My Father, your son

[Sin]

Hello Father,

It's been a while hasn't it?

I was thinking just the other day of all the things i wanted to tell you. I need to ask you a few questions to which am sure you'll have no response and easily dismiss this as redundant jargon. I need to know if when I was born and you held me in your arms where you disgusted? Were you happy to have your one and only child? Did you look at my mother with loving eyes and proclaim me your son? Or did you see me as a chore, a responsibility that you didn't really want?

I only ask because I often wonder why you weren't there till 9 years later... matter of fact since I was two, I never even saw you two in the same country let alone the same room. Do you regret my birth, is that why you prepared me for failure? Isn't it even a little bit odd to you, that my only decent memories of you was when someone else died? Is foreshadowing that the only time you and I will love one another is when one of us has died?

You claimed me a failure, but let me ask you by which measure of success am I being gauge with? Where you disappointed that my eyes weren't quite as blue with a hint of Grey like yours? Were you mad that my skin didn't reflect the look of either you or mom's? Did you mutter the words "that's not my baby" to yourself? If not then i say the measure of my failure as your son can only be measured by your failure as a father... look at my hands dad, they're died red permanently stained with the blood and stench of death of countless men, who i fought and killed to protect you with. So how could have i failed?

I am a good man, i fought dozens of battles and the pain i carry within has yet to corrupt me. I made dozens of friend to whom I was all i could be too. Should i die tomorrow i know you will feel nothing, and that you'll only be glad to be rid of the burden that you see me as to the great family name. The black sheep who had it all but took nothing. You wouldn't cry or shed a tear, i bet you would laugh and finally admit to all how much it is you really hate me.

On my birthdays as a kid i could see the great levels of hate and disdain... you never taught me anything... not how to be a man, a friend or good person. All you ever did was work, now you claim you did it all so i could have a good home and a place to stay but the point still remains you weren't there. All that I am, I am because the world made me this way. So take a look at the man you abandoned and though i may die in a strange land with no child to carry on my name, no body to bury into the ground, no funeral and no honorifics, I will have accomplished far more then you did.

Your son

[KaidaSorano]

Hmmm, Well I'm here to cnc like you asked Chi, but be warned i don't do this very often.

idk... I liked it.
as i read it, it stirred something deep i don't usually feel. I think its a bold approach to something that is quite impossible to convey in a person to person environment. It's eloquent (as much as it can get for a son to father letter) and well iterated? I'm not sure if that's exactly what i mean but it should be close enough...

I've never really been good at explaining why i like something, its usually i just do..

[Decado]

Hmmm, Well I'm here to cnc like you asked Chi
Yar, as am I.

Hello Father,

been a while hasn't it?

I was thinking just the other day of all the things i wanted to tell you. How do you feel? are you well?
Just small things atm, like a capital letter at the start of each sentence would make it look neater.

I need to ask you a few questions to which am sure you'll have no respond
response* because you're in present tone

When i was born and you held me in your arms?
Grammar error. The sentence shouldn't stop here. This isn't a question. Needs to be a comma instead of question mark and continue to the next sentence.

I only ask because I often wandered
wonder*

why you weren't there till 9 years later... matter of fact since i was 2 i never even saw you too
two*

in the same country let alone the same room?
Don't need a question mark at the end, it's a statement.

Isn't even a little bit odd to you that my only decent memories of you was when someone else died?
Isn't it*

You claimed me a failure, but let me ask you by which measure of success am I being gaged with?
gauged*

Where you dissapointed
disappointed

If not then i say the measure of my failure as your son can only be measured by your failure as a father... look at my hands dad, they're died red permanently stained with the blood and stench of death of countless men, who i fought and killed to protect you with?
again, don't need a question mark.

I made dozens of friend to whom i was all i could be too
Doesn't make much sense. If you omit the "too" at the end it seems ok.

On my birthdays as a kid i could see the great levels of hate and disdain... you never thought me one thing. not how to be a man, a friend or good person.
taught*

All you did was ever work and claim you did it all so i could have a good home and a place to stay, but you weren't a there.
All you ever did was work*

and

you weren't there (remove the a)*

i'll will have accomplished for more then you did.
I will

or

I'll

No need to repeat both :)

What's worse that dad?
Do you mean "what's worse than that* dad"?

I know your
You're*

cause i don't want to be you, anyways goodbye for now dad.
because*

If you want to slang it use "cos" - cause implies something else.

From a literary point of view, I would say that the theme is fine, but the way it's presented, not so much. A son would complain in this matter to the father but that's what it comes across as, dire complaints. (Non-literary: A father of this nature would have long ceased to keep reading.)

It didn't seem to flow, rather attack the father throughout with rhetoric questions. While that is the right of the son it doesn't entirely make addictive reading, because even though it did portray aspects of the relationship, there was little emotional connection.

[Cassie]

Might sound a bit harsh, but I'm a lot better at critiquing than praising, just my personality.

What strikes me here is inconsistent word choice. Half of the word choice gives off the imagery of a prince in a royal family that tries his hardest to please his father, the king. Clive Owen comes to my mind for some reason. The other half, gives off the imagery of an Eminem song, especially when he sings about his childhood and his relationships with his mom. A prime example here is your start of "Hello Father", in a very formal way. But as the story progresses, there are uses of "dad", which is more modern and informal, highlighted by the phrase "goodbye for now dad" towards the very bottom.

Also, you use words like "battle", "blood", "stench", "death", "countless men" that are often used in descriptions of ancient battles. Once again, Clive Owen in King Arthur comes to my mind. Then, you have words like "movie" and "baby" that signifies a very typical modern setting.

Lastly, I see some other words that sends off the wrong image. The first four paragraphs, starting with the beginning, "Hello Father", and ending with "indulge my madness", I really thought that this letter was written to a Father in the church. Once again, you're looking at two completely different settings, in that the modern world everyday father would not be accustomed to phrases like "redundant jargon", "serenity and sanctity", and "indulge my madness".

Finally, you have some grammar errors and typos. Do proof read.

Since you say that this isn't fiction, I can't give much input as far as the story itself goes. Hope I've been of help.

[Sin]

Hmmm i edited for the grammar portions and took out some parts that weren't necessary.

@Hrist: he still listens and responds its just that hes in denial about it all. We do connect and the weird part is that the connection is strong but out of my entire life we maybe only connected 3 or 4 times. He thinks i am wasting my life working in the government and military and that i should be a doctor or lawyer and become rich like him. What's worse is that he gets pissed off because money doesn't interest me or motivate me so for that i am dubbed the black sheep of my family. Weird i know...

[Isis]

Your story and format seem a little off, although I know what you're trying to portray. Obviously, I get a little annoyed when things are not in caps where they should be and where there are no pauses, but it is your style :p

I need to ask you a few questions to which am sure you'll have no response and easily dismiss this as redundant jargon.
"..Which I'm sure you'll have no response to, and..."

I only ask because I often wonder why you weren't there till 9 years later... matter of fact since I was two, I never even saw you two in the same country let alone the same room.
Your second line actually confuses me, even though I know what you're saying. I suggest saying 'two years old', and exchange 'you two' to 'you and mum/mom', just so people can identify.

Where you disappointed that my eyes weren't quite as blue with a hint of Grey like yours?
Were* & grey*

look at my hands dad, they're died red permanently stained with the blood and stench of death of countless men
dyed*

I made dozens of friend to whom I was all i could be too.
friends*; the second part is a bit iffy to relate to, its a tad confusing.

I will have accomplished far more then you did.
than*; You would make a stronger impact if you said something like "more than you ever did".

I know that's it's a basis of what you're going through, yet I do agree with Hrist. I know it is in your style to mix modern language with older language, but this one is on a fine line between integrating the two, and just adding random words in.

In a general opinion, it's a pretty good portrayal but in a literature opinion, it could be worked on. You know I don't criticise if I didn't need to, but you're a great writer so I know what you're capable of doing :)

[Lex]

Between Iladys and Dec there are no more mistakes! I think of all your work this one I really liked the most. I know how you feel :winking56.
You should do more stories/letters.