Sit back.

[Gotheic Requiem]

She sucked the tip of her pen, paused for a while, before starting to write. Nobody would bother her anyway, she was the plague. The uncool kid, the emo, the freak. Nobody saw her for what she really was. Nobody saw the her inside, through her facade of lies. She thought, and smiled. Was it a true smile? She had forgotten how to feel long ago. Was her heart beginning to thaw? She was numb to all this shit already. In the corner of the library, she begun her incoherent lines of thought.

The weak shall die
And the strong shall triumph
That is,
the way of life

Cold and bitter
Those people they
Don't understand me yet
Judgement pass

She stopped. It's true, those people don't understand anything but they pass judgement on me. They will never understand. Never. She tilt back her head, and cried.

[Shaehl]

Alright, I won't critique the content, as it is rather short, but I noticed some things that could use improvement.

Your second sentence states that "Nobody would bother her anyway..." Have you given us reason to believe that there would be any reason to bother her in the first place? In its current placement, the sentence seems to come out of nowhere. Also, your sentences become redundant as most begin with the same kind of word. The sentence, "She was numb to all this shit already." Seems to contradict the rest of the piece. She says that no one bothers with her. Yet that sentence implies that unjust, or unwanted actions are being done.

Another seeming inconsistancy: You write that maybe her heart is beginning to thaw. That suggests that she is warming up to something, which is obviously not the case as demonstrated by the rest of the story.

On to the end, you write that nobody understands her, yet they still pass judgement on her. Again, this seems to contradict the "Nobody would bother her..." statement. Perhaps explaining why nobody bothers her, or what that entails would make things flow better.

As for the last sentence, it seems almost humorus.
A. We are not sufficiently connected to the character yet, you have given us insubstantial thoughts about her life, yet no examples or concrete details to bring it home.
B. We progress through the story with only one "sense" used for description. That being thought. Try to incorporate touch, sight, sound, smell and all the other senses to draw in your readers more.
C. As a response to her current thoughts and situation, crying seems absurd.
D. You write that she has put up a facade of lies, that no one sees through, and she is upset by this. You might consider rewording those parts unless you did that intentionally.

[bbyxgurl]

thats pretty good

[Anil]

Shaehl is right... you're character right now is all torn emotion... understandable, and I can see where you are coming from, but the real thing that is throwing it off is that there is no opening scene...

There's nothing there that helps us understand what a day in this person's life must be like... If you started with something more physical or circumstantial (like a war of words between her and a fellow student or something of that nature) we'd feel more inclined to get to know her and whatever it is that makes her, well, her...

I like the contradiction in emotion though... not sure if it was intentional... but if it was, good job... You need to remember that even if people can identify with another person's emotions they haven't always had the opportunity to appreciate that person's situation...

Basically I'm saying that even if all human beings share the same emotions, we don't all have the same experiences... so what you need to convey first is what she has experienced... the rest falls into place just fine...

Good job though....

[Pipp-ORK]

I agree with Anil and Shaehl. Unless you delve deeper into the character, and give us more material to work with, it ends up sounding cliched......and corny. :(

It has potential, though, just not the right stuff at the moment. It's as if you opened a book and started reading from the middle.

[ADMBird]

I liked it.

[Mizu no Kokoro]

hm~~ good start^^ and as others advised, go deeper!^^ look forward to more~

[MaskedDrifter]

Pretty good. I rather enjoyed it.