Poetry Battle: Ai vs. BeeCrest

[BeeCrest]

Theme: Exile
Participants: Ai and BeeCrest
Votes: First to Five.
Style: Fixed

...Go!

[Ai]

Woolly Exile
A Haiku on a sheep's exile for which other animal truly feels the loneliness

Outcast From The Herd,
A Sheep Without Sheep, Alone,
Single, No One Else.

First one to 5 Votes wins as agreed...Anyone is able to vote for either one of us...To vote simply put

"..... Gets my Vote Because"

Hope you enjoy my piece..:p

[BeeCrest]

Who is truly the one in right mind? d:

Exile

The fool grins from his
alfresco havens
made attractive with
chesty conviction.
Though the water is
gritty and murky,
and the bread musty,
arrogance rooted
in just stubbornness
makes beggars' meals feasts
in comparison
to palace banquets
cooked by ignorant
hags drooling with craft
inferior to
the expectations
of an exile.

[ikkaku's girl]

Beecrest

[Kazmiz]

BeeCrest gets my vote because Ai's haiku could have been a much better one. (That's a nice way of saying that it was not a very good one, imho.)

Also, Bee obviously never lived in a cave XD

[Sin]

Ai - Good, not great but you followed the theme. However it left a feeling of the poem being incomplete.

Beecrest - Great poem, but i feel you tie in to the exile theme may have been last min, in other words you could have done much better.

*my vote goes to Beecrest for the overall quality of the poem *

[Toasty]

Ai get my vote because of the simplicity of it. It was well written and to the point. It was a very good Haiku (which I've known a lot of people to find impossible to write).

Bee, sorry, but I found your poem a bit too "wordy" ... a complete opposite of Ai's poem, though, and still very well written... but just too much for me. I lost the meaning partway through. It was a bit hard for me to follow...

<3 to you both. Good job!!

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Ai gets my vote.

Bee it was a good poem I just felt it was a little to wordy. And I don't mean too long, at times it just felt like an insert vocab here poem.

Ai yours was very good and despite its length portrayed real emotion. The use of the plural and singular form of "sheep" was perfect.


(Katen really wants to challenge someone now)

[Jaran]

Argh, I'm torn here.

On the one hand, Ai's haiku is light, like a creampuff. It also has rhythm and meter, and although it isn't very sophisticated, it's enough to garner a smile when I read it.

On the other hand, Bee's poem has more to it, like a shrimp kebab. It has big words and a nice story. However, it has almost no meter, no rhythm, and is constructed poorly. In a few places it felt as though she had begun to ramble for the sake of length, and could have said what she said with much fewer words and less pontification. As always, she shows a great amount of imagery, but it isn't enough to secure my vote.

Therefore, I give my vote to Ai, on the sheer merit of the meaning behind his poem and its superior structure.

Both of you wrote well. Ai, I would recommend you make an attempt at making longer poems with a little more meaning and emotion behind them. Bee, your poems are generally chock-full of emotion and wonderful imagery, but you need to work on structure, rhythm, and meter.

[Ai]

/me rawrs...

The score is 3-3....We only need 2 more votes each...Truly epic...Personally I enjoyed Bee's piece..I'm using this thread more as an example for others of what you can do for a poetry challenge..:P

[Sin]

How many people are you allowed to challenge at once?


Plus what are the stakes? are we even allowed to have prizes?

[Ai]

You can challenge one person per one thread, So it's only you vs someone in a thread..You can do multiple threads at the same time if you really want too.

[Xkavanger]

Ai.

Short and simple. Quick to get to the point.

(Bee, I liked yours too. Full of substance.)

But Ai gets my vote. :)

[Yamamoto]

although i really like the sophistication in Bee's poem, i feel Ai's communicates the theme more clearly with it's simplicity :)

Ai gmv

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

You can challenge one person per one thread, So it's only you vs someone in a thread..You can do multiple threads at the same time if you really want too.

Do you need to get the person's permission to challenge them or can you just send a challenge notice.

[Joe Black]

@Ai: this time I really didn't find your poem emotionally compelling as your others. i would have recommended to play on the sheep metaphor a bit more.

@BeeCrest/C.C: I really enjoyed your imagery for meals and doubling it with the sense of freedom. Actually, you reminded me of something I read once in the Bible.

so I vote BeeCrest.

[BeeCrest]

I'm too lazy to count, but I think Ai won.



Now that we have a set example, go battle peoples.

/me goes back to ignoring this section

[Xkavanger]

Well done, Bee. :)

Congratulations, Ai.

/me wants to see people challenging each other and top this. :P

Good luck to those who are going head-to-head. =D