Room < want comments >

[vidDa]

here it is. it was made 'bout six years ago, but finished it now.
all comments welcome

Room

I am sitting alone in my room
waiting for the doom.
Misantrophy grows in my heart
it will torn my mind apart

Demons of sorrow embrace me.
Take me where illusions play.
Not in this world where I stand like prey!
Where love means nothing,
where suicide is the cure,
where only treacherous God is pure!

Oceanss of sadness in my soul rest
deep within my burdened chest.
Where all hope slowly drowns
like the outskirts of burning towns.

[zen]

Well this is great, It's really sad and shows the authors view very well. There are a few spelling errors,but nothing serious. overall 8/10.

[Ai]

Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors which make reading the piece and picking up the flow a bit hard. Heres my suggestion for you though it's just really the first stanza that needs it the next two are not bad at all and I congratulate you for a nice piece.


I'm sitting alone in my room,
waiting for my doom.
Misanthropy grows in my heart,
Threatens to tear my mind apart.

Keep on working on your flow and your spelling, Remember to use spell check it only takes a second and stops you from looking silly.

Keep up the good progress and looking forward to reading the next one.

[vidDa]

thx, will keep this in mind.
First it was written on Croatian so I used a dictionary to translate it. And madea few errors :D

[Nesquik]

What Ai and bludd said.
Also, i think you should make it longer, since the ending still leaves some ways to continue the poem.
But it's a little sad, it has a good point of view and the flow isn't so bad. Good job ^^

[Sin]

Few grammatical errors but other then the visual imagery resonates of a war torn environments that stole the author's childhood away and forced them into the sad world of an adult that has to deal with Chaos. I like it, i've been trying to write something like this myself but for me i think its still too soon and too fresh in my mind. + Rep points for succeeding where i continue to fail.

[vidDa]

Love-chi: you are correct somewhere in your post, cuz indeed there was a war here when I was a child. And some of my early years I had to practically live in bomb shelters, but I don't think it has something to do with it. Maybe I am wrong. Anywayz thx for the +rep :D

p.s. I wrote a better post beafore but my Opera restarted (don't know why)

@Ai: I wrote "waiting for THE doom" cause I am not waiting for just mine but the doom of everything.

[Sin]

^ I have sharp instincts, and i can pick up on things I don't really understand it myself more then half the times. I blame special forces training, but not too much. Still your welcome and its well done