looking at hairy old men, with Willian Belguas Tony Martini Toyata Playstation three the Fourth poking his neck from behind.

[Seff]

Dies' jaw dropped as the women begun to come to life. He could see their smooth curves, pale complexions...

He had to admit though, they WERE rather hairy. Really hairy...

They were Xavier-feet HAIRY!

"Oh my God. Road, that's beyond sick."

She had turned all the beautiful wimmenz into ugly old hobbits. Dies had truly had enough now, reaching into another plane and calling forth his sword.

"Rinne'tenshou."

He leapt into the old men, slicing them apart in a vortex of destruction. This may be Road's dimension, but Dies, too, had the power of control over dimensional space. And as long as he was in Road's dimension...

He could cut through it.

Concentrating, Dies moved in a perfect gyroscopic spiral, cutting a spherical area around him, where Road's dimension had been ripped in half. He was back in the real space, and what remained of Road's Dimension faded.

He glanced across, to where Road, Tyki, Skin, and Jasdebi were throwing various objects at him. He sidestepped briefly to intercept a spiky durian thrown by Tyki, before pointing his sword at them.

"You know you should start running. 'Cause i'm gunna FREAKING KILL YA! OI, GET BACK HERE, YOU LITTE RAT!"

Dies began to pursue Road, swinging with his sword as he ran.

[Undying]

Road giggled at Dies' obvious discomfort, the magazines were much more than he could handle. He probably would never be able to look at porn in the same way again. But that was not the only thing he was in for.

Tiky, in a display of evil Road admired greatly, used his ability to make it so Dies could not touch his sword anymore, which made it fall to the ground with a clang. But there was more.

Skin used his lightning to hit the magazines hard, so that they burst aflame.

A pineapple pelted by a very joyous and amused Ali Mustafa Abun Ababa Hazziz Sharam Muhamad Izzan Para the thirteenth hit Dies on the head, making him stumble slightly and run INTO the flames.

Jasdero and Devit hit him with a red bomb and caused him to combust even more, and then Road applied the ultimate anti-male weapon: the Dream of Temptation.

What Dies saw was the most perfect woman, so beautiful any man would simply have a very painful sensation as his pants severely constricted him. She waved at him alluringly and stepped back, pouting sensually.

Of course, what would happen is that every time Dies laid his hand on her - and that will happen - she would turn into a giggling Road, slam him on the face, and then vanish, and a new one would appear, waving his magazines.

Road jumped from rooftop to rooftop, followed by her Noah family.

Yes, this was about to get really funny.

[Seff]

Argh! This was too much!

Dies' whole family seemed intent on collaborating against him, and Road had enlisted the help of some Arabic dude as well. And... Skin had destroyed the magazines...

This was a sad, sad day.

If that wasn't bad enough, the really hot chick with the large breasts was one of Road's illusions, but Dies just couldn't resist touching her. Dies needed to get his hands on the little pest and give her a good spanking. But how?

It seemed like there was only one option. If there was one single *thing* that Road hated, it had to be a certain fluffy akuma. He ate Road's food, he pinched her hair, he stole her homework (Road didn't know about this - Dies had convinced her it was Xavier, in a maths fetish.).

Kujaku appeared with a pop besides Dies, and the Noah instantly set him on Road. Kujaku moved with lightning-speed, running to the small Girl and attempting to pull out her hair.

Dies, meanwhile, decided to pull some of that "Divne vengeance crap" on Tyki, Skin, and Jasdebi.

That was when he noticed he was on fire...

[Undying]

Road's giggles turned into a screech when the small Akuma began pulling on her hair and trying to eat it. Screeching and pulling, she somehow managed to untangle the little monster from her head and escaped all out, trying to run away.

Tiky, knowing that he didn't want to stay near Dies right now, also slipped somewhere.

Skin and Jasdebi pulled back as well.

But one last gift from Road remained. A massive explosion shook the place as Dies was blasted away into a small underground room where he was surrounded by four porn mags.

With mouths.

And they said, "we are the porno gods. You have failed in your missions to save the porno. Therefore we sentence you to... losing your pants."

And he pants fell off.

Edn.

[Seff]

Dies gasped.

"Oh shi-"


***CLOSE***

[Undying]

2 EXP each of the following:

Kujaku (http://forums.bleachportal.net/showthread.php?t=51550)
Dies (http://forums.bleachportal.net/showthread.php?t=51243) (and a pair of pants)
Jarlaxle (http://forums.bleachportal.net/showthread.php?t=51069)