"Prayer of a Mantis, pt. 1" my 1st fanfic

[alieraisu]

So here it is... my first ever attempt at a fanfic. this is only what i have so far... feedback is greatly appreciated, but please know ive had a writing block for the past year and a half so i dont expect this to be much of a work of art. i will post more of it if sufficient feedback warrants that i continue the story. so here it goes

~~~~~~~~~~~PRAYER OF A MANTIS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small form stood poised atop a flat cliff amidst a barren field, watching the sun set slowly upon the whole of Soul Society. The child sat on the cliff's ledge, dangling her feet fearlessly over the edge. Her dark brown hair seemed tinged with the reddish copper of the sunset's many hughes. Kenai (pronounced kEE-nI) looked out at the rocky land before her peacefully. It might not seem like much to others, but to her this forest of rocks and dirt meant so much. The sound of approaching footsteps broke her reverie. The small girl turned her head and squinted her green eyes- tinged with gold- in the fading light of day. She frowned for a moment before her lips turned slightly up. "Rukia... where were you today?" Rukia sat beside the child, shaking her head slightly. The action rattled the small white beads Kenai had placed in the woman's hair this morning, when she had begged Rukia to allow her to cornrow Rukia's hair. "Just.... about." replied Rukia. "And what of you, Kenai? Dom't tell me you were here all day." she chided. Kenai frowned slightly once more. She always looked older when she did this, like an adult trapped inside a child's small stature. "What if I was?" she mumbled. "Kenai, you need to go back..."
At this Kenai shook her head fervently. "No Rukia. I can't.... I won't go back. You don't understand.... there's.... there's nothing back there for me." she sighed, pulling back from the cliff's edge to sit crosslegged and shut her eyes meditatively. "Rukia.... where will you go from here? You can't go back home... death is all that awaits you there." Kenai's voice was even, soft, and wise-sounding. Rukia considered her words carefully before nodding. "But if death is to be my fate.... should I really run from it? What good can come from attempting to escape one's fate? And I do not wish harm to come to any of my friends. As it is, I'm putting you all in jeapordy by being here." Now it was Kenai's turn to nod. "Still... can you be sure that death is to be your fate?"
Their meditations were brought to an abrupt halt by a loud voice from below. "Oi! Rukia!" called Ichigo. "Aren't you coming down?!" Rukia nodded, taking Kenai into her arms as she hopped to the ground effortlessly. As soon as Kenai was placed back upon her feet, Ichigo roughly touseled the child's hair. "Hey squirt." he teased. Kenai frowned, thinking to herself that he had better not mess up the long braid that reached halfway down her back. "My name is Kenai... twit." she mumbled. She knew it was a pointless use of language, though. This same ritual had been repeated fot the last four days, since the group had come to this place, where once Ichigo had trained to release the bankai form of his sword, Zangetsu. Now this desert of crude daves and jagged cliffs had become their sanctuary, and their temporary home.
Kenai plopped to the hard ground on her knees. Sitting back on her heels, she placed her palms gently on her thighs. It was this position that had earned the child her nickname. Ichigo looked intently at her. "What is it Mantis?" Kenai's body tensed. "Someone comes..." she whispered. "Rukia! Hide."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Mazral]

Well, I liked it :D I'm interested to see where this goes from here :) Keep going please :D

[alieraisu]

whoot! my first feedback. at the request of one, i shall continue. but just so y'all know, when i write it is kinda slow going... and ideas are greatly appreciated, as ive been seriously plagued by writer's block.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Rukia Hide~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rukia obliged immediately. Kenai looked to Ichigo. "You, too." she ordered. The firey teen began to protest, but Kenai was already gone. So, grumbling, he joined Rukia in hiding.
Kuchiki Byakuya stood at the entrance of what seemed at first glance to be no more than a rocky wasteland. But there was something here.... he felt it in his bones. The man stepped cautiously into the large clearing, alert for any movement. Despite his heightened senses, he completely overlooked a certain small presence untill it was nearly ontop of him. Looking down for it's source, he was surprised with what he saw. Before him stood a child of no more than 9 years of age. She was scrawny looking, that was for sure. But Byakua could see wirey muscles beneath the girl's weathered tan skin. Her soft brown hair was pulled back into a long braid that reached halfway down her back. But the most striking thing about the child's appearance, as far as he was concerned, was the air of dignity and sureness that she held herself with. It almost warranted his respect. Almost.
In her hands Kenai bore a staff made of a soft colored wood, lighter than the color of her hair. It was a head taller than herself, straight with praying mantis' carved into the wood. It was a fighting staff, and she bore it, ready to defend if need be.
Kenai reguarded the man, green-gold eyes sharp and questioning.
"Out of the way child." Byakuya's voice was cold and sharp.
If Kenai heard him, she gave no acknowledgment to such. "What business have you here, where you obviously do not belong?" For a moment, the eldest Kuchiki brother glanced around for the source of the voice. Surely such a clam and wise voice could not come from such a small child.
Seeing that the stranger had not absorbed her words, Kenai repeated the idea behind them. "Why are you here? It is obvious that you do not belong."
Byakuya shook himself from his momentary stupor, frowning. What an impudent little girl! "You need to learn to address your betters with respect." As always, the man's own voice was even, calm, almost emotionless. With lightning speed and without his body betraying his intentions prematurely, he reached out to slap the child before him. His hand met with a wooden obstacle. Blinking in mild surprise, Byakuya found that Kenai had blocked his blow with her staff. "Who are you?" he asked. "I am called Mantis. But my identity is of little importance, for I belong here. As such, my identity is fused with that of this area. You, however, are out of place here. A stranger.. So I will ask you once more... Who are you and what has brought you to a place where you do not belong?" Byakuya almost felt himself compelled to look shamed. Frowning, he nodded softly. "I seek someone. I have a feeling she is here."

[Undying]

Woot! Awsemoe! *wishes his writing was so good*

[alieraisu]

thanks for all the feedback! here, then, is part 3.
~~~~~~~~~~Deception is a passive threat~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenai cocked her head slightly and, with a voice which better fit her size and apperance, she spoke. "I'm not going to get rid of you, am I?"
Byakuya couldn't help but crack a tiny smile. "Nope." Kenai nodded. "May I assume you will pose me no threat?"
The stoic man considered Kenai's words. It seemed an agreeable contract to make, so long as no threat was made to him, what need was there to show force? "You may assume such, so long as I in turn am given the same peacefullness." Kenai nodded. "It is agreed. Kenai led the way into the clearing. She seated herself as was her custom, upon her knees, waiting for him to sit as well. The man reclined against a nearby rock, and was pleased to see the child had lain her staff beside herself, in a gesture of peace.
After a drawn out silence, Byakuya realized he was expected to speak first. "I seek a fugitive from Soul society. She, with the help of a few outsiders, escaped upon the day of her execution." The man's voice was as cold as always, he seemed to hold no emotions about the incident aside from a mild anger. "Actually, she was stolen from the execution block itself." Kenai feigned surprise when he told her what in reality she already knew. "What crime has this woman committed to warrant execution?"
Byakuya shook his head. "Since you are no shinigami, I don't expect you to understand.... she has broken a number of our laws."
"And you believe she is here?" "Yes. I do."
Kenai shook her head gently. "If anyone were here, I would be well aware. Therefore, i can confidently dispel your beliefs. She whom you seek is not here."
Byakuya frowned, his eyes alighting slightly now as he stood. "I thought we had an agreement.... deception is a passive form of threat." Kenai was on her feet instantaneously, staff borne ready to defend. Just as a fight seemed inevitable, Rukia appeared between the child.

[Mazral]

Yay :D Another chapter please. I like the way you write, it's simple and yet entertaining :)

[alieraisu]

Thanks again! Simple, really? I was afraid I was getting to complex and wordy. Phew. Okay... more it is... This is the last of what I have so far.... it's short.... and I've hit a writing block. This piece may, in fact, just have to be completely scrapped. Also, I worry that it deviates from characters' personalities a bit. CRITICISE PLEASE! and any ideas would be greatly appreciated.... stupid writer's block-plague! So here goes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Rukia, accept your fate~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rukia had watched the entire exchange from her hiding place behind a large boulder that stood next to their dwelling-cave. She had been relieved to see her brother and her young friend seeming to make peace. But it was not to be... She saw the two start up defensively. Kenai was no match for Byakuya, this she knew well. She had to intervene! So... she did...
"Rukia!" gasped Kenai. Her eyes slipped from one Kuchiki to another, worried that Byakuya might make a grab for her dear friend. Luckily, the stoic captain had considered and discarded such ideas already. He thought it unwise to act hastily..... instead he opted to feel the situation out for the time being.
"Rukia.... why?" The child whispered. Kenai knew no answer was forthcoming, but still she felt compelled to ask Rukia what had posessed her to come out of hiding, revealing herself and quite possibly dooming herself. Silence ensued.
Finally, Byakuya apoke up. "Rukia, stop this foolishness. Return at once. You know well that you cannot elude us forever..... Come easily and..." He was halted in mid-sentence by the approach of two new figures.
"Oi! Didn't I whup your ass enough already?!" Snapped a furiously protective Kurosaki Ichigo. He placed himself between the two females and Byakuya. He was joined by none other than the former vice captain of Byakuya's own, the 6th squad: Abara Renji. Yes, former. For after he had helped Rukia escape, and in doing so had disappeared with the fugitive, he had unsurprisingly been stripped of his title.
"Why are you doing this?" exclaimed Renji. "For goodness sakes! She's your SISTER!"
The only member of the group who had not known of the familial bond between the two Kuchikis was Kenai. Her jaw fairly dropped when Renji spoke. It didn't seem to fit.... Why would Rukia's own brother seek to return her to a place where she would undoubtedly die?! Of course, what would Kenai know of family? Hers had long ago left her for dead. Still, she liked to think that the lack of caring shown in her own family was uncommon, the exception to the norms.
"It is my duty to return the fugitive to justice, reguardless of my personal relationship to her."
Through all of this Rukia stood in silent reflection. Her soft voice cut through the tension that was rapidly building among the group.
"Nii-sama." She spoke softly, her voice filled with a gentle sorrow. "Please.... allow me a final talk with them..... I owe them that much at least..." She looked momentarily to Kenai, knowing this was especially hard for the child. Her eyes then shifted to her Nii-sama, pleading with the stony man. She didn't expect him to agree.... but she just had to try.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so there it is... hope you all enjoy.

[Sgt.Reaper]

Very well written, the best i have seen at CB, by far.

The first thing that struck me was that i had a hard time seeing Ichigo and Renji say the lines like that, it didnt feel like them, especially Ichigo. Likewise the "Nope" from Byakuya seamed out of character.
Also it seam more like a thing Ichigo would do rather than Rukia, jumping infront of Byakuya like that, due to the reckless nature of if.
But all this may just be me having a stange picture of the characters.

Other than that i sometimes found it hard to see how the charaters where positioned to one another.

Dont take this poor attempt of mine to critizise a masterly written story to seriusly.

[alieraisu]

I did think the byakuya "nope" was a bit outta character, but the point of the story is going to be showing a different side of him. As for rukia, i guess jumping out would be a little outta character, if not for the fact that she is doing it to protect Kenai.
As far as positioning, does anyone have any ideas how i could make that clearer? I'm not too great with setting stuff, but i would like my readers to have a super clear picture painted in their minds. I'm so glad I'm getting constructive criticism, it helps so much!!! AS it is, i've hit a writer's block once more. Alas, this is my curse. Finally, if you didnt already know this, this plot deviates from the story and for that i'm sorry. When i began writing this, i had seen up to episode 54 only, then the rm downloads went down. I just bought the dvd's so i got to see what really happened so take this story as a different episode 55, like what could have happened. AS soon as inspiration strikes me, I will write more. But in the meantime, any suggestions or things you would like to see happen in the plot would be most appreciated, as it might help to get me over my writer's block! Post please and check for updates!

[Undying]

Hmmm... Allow me to assume you have positioned the story within the training chamber where Ichigo trained for Bankai. If so, I have a suggestion: when you wish to describe it, look at the picture and describe it for yourself. Then take the picture your descriptions made and compare it to the ral one. Eventually you'll make a picture precisely as the original one. About the story... Look, you are pretty much alligning the stories. Since Byakuya entered, just make him fight Renji (who is anxious to test his Bankai after achieving it and wished to beat Byakuya as it is). Renji losses, and Byakuya proceeds to kill Rukia with his own hands (he threatened to do it when he fought Ichigo...) but is stopped (as ususal) by a very annoyed Ichigo who proceeds to fight him. Go with the fight from there... And voila! You got an exellent story that describes the Bleach story differently. And from there... either end it or continue with the original Bleach story... or make another version of the filler episodes (same as here). And since I gave you some suggestions... *assumes begging pose (on knees)* please please please give me more ideas for my fanfic! I want to give the story a push but it's kinda hard since some relationships need to develop, and the third (and maybe the fourth, only if the third becomes too long and then I'll cut it in two) are supposed to be the comical part (the only one... the rest of the story, I want to make it suspending). Please! *begs* please! Please!!!!

[alieraisu]

First of all, tell me about your fanfic.
Second of all,t hanks for the idea BUT the purpose of this story is to show a different side of buyakua and to show him coming to grips with the idea that sometimes the rules need to be broken, and such. And I plan to center on Mantis, my made up character, to do this. I just got myself into a rut where i placed them.... i want buyakua to interact with kenai much more. the three main characters of this story are buyakua, kenai, and rukia

[Undying]

OOOOoooOOoooOooOOoOooooo I see... Look, I really didn't get it the first time... gome gome... :P but if you want to show Byakuya... try investing a near figth scene (like: Byakuya draws his sword and says something like "I will uphold the rules... die Kurosaki Ichigo" and Kenai/Rukia stopping him). Then just add a little (or rather, a very big) flashback about Hisana, which will make Byakuya not able to cut Rukia (something like her telling him he's too strict and should smile more while giving him his most favorite smile (that would be something... WoW)) and then just... let him and Rukia talk it over a bit. With a not-so-loving (pretending to) brother and sister-with-serious-problems-with-giving-people-their-right-beliefs. As for my fanfic (and if you won't help I'll beg till you do! I won't give up!) the link's in my sig, it the big block of text saying "Read my fanfic, it's good XD".

[alieraisu]

hahaha. ill help as i can. and woah, stellar ideas! i can actually feel the writers block lifting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!! i shall post more story later.

[Undying]

*is amazed* I helped? My ideas were good? huh? :eek13: I just invented them as I wrote the post... Anyway, I'm happy to be of any help, and I hope to see the continuation of this very good story. (and of course. I need help too)

[alieraisu]

"Nii-sama." She spoke softly, her voice filled with a gentle sorrow. "Please.... allow me a final talk with them..... I owe them that much at least..." She looked momentarily to Kenai, knowing this was especially hard for the child. Her eyes then shifted to her Nii-sama, pleading with the stony man. She didn't expect him to agree.... but she just had to try.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Seeking Refuge from the Rain~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Byakuya thought this over for a few moments. Then, he nodded. Something in the back of his mind pushed him to accept her request, though he had no good reason for doing so.
It is a reasonabe request..... what harm could come of it? Plus..... she is going to die..... can not you grant her this wish? He frowned slightly. What moved him to grant this act of charity? What was this nagging he felt? Was it..... regret? NO! He was solid and unmoving in all of his decisions.... He did not regret his choices! Because his choices were the right ones..... Byakuya pushed aside his thoughts of the moment as he followed the group into their dwelling-cave.
The cave was larger than it first seemed to be. Though the ragged gang of convicts had only been here for about four or five days, there seemed to have been some attempts to make it seem more.... homey. Pallets were placed with care close to the walls of the cave, shaping a boxy u, with the open end being the mouth of the cave. At the foot of each "bed" was a neatly folded blanket. One small pallet had a teddy bear sitting pertly upon it. In the center of the cave was the fire pit. As the crew entered, Kenai walked to the back of the cave to fetch some more wood, which she tossed gently upon the fire.
Byakuya's eyes scanned the walls of the cave. It seemed that Kenai had turned portions of them into her own personal charcoal canvas. Pictures of children running in what seemed to be a slum adorned one section. Another section showed Kenai herself, sitting upon her knees, head upturned to the moonlight and stars above. A third depicted Kenai and what one could only assume was Rukia, wings sprouting from their backs, flying. Curious, the man thought...... these pictures are..... interesting....
"Let's sit." Came the gentle voice of Kenai. All complied in silence. The tension and sorrow seemed to permeate the very walls of the cave. Only one among them appeared unmoved by the situation: Byakuya's face as usual revealed no emotion. "You asked for a chance to talk with them.... so talk." his voice came even and hard as stone. Rukia opened her mouth, but any sound she might have made was drowned out by a loud clap of thunder. "What the hell?!" grumbled Renji. He ventured to the mouth of the cave to peer at the now darkening sky. Drop! Drop! Drop...drop....dropdropdrop... pitter patter.... drum! drum! drum! the sky opened up, as the rain poured down. The air in the cave fell even more, it that was at all possible. The storm raged outside, but inside silence ensued. "I guess we're stuck here." mumbled Ichigo. The thought had, of course, occured to Byakuya moments earlier, but he wouldnt say so. He was NOT pleased with the thought of being stuck here. But again..... that voice in the back of his head tugged at him.... his head? or was it his heart? he didnt know. With a slight growl he fought the ideas that now swam inside his mind.... fought the alien urge to stay the night..... But alas, it was a lost battle. "First thing in the morning, we leave. It seems you have gotten your wish." he growled at Rukia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Noone is Born this Way~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dinner was uneventful, plain, and stretched thin. The addition of Byakuya meant an extra mouth to feed, one the rag-tag group could barely afford to accommadate(sp?). The tension in the air remained for long after their silent meal. Ichigo and Renji sat on either side of their.... guest. They had nothing to fear, though, for Byakuya was contented to sit introspectively the night through. Much raced through his mind at the moment. Like why hadn't he simply taken Rukia and left? True it was storming outside, but in all reality the weather was no substantial obstacle to his return. So then what had caused him to agree to staying the night? Could it have been curiosity? Or pity? This was all alien to him..... no... he didnt feel pity.... only duty.... so why could he not for the life of him bring himself to leave this very moment and fulfill his duty? One thing was for sure, whatever was compelling him to act so uncharacteristically today was NOT welcome as far as the head Kuchiki was concerned. And as soon as he pinpointed what it was, he would promptly crush this weakness in resolve so thoroughly that it would never rear it's most uncomfortable head again. He gave the tiniest of nods at this thought.
"Huh?" Kenai looked at the man inquisitively. Well, someone had to break this silence, and since the adults were too slow in doing it..... it was up to her once again. Kenai let out an exasperated puff of air. Trust adults to circumvent a situation at all costs. She lay upon her stomach, propped up by her elbows, and examined Byakuya. "You don't look all that much like Rukia.... are you really her brother?" The calm gentle voice seemed to rebound off the walls of the cave, enhanced by everyone else's silence. It was a god question, a segway into the discussion Kenai hoped to set up.... but it in itself was innocent enough.
Byakuya looked at the child. He surely didnt know what to make of her yet. One moment it seemed she was a tiny adult..... the next she could come across as innocence itself. "What does it matter to you, child?" his voice cut through the question with a collective violence, wishing to murder the impending conversation before it ever came to pass. Rukia, who sat protectively next to Kenai, brushed a stray strand of hair from the little girl's face. "That's because we aren't... real siblings i mean.... I was adopted."
"Oooooh. ok." Kenai spoke, her face a playful picture of enlightenment. She took a chance with her next sentence. "Excuse my saying, but he doesn't seem to be too thrilled with the adoption."
"KENAI!" Rukia frowned and Byakuya glared. A lesser man would have started after the child, but he was not a lesser man.
"Do not assume, child, that you know everything...... You would do well to learn not to speak about what you are not certain of.... Impudent..."
Kenai sighed. She looked up at Byakuya, green-gold eyes locking with the man's stone grey ones. There she held them. "Why are you so cold to life? How can you live so iced over? Your voice sounds as if it has not known anything but coldness in many years at least...... Noone is born that way...... are they?" Once again, as soon as he began to feel he had figured Kenai out, the child went and pulled something like this. There was such wisdom in her voice, and she spoke almost far off-ish. Her eyes reminded him of his grandmother's and he resisted the urge to squirm under Kenai's gaze. This little mantis was surely an enigma..... she made him feel things he had long forgotten... she made him unsure...... she asked questions h dared not even admit were present..... Only one thing was for sure, he did NOT like being around her... it was too uncomfortable.

[Undying]

Good, as always. One thing though - Byakuya's eyes are gray, not black.

[alieraisu]

Good, as always. One thing though - Byakuya's eyes are gray, not black.
Gah! will edit.... how did i miss that?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!

[Undying]

It happens, it happens. Besides, his eyes sometimes appear dangerously near to black in the Anime.

[alieraisu]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~My dance among the sky~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silence reigned supreme for what seemed like an eternity. And in truth, it was almost 10 minutes before anyone even moved. Kenai's words seemed to radiate through Byakuya's mind and soul.
Why?! Why couldn't he ignore this little enigma's words? Usually he let what others said about him roll off of him like droplets of water. But with Kenai..... the world became a different realm.... one he could not escape from. Her words resounded... echoing within him. He was powerless to silence them.
"Kenai... please.." Rukia spoke in the gentlest of voices, not wishing to tear Byakuya from thought. She knew better...
"Kenai..... why are you doing this? It's my last night.... just.... leave things alone for once, please!" Her voice rose a bit, pleadingly.
"Rukia.... what do you mean?" The child looked up in distress. Rukia never sounded so unhappy, cross, and yet sad.....
"You know what I mean! Can't you leave people alone?! Noone is the ideal you want them to be, so stop talking lik you know everything that is wrong and know just what should be to make it all right!"
Kenai's head dropped sadly. She stood in silence and walked to the mouth of the cave. Settling into her favoreed kneeling/praying position, she watched the rain pour from the heavens and thought about her life and herself. Maybe she was wrong about everything.... maybe that was why she was outcasted wherever she went, always alone.
"Baba.... you said one day my heart would have it's dance among the sky... but, oh Baba.... why is it that whenever I most yearn for my dance, I look in my heart only to see the rain?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Alone in the Universe~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally, the gang bedded down. Still Kenai kneeled at the mouth of the cave, staring at the night rain with tears in her eyes, threatening to fall. She had destroyed her last night with the one person who had actually accepted her. And now..... Rukia would die on the morrow, and Kenai would be alone once more. Why was it that the world dealt the worst blows to the better of its people? "It's not fair." She whispered.....
"Nothing in life is fair."
Kenai was startled by Byakuya's voice. She looked back and up, to find the man standing behind her. With a graceful motion he sat beside the child silently. Something within his soul seemed to call him to be near this child... to understand her maybe.... He couldnt understand himself right about now.... it seemed that this mantis had turned his world inside out. But despite this all, something inside of him called him to listen to her, speak with her..... understand her words.
Kenai nodded. "I'm no stranger to that piece of knowledge.... in fact it often seems that has become the theme to my entire life." Her voice once again sounded far off... there was an old wisdom there, yes. But now it was laced with a deep sorrow. "I guess maybe I'm destined to be alone in the universe..."
"Everyone is alone." Byakuya said matter-of-factly. To this Kenai shook her head. "No. Everyone dies alone.... but as people, we are not solitary creatures.... we do not thrive by living alone. But.... I guess some of us can. How do you do it? Live so isolated, I mean? What do you do when that something inside of you cries out to be lonely no more? I try, but I just can't silence it...."
The man frowned. "I.... I don't know really..... Untill you spoke to me I never really thought much about it....." He sighed, giving a "heh" the closest thing to a laugh he had ever in his life given. "Has anyone ever told you that you make them feel uncomfortable?" he mumbled.
"More times than I can count." Kenai cracked a saddened smile. The question on her mind... she wished she didnt have this burning urge to ask him.... she knew it wouldnt go over well.
"You have a question.... ask.... you won't be at peace untill you at least ask." it was Byakuya's time to show wisdom. Kenai nodded.
"You're gonna hate me, but..." she mumbled.....
(to be continued. HA! CLIFFHANGER! read and review pleeeeeeeeeeeease!!!)

[Undying]

w00t! nice nice. Byakuya is getting emotional... hehehehehehe.... Damn, now I can't wait for it! >___< gimmem more, more I said! overall, nice nice.
(Now you go and respond to my fic, chapter three is out!)

[alieraisu]

w00t! nice nice. Byakuya is getting emotional... hehehehehehe.... Damn, now I can't wait for it! >___< gimmem more, more I said! overall, nice nice.
(Now you go and respond to my fic, chapter three is out!)


i'm... erm... stuck once again. ill go to respond when i get a few minutes to read it. sorry im just on for a bit now, so if i dont get to respond now it'll be like a week before i get a spare breath. work's being the epitome of evilness much loves thanksies!

[Undying]

Work, school and anything that keeps one from doing what he or she wants is the very invention of evil. It was Satan's greataest creation in my book.

Anyway, I love your fic and hope you can continue this soon. This cliffhanger is making me go insane.

And thanks for the love, I really appereciated your comments about my fic. When I get chapter 4 out I hope you'll be there to respond and help.

Love you for being a fellow writer! :biggrinnlove:

[alieraisu]

(youre gonna hate me, but i forgot what she was gonna ask him. gah! hafta improvise now.)
"More times than I can count." Kenai cracked a saddened smile. The question on her mind... she wished she didnt have this burning urge to ask him.... she knew it wouldnt go over well.
"You have a question.... ask.... you won't be at peace untill you at least ask." it was Byakuya's time to show wisdom. Kenai nodded.
"You're gonna hate me, but..." she mumbled.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~Impossible Questions~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're gonna hate me but....." She sighed. "Do you really think it's right that Rukia has to die? You personally, I mean..... I just... don't understand.... There are few crimes known to this world that are so heinous they warrant the death or the criminal..... Life, it's such a sacred thing. Do we really have the right to try to change or control it?"
Why did this child always ask impossible questions?! "I.... The central 46 are wise. Their decisions are final, and are to be followed." he answered.
Kenai saw right through his attempts to dodge the question. "But, personally..."
He glared. "Personally I follow the decisions of the central 46." His answer was cold, signaling that in his mind the current discussion was closed.

Kenai sighed. "But.... So you base your personal choices upon those of others? Doesn't your heart ever cry out that something is wrong?! What if they're wrong about rukia?!" Kenai's voice rose swiftly.
"Child, the decision is made. There is no changing it, nor changing me. Stop trying." Byakuya was swiftly becoming annoyed with Kenai's growing arguments.
Finally the child gave up. Tears glistened in her eyes as she let out a long sigh, which sounded almost like a sob. "I'm sorry.." she mumbled, though she had no idea what she was sorry for. Byakuya nodded in acknowledgment. "What's gonna happen to her?" Kenai now sounded strained... voice woven with worry. She had to know. She could not see Rukia in her last moments, and felt that she should at least know how her friend would die... as tribute to Rukia's memory.

Kuchiki Byakuya looked at the child before him. She had somehow transformed in his mind back into just that: a child. She was hurt and afraid, and he did not wish to explain the execution to Kenai. Such things were not for such young ears, even he understood this. But she seemed to need to know. "She will be given a chance for any last words. Then, she will be raised up, arms out... like a crucifix. Then the Soukyoku will be released. It will turn into its true form... a haliberd. She will be pierced by it and die." His voice dropped at the last sentence. He himself was uncomfortable thinking about this. Kenai nodded, brushing tears from her cheeks. "I just dont want her to hurt..." she mumbled. Her words proved too much for Byakuya to handle. He stood and walked back to the fire, watching Rukia with his normal stony gaze.

[Undying]

Hmmm... I really, really can't see Byakuya reacting this way. He shoudl have been colder towards Kenai.

Other than that, I think the question was a bit to monotoneous. "Need Rukia die? Is it ok for you?" is too much. However the last part about Byakuya basing his choice on others' choices... that was good. Keep it up.

[alieraisu]

Hmmm... I really, really can't see Byakuya reacting this way. He shoudl have been colder towards Kenai.
Other than that, I think the question was a bit to monotoneous. "Need Rukia die? Is it ok for you?" is too much. However the last part about Byakuya basing his choice on others' choices... that was good. Keep it up.
I'm TRYING to show another side of byakuya. it isnt easy tho, that man is like a slate. Sigh. and the question.... erm... i forgot the question so i had to make do. word of advice: when youre on a roll, keep writing. i went for a cliffhanger and i forgot wahhhhhh dumb bad memory. lol. thanks tho

[Undying]

lol, my advice - when you go for a cliffhanger, write down to yourself what was it ;). anyway I can't wait for more. And another advice. If you want to write Byakuya OOC, don't hesitate to go for extreme changes. I'll tell you this, in my fic, Byakuya would appear, and you will discover just how much can he go P.

[alieraisu]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~She is Yours Now~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Find her..... protect her as I did not... she is yours now..." Hisana's words resounded in Byakuya's mind like an echo, always mocking and slow to die. Ever since Rukia had been returned to Soul Society it seemed he could scarcely shut his eyes without the soft whisper that was Hisana's voice chiding him once more, pleading at times, that he protect Rukia. Hisana had. He felt that foreign wetness accumulating behind his eyes. No! He wouldn't cry! he hadn't cried when his beloved Hisana had died..... why should he now? He had never cared for anyone.... except Hisana. And her death had only confirmed in his mind that to get so close to someone that you couldnt bear parting was foolish to say the least. So why now was he... dare he say it.... unhappy? I've failed you, Hisana..... I've never before felt unsure about a choice..... untill now. I made a grave-promise to my parents, to uphold the rules at all costs. But i promised you to protect Rukia. Even if you were still alive, there would be no protecting her, she chose to break the rules! I am dissapointed in her!
Byakuya looked up, and his eyes met with the purple softness that he only momentarily mistook for Hisana's. it was one moment of joy, but it was gone just as fast as it had come. He gave Rukia his best i'm cross with you glare. "Here I thought I had instilled better in you..." his voice came out overly harsh, to mask his feelings of ... dare he acknowledge it... worry. Rukia lowered her own eyes. "I... I did what I felt was right. I know I broke the rules, But.... my heart.... I mean... I just felt it was right..."
This stopped him cold. Had Kenai not been telling him the same thing earlier?! What if...... NO! The rules were right! They had to be! If not... what defined his world... and so easily it could crumble.... rules were the backbone....
"Given the chance... I would do it all again." Rukia whispered. For the first time in his life, Byakuya felt himself unable to look Rukia in the eye.

[Undying]

Poor Bya-han... go on, the story is starting to sound really good. And if you can, please read my fic's 4th chapter, recently posted. Byakuya shows there!

[alieraisu]

*just A General Note That, Due To My Recent Inhumane Amount Of Business I Will Not Be Able To Update Nearly As Much Upon This Story! *super Sad Face* However, In Case This Thread Gets Lost Int He Fray, Prayer Of A Mantis Is Also Posted On Fanfiction.com
So Sorry To My Loyal Readers, But Its Been Nuts Lately, I Barely Even Get Any Sleep, And Im Not Right In The Head Enough To Continue The Story On The Offchance That I Get A Free Second During My Conscious Hours To My Loyal Fans, Especially Undying-kun, Thanks And Loves Lots
Peace And Bleachy Goodness To All!

One Voice
Byakuya felt trapped now. Kenai still sat near the mouth of the cave, while Rukia brooded in the back, and Ichigo and Renji lay upon their pallets in the middle of the cave. All these emotions... these feelings and doubts...... he couldn't escape them. it all was so foreign to him. He was Kuchiki Byakuya! The cold, collective, silent one. The dignified noble who never let feelings get in the way of life and law. And the law was the center of his world. But now doubts raced through his mind as they had done only one other time in his life: when he had choosen to marry Hisana. He remembered now the very words with which he had argued to himself many years ago about wether or not he should propose. I can't let my life be ruled by what others say is right! I'm wise enough to decide such things on my own. Rubbish! Since Hisana's death all similar trains of thought had been banished as just that: rubbish. With a heavy-hearted sigh, Byakuya padded silently over to where Kenai lay, curled up in a little ball of sorrow and worry. As he sat beside her, elogently as always, Kenai pulled herself up swiftly to her knees and fervently brushed stray tears from her cheeks.
"We have laws for a reason... they dictate to us what is right and wrong.... they help to guide our actions justly." This time Byakuya's voice was quiet and almost.... questioning.
Kenai shook her head. "Sometimes people make laws that aren't really that good.... What if today a law was passed that said all adults must either become shinigami or else become Hollow bait?"
"Such a ridiculous law would never pass.... it does no good to anyone."
Kenai rolled her eyes. He was missing the POINT!
"Just pretend that it did."
"Pretending is a childish game, I am no rugrat."
Kenai growled in frustration and grabbed Byakuya's face in both of her hands. She squished his cheeks and forced his head to turn untill the two met eye to eye. "FOCUS!" She snapped, slightly irritated. "What If that law passed? Would you go along with it? Does it suddenly become just for the simple reason that it is now a law? If Tomorrow A law was passed to wipe out all new souls entering the lowest districts for fear of overcrowding, would it become the right thing to do? Does the title "law" make things suddenly moral? Because if so, than society as a whole becomes a fragile thing, and with one bad law we may see the ascension into chaos."
Byakuya snapped from his reverie as Kenai seemed to finish her argument. He jerked back from the child's grasp, taking care not to hurt her, and frowned deeply.
"Where I come from, if I were caught stealing water, I could be murdered, and noone would so much as bat an eye. Is that justice? What do YOU think?"
"No. Of course not. Petty theft is not a crime worthy of death."
"And yet it is an acceptible sentence in my old district. It is, essentially, a law. And it is a WRONG law. It is an unjust punishment!But people follow it because it is seen as a law. Do you understand now?! People are dying because noone will use their brains and open their mouths and say wait, this isn't right. It only takes one person brave enough to stand up and disagree.... one voice, to ignite the spark that will make others think. Someone has to become the catalyst that fuels change. Change isnt a bad thing... things, laws too, can change for the better." Kenai finally sat in silence. Standing, she went to the back of the cave to curl up next to Rukia. The woman smiled gently and smoothed a few stray strands of hair away from Kenai's face as the child shut her eyes to rest. Byakuya was left alone with his thoughts and emotions, which churned inside of him like a brewing storm. He knew all too well that no peace would come to him this night.

[Undying]

You know, the funny thing is, Byakuya can argue back, that a law that is morally wrong would eventually dissapear, since it ruins the society.

Anyway, I liked it, though Byakuya letting anyobe grab his face? O.o... Keep it up, will you? I just can't wait for more.

[alieraisu]

You know, the funny thing is, Byakuya can argue back, that a law that is morally wrong would eventually dissapear, since it ruins the society.
Anyway, I liked it, though Byakuya letting anyobe grab his face? O.o... Keep it up, will you? I just can't wait for more.
AWW THANKS UNDYING-KUN! im glad someone reads this stuff. and i know, as i wrote it i got this mental picture and boy was it funny!

Catalyst
"Things... laws too.. can change for the better." Those had been the words of a wise little Mantis-child. But Kuchiki Byakuya had also heard the unspoken part of that sentence. People can change for the better, too... One person... one catalyst..... For the first time in his life, Kuchiki Byakuya wondered whether he was strong enough... brave enough..... for something. Did he have it in him to become that catalyst? Could he stand up against the world? He looked towards Rukia, as his thoughts turned to his relationship with his adopted sister. IT was a difficult thing to examine, really, for said relationship seemed strained, stolid and solemn. God! These past two days had been so difficult for him that he wondered what was left of the man he had worked so hard to build himself up to. Why did change have to be so.... different?! Why did his world have to turn inside out?! Would he ever be able to right it again? And how? Where should he even start? With a heavy sigh, Byakuya gave in to the rushing tides of change and allowed himself to be swept away by whatever thoughts and actions might come. Without really standing and walking, he somehow found himself next to Rukia in the back of the cave. He was only minutely aware of the worried gazes of Renji and Ichigo, and even then they didnt seem to matter right now..... He had to know, from Rukia herself........
"Rukia..... When you look at me..... who do you see?" The world as this group knew it seemed to shatter, like a funhouse mirror that had been distorting the world, but now, as it was broken, revealed pure truth behind it.

[Undying]

O.o I see some emo Byakuya... ZOMG... BBQ... oh, WTF, I think I almost spammed...

Anyway, you gave us another cliffhanger, and good enough to read. I do suggest that you don't drop yer quality, or else and angry mob, er, Mod, will be forced to edit your posts saying that your fiction isn't as good as he wanted. lolers, and good luck. Gambate yo!

[alieraisu]

O.o I see some emo Byakuya... ZOMG... BBQ... oh, WTF, I think I almost spammed...
Anyway, you gave us another cliffhanger, and good enough to read. I do suggest that you don't drop yer quality, or else and angry mob, er, Mod, will be forced to edit your posts saying that your fiction isn't as good as he wanted. lolers, and good luck. Gambate yo!
gasp! my quality is dropping?! cries.... well back to the slump. save me undying-kun! i cant let my only good writing streak die. constructively criticize the hell outta me please

[Undying]

Hokay, I think that some critique will help you....
1. The way you constract you fic. I suggest you follow these lines when it comes to writing conversations: whenever someone starts taking, unless you've added a "xxxx said:" before that, start a new line. For example:
yatta yatta, blah blah blah.
"I think this is getting long," said the ray haired man. "We should shorten it." blah blah blah. This won't only make it easier to read, but will also make it easier to figure out whose talking.

2. Chapter length. Although the length of any chapter isn't of much importance, it is my suggestion that you keep a certain lenth for every chapter, and don't write shorter. Fro example, if you decided that the minimum length in 200 words, never write less than 200 words. That makes it easier, because sometimes adding short chapters makes it hard to write, especially if you want to keep a continuation between chapters.

3. Ideas. Whenever writing a chater, make sure that whenever you end an idea (e.g. "Byakuya decides to stay for a while..." and then "Byakuya changes his mind") add the beginning of the next one in the same chapter. This is to keep the chapters linked.

4. Background description. This is a very ignred part of writing, as I've noticed, yet I consider it to be of utter importance. Whenever writing, be sure to add small comments about the background in your character's action (e.g. instead of "Byakuya leaned back" write "Byakuya leaned back against the hard, grey stone wall of the cavern"). This allows the reader to envision the entire scene down to the color of Rukia's socks, making the story better.

Ok, I think I've covered enough points from the top of my head.

P.S. Grammar errors? I have a severely cut thumb and a scratched finger. Writing is hard like this.

[alieraisu]

Hokay, I think that some critique will help you....
1. The way you constract you fic. I suggest you follow these lines when it comes to writing conversations: whenever someone starts taking, unless you've added a "xxxx said:" before that, start a new line. For example:
yatta yatta, blah blah blah.
"I think this is getting long," said the ray haired man. "We should shorten it." blah blah blah. This won't only make it easier to read, but will also make it easier to figure out whose talking.
2. Chapter length. Although the length of any chapter isn't of much importance, it is my suggestion that you keep a certain lenth for every chapter, and don't write shorter. Fro example, if you decided that the minimum length in 200 words, never write less than 200 words. That makes it easier, because sometimes adding short chapters makes it hard to write, especially if you want to keep a continuation between chapters.
3. Ideas. Whenever writing a chater, make sure that whenever you end an idea (e.g. "Byakuya decides to stay for a while..." and then "Byakuya changes his mind") add the beginning of the next one in the same chapter. This is to keep the chapters linked.
4. Background description. This is a very ignred part of writing, as I've noticed, yet I consider it to be of utter importance. Whenever writing, be sure to add small comments about the background in your character's action (e.g. instead of "Byakuya leaned back" write "Byakuya leaned back against the hard, grey stone wall of the cavern"). This allows the reader to envision the entire scene down to the color of Rukia's socks, making the story better.
Ok, I think I've covered enough points from the top of my head.
P.S. Grammar errors? I have a severely cut thumb and a scratched finger. Writing is hard like this.
Thanks. first of all, i know it can be difficult to read my conversation style. its just a style i came up with and since i usually write spur of the moment, it's easier that way. but you're right, I should go over the grammer errors. *chokes grammar* Chapter length: another weak point for me, i'm more of a short story person and a poet than a novel writer. I noticed my chapters were getting short as of late, and i apologize. I'm fighting writer's block, but i'll make every effort to put more quality into my next chapter. i go through spurts of extreme literacy, like my first chapter, and i can be even better than that. But such bursts come about sparingly and without warning, and last for an unknown amount of time. Sometimes I think that my creativity is molding me, instead of the other way around. Thanks for the input, and i may be a while before my next chapter, as I will try to get back into the swing of writing to give you a real quality chapter. But please keep in mind I'm also being run in circles by life... its all busy-like, so even if i do get a chance to write, it may be rushed. Therefore my next chapter might even be in 2 short parts.

ok i worked hard on this, so i hope you like it!
AND TITE KUBO SAID, “LET THERE BE BLEACH” AND THERE WAS. AND IT WAS OOOH SO GOOD.
That said, bleach isn’t mine!
Living with our choices
With a heavy sigh, Byakuya gave in to the rushing tides of change and allowed himself to be swept away by whatever thoughts and actions might come. Without really standing and walking, he somehow found himself next to Rukia in the back of the cave. He was only minutely aware of the worried gazes of Renji and Ichigo, and even then they didn’t seem to matter right now... He had to know, from Rukia herself...
"Rukia... When you look at me... who do you see?" The world as this group knew it seemed to shatter, like a funhouse mirror that had been distorting the world, but now, as it was broken, pure truth was revealed behind it.
Silence came again, an ever-present entity for this group. “I… I see…. A strong taichou, silence, confidence. Someone who is confident of all his choices and never wavers or is unsure of the right thing to do.”
Byakuya sighed. He wasn’t getting the response he was searching for. “Are you angry at me for how I have composed myself since your return?”
“No, of course not. I broke the law, and I was aware of that when I did it. You have no reason to treat me different simply because I am family. I shamed the Kuchiki name. I wouldn’t have been surprised if you had killed me yourself for such a crime. Plus, I’ve meddled in Ichigo’s life…. Quite possibly I have doomed him.” Rukia could no longer hold her head up. Now that she had started in on her pity party, she felt herself begin to tumble downward into despair itself.
“Oi! Would you stop saying that?!” Ichigo cried out, placing himself in front of Rukia and sitting back on his haunches. “I told you already, it was my choice! I WANTED it! I’m glad you did what you did. Rukia…. You gave me the best gift ever: The ability to protect those I care about. That’s all I ever really wanted in life. You have not; HAVE NOT ruined my life, ok? So stop with the self pity over me!”
Rukia jumped to her feet. “You baka! I HAVE TOO messed up your life! You’re merely too thick headed to realize it just yet! You were never meant to have this power, bonehead! In giving it to you I have altered fate!” Rukia’s face was taking on a color similar to cooked lobster, and it almost looked as if a vein would pop any minute in her upper right forehead.
Ichigo answered the unspoken challenge by popping up from his crouching position to loom nearly a foot above his female counterpart. “Stop frigging callin’ me a baka! YOU’RE the frigging BAKA! Wallowing in your own damn self-pity like this, it’s pitiful. Half an hour ago you were saying how you’d do the same thing over again, and now here you are whining about how you’ve messed up the very fabric of time and life, and how you’ve ruined my life and all that junk. You haven’t, ok?! So stop hating yourself for actions that aren’t really mistakes!” By now Ichigo was fairly blue in the face from the sheer volume he was using in yelling at Rukia. In reality his forceful screams were merely a way for him to bury the sadness he felt at seeing Rukia so unhappy. He wanted so deeply to take her into his arms and make the world dissolve into peace for Rukia. What was it about this stubborn shinigami that captured him so? He truly thought it odd, his feelings towards her. Ichigo had always thought of love as a strong desire to be with someone, to be next to them, to hold their hand and kiss them and…. Well he didn’t know… all that other commercialized love stuff. If this was so, then he figured that maybe he didn’t LOVE Rukia. With Rukia… yes he argued a lot with the woman… but somehow there was always an unspoken understanding between the two that their words weren’t meant to hurt, they were just for play. He didn’t have an overwhelming desire for Rukia. Instead he just wanted her to be happy and safe and…. Well yes, he DID want her to stay with him, this was true. But it was also true that if she ever wished to leave, Ichigo would let her go and be happy for her, if leaving was what made her happy.
“WOULD THE TWO OF YOU QUIT BICKERING FOR KAMI’S SAKE*?!” Kenai cried shrilly. “First of all, it’s past the middle of the night. And second of all, do you think the two of you could be civil for the short time we have left with Rukia? Stop yelling at her, Ichigo. It isn’t helping anyone at all, ok?!” Tears were beginning to mark their journey down the girl’s sandy tan cheeks, leaving in their wake skin that was just slightly less browned. “What’s done is done. So please just stop yelling about it, ok? Rukia didn’t do anything wrong!”
“The young Kamikiri is right.” Kuchiki Byakuya spoke with a certain wise gentleness, a voice that no one had known he possessed. No one, that is, but Hisana.
********************************************************
*Note: Kami is a made up goddess from a series I read. For the sake of this story, Kami is the goddess of orphans and daughter of the trickster god, which Kenai sometimes swears by
*Kamikiri: praying mantis

[Undying]

Hey, not bad! I liked Byakuay's behavior! Ichigo and Rukia were sooo... themsleves?

I want to see how this resolves.

P.S. I merged your posts, so that you won't be accused of Double Posting.

[alieraisu]

Hey, not bad! I liked Byakuay's behavior! Ichigo and Rukia were sooo... themsleves?
I want to see how this resolves.
P.S. I merged your posts, so that you won't be accused of Double Posting.
thanks so much undying-kun! It's odd, i had meant to close it with this chapter, but the arguments just... sorta... came. maybe taking a break from writing did me good. i've never actually gotten a story so close to the end and strangely im a little unsure of how to end it. it may even drag on for another 2 chapters, depending on my mood and inspiration. but im glad you like it, that means a lot to me. see, i really CAN write, its just... for me writing is a fickle thing. it comes and goes as it pleases. i'll get a burst of literacy, then nothing for like, a year. i have gotten into the habit of letting my writing control me, instead of me controlling it. hahaha. oh well, thanks again.

[Undying]

Take you time, take your time. Writing is a fickle mistress to me as well (to you... I'd say it's something else, right? Because you aren't a male), and it comes and goes as it pleases. So long as it will end in a good way, it won't matter how long. Ah, btw, there's no need to actually know how will this end. When it ends, it ends. You'll know how to end it when the time comes.