my first poems

[ladyrukia]

hello this is my first time writing poems and so please be nice and give me CONSTRUCTIVE help.
P.S. they don't have titles either. casue i don't know what to call them.



I lay here in bed
and your running thourgh my head
it's driving me crazy
i want you beside me and
hold me and guide me
in all that i have to do
You feel just the same don't hide it
like shame cause you want
to lay right here beside me
And we both want to be together forever.



and here the other one:

i can't help but sit here
and think of you
i want you and need you
next to me
keep me warm
when i'm cold
cause you always run 103



so here are mine but please help me and please don't bash me to badly

[vidDa]

Here are some tips
In the first poem you could write the 4th and 5th stance like this:
I want you beside me,
to hold me and guide me
For a better flow you could "cut" the songs in better places.

The other one is not that bad, srsly, it's short and it tells what it needs to tell.

Work on your flow and use a bit of punctations and write i big ( I ) ^^

But overall these are 2 solid peaces for first timers so I think it deserves a +rep. ^^

enjoy

[ladyrukia]

thanks vidDa they my first pieces ever. so i need all the encouragement that i can get

[Chi]

What Vidda said... xD

Not bad, keep working on it and improve and maybe soon you'll be able to get rep for you work from me and Ai hehe

[ladyrukia]

yeah i'm trying i just write downs what comes to me

[Toasty]

I agree with Chi and Vid! :) Really nice for a first try!

They both have similar meanings, and you expressed it nicely.

A bit of advice:

Read the poems aloud. Sometimes it helps.

Also, the flow is a bit awkward. The reader wants to move from one line of the poem to another gracefully. Make sure each idea transitions into the next. Awkward leaps from one thought to another (unless purposeful) can be a bit straining on the reader.

Overall, I like the second one a lot better. Make some changes, similar to those suggested by Vid and I may like that one more. ;)

+rep. Nice job. Keep righting....

Oh, and one more piece of advice:

Read other poems and critique them. Offer valuable comments (not just one liners or "I like this"). Think about what they are writing and how they transitioned. This will help you improve as a writer! <3.

[ladyrukia]

thank you to all. i really need this advice. i never written poetry so it my first time and i need all the help i can get