Poetry Battle: Toasty vs Chi - First to 8 Votes

[Toasty]

Theme: Life Lessons
Style: Three Traditional Haiku
First to 8 votes wins!

Each poet will write three haiku. Vote on which poet has the best SET of poems... not just the best poem. Rate the set as a whole. :) Thanks!

It would also be helpful if each person leaves comments on both poems to help us all grow as poets! :) Thanks!

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Toasty's Entries:


Pain

The curious touch
Fire on skin, the mistake's made
The child touches flame


Loss of Innocence

Tear's fall, make-up runs
Left alone, lost and broken
He said he loved her


The World is Cruel but People Care

Drops of coins fall down
Into famished outstretched hands
Generosity

[Chi]

Growing old

At the end of all,
we find that everything known,
was not real at all.

Moving

Flowing in the wind,
seeds are carried far away,
a new forest created.


Lessons missed

Like a skipping stone,
skipping on top of a pond,
we skip crucial parts.




Alright lets do this!! (sorry for the delay)

[ladyrukia]

i vote chi. feel like i can connect to his poems

[silverwolf801]

Chi did it for me. They don't hold like a deeper meaning behind them.

[Nesquik]

My vote goes for Chi. I like how his endings go with the more with the flow.

[Tai Dai]

I also vote for Chi, i like how some of his poems relate to nature, it just sounds natural and right to me.

[Gowansweetpea]

I vote Chi...good rhyme, flow, and inner meaning..all combining together, in peaceful understanding and harmony....

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Yahoo Review Time: (please remember to take no remarks personally.) ((and thats yahoo Im happy not yahoo suckiest search engine ever)

Toasty-

Pain

The curious touch
Fire on skin, the mistake's made
The child touches flame
Hmm I found the first and third line together to be a little redundant. I think they are both nice but together they over accentuate your point. Its not bad for me just not great.
6/10

Loss of Innocence

Tear's fall, make-up runs
Left alone, lost and broken
He said he loved her
Wow by far my favorite haiku of the six it tells a story with great immagery which is hard to do in a haiku. In my mind first and third line are perfect I would have liked something a little more dramatic in the second line but over all very good.
9/10

The World is Cruel but People Care

Drops of coins fall down
Into famished outstretched hands
Generosity
Hmmm well i wasnt too impressed with this one "Drops" of coins didn't really do it for me. It just seems to me that since your contrasting too extremes with the title that you would naturally want high and low points in the poetry. A sad point and a happy point. But it all just runs together for me. Its dare I say it a little boring.
5/10


Toasty I think you could have done allot better with your first and third haiku and your second one proves that. Try not to rush and think hard on your topic chosen.

20/30

Chi-

Growing old

At the end of all,
we find that everything known,
was not real at all.
I felt this could have been very good but the first and last line are almost exactly the same sentance. And while in a longer poem that can work and be dramatic in a haiku it seems a little contrived. Also I feel like you may have confused your topic because I can see "death" in it just as much as "growing old". Because I think it would be a fool who in old age decides that their life has been meaningless simply because they don't know what comes after death. Thats just personal though.
6/10


Moving

Flowing in the wind,
seeds are carried far away,
a new forest created.
Well seven syllables in the last line doesn't help your case here and its a little cliche as well. But the words flow well and your on the right path in terms of telling a story for a very mundane thing.
6/10


Lessons missed

Like a skipping stone,
skipping on top of a pond,
we skip crucial parts.
Really liked this. Using a form of skip in every line was very clever with the idea and imagery and the first and last line are very good. I wanted a little something more out of the second line. But I'm just a perfectionist.
9/10

Chi I'll give you the same advice as Toasty dont rush just because its a short poem and make sure to think hard on being creative in your topic.

21/30


My vote goes to chi by one point.

[Ai]

Toasty Gets my vote...Just got an overall better feel from all three pieces then I did from Chi.

[.Zero Nue]

Sorry my vote goes to Chi, overall the flow of Chi's poem seem to make sense in a way.

[Chi]

Ummm...cmon people more votes please xD

[Lightey Natsume]

I vote Chi he connects more and they flow very nicely

[zen]

I vote for chi also, his poems made more sense for meh then toasty's just felt good.

[Chi]

I guess i win =/

but i feel bad...

[Toasty]

Don't feel bad, Chi! Congrats on your awesome, overpowering win!!! :) :) :)

<3.

I'll +rep you as soon as the system thinks I've +repped others enough... it won't let me right now. :P

[Chi]

Please... don't be silly we weren't battling for that. I thought it was just for kicks and to pass the time, no?

[Toasty]

I know it wasn't stated that we'd +rep. But I feel you deserve it. Your poems were VERY good. :) <3.

And doesn't that make my +rep all the more meaningful...? Since I'm not being forced to do so? :P

But yeah, it was to pass the time... and for the fun of it! :) And to see what others have to say about our stuff.

[Chi]

Okies! *hugs*

Since you insist :p