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asian
01-16-2006, 05:53 AM
So this is a quick short story i wrote for an english grade. i thought i would put it up here for the hell of it. hope you guys like it

“The frat-boys surrounded him; there would be no escaping a wedgie now.” Tatsuki read. She looked up from her book, her jet black bangs randomly falling on her face. What am I reading? She thought. She closed the book she received from a friend in America, and placed it on the table next to the plate of sushi with three bowls filled with different sauces. She stood up and stretched; her arms high over her head. Tatsuki was a regular nineteen year old teenager. She was 5’6, with long raven black hair that framed her pale delicate face. She rubbed her eyes; which were a dark shade of purple with a golden iris. She looked normal except her job was something no one would imagine. She was an assassin; performing missions to destroy the world of the people who committed sins God could never forgive. She looked at her partner, Masaki. Masaki was also nineteen. She had sleek, black hair with crimson tips. She was 5’7 with intense brown eyes that were usually cold and distant.
“What?” Masaki asked coldly looking up from her usual hobby of drawing characters from various animes.
“Oh, nothing!” Tatsuki said cheerfully.
“Don’t act like that.” Masaki glared. “We’re assassins, there’s no room for emotion.”
Tatsuki opened her mouth to argue except her cell phone began to play “Mixed Up” by UVERworld. She opened the phone and put it on speaker.
“I have a new mission.” A deep, quiet voice said from the phone. “His name is Yamazaki Akira. He’s been involved in various drug rings and behind several murders. He will be at his flat in downtown Tokyo. The mission will begin at 23:00. You will receive a fax with his picture and location in it shortly.” The phone clicked and a loud dial tone filled the room.
“No…” Tatsuki said; her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at the phone. “It can’t be…” The humming noise of the fax printing came from the corner of the small apartment. Masaki got up and took the papers. She handed the papers to Tatsuki after glancing at the information.
“What’s wrong with you?” Masaki asked still holding out the papers to the unresponsive Tatsuki.
“Akira…” Tatsuki said. “He’s…my…boyfriend…”
“You know better.” Masaki said. “This mission will be carried out, whether you like it or not.” She turned and walked into her room, changing for the mission slowly drawing closer. Tatsuki looked at the papers Masaki placed on the table next to the phone. A photo of Akira was looking at up her, a smile on his face but a strange look in his eyes. She shook her head, refusing to believe Akira would do such horrible things. Tatsuki sat there until she heard Masaki’s door open.
“Come on,” Masaki said; wearing a black outfit. “It’s time to go.”
“I’m not going.” Tatsuki said; her eyes unusually blank.
“What?” Masaki asked.
“I’m not going, I refuse the believe Akira would do those things…” Tatsuki said.
“You’re going. You know the information we get is 100% accurate.” Masaki replied. “Besides, you’re going to regret it if you refuse.” Tatsuki sat in the same position until Masaki roughly grabbed her arm and dragged her into her room. Masaki went through Tatsuki’s drawers until she found a pair of black pants and a black shirt similar to her own. She tossed them on the bed next to Tatsuki and crossed her arms.
“I’m not going.” Tatsuki repeated.
“If you’re not going then you can’t confirm what Akira did was true.” Masaki said; knowing Tatsuki couldn’t refuse.
“Fine…” Tatsuki said after a moment’s hesitation. Masaki smirked and turned around as Tatsuki began changing. Several minutes later Tatsuki finished and they both left her room. They walked to the kitchen counter and placed their hands underneath. They both pulled out katanas which were suspended under the countertop with hooks. They tied their katanas to their waist and opened the window. They climbed out and jumped off the ledge, grabbing onto the fire staircase on the apartment building next to them. They quickly climbed down and took empty alleyways to Akira’s flat; letting the shadows created by the moonlight hide them from passersby. Half an hour later they arrived at the address indicated on the apartment building. They both jumped up, grabbing the fire escape stairs on the side of the apartment complex and they slowly and stealthy made their way to the target’s room. They hung on the ledge and looked inside. The room with pitch black, a small light coming from the phone which sat on the kitchen table. Masaki pulled out a small sharp dagger strapped to her leg. She cut a gap that they both could easily slip through at the bottom of the window. She pushed one side of the rectangle she cut and grabbed the other edge as it stuck out. Tatsuki helped pull out the window wedge and they placed it on the stairs. Masaki slipped in and slowly looked around. She nodded at Tatsuki and helped her inside. They both slowly unsheathed their katanas; the quiet noise of the blade rubbing against the sheath filling the room. They heard footsteps coming down the hallway and they both looked for spots to hide in. Masaki hid in the little gap between the refrigerator and the wall while Tatsuki hid behind the back of the couch, keeping her body as flat as possible. The doorknob jingled as someone was unlocking the door. Light from the hallway spilled into the room as the door opened. Akira sighed as he entered the room, turned on the light and tossed his keys on the coffee table. His phone rang and he picked it up, walking around the room.
“Hello?” he asked. He walked towards the couch and Tatsuki slowly moved out of his sight. “No! I knew he was going to betray us! He’s going to face the consequences; get rid of him and make sure it won’t get traced to us.” Tatsuki’s eyes widened as the words sank into her. She grit her teeth and gripped the hilt of her katana tightly. The quiet beep of the phone was heard and they heard a door close and water running. Tatsuki got out of her hiding spot and Masaki got out of hers.
“He…really…” Tatsuki said; choking back tears. Masaki stayed silent and looked at her with sympathy in her eyes. The water stopped running and they both looked up as the door to the bathroom opened. Akira looked at Masaki and Tatsuki in surprise as they looked at him.
“Tatsuki!” he said. “What are you doing here?” He began walking towards her then she glared at him, making him stop in his tracks.
“You’re disgusting…” she said.
“So, you found out my little secret.” Akira said smirking. “Yeah, I’ve done terrible things, what are you going to do about it?”
“Make sure you never repeat those sins!” Masaki yelled charging at Akira. Akira smirked as he dodged Masaki’s katana. Masaki gasped as she felt something cold pierce her stomach. Tatsuki looked down in horror to see Akira holding a dagger in his hand, which was lodged into Masaki’s stomach.
“Masaki…” Tatsuki muttered. Akira swiftly pulled out the dagger and Masaki fell to the floor, her breathing shallow.
“What are you going to do Tatsuki?” Akira asked. “Your little friend is going to die, but you would never hurt me.” Akira walked to Tatsuki who quickly raised her katana.
“Akira, don’t!” Tatsuki yelled. Akira smirked and placed his hand on the dull side of the blade and slowly pushed it down. He looked down at Tatsuki, his face inches away from hers.
“I knew you wouldn’t be able to harm me.” Akira said; his breath on her lips. “You love me too much; you can’t bring yourself to do it.” Akira smirked and pressed his lips on Tatsuki’s. Tatsuki froze and pressed her eyes closed. Her hands shook as she lifted her katana. She pushed Akira back with her free hand and plunged her katana into his heart. He looked at her in disbelief.
“May you suffer for your sins.” Tatsuki said with hatred in her eyes. Akira fell to his knees as you pulled your katana out of his chest. Masaki got up, grabbing her wound.
“Masaki!” Tatsuki said.
“I’m alright.” She said looking at Akira.
“B…but you love me…” Akira said still in shock.
“I loved the you I thought I knew. Besides, I’m an assassin…there’s no room for emotion.” Tatsuki said turning around and leaving the apartment with Masaki.

Pipp-ORK
01-16-2006, 07:33 AM
Ohh. Ouch. X_X There's may not be any room for emotion, but there's certainly room for couple's management. :eek13:

'Neways, it's really good. ^_^ There's more, right??

SLVR
01-16-2006, 09:12 AM
Oh man. That was great asian. Cool ending. Feel sorry fer Tatsuki

MissShizuka
01-16-2006, 05:32 PM
So moving... I <3 it!!!!!!!!!!!

asian
01-16-2006, 05:33 PM
lol thanks guys.
sorry pipp-chan, no more that was the end! i could always make another one...if i'm not lazy XD

Shaehl
01-16-2006, 06:45 PM
Quite interesting. However, I noticed a few faults. Lack of variety was the big one. Mainly in sentence structure and wording. For instance, in this paragraph:

(She was 5’6, with long raven black hair that framed her pale delicate face. She rubbed her eyes; which were a dark shade of purple with a golden iris. She looked normal except her job was something no one would imagine. She was an assassin; performing missions to destroy the world of the people who committed sins God could never forgive. She looked at her partner, Masaki. Masaki was also nineteen. She had sleek, black hair with crimson tips. She was 5’7 with intense brown eyes that were usually cold and distant.)

You start 7 out of 8 sentences with the word, "She". Throughout your story, I've noticed that almost every sentence begins with words like: He, she, the, it or a person's name. It is extremely redundant. One of the most importance rules of writing is to avoid being redundant. It is distracting, awkward, and becomes tiring to read. Instead of starting your sentences with a pronoun or the subject every single time, spice things up by beginning with the verb, or prepositional phrase. An example from some of my writing:

(Trudging through the snow with Xaer, Serra marveled at the deadly beauty of her frozen surroundings. Winter had painted its image upon the open canvas of the elevated land, and it was truly a sight to behold. However, Serra would have greatly preferred to admire the glacial scene from afar. The cold was numbing.)

I try to start sentences differently every time. Depending on the length of the paragraph, even beginning a sentence the same way tiwce should be avoided. Speaking of paragraphs, you can make your writing immensly more interesting for the readers if you implement them. Looking at long walls of text against the bright, white background of the computer screen can hurt the eyes. Plus, they make things seem much more organized.

Lastly, a tip for writing descriptions: It is usually best to describe things indirectly. When you simply tell us how something looks or feels (i.e. Masaki was also nineteen. She had sleek, black hair with crimson tips. She was 5’7 with intense brown eyes that were usually cold and distant.) the reader's eyes tend to want to skip over the description. Try revealing the features, appearance and personalities of things through outside forces, or actions. For example take this passage from a story of mine:

(A gust of wind tossed flowing lengths of jet-black hair about his imposing, slender form as if to accentuate the severity of his words.)

I used the wind to indirectly add description to my character. I could have simply made a descriptive list of all his attributes (Example: His form was imposing and slender. He had long, jet-black hair. His... etc.) at the begining the the chapter/story, but that would take away from the flow and overall quality of my writing.

Anyway, that's all I can think of for now. Keep up the good work.

MooL
01-16-2006, 07:23 PM
Very interesting, Asian. I liked your idea of female assassins. As I read it, I immediately thought of O-Ren Ishii from Kill Bill Vol. 1--funny, huh.

I did notice your paragraph going off into details describing Tatsuki's and Masaki's looks, and like Shaehl, I would work on indirectly describing a character's description. Just be careful when "listing" off things like that.

Also, grammatically, there are hardly any problems. I did notice some puncutation mistakes (i.e. "'Don’t act like that.' Masaki glared." in which the period should be changed to a comma.). I know that sounds so trivial, but it's just a little thing I noticed.

The action scene is probably the strongest in the story, being very lively anyway.

I hope you post more of your works for us! =)

Hollow
01-18-2006, 07:18 AM
good story very moving

asian
01-18-2006, 10:40 PM
hehe tnaks for the adivce guys ^.^
i'll make a new story...soon...sometime...eventually...X_X