Starlight

[A&E]

STARLIGHT

Purpose: I’m planning for “Starlight” to be a series of short stories, which I’ll update weekly (hopefully) to hone my skills as a writer. That’s the chief objective, at least. The other objective is to have fun. :p

Genre: Drama, Science Fiction, Western

Setting: Post-apocalyptic Earth

Premise: Following the cessation of international nuclear warfare that nearly destroyed Earth, the war's aggressor, an ingenious, revolutionary organization called Solace of Starlight (SOS), sought to finish the job. SOS assigned one of its top agents to track down an obscure ex-scientist who held the key to locating the world’s deadliest atomic weapon. The organization's ultimate goals were to use this weapon to finalize the destruction of Earth initiated in the previous war, then recolonize civilization in space.

Note: Please bear in mind that this is a work in progress and that I haven’t had the time to revise it as thoroughly as I did with my last story. The writing here is raw and unpolished, to put it frankly. Also, I haven't plotted everything out story-wise, so I'm basically coming up with new ideas as I go along. So remember: comments and critiques are ESSENTIAL in helping me improve and are also very much APPRECIATED. :)

[A&E]

Part I: Betty DuPont

The cobweb-coated saloon was bustling with chatter and gossip of matters pertaining to everything from the latest revolver firearm to the disappearance of the town’s most prolific and beloved singer, Betty DuPont. The dim and unsteady fluorescent lights fluttered playfully as the crowd mingled throughout the bar. Pints of beer were being emptied down the gullets of cowboys and refilled by the minute, courtesy of the bartender and his lasciviously dressed can-can girls.

The rambunctious crowd, undoubtedly composed of wanted men, petty marauders, devious prostitutes and low-profile murderers, seemingly left the complications of their troubled lives at the saloon’s door and took pleasure in the much-needed, gratifying break at hand. The majority of these shady characters basked in the night of liberation as if it were their last; barring one man who sat quietly at the edge of the saloon’s bar.

Dressed in dark, Western attire, the lethargic cowboy had his elbows on top of the cherry wood counter with his garb-matching hat lowered to conceal his scruffy face. The can-can girls made failed attempts at pursuing the quiet man with their unprincipled choice of words as he sat listlessly, downing his whiskey.

"Quit your damn dilly-dallying and get back to serving these men their drinks!” The plump bartender yelled after the giggling can-can girls, watching them scramble away from the grimly-dressed gentleman. “Sorry about that there, Jack.”

The man cleared his throat, scratched his dark hair and lowered his hat further over his face. The bartender grimaced at Jack and proceeded to wipe off the edge of the bar. After placing his pint down, Jack turned his head toward an intoxicated man slamming chaotic tunes on the saloon’s upright piano. Jack narrowed his hazy, steel blue eyes at the unskilled pianist and grinned faintly.

“You wanna quiet it down over there, buddy?” The low, gruff words had finally mumbled out of the enigmatic man’s mouth.

The drunken man, not hearing Jack, continued pounding his thick palms on stray keys while prattling incoherently with his friends. Jack briefly sighed and grunted as he reached down to his holster and pulled out one of the two single-shot pistols he had carried with him. Without blinking or changing expressions, Jack aimed and shot the pistol at the inebriated man’s temple.

Once the bullet had penetrated through the drunkard’s skull, and the blood had splattered against the wall, Jack picked himself up from his seat at the bar and slowly walked towards the saloon’s exit; ignoring the transition from laughter and enjoyment to cries and panic.

Before his hand could even reach the saloon door, Jack heard several pistols releasing their triggers. Jack’s eyes squinted over his shoulder, his lips forming a confident, but mischievous smirk.

“Ahem. Whip Holt, accountable for the abduction and murder of Betty DuPont.” Jack had spoken the charge as eloquently as a police officer would, if not more domineeringly.

The bandits, ready to execute Jack where he stood, hesitantly lowered their weapons, as well as their jaws upon the words which came from the mysterious man's mouth. The can-can girls gasped and murmured from behind the stout bartender, who appeared mortified from hearing Jack’s unfounded claim.

“Proof!” A stammering voice called from the rear of the saloon while others yelled in accordance.

“The ring.” Jack muttered, still facing away from the shaken crowd, his hand now placed atop the saloon’s batwing doors. “On his left middle finger.”

One of the bandits stooped down next to the bloodied Whip Holt and removed a refined gold ring from the suspected killer’s middle finger.

“It’s hers!” One of the can-can girls shrieked, leaning curiously over the bar and initiating loud gasps of shock and conformity from the crowd.

“She never removed it,” Jack said, finally walking through the swinging doors, leaving the bar and its occupants in sheer, spluttering disbelief.

***


The cool night’s wind and fresh air provided a pleasant change from the muggy tavern Jack had walked out of. The desolate ghost town where he now stood was paralleled by two rows of wooden, ramshackle buildings. A small draft of wind had created a cloud of dust which enveloped the unsullied air Jack had breathed in with gratitude.

He sighed as loud clamoring and altercations began to form from inside the rundown saloon; the building’s weak lights flickered about as a result of the consistent movement from the panicking horde inside. Jack shook his head and kicked his boot aimlessly at the swirling dust at his feet, listening as gunshots began to succeed roaring squabbles and profane disagreements. It was at that moment he heard a faint, but alarmed neigh coming from the side of the tavern.

He smiled and walked over to the hitching post where a dark stallion was tied. He patted the horse gently and rubbed smoothly under its neck.

“You ready to leave this corrupt town, Major?” Jack whispered into the horse’s ear as it neighed stridently. Jack laughed.

“All the towns are corrupt, you say?” The somberly-dressed man smiled at Major and then stared at the ground, mulling over optimistic replies to provide his steed. “Well, we’ll just have to figure…”

Jack’s knees suddenly gave out causing him to nearly collapse. It was a sensational feeling he had felt all too often in the past and now it had gripped at his conscious so aggressively, he was forced to grab onto Major to support himself upright. I’ve found you.

The coarseness of these hollow words boiled violently in Jack’s head. Despite this twinge of displeasure, Jack still managed to muster that customary devilish smirk across his face.

“Where are you?” Jack’s voice grunted hoarsely, as he looked up and down the empty road, still holding feebly onto Major’s loin.

The largest boulder outside of town.

The voice chuckled slightly and then faded; releasing Jack from the piercing sensation it wrought. The exasperated cowboy gasped harshly for breath, as if he had been held under water against his will.

“Well…she’s found us, Major.” Jack’s voice groaned through the cracked smirk on his face while his eyes displayed utter trepidation.

[Kefka]

fluttered playfully as the crowd intermixed throughout the bar.

intermixed breaks the flow, mingled seems a better word choice here.


Good diction, feels like an old Western. Great imagery and an all-around well written story. Keep it up A&E!

[Joe Black]

From reading your works, one of your greatest strengths remains to be your ability to describe clear and vivid images for setting. The mood, plot and characterization are well established.

The only thing I could point out that I think is wrong is your usage of the semicolon, as it's main purpose is to seperate interdependent statements. For example,
"The cluster of these shady characters basked in this night of liberation as if it were their last; all except for one man who sat quietly at the edge of the saloon’s bar."
The sentence before the semicolon is interdependent. The one after it is dependent, so the usage of the colon would be more suitable. again, I only think that's right since I need to touch up on English.

but you shouldn't be worried. that's just me being extremely finiky. casual readers will still enjoy your work, just as I have.

[A&E]

intermixed breaks the flow, mingled seems a better word choice here.Haha, you won't believe this, but mingled was actually my first choice of words for that sentence. I have no idea why I switched it out for intermixed. :sad But you're absolutely right, it flows much better with mingled.
The only thing I could point out that I think is wrong is your usage of the semicolon, as it's main purpose is to seperate interdependent statements. For example,
"The cluster of these shady characters basked in this night of liberation as if it were their last; all except for one man who sat quietly at the edge of the saloon’s bar."
The sentence before the semicolon is interdependent. The one after it is dependent, so the usage of the colon would be more suitable. again, I only think that's right since I need to touch up on English.You've discovered my greatest flaw: my common misusage of the semicolon! :Haha But to be honest, since we're separating an independent phrase from a dependent phrase, I think a comma would work best in this case with the disposal of "all"...

The cluster of these shady characters basked in this night of liberation as if it were their last, except for one man who sat quietly at the edge of the saloon’s bar.

Ugh, I don't know. That whole sentence needs to be rephrased, but I'll be sure to keep an eye out for silly punctuation errors like this in the future. I believe I made quite a few of them in this first draft.

Thanks for the C&C, you guys. It means a lot. :)

[Hime-chan]

nice job A&E, I really like this story so far.Keep up the good work, I think you're an awesome writer and you'll be even better once you overcome your greatest flaw. ^_^

[A&E]

Buahaha, thanks for the encouragement, Hime. :p

[Lex]

Wow! I think I'll be keeping an eye on this thread.
Kudos, this caught my attention almost immediately. I await with baited breath for more information on this story.

[A&E]

Lol, well, you may have to wait a little bit longer. I started back uni this week and that combined with work has kept me swamped. So, unfortunately, for the few who care, I'll have to postpone this week's chapter/part/whatever you want to call it until next week.

Please, please. Hold back your tears. :p