Kind of serious book idea

[TuRm0iL]

I thought this up at university, idunno why, but it sounded like it could make a good book. I dunno if ill ever write it tho, Im lazy. Comment, tell me if youd ever read anything like this, blah blah blah etc. Just plz dont steal mah idea.

Heres a brief synopsis:

Book Idea: Title ideas? (Bus number __, This is my stop, Etc..)
two character - uni or college students, one boy, one girl

plot:
-guy meets girl on bus
-guy befriends girl
-guys life is messed up, but he hides it to help girl with her "bigger" problems (i.e dating, breakups, all that good stuff)
-they always meet on bus
-Girl goes out with guys ultimate "rival" (popular guy who he has had a bad run into before, mainly hes just jealous of him)
-"rival" really has no idea who main char is.. acts nice around him because knows he is the girl's best friend
- Main char. rlly has no clue what to do with his emotions, causing frustration, and lashes out at "rival" (involving a heated fight scene, and perhaps a few malicious remarks)
- Girl says she cannot forgive him
- Guy doesn't know what to do
- Guy comes home to find that his mother has died (sickness? OD? I will decide later)
- Guy really wants to just be with girl, but she thinks of him as an idiot, and no longer a friend
- Guy contemplates suicide
- Guy calls up Girl, wants to meet her on the bus next day so they can talk, she says she'd think about it (maybe reveals/ has revealed a engagement to rival?)
- Overnight Girl realizes that Rival had been cheating on her (or something just as despicable to that effect, Maybe Guy had accused rival of it during fight?)
- Girl is late in the morning after a long night of arguing.

Multiple ENDINGS!!!
1) Guy has decided if girl does not meet him on bus, he shall commit suicide. Bus starts moving, she is not there. Guy injects himself with poison. Girl runs alongside bus as it moves away, screaming at bus driver to stop the bus. Bus driver pulls over, and Guy watches in amazement as she boards, knowing full well that he will be dead within ten minutes.
As she walks up towards him he vows to himself to tell her nothing about what he has just done. Emotional talk follows, as she admits to having loved him for a long time, just not even realizing it herself. Guy feeling lightheaded, not sure if its from the poison or love. LAst act of life, they kiss and he slumps over, she notices the needle and screams, guessing what must have happened. Oh the irony!(perhaps as a twist he wakes up to find himself safe in a hospital? probably not but perhaps)

2) Same as above, but girl does not make the bus at all. Instead he see's her chasing the bus through the window, knowing full well that he will never see her again. It breaks his heart. Poison works fast and he blacks out, never to wake again. Oh the irony once again!

3) She makes the bus, he doesnt do it, happy go lucky ending (booring)

So anyways, Im not sure from whos point of view id write it, probably the guys, or maybe alternating. Im not sure.
But thats what waiting for a bus for 45 minutes will do to you.

[Artemis]

I'd read it. I recommend working with someone else, it'll add more aspects to the storyline and whatnot.

I like the plot, could do with some tweaking, but its good nevertheless. The guy's suicidal tendency kinda puts me off, but I suppose if you make the story deeper, longer and the relationship more meaningful, it'll cover the suicidal theme.

Like I'd said, I'd read it.
Work with Lex or someone who can write good.

:D

[Lex]

*Blush* Scorchy <3 you flatter me!

I'm usually not into the whole 'reality' part of stories but I'll help if you want it.
I must admit...it sounds a bit too much like, Romeo and Juliet for my taste but there are multiple endings you can use, each bringing across a point.
What is your purpose behind the story, do you want a moral in the story or what?
Let me know what you want to do and I'll see how I can help you.

[Artemis]

I personally liked the first ending, but that ain't my decision.
Lex is giving a good point as well though. It does have some resemblance to Romeo and Juliet.

Although the poison part is only the most obvious similarity.

[TuRm0iL]

Well i wanted to push across that feeling of irony, like, o wow hes finally getting what he wanted in the first ending, too bad hes dead. Also on her account, its like, i finally realize my true love, but too late.

Second endings kind of cold and still ironic in a different way. As it had been that he had always been chasing after her, now she is chasing after him, but also, never to catch him. IF that makes sense.
The suicidal tendency was only put it to show that it was choice of his, and not fate, that led him to his death. A freak accident would also fit, but i dont think it would hit as hard. Of course with the suicidal tendency it can lead to that "romeo and juliet" feeling which i want to avoid. This story is more of a hopeless love story rather than romeo and juliet, where they love eachother all the way through.
I tried to cover up his suicidal tendency by adding in all of that "problems at home" type of stuff. Than i coupled it with a hopeless feeling of lack of love. That should be enough to give any college or university student suicidal tendencies.

Any help would be appreciated.

[Artemis]

Let's have a threesome!
I mean, lets have a tri-team!
I mean, lets have a pro-active group!

It's really hard to say anything involving three people that doesn't have sexual innuendo. <.<

If all are willing, I'm for a three-party team to work on this story.
Of course, participation from Lex is up to her and the choice of sharing the writing process is up to Turmoil.

I think it'd be fun.
Tur would also get the final say for it all.

I would think that Lex would be more on writing and wording the plot, whereas I would be more on the plotting and story sequence side of it.

It'd be fun in my opinion. XD

[TuRm0iL]

I'm up for a threesome! :D
Its hard decision but im probably to lazy to write this myself, so ill gladly take help.

[Artemis]

Fair enough.
Next Step.... MSN SHARING!

It'll help with plot progress and so forth.
We can also decide how you want to release the story.

Mine: Sumo_jim@hotmail.com

My name is Nick, for future references. :)

[TuRm0iL]

added joo

[Dradam]

It is very shakespearian esk.
You seem to have a very good basic idea there, a reincarnation of romeo and juliet by the looks of things if you choose to go the suicide way. Creating a tragedy.
The boy meeting the girl on the bus classic cheap tourist novel...
The bf could kill her if you're looking for a twist...
I think what you're looking for is a third option tho, something different that hasnt been done before... Neither tragedy nor ending in a soppy story, but something inbetween, or maybe he asks her out and she says lets just be friends or summin'... I dunno i just think that the options listed are too stereotypical, which isn't really something that you want to create in a short story or it makes it too predictable.
I am assuming that it's a short story, because i think it would be hard to write more than 10,000 words on it...

[Lex]

TuRm0iL: I'm going away tomorrow so if you want anything from me here's my email address 2005120056@student.ouvs.ac.za
If you want me to write it let me know and I'll work on it during my holidays.

[Lex]

I did it, didn't edit it for reading on forum but tell me what you think.

I did it! I phoned her last night! Revealed everything that was in my heart for her…Now the ball is in her court, I can do no more.
I look around the bus stop…she isn’t here…my heart sinks lower into my belly. I put my hand n my jacket pocket and feel the syringe that lay there. It had been easy enough to steal out of the lab and the poison in it was just as easy to come by. My mind wondered to the thoughts of how painful it would be to take in a dosage of rat poison via a major vein or artery.
“You boarding or not son?” came a voice, breaking through my suicidal thoughts.
I looked up and was mildly surprised to see that the bus can arrived and the conductor was holding the door open.
“Waiting for someone?” he asked.
I looked around and my heart shattered when I saw no one else was waiting, “I guess not.”
“Then step it up son, we still have a few more stops to make.”
I climbed on and paid my fee. I looked around the bus, there were few people here, good. The people that were here were an old couple, that looked like they had been together for years, blissfully happy, staring into each other’s eyes, saying nothing. Their faces spoke of pure love. A few seats behind them were a teenager couple, making out, I forced myself to look away and move to the back of the bus where could be alone. Before I seated myself I opened the window and leaned out to stare up the street in hopes…but there was no one…this was it.
“Take your seat young man, we need to get going.” Said conductor as he closed the door.
I fell heavily into my seat and sighed…it was all over now…
When the bus started to move as I once more sank my hand into my jacket pocket but this time it wasn’t to just touch the syringe…
I pulled the syringe from my pocket, once more wondering if it would hurt or if I would just fall into a deep sleep. Making sure no one was looking I rolled up the sleeve of my left arm then tied a piece of rubber tubing around my upper arm until I was sure had efficiently clamped the vein I was looking for. I watched as the vein in the crook of my arm start to swell until it stood rigid. Making another quick sweep of the bus I pulled the needle’s cover off and prepared to insert it. I cringed as the point touched the skin. Did I really want to do this? Then I thought of my life without her…the metal easily slide into my flesh and I felt it enter the vein, I didn’t stop then, and I pushed the plunger down. There was a searing pain as the liquid entered my blood stream then slowly started to spread as I loosened the tubing. I leaned back in my seat, only now realizing I had been holding my breath, I released it in a hiss.
Blood pounded in my ears…and I wanted to close my eyes and sleep…was this the poison or the days of wanting to cry myself to sleep finally catching up.
The conductor was standing again, he seemed annoyed.
“Damn these kids…we can’t stop each time they miss the bus. Let her on John…can’t have her running after us all the way now can we.”
The bus stopped and I looked over the seat in front of me and gasped when I saw who it was. It was her…
“Thank you!” she gasped at the conductor, paid her fee, then hurried to the back of the bus.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“You asked me to be here you idiot.” She said with that little grin on her face that I loved so much, she sat to my right, “What you said…last night…did you mean it?”
“Dumb thing to ask.”
Oh the irony! Here next to me sat my love! But I was too hasty in my suicide attempt to just wait another five minutes to see if she would actually come to me.
“I’m…sorry…I never thought…is it…perhaps too late for…us…you and me?” she asked, her grin vanishing and a sad smile appearing.
I shook my head, “There’s still time.”
God I hope there is still time!
She moved closer and kissed me on the cheek then withdrew a bit, blushing. I smiled, or at least tried, my face felt numb.
I returned the kiss, but this time it wasn’t on her cheek, and soon we were no more that that teenager couple near the front of the bus. We broke apart for a breath and my vision swam and I felt my face pale.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, he face blood red with a blush.
“My time…ends.” I whispered as I collapsed forward.
In the last few moments of my consciousness I heard her scream, it was one of pure heart break…but by now my body was numb and breathing was difficult…I could do nothing to comfort her. I wanted to calm her, tell her this was for the best and it wouldn’t last much longer but my tongue was paralyzed and the blackness before my eyes were now solid…it was warm to…

Ending 1)
“I don’t know what happened officer, I thought he looked down when he boarded but I had no idea that he would try and O.D on my bus.” Said the conductor.
“And what do you know about the girl that found him?” said the officer.
“I assume she was the reason he shoved that needle into his arm.” He shrugged and turned to look at the gurney that was leaving his bus, followed closely by the girl who was still sobbing, “Poor thing.”
“I’ll need a full statement from you.”
“Yes sir, just let me get alternative transport for the other passengers.”
“You do that while I go speak to the girl.”
The went their separate ways and the officer walked to the gurney, the M.E had declared the boy dead a few minutes before he arrived but his face looked as if it held so much life, he even had a smile.
“Would you bastards cover him.” He growled at one of the gurney handlers, “Have some respect for the dead.”
This brought on a new wave of sobbing from the girl as the one covered the boys face.
“I’m sorry to have to do this now ma’am but I need a statement from you. Can I take you for a coffee or something?” asked the officer as gently as possible.
He never waited for an answer, instead he took her to his vehicle and gave her a cup of his wife’s sweetened coffee and forced her to take it in.
“Now…tell me what happened.” He coaxed.
“He loved me…I realized too late that…that…I loved him too!” more tears fell and her body was racked by violent trembling.

Ending 2)
My head hurts…so does my stomach…screw it! My whole body hurt. I tried to open my eyes but they refused to listen to me…they weren’t the only things that refused to work…I couldn’t breath…something was doing that for me…what the hell!? Damn…could it be that I was in hell…?
I tried once more to open my eyes and managed it but my vision was blurred and it only made me nauseous.
“Oh my god! He’s awake!”
That voice, it was my mother’s. What the hell was she doing here!?
“Madam! He needs his rest. Please…quiet.”
Before I had a chance to defend myself I felt my mother’s arms enveloping me, delivering a crushing hug that saw me trying once more to gasp against the air that was being forced into my lungs.
“That is quite enough! Security!”
I got my vision back in time to see my mother hauled out of there by my father and a burly security guard. There was also a doctor that was standing near my bed with his hands on his hips, “Females! You’re not going to do something that stupid are you?”
I tried to move my head to see who he was speaking to and my heart stopped for a second…it was her, she was here…I was alive! This wasn’t hell!
“No sir.” She said meekly.
“Good, then you can stay here.” He then turned to me and frowned, “And you were a fool! There are other ways to win a girl’s heart. You were lucky that you diluted that poison so much.”
He left the room shaking his head and muttering to himself.
For a long time I stared at the girl whom I’ve loved for years and she looked back…her cheeks were tear stained and her eyes were puffy…I wanted to say something but I couldn’t.
She stood up and came to kneel at my bedside. She took up a my right hand, it was covered in wires and pipes, and kissed it then said the words I had been waiting for so long to hear.
“I love you to.”

I did it! I phoned her last night! Revealed everything that was in my heart for her…Now the ball is in her court, I can do no more.
I look around the bus stop…she isn’t here…my heart sinks lower into my belly. I put my hand n my jacket pocket and feel the syringe that lay there. It had been easy enough to steal out of the lab and the poison in it was just as easy to come by. My mind wondered to the thoughts of how painful it would be to take in a dosage of rat poison via a major vein or artery.
“You boarding or not son?” came a voice, breaking through my suicidal thoughts.
I looked up and was mildly surprised to see that the bus can arrived and the conductor was holding the door open.
“Waiting for someone?” he asked.
I looked around and my heart shattered when I saw no one else was waiting, “I guess not.”
“Then step it up son, we still have a few more stops to make.”
I climbed on and paid my fee. I looked around the bus, there were few people here, good. The people that were here were an old couple, that looked like they had been together for years, blissfully happy, staring into each other’s eyes, saying nothing. Their faces spoke of pure love. A few seats behind them were a teenager couple, making out, I forced myself to look away and move to the back of the bus where could be alone. Before I seated myself I opened the window and leaned out to stare up the street in hopes…but there was no one…this was it.
“Take your seat young man, we need to get going.” Said conductor as he closed the door.
I fell heavily into my seat and sighed…it was all over now…
When the bus started to move as I once more sank my hand into my jacket pocket but this time it wasn’t to just touch the syringe…
I pulled the syringe from my pocket, once more wondering if it would hurt or if I would just fall into a deep sleep. Making sure no one was looking I rolled up the sleeve of my left arm then tied a piece of rubber tubing around my upper arm until I was sure had efficiently clamped the vein I was looking for. I watched as the vein in the crook of my arm start to swell until it stood rigid. Making another quick sweep of the bus I pulled the needle’s cover off and prepared to insert it. I cringed as the point touched the skin. Did I really want to do this? Then I thought of my life without her…the metal easily slide into my flesh and I felt it enter the vein, I didn’t stop then, and I pushed the plunger down. There was a searing pain as the liquid entered my blood stream then slowly started to spread as I loosened the tubing. I leaned back in my seat, only now realizing I had been holding my breath, I released it in a hiss.
Blood pounded in my ears…and I wanted to close my eyes and sleep…was this the poison or the days of wanting to cry myself to sleep finally catching up.
Wait…what was that? I looked out of the window once more and saw her running, trying her best to catch up to the speeding bus. She saw my head poking from the window and yelled something I couldn’t hear…I wanted to ask her what she was trying to say but my mouth wouldn’t work.
I pulled my head back and tried to catch the conductor’s eye but his nose was in a book and he never noticed me.
I tried once more to say something but my tongue was numb…as was my throat…everything was numb…the poison!
I screamed my bitterness, tearing coming to my eyes but no sounds coming from my throat. And soon I could no longer breathe. I collapsed onto the back seat trying to gasp for breath but I could draw no air. Bright colours flashed before my eyes, then the edges of my vision went dark and they slowly started to spread.
My mind screamed the unfairness of all of this but it was too late now.
My vision went completely black as no more air was able to enter my swollen throat.








I did it! I phoned her last night! Revealed everything that was in my heart for her…Now the ball is in her court, I can do no more.
I trudged in the rain to the bus stop where I had asked her to wait for me…dreading yet longing to see if she would be there.
I looked around me, trying to avoid looking ahead…just in case she might not be there. I noticed cars splashing through the deep puddles of rain as well as younger children playing in the muddy pools in front of their houses with their parents either grinning with them or standing ready with towels, in case they tried to slip back into the house without a bath.
I grinned a little, remembering how I did the exactly the same thing when I was of that age. The rain made everything so beautiful, the grass and trees gleamed, as if someone had put minute diamonds on their tips. I prayed once more that she would be there…life wouldn’t be worth living if she didn’t come.
I pulled my jacket closer as the wind picked up, I wish I had brought the one with a hood, then at least my head would be warm and dry.
Each step brought me closer to the bus stop yet still I couldn’t look at it…my heart was too heavy for that.
I fingered the syringe in my pocket…if she wasn’t there then I would end it…for I would no longer care.
“Hey stranger.” Called a voice.
My heart leapt and my head snapped to look before me. There she was…in the rain coat her mother had bought her two years ago, the lovely sky blue one I had commented on the day she wore it, I remembered it like yesterday.
I stopped dead and looked at her in open amazement, “You came…”
“How could I not? You were very persuasive last night.”
I frowned, she was making sport of me.
She laughed he rich laugh and sat down on the bus bench, “Well…come on. Let’s wait for that bus.”
I walked to her, in a daze, and sat next to her. She leaned next to me, her face was sweaty.
“I thought you had caught the earlier bus…I ran like hell to catch it. I think the conductor thought me high on something.” She giggled and linked her arm with mine, “God I’m glad I didn’t miss you. I was worried that you might do something stupid.”
I blushed, thinking of the syringe filled with poison in my pocket.
She leaned her head on my shoulder and sighed, “I can’t believe that I’m going to say this but I was so wrong! I was totally blind.”
Was she going to say it?
Suddenly her arm flew around my neck and she surprised me with a kiss on the lips that lasted…longer than expected.
“Could be better.” She giggled as she watched me falter with the words I needed to say.
“Hey you two lovers…climbing on?” the bus had arrived.
“Ah…” I was too shocked to say anything beyond that.
“Of course.” She hauled me into standing position and pulled towards the bus, “Come on, you wanted this.”
“One second.” I let her pull away and turned to a dustbin that was nearby and disposed of the vile syringe.
Then I climbed the stairs into the bus, the conductor smiled an all knowing smile and took our fee.
I looked into the bus and saw her staring back at me with a little mischievous smile playing at the corners of her mouth. I smiled, this was pure happiness.
Then she mouthed those words I had hoped for.
“I love you.”