The ryokas...

[Daeruke]

in soul society, there r 2 kind of ppl with power. the ryokas n the shinigamies. the ryoka are rare but unusally strong(doesn't go with the story) since they r hardcore veterreans. they usually appear when some1 is in need of rescue from rouge shinigamies from the 12th squad or hollows who wandered into soul society.

Intro Chap1. A girl was running down the alley. She doesn't even dare to look back. THen suddenly a figure in black robes appeared b4 her.
"Destructive art 44, Bend n seal" said the shinigami
suddenly the girl was bending down as if she was about to b beheaded.
"No!Dont kill me" screamed the girl.
"Who said i was going to kill u?" asked the shinigami. He then walked behind her.
"NOO!" screamed the girl.

note:this might seem perverted but i assure u that it is not going to b since some1 is coming to the rescue. now to think on the cool entrance. give me ur opinions pls

[SmallKid57]

im confused... i think there should be more detail, unless ur gonna reveal wuts happening later.

[Sgt.Reaper]

It si quite inconsistent, lacks detail. The actual plot with ryokas have potrntial.

AND please refrain from using "b4,u,b.....etc" it just dont fit in a story, just looks wrong.

[Daeruke]

im lazy so what!?

[Ryuukishi]

A couple suggestions:
1 Spelling - Like Sgt. Reaper said, forum slang doesn't go well with serious storylines and dialogue.
2 I agree with Smallkid in that you need more detail. Who, What, When, Where and the why or how parts are what add the suspense. What you wrote could have happened anywhere; New York City, Karakua City, Soul Society or in some spaceship bound for Planet X, we don't know cause you don't tell us in the story.

The general idea of the story is solid, though, so keep working at it.

[Zanga]

You shouldn't use slang in fanfics. It looks ugly and unprofessional. You also need to cover the 5 W's like the above poster had started. But still, I too am confused. And being lazy isn't a very good excuse :rolleyes:

[StyleS]

holy.. I didn't know there was anybody that could right even worse than me. You upload that crap on fanfiction.net and you would almost instantly get flames left and right.