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View Full Version : The look of u'r silent heart


kakudo
04-03-2008, 12:43 AM
to look at you, and have no feelings,
and see the emptyness upon your face.....
I try to look deeper, beyond all the cold,
but what I saw, was that your heart was erased.....

You no longer could feel my tender touch,
and my urges for you at night....
you no longer called me anymore,
and when you said I'm okay I knew something was not right.....

I said he's okay, is what I told myself,
but what I kept feeling was quite different...
I really don't want it to be this way,
and I really don't want to deal with this......

But I'll do it for you
for my love is true
and we will pull through,
I say.....
but you're so far gone
and I'm left all alone
out in the cold
and stormy sad silent days...

what happened to you
my dear love,
why must you be so still

please take me up again
in your arms,
for this, is my will.....

but oh I forgot, your silent heart,
still beating in the night....
no you weren't dead, no I say,
cause your stillness causes all frights, to be quite alright.....

silverwolf801
04-03-2008, 11:43 AM
woooo I like this one definitely. I just like how you incorporated the the story of the supposed woman/girl who yearned for her love back.

kakudo
04-03-2008, 09:57 PM
thank u!

Jaran
04-03-2008, 10:04 PM
When writing things, spell them correctly, for the sake of us all.

I almost didn't even read this because the title is blah blah blah u'r silent heart.

I gave it a chance because I figured maybe you were trying to do an Olde English style poem or something...

But then I came in here and you're too lazy to say "you".

And apparently our hearts beet?

I didn't know that vegetables were verbs.

Icestorm
04-03-2008, 10:16 PM
Sorry, but I agree with Jaran. Literature never involved text messages :/ .

kakudo
04-03-2008, 11:14 PM
There! happy? I fixed it best I could.

Jaran
04-04-2008, 03:08 AM
You still missed one...

Very last line, "u're stillness etc etc etc".

Other than that, I still have problems with the lack of capitalization and meter.

I don't know why, but it bugs me when poetry is one blob of text broken up into lines with no punctuation, because when they do that, there is no meter, no pauses, no time to take a breath.

It's like reading the lyrics to a rap song by Twista. -_-

kakudo
04-04-2008, 11:07 PM
there! happy! I fix it agian! Are you goonna trash on me summore? well?!?!?!

Nesquik
04-04-2008, 11:58 PM
In my opinion, it's a really good poem, but i agree with Jaran. But it's better now that it's fixed =D
Good job ^^

kakudo
04-05-2008, 07:51 PM
well thank you.

Pyramus
04-05-2008, 07:53 PM
They wern't trashing you for God's sake, it was constructive criticism! Get over yourself >_>

Good poem though XD

kakudo
04-05-2008, 07:54 PM
shut up Py, and thanks

Sin
04-05-2008, 10:03 PM
I really like the revised version... good work + rep

kakudo
04-05-2008, 11:03 PM
thanks.

Tai Dai
04-05-2008, 11:16 PM
I didn't see the version before, but its really good.
Nice job Kakudo and +rep =)

Icestorm
04-06-2008, 12:14 AM
Indeed, if you cant take constructive criticism then dont post it.

Just a tip, with all poetry structure you must have a capital at the start of every line.

kakudo
04-06-2008, 12:18 AM
can't anyone take a joke. I was being sarcastic.

Icestorm
04-12-2008, 02:37 AM
Sarcasm on the internet? lol.

kakudo
04-12-2008, 04:24 PM
lolz