//Poem UNFINISHED

[MissShizuka]

Hey, I'm writing this poem and I'm not done with it yet and I wanted you guys to see it. It could count as 3 separate poems, but who cares? Remember, this is written by an 11 year old.

In front of you I'm crying
But you just turn away
If you left, I would be suiciding
So please, why won't you stay?

My life was just a bore
'Till you came knocking on my door
I'm suprised you didn't see
You'd taken over me

Remeber when we laid on the grass,
A couple years before?
We wished the moment would last
And that time would move nevermore

That's it, but I'm planning to finish it later.

[Caity_walsh]

finidh it i wanna hear . id it based on your life ? it realy gd 4 an 11 yr old

[Katen Kyoukotsu]

Hey, I'm writing this poem and I'm not done with it yet and I wanted you guys to see it. It could count as 3 separate poems, but who cares? Remember, this is written by an 11 year old.
In front of you I'm crying
But you just turn away
If you left, I would be suiciding
So please, why won't you stay?
My life was just a bore
'Till you came knocking on my door
I'm suprised you didn't see
You'd taken over me
Remeber when we laid on the grass,
A couple years before?
We wished the moment would last
And that time would move nevermore
That's it, but I'm planning to finish it later.
Pretty danm good. The last couplet is good and closes it well. I wont presume to give you an alternative on one of your lines as i hate when others do the same to me. But was it me writing it id shorten the line "Remeber when we laid on the grass" simply because it would give the poem a better flow. I wont be so rude as to actually suggest something diffrent.
Good job Peace out