The Black Flame Cronicles

[Dark Fire]

(I am going to post this story here as I go along. I have alot more of the story done on my DINOSAUR Mac really old and I can't put the internet on that
computer so I've been write it down so that I can type it up on the house computer blah blah and so forth, but I'm done with about 16% of the story in total. Go ahead and read it make, spelling correction, give comments, and suggested. I'm open to all constructivecriticism)

Prolouge

That night I was returning home from some business in Babaylon. Riding
along the same familliar road that had led me home so many time befor, I anxciously

awaited to see my family.

Approaching the city I felt a strange sense of terror. The city I
came to live in was a happy and vibrant place where at any time you could

hear the sound of a frestavile rageing through the night. Yes we were a

people who required little sleep. But tonight there was no music no sound of

danceing. Only dreadful silence filled my ears as approached the city. My

pace quickened as my concern grew.


Upon entering the city a horrible stench filled the air. The smell

of decaying flesh and death over powered my senses choaking


the life strait from my soul. Dead bodies linedthe streets as I franticly

shearched for any suvivors. Horror filled my mind as I continued my way

through the ruins of the masacred city.

[Byakuya7]

I like the concept of the story, its well done. However, what I really would suggest is that you work some more on your grammar and spelling because constant mistakes, can really detract from the story. I would also suggest slowing down the pace and providing sensory details and explanations. Explain the atmosphere, use metaphors or similes, and create tension so that the reader is anticipating what is to come.

[Dark Fire]

I like the concept of the story, its well done. However, what I really would suggest is that you work some more on your grammar and spelling because constant mistakes, can really detract from the story. I would also suggest slowing down the pace and providing sensory details and explanations. Explain the atmosphere, use metaphors or similes, and create tension so that the reader is anticipating what is to come.

ok Thanx I haven't ran it through word yet so there is alot I still I have to do

[Gozeta0075]

Nice! I like the whole dark theme scene here! I'm curious where all this would lead to?

[Dark Fire]

well soo far it's led me strait to a case of writers block

[Dark Fire]

Update I haven't moved much in the story (been really busy)

Rez standing there among the pile of wreckage that was once the town that he lived in, a surging hatred fill him. The hatred flooded his veins as it boiled to poison and turn to a bitter loathing. He was going to find the one who did this, who slaughtered all these people, and he was going to punish them, make them pay, but first he needed to check if Adrial was alright. He and Adrial lived together just outside the village wall and had been very close to those who lived in the town Adrial had been the only woman he had ever love the only woman he told him self he ever would love, and he feared that he could not go on if anything had happened to her. As he walk he told himself that she was ok, she was ok, the bastards might have destroyed the town but he and Adrial lived in the forest and she would be perfectly ok, the murders were probably just some thieves and got a little blood thirsty and… but thieves couldn't have done this, there wasn't a man, woman, or child left among the burning remains. Suddenly he began to worry frantically; every fiber in his body told him that what he would find when he arrived home would fill his soul with dread. He quickened his pace and soon began to run, run as fast as his trembling legs would take him. He ran past the willow tree where he and Adrial carved there names, past the clearing in the forest where he and Adrial would lay for hours silently gazing up at the stars, through the forest where they shared their lives. This forest, only place he had known, the only place he belonged, except this time he felt that for some reason that it no longer held the warmth that he had always felt there, every branch seem to feel withered, every tree decayed, it didn't feel right at all, as if the forest had died and turn to rancor to his very presence there. Finally the dense tree line broke and he saw the lake next to his house. A bundle of laundry seem to have been stretched out next to the lake, for a brief moment he was relieved was ok, she must have done the washing and forgot to bring it in doors before it got dark, he felt like a fool, a fool for ever thinking anything could ever happen to Adrial, no outsider could ever find this place, and the villagers would never tell anyone where they lived. There was a beautiful full moon out tonight and its light seemed to make the lake glow. He walked forward home relieved and hating him self for being such a fool. As reached ever closer to the lake a cold wind stuck up and a chill had stretched down his spine, he noticed a bird had flown down from one of the trees that surrounded the lake and began to peck at the pile of laundry, then with a sickening lurch in his stomach he notice that it wasn't a pile of laundry, it was... "Oh god NO!!!" Adrial was on the grown covered in blood, "NO, NO, NO, Oh God Please No, Please don't let her be…" but he couldn't say it. He moved forward but his legs felt like there were turning to stone, slowly he pulled him self forward, he heard a wet wheezing which sounded like the noise that you'd hear coming from a reed someone stuck in the water and began to blow through. He reached her frail and damaged body, and heard a low and rasping voice it was coming from Adrial,
"Rez, Rez is that you…" the voice sounded like a scratching rasp of what was once a beautiful song, the voice of an angel that was passing on through the veil that connects this life to the next.
"It's ok, Adrial, everything is going to be ok" but everything was not ok she was dying, and he hated himself for lying to her, to letting this happen to he, for it being her and not him, his insides were dying, dying with the woman he loved he could not bear it but suddenly. He pulled her into his arms and began stroking her dark hair. "shh everything's fine" his voice cracked as tears began falling from his clenched shut eyes.
"Res, I-I… want… to… let… know… I… l-o-v…." and she drew her last breath.