Descon's Travels

[Shikaku]

Chapter one:


Descon looked upon the city with carful eyes from the mountain top. He noticed that it seemed to be a very busy city. It kind of reminded him of his home town. Descon looked at Rukia and said "It is time for us to part ways." He knew that she wanted to go find Kelso and he wasn't going to stop her. They said good bye and she kept fallowing the mountian range to get to Descon's home town and he jumped off the mountain heading for the city. Descon used his sand to carry him over the thick green forest to save time. Before he knew it he was at the city gate. It was a beautiful gate hand carved out of stone with strange designs painted on its frame. It is sitting open welcoming people in to the town. Descon walks through the gate and into the town.

next chapter coming soon........

[Pyramus]

Chapter one:


Descon looked upon the city with careful eyes from the mountain top. He noticed that it seemed to be a very busy city. It kind of reminded him of his home town. Descon looked at Rukia and said,

"It is time for us to part ways?" He knew that she wanted to go find Kelso and he wasn't going to stop her. They said goodbye and she kept following the mountian range to get to Descon's home town and he jumped off the mountain heading for the city. Descon used his sand to carry him over the thick green forest to save time. Before he knew it he was at the city gate. It was a beautiful gate hand carved out of stone with strange designs painted on its frame. It is sitting open welcoming people in to the town. Descon walks through the gate and into the town.

next chapter coming soon........

Ok, I just corrected some grammer for you. Also, I wanted to know if this is meant to be a fanfic, because in that case it is in the wrong section.

Also, this is incredibly short! It is literly a paragraph long. You should learn to write more for each chapter.

Also towards the end you change from past tense to present tense:

It is sitting open welcoming people in to the town. Descon walks through the gate and into the town.

Also the story seems all crushed together:

They said goodbye and she kept following the mountian range to get to Descon's home town and he jumped off the mountain heading for the city.

Their isn't time to breath in that sentance, personally I think it would look better if it was:

They said goodbye to each other. Rukia started going back along the mountain range towards Descon's home town. Descon meanwhile, jumped off the mountain and started to head towards the city.

That's all for now, you could become a great writer if you keep practicing. Don't forget to make your chapters clearer, longer and most importantly, not jumping from past to present tense!

[Butter-Fly]

I agree with pyramus, you could become a great writer
also maybe make your chapters abit longer
just to satisfy abit more
But your good XD