A Writing Exercise of Mine

[Shaehl]

For my creative writing class, I have to complete the following exercise:

Take an abstract word and write it on the top of a sheet of paper. Then write three to eight lines using an image to illustrate that abstract concept but do not use that abstract word or any other abstract words in the image. You may only use concrete details. Use the following example as a guide:

Sad

The wind howls
and rain presses against the backs of clouds.
Leaves run and hide under bushes.
All the while the bagpipe screams
a funeral song.


Now, based of that, I wrote the following:

Silent

The moon listens to the forest,
from its place in the sky.
Corpses of wood lay on their sides,
but the storm has left,
and with it, their last groans.
Beneath an overturned trunk sits a pool of water,
like frozen blood, not even a ripple swishes over its surface.


I realize it's kind of an odd image to associate with "Silent", but for some reason that's what comes to mind when I think of it.

What I'm wondering, though, is if anyone else thinks that it provides an acceptable of "Silent", without using any abstract words.

[maximoose666]

Umm... I don't think it's up to your usual standards I'm afraid. There's nothing wrong with an unconventional interpretation of silence, but in my opinion some of the similes simply don't work.
'Frozen blood' seems odd in the context; 'corpses of wood' makes no sense - surely it should be 'corpses of trees'?
I like the continued metaphor involving the strom leaving and the trees' groans. There's little I could suggest to improve the first two lines, but the comma at the end of the first is redundant and the passage would flow better in any case without it - thus using that favourite device of english teachers, enjambment.

[Shaehl]

Thanks for the help, I this is the first time I've really had to write any kind of poetry, so I wasn't expecting it to be that great. I'm thinking of perhaps dropping everything after the fifth line and modifying the rest.

Edit - Edited again:

Silent

The moon listens to the forest
from its place in the night.
Corpses of trees lay on their sides,
but the storm has left,
and with it their last groans.

[maximoose666]

I like night, but sky is fine too if you prefer. I still think you should kill the comma at the end of the first line. You don't need the comma in "and with it, their last groans" either XD. But this is definitely an improvement; it's much more coherent and more evocative now that it's more focused. It's now looking pretty good :)

(if anyone looks at this, shakes their head and says 'maxi/Shaehl convo thread' I'm going to kill them, OK?)

[thief.13]

i really really like the idea of the moon listening to the forest.

oh and the part "from its place in the night" doesnt sound right.the word place somehow ruins it.

nice poetry.

[Shaehl]

Hmm, should I perhaps replace "from its place in the night" to something like, "from the night sky"?

Also, would "Corpses of trees lay strewn about" work better than what I currently have?

[thief.13]

umm, maybe something more dramatic than place like from its haven in the skies (i dunno if it works) and
"lying strewn about" is too ordinary for the scene you're trying to portray.
maybe you should think about how to define a human corpse lying about, you definitely wont say its strewn about.

gee i never knew poetry could be really hard. good thing you know how to string your ideas together.
never really had the courage or patience to make poetry.

[Shaehl]

Keep in mind that I am only allowed to use concrete details, so I don't want ot get too wordy or abstract.

[thief.13]

yeah you can very much use concrete words that are more dramatic. well,what do i know, i'm not exactly a poet.just trying to help...*walks away :sad:*

[maximoose666]

Well, Shaehl, I disagree with thief.13 - there's no need to use grand or dramatic words. Poetry was never made more beautiful by the use of archaic, heavy, or difficult-to-understand words.
If you use 'strewn about' it will have to be "LIE strewn about". With 'on their sides, although the grammar is incorrect, it's a vaguely poetic usage and brings "now I lay me down to sleep" to mind, so a point can be stretched. With 'strewn about', the rules are clear.

What about "from its home in the sky" or "in the night" ?