My Exs

[ladyrukia]

When I was younger
you played wit my heart
You left it on the floor
broken and bleeding
I cried for nights
till I decided to
be happy again
now I have an
even better man
who loves me
an cares for me
better then you can
I hope that your jealous
of me and my man





so i just edited my my poem hope it sounds better

[Chi]

hmmmm... well this is a valiant effort at expressing a strong emotion. Here's what i would recommend.

"When I was younger
you played wit my heart.
You left it on the floor
broken and bleeding
I cried for nights
not knowing if i
could be happy again.
But now I have
a new man, a better man
and he loves and cares for me
He's better then you ever were
I hope that your jealous
of me and my better man."

some suggestions of the top of my head... some of the lines seem a lil petty so i ommited them.

[ladyrukia]

thanks for the suggestions

[vidDa]

What Chi said, and you don't need to write it all from once.
EXAMPLE:
When I was younger,
you played with my heart
You left it on the floor
broken and bleeding.

I cried for nights
till I decided to
be happy again

Now I have...
an even better man,
who loves me,
and cares for me.

Better then you can,
I hope that your jealous
of me and my man.

Keep em commin'! ^^

Damn, I must write again or I'll get rusty ^^

[ladyrukia]

thanks for all the help. i still workin and waitin them to come

[Do'Urden]

Love is a tough emotion to write about. I don't think I could ever tell someone to re-write a piece from the heart, and I always give respect to anyone who puts their work out there to be dissected by other people. sooo...Kudos kid! Keep writing with raw emotion, and everything else will follow.

[ladyrukia]

thanks babe i really need to hear that