Poetry Battle: Katen vs silverwolf801

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Theme: Innocence
Style: Any

First to six votes wins

I'll post my poem as soon as you have posted yours and then the voting will begin.

[silverwolf801]

Innocence

I once was a shining star
I could do no wrong and that took me far
I once played with everyone
Without a second thought it was fun

I used to touch and feel without an intent
I used to listen and go to were I was sent

But now I am no longer a shining star
I no longer go anywhere but to my car
I no longer play with everyone
Because I no longer find it fun

I still touch and feel but now do it with the intent to steal
I will also still listen to were I am sent when I am told to make my decent behind bars.

I sit down and think and think and think how could this star fall so far

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Show me Something

Ringing in my head when I’ve long since gone to bed
Are my own contented thoughts as my free will slowly rots
There’s no chance I might be wrong I’ve been thinking for so long
But what I refuse to see is that I am not the key
To the hopes and to the prayers that they say within their lairs
Deep down out of sight there is nothing that is right
I’ve been taught that since the day I was born and that’s ok
I won’t step outside my cage I wont fuel my inner rage
Because I don’t know what’s there I sit without a care
Languid in my sleep I always slip to deep
Don’t you see his smile let’s keep him happy for awhile
Please just tell me what is real maybe then I’ll truly feel
Anything


(Let the voting begin)

[zen]

My vote goes to silv because his seems more accurate for innocence. Also the rymes don't seem forced.

[Toasty]

My vote goes to Silver.

I honestly liked Katen's poem better overall, but I couldn't find the meaning of "innocence" in it.

Silver, you poem was very hard to read because of grammatical reasons. I am not sure if they were purposeful or not, but here were some of my problems:

I once was shining star

While the "a" is not necessary for a sentence, it is to get the full meaning. It may have been better to have said:

"I once was a shining star."

There were many other small issues. Punctuation really helps in poetry (in any writing, actually). Without it, the reader losing some meaning. If you were to say the following sentence aloud, it could be read several ways:

He looked at her but she was angry.

It sounds like:

He looked at her butt. She was angry.

But the real meaning is:

He looked at her, but she was angry.

So punctuation DOES matter to get the meaning across. Please use it more. Especially in the very long two lines at the end. I almost lost the meaning and had to read it twice.

Also, Katen, I do agree with Bludd. You rhymes seemed a bit forced in this one. Poetry, to me, has a pulse that you read to. It helps the flow of the poems. Your rhymes in each line were all on different "pulses" and I had to reread lines to get the rhythm of them. Overall, nice job on the poem, Katen. Try to keep the topic in mind more when you write. If I need an explanation to find the topic, it may not be as obvious as you think. :) Well, good job.

As I said, my vote goes to Silver.

[Chi]

I vote Silver, he's more on theme.

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

The way mine fit the theme was that it was someone's sub conscience longing not to be innocent of the things around them anymore. Since everyone seems to be asking XD.

(btw im getting pwned)

[Joe Black]

i enjoyed Katen's poem more for the effective use of internal rhyme as well as the subtlty of theme which transcends to the essence of internal struggle to restrain one's self from others to preserve their well being.

silverwolf's was also good, but I just felt more of a connection with Katen's

[Tai Dai]

Im voting for silver

I like how his view of innocence is accurate at the beginning, and then how it shows how it changes over age, and especially the whole extended metaphor of Innocence being compared to a fallen star.

I really liked yours too Katen, but i felt more if a connection with silver's poem.
Nice job

[Do'Urden]

I'm diggin Katen. Silver did a good job illustrating a loss of the innocence of a child. It was hard for me to connect with that though, and his wording was a bit weak.

Katen's poem took a little more insight to understand. When I read it I thought of a prisoner looking out at the world. It felt like a lament to the loss of innocence in life. That no matter what you do once you lose your innocence there is no way to get it back.

Vote: Katen. Straight up.

[Yamamoto]

I would have to go for silv for this one :)

I like it's simplicity, and the flow and rhyme is reminiscent of a children's rhyme as well, but yeah as Toasty said punctuation would really help at bits like this line:

I will also still listen to were I am sent when I am told to make my decent behind bars.

Silv's poem just connected with me more than Katen's. Also might I suggest, a consideration in format Katen (breaks/stanzas)? Not only would it be easier to read, but helps group together certain ideas together as well..

..unless you intended that :)

Also a few errors like 'where' and 'descent'.

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

The score is 5 to 2. One more vote for silver and he wins.

Thanks for all the comments guys. Looking back I think I should have put my poem through a few more revisions. But I still think its good, so there. XD

[vidDa]

I vote for silver. In my hones oppinion he had a better flow than you and I connected to it more. Your's was great, too, just it didn't feel right for me thats all.

/Man, must I deliver a finishing blow :p/

EDIT: Overall, you both deserve a +rep for great poems.

[silverwolf801]

hm yea i really should have proof read my work but I had to do it quick right off the top. I wanted to get the match stated as fast as possible.

[Toasty]

@ Silver: Oh, I've been there, done that! hah!

It's easy to rush these Poetry Battle poems. Just take a moment to breath before you make the post. Walk away, get a glass of water or whatever you drink, come back, reread, then post. Force it. I mean, Katen can wait an extra thirty minutes. ;P

<3.

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Yeah maybe with an extra 30 minutes I could have made mine a bit better too. lol. Anyway great job silver, battle over.

[silverwolf801]

thanks man